Anastasia's Secret (26 page)

Although I had wished for it, I was terribly unnerved the first time I saw Sasha inside the Governor’s House in the middle of the day. He tried very hard not to look at any of us, and had to join in the occasional snide comments the guards usually made, just so he didn’t seem to be showing us any favor. I caught his eye every so often, and I could tell that he was trying to convey a mute apology.

C
HAPTER
32

It was Alexei, in the end, who determined what was to happen to us next.

“Alyosha wants to sit up for a while. His fever is down. Do you think it wise if I let him?”

Tatiana rarely consulted Olga or me about Alexei’s care, but we were all so unsettled by the way things had changed since the others had left, that I could understand her doubt.

“What does Dr. Derevenko say?” I asked.

“He says it would not hurt for him to sit up for a little while, but that he is still very weak. The commissar said that as soon as he could sit up, he would be moved, and the doctor does not think he should be.”

I looked around and through the doors. Sasha was the sentry that day, and he was by the front door. It seemed safe enough. “Perhaps for just a little while, if it would cheer him and make him feel better.”

We quickly went to Alexei’s room and prepared a chair for him to sit in. Then Dr. Derevenko lifted him gently out of his bed and placed him in the chair. He smiled. I hadn’t seen him smile for such a long time. But he was so thin! And pale. Always, after a bleeding episode, he was extremely pale from loss of blood. “I feel so much better,” he said. “Soon we will be playing our balalaikas together again, Nastya!” he said.

“You’ll have to practice hard to catch up with how good I am now,” I said, ready to resume teasing him. We were all so thrilled with his improvement that none of us heard the footsteps behind us. Even Joy, who was usually so watchful over her master, calmly wagged her tail and licked the hand he let hang down just for that purpose.

“So! Alexei Nicholaevich is well now. Good! The ice is gone from the river, and the
Rus
has arrived. You leave tomorrow.”

It was Rodionov. What had made him come just then? For an instant, I had a horrible notion that Sasha had gone to get him. Why would he do such a thing?

“I cannot allow my patient to travel! You see how weak he is?” The good doctor risked much to stand up to Rodionov.

“Hah! He is sitting! I see him. Tomorrow it is.”

“Please—a word with you in private, Comrade Commissar,” Dr. Derevenko said. Rodionov nodded and the two of them went into the next room.

After that scene, Alexei was so pallid that, rather than wait for the doctor’s return, Tatiana and I lifted him ourselves and put him back in bed. He felt as light as a snowflake, lighter than the hunting dogs Papa used to have. I felt as if he could melt away, as if there was nothing I could do to keep him with us.

The doctor came back after a few moments. “He will give us one more day, that is all.”

“One more day, and we will be on our way to join Mama and Papa and Mashka!” Olga said, stroking Alexei’s hair away from his forehead. “Don’t worry, Alyosha. We’ll all take care of you. Won’t we?”

“Of course,” said Tatiana and the doctor. I don’t know why, but I couldn’t add my voice to theirs. I didn’t know how to take care of such a fragile creature as my brother.

“It’s all because of the guard with the patch, isn’t it!” Alexei turned his accusing eyes on me.

“Don’t be silly!” I answered. “It was Yakovlev who came from Moscow who made all this happen, and instructed them about you and us.” I couldn’t think of anything else to say to take the attention away from Sasha.

“He’s evil! I hate that man! He’s bewitched you!” Alexei started to cough, and then the tears came. The doctor rushed to his side and took his pulse.

“You’d better go,” Dr. Derevenko said to me. I looked to Olga and Tatiana for help, but they stood in shocked immobility, staring at me as if I were a stranger who had just been dropped in their midst.

I left slowly and quietly. Olga and Tatiana remained behind to comfort Alexei. I wondered what else he might tell them. He had seen so much, and I never realized it. Or at least, what little he’d seen was enough for him to draw conclusions that were all too close to the truth.

Because of the constant presence of the guards we couldn’t talk to each other about the scene in Alyosha’s room for the rest of the day, but I felt my sisters’ eyes on me wherever I went. We would have to talk later, somehow.

I went into my room in the afternoon to fetch the book I was reading, and I wasn’t completely surprised to find a message from Sasha waiting for me tucked beneath my pillow. I didn’t know how he got it there, but he must have written it as soon as he found out what was to happen.

Be ready tomorrow night before you are to sail. Bring only the barest necessities. A boat will take you up the river to a small town, where a band of loyal Whites can ensure that you get across the border safely
.

What did he mean? Just me or all of us? And how could we go without our parents and Mashka?

And what would happen to the others in the suite if the four of us managed to escape the night before we were going away? Would they still travel to Yekaterinburg, or would they be punished? Perhaps shot? And was the danger for us in escaping really any less than the danger of going to Yekaterinburg?

The four of us. How could we care for Alexei and flee in secret? He could barely sit up, let alone walk.

The time had come, I realized, to be honest with my sisters. Our only time to talk without guards listening in would be after we had gone to bed. Tatiana still slept in our room, even though she spent most of her time with Alexei. During the night, the doctor kept watch over Alexei in case he became ill again.

The hours crept by more slowly than any day I had ever known. We had to sit through supper, and then the countess read aloud, until finally Olga yawned—the signal that we should all go to bed. Dr. Derevenko, who had spent the evening in our company, went to Alexei’s room to relieve Tatiana.

When at last Tatiana came into our bedroom, I crossed to Olga’s bed on the pretext of kissing her goodnight, and whispered, “We need to talk. Come over to my bed when the lights are out.”

They did as I asked, probably knowing that I would not suggest such a thing if it wasn’t important. Once we were all within whispering distance, I spoke quickly.

“We have a chance to escape. But we must be ready to go tomorrow night.”

“How?” Tatiana asked. “How can you know this? Alexei too?”

“I cannot say, but there is one guard here who is friendly toward us, and he has planned this. It is very dangerous for him.”

“Sasha,” said Olga.

I stopped and stared at her in the darkness. “How did you know?”

“You murmur his name sometimes in your sleep. Mashka tried to convince us it was nothing, but it happened often enough that I never believed her.”

“He’s the one with the patch over his eye. That Alyosha was talking about. The one who was in Tsarskoe, isn’t he?” Tatiana said.

I was glad it was dark so that they could not see me blush. “Yes, I know him. But he is just a guard who is loyal to us and will help us escape.” I hoped they would simply figure that Alexei knew this and was upset only because he was afraid.

“What have you been doing, Nastya?” Olga asked the question I most dreaded. I would have to lie, for their sakes as much as mine.

“I have only been doing what I can to save us, ever since I realized that things were not getting better here.”

“But you knew this guard before. When did you meet him?” Tatiana sounded a little piqued. After all, she was the beautiful one.

I paused before I answered. “We met when I was just a little girl. He has been my secret friend all these years. He has looked out for all of us. He wants to help us.” I was determined to steer the conversation to the urgent matter at hand. Talking about Sasha made me ache with sadness and tempted me to tell them everything about our love, our magical times together. But there would be no point.

“What about Mama and Papa and