An Unstill Life (13 page)

For a moment I thought about telling him what I’d imagined, but I didn’t know the guy. He probably wouldn’t think it funny. He’d probably just think I was weird. “Nothing.”

We walked past the art room, and I glanced through the open door, catching a glimpse of black clothes and hair. Bianca. My feet stuttered. I wanted to see her. My tongue burned with the need to talk to someone about what Jules had asked. And Bianca was so easy to talk to. I remembered how my words had poured from me in the bathroom, how she’d listened in silence, not giving any sign she was judging me for what I’d done. If there was anyone I could talk to about Jules, it was Bianca.

“Don’t you have lunch now?” Jesse slowed with me.

My head raced. Did I want to eat lunch with Jesse Marsden? Not really, but I couldn’t talk about what Jules wanted. That was our secret and I couldn’t—wouldn’t—betray her.

“Yeah…” I regretted it as soon as I said it.

“Oh.” Jesse stopped, jamming his fists into the pockets of his board shorts. “So, there’s this party on Friday night. You want to go with me?”

I’d already promised Mel I’d go. I’d told Hannah I would be there. “Sure,” I said.

His face relaxed into a smile. “Cool.”

Chapter Fourteen

T
he car smelled of leather, aftershave, pot, and boys. I squeezed into the front seat, between Jesse and a guy I didn’t know. I was very aware of them, of the hard muscles in their thighs pressed against mine, of the breadth of their shoulders hemming me in, and the heavy scent of man that couldn’t be masked by the cheap cologne they’d doused themselves with. It was musky, dark, and earthy and reminded me of my father in a way few things ever did.

“Isn’t this an awesome car?” Mel leaned over from the backseat to speak to me.

“I guess so.” I shrugged. Cars, parties, boys, they all seemed so trivial. How could I be sitting here, boys crushing me on either side, while Jules planned her way to die? I almost jumped out of the car. Going to a party now was blasphemy. An abomination. I couldn’t go.

Jesse pulled away from the house with a shrieking of tires. The floor rumbled with the engine’s bass growl. Despite my reservations, a thrill of excitement rocketed through me, pushing away my tortured thoughts for a while.

The lake was a mob scene. Kids swarmed the shore and the picnic area on the rise near the end of the small beach. Smoke curled into the twilight sky from a bonfire built near the water’s edge. The lake cast back a watery reflection of the waltzing flames and the blazing sunset that almost matched their fiery color.

“Want a beer?” Jesse slid out of the car, reaching to help me through the open door. I ignored his hand and scrambled to the ground. I breathed in the scent of wood smoke, laced with other smoky aromas from cigarettes and joints.

“Is the whole school here?” I stared around at the people, seeing faces I recognized and others I didn’t.

Mel shrugged. “Most of them. The cool ones, anyway.”

I raised my eyebrows at her. “Derek Jones is cool?” I gestured to my left where Derek sat on a bench, the flickering firelight reflecting off his inch-thick glasses. A bored-looking girl sat next to him, eyes searching the crowd while he explained something to her, hands moving in pedantic gestures before him.

“Okay, so mostly cool.” Mel grinned at me. In the waning light, I saw her eyes move across the crowd, softening when she saw the boys walking back toward us, plastic cups balanced in their hands. She drifted away from me, joining Eddie. I watched as they turned toward the lake, their backs toward me.

Jesse handed me two cups. “Keg’s running low already. Better stock up.”

“Thanks.” I didn’t drink from either but watched Jesse down one of his in a single massive swallow.

We wandered toward the water, watching the bonfire grow as kids piled on more wood, more pinecones. The hungry flames made an awesome snapping, popping, creaking sound that exploded through me like surreal fireworks. My fingers itched for a paintbrush so I could capture the magnificence of it, the irregular bursts of colors I didn’t even have names for.

“It’s beautiful,” I murmured.

Jesse slung an arm across my shoulders. “Sure is.” His words blurred into one another, giving them a slight mushiness. I glanced over and saw he’d already finished both his beers.

I caught sight of Eddie and Mel, sitting hunkered in the sand, heads together, hands entwined. Firelight cast uneven shadows over their features, making them almost unrecognizable. I turned away.

“You gonna drink that?” Jesse gestured to the beer in my left hand.

“You have it.” I handed it over, keeping the other one and taking a sip. Warm, bitter liquid flooded my tongue. I shouldn’t be drinking. The doctor had mentioned that when telling me the risks of Hepatitis C, should I actually have it. But a sip or two couldn’t hurt much, could it?

“Should we mingle?” I tried to shake Jesse’s arm off my shoulders, but it was too heavy. I wondered if Hannah was here. The light was almost gone, reduced to a thin fiery line on the horizon. I searched the crowds on the beach. Someone turned music on, and a techno beat joined the sizzling of the fire. A few people began dancing, sand and small rocks from the beach flying up from beneath their feet.

“Sure, why not?” Jesse tightened his arm around me and drew me away from the shore, up toward the grassy area where more people clustered. I tilted the plastic cup in my hand, letting the beer spill over the rim and drip away.

Jesse stopped by the keg, filling another two cups. He tried to hand me one, but I shook my head.

“Livvie!” Hannah broke through the line snaking away from the keg and darted across the grass. “There you are! Isn’t this awesome?” She danced on the spot. “I’m having so much fun.” Sam heard her squeal and smiled. He joined us, a tanned arm curling around her waist.

“We should go down to the beach,” Hannah said, giving Sam an affectionate squeeze. “We can dance.”

“Sure.” Sam offered her a sip from his cup. She giggled and took it, drinking a little before passing it back. I stared at her. Surely she knew how many calories there were in beer. Hannah had been watching her weight since she was ten. She was so wrapped up in watching Sam she didn’t notice my stare. They walked toward the water, and I studied their silhouetted figures against the almost-night sky. Her head reached only to his shoulder, her body a straight line next to his triangular one.

I moved to follow them, but Jesse held me back. My shoulders ached from the weight of his arm. I wished he’d let me go. I tried to shrug him off.

“Are you cold, Livvie?” He wrapped his other arm around me too, hugging me against him so tightly I could barely breathe. Beer and sweat overpowered the musky scent of his deodorant.

“I’m fine.” I ducked out of his embrace and searched the crowd for my friends. Either of them. Shrieks and laughter rose from the beach where a bunch of older kids had shucked their clothes to splash into the lake.

“Let’s go down,” I suggested. The party seemed to be moving in that direction, people drifting away from the now-drained keg and heading for the sand. I couldn’t see Hannah and Sam among the dancers, but I was certain they’d be there.

“In a minute.” Jesse drained his beer and tossed the cup away. Stretching, he managed to get his arm across me once more and drew me closer. He sat down on the grass, pulling me with him. His eyes glittered in the far-away firelight. The grass beneath me was soft and slippery, with a sharp, clean scent that cut through the bitter beer smell coming from Jesse.

He ran his hand down the side of my face, his thumb rubbing at my cheekbone. His hand was rough, callused, as if he did a lot of manual labor. “You’re really pretty, you know that?”

I gave him a look. Pretty? Jules was pretty. No. I wouldn’t think about Jules.

“No, really. You are.” His eyes locked onto mine, growing closer as his head lowered toward me. He’s going to kiss me, I thought, just as his mouth met mine.

His lips were cool and rough, a little chapped maybe. A great gush of alcoholic breath forced its way up my nose and down my throat. His mouth pressed hard enough to mash my lips into my teeth. I squirmed, trying to come up for air. His arms came around me, pulling me against him. I could feel his heart beating through his T-shirt, a wild, erratic thudding that pulsed through my ribs.

His tongue probed my lips. Without me wanting them to, they parted, and his tongue was in my mouth. It was thick and slimy, coated with the sharp flavor of the beer. I didn’t feel tingles running up my spine. I didn’t feel giggly like Hannah. My heart didn’t soar or even flutter. I didn’t want to be close to this boy. His tongue rifled through my mouth like a lump of raw meat. I couldn’t breathe. The taste of him made me want to throw up.

He thrust his tongue deeper, and I gagged. His fingers crawled across my shirt, nails gouging my spine. He found the hem and pushed his palms against my bare flesh. They were warm and damp and sent a shiver of revulsion rippling through me.

I found my own hands and pressed them to his chest, heavy heartbeats vibrating through my palms. I pushed as hard as I could but couldn’t free myself. His hands crept around my back, cupping my waist, sliding across my belly, brushing against the bottom of my bra. I tried hard not to think about it, not to notice the clamminess of his fingertips, the clumsy way they fumbled and poked at my ribs. Hair tickled my shoulder, and his breath was hot in my ear, a roar that dropped a violet haze over everything, obscuring my vision.

His mouth smothered me. I struggled to pull away, to breathe, but he clasped the back of my head with a hand and held me there, his tongue pinwheeling toward my throat. My stomach heaved. I was going to throw up. I was sure of it. I choked it back, not wanting to vomit into his mouth. But then, maybe that would stop him.

I struggled, fighting to get to my knees, to get his hand away from my tiny breasts. Poached eggs, Jules called them, teasing me for wearing a bra with nothing in it. But I wasn’t thinking about Jules…

“Hey!” The voice was a sharp white light, cutting through the purple mist engulfing me. “Hey! What do you think you’re doing?”

Jesse’s mouth dropped from mine. His arms fell from around me. I scrambled to my feet, backing away from the flattened patch of grass we sprawled across. I wiped at my lips. The taste of him clung to my tongue, to my throat. I gagged again.

“Mind your own business, freak.” Jesse ran a hand through his hair and reached for me again. His movements were sloppy and slow, so it was easy for me to step out of reach.

I turned and found Bianca standing beside me, a cigarette dangling from the corner of her mouth. “Thanks,” I managed to choke out.

“Livvie…” Jesse whined.

“Are you okay?” Bianca didn’t even glance in Jesse’s direction.

“I…I think so.” My voice trembled a little, the words blue and wobbly as they passed my throbbing lips. I wanted to dive into the lake, to wash the dirtiness off me, rinse away the taste of him.

“Come on.” Bianca threw her cigarette down and ground it out with the heel of her boot. Sparks flickered and died as she strode off toward the beach and the noise of people having fun. I followed, although I wasn’t sure why.

Just before we reached the sand, she veered left, heading beyond the bonfire and the music. We walked in silence until we reached the rocky outcrop that marked the end of the beach. She didn’t stop, but climbed up, feeling her way in the darkness. A thin fingernail moon hung low in the sky, but it gave little light. I stumbled after her, fingers fumbling for purchase on the rocks.

I almost fell into her lap. Her face was the only part of her I could see, her black clothes melting into the darkness. She sat on a large, flat rock, staring out over the water. The shouts and chatter of our classmates drifted across the lake in disconnected bursts of noise. I could ignore them, shove the bright yellow cloudbursts to the back of my mind.

“You like that clown?” Bianca didn’t look at me. She dug through her purse and brought out another cigarette. Sticking it into her mouth, she held up a lighter, its snick an orange flash that matched the flame she touched to the end of the smoke.

I shook my head. “No. No, I don’t.” I realized as I said the words they were true. I didn’t like Jesse. I didn’t know him. But now, I didn’t want to know him. My ribs felt bruised from his manhandling. “He was drunk, I think. He probably didn’t know what he was doing…”

“That’s no excuse.” Bianca puffed hard on her cigarette, breathing out a halo of smoke that hung in place for a second before disappearing into the night. “He has no right to paw you like that if you don’t want to be pawed.”

“No, you’re right.” I sighed. “I shouldn’t have come. I only did because my friend Mel asked me to. She’s dating one of his friends.”

“Eddie Fletcher, right?” Bianca held the cigarette out to me.

“Yeah.” I shook my head and waved the smoke away. My sister had cancer. I wasn’t touching those things.

She drew it back. “Sorry. I forgot. Your sister, right?”

I ducked my head, nodding as I did. “S’okay.”

We sat in silence for a long time, listening to the slapping of the water against rocks, and the eerie cries of owls from the woods on the other side. It wasn’t uncomfortable, and I felt safe sitting there, watching the party from a distance. I recognized Hannah and Sam, hand in hand, wandering away from the bonfire in our direction. It occurred to me that I didn’t have a ride home. Unless I wanted to ride with Jesse, which I didn’t.

“Hey.” I broke the silence between us. “I should go find my friends. I need to bum a ride home.”

“You can ride with me, if you like.” She threw it out casually, the words sailing across the water in a froth of cream.

A shiver that felt like excitement quivered its way up my spine. “Okay. That would be cool.”

She stood up and leaped onto the sand, barely missing the small jagged rocks that nestled at the bottom like broken teeth. I picked my way down more carefully, skidding on my butt most of the way.

Bianca walked up the beach, her layers of skirts flapping around her legs in the breeze. She didn’t look back to see if I was following. I trudged in her wake, feet sinking into the soft sand. We passed Hannah and Sam who stood by the water’s edge, limbs entwined. Neither appeared to notice us tramping by.

Shouts drowned out the crackling of the bonfire when we drew near. A girl’s shrill scream sent a sickening wave of silver streaking through my skull. I winced and moved away.

“C’mon. This way.” Bianca took my arm and helped me up the low embankment. I stumbled after her, eager to leave this place. Away from the firelight, the night swallowed Bianca and she seemed glad to be devoured. The gentle pressure of her hand on my wrist was enough to guide me though, and I let her, even as I wondered about the wisdom of it. I didn’t know this girl, not really. Where was she taking me? Flashes of conversations I’d overheard replayed themselves in my head. Bianca the witch. Bianca the spooky voodoo queen. How did I know she wasn’t going to take me into the woods and sacrifice me to some obscure god I didn’t have a name for?

I shivered.

“Here.” Bianca stopped at the edge of the dirt track that led to the lake. “This is me.”

I recognized the silver station wagon and climbed in, my feet sinking into the take-out cups again.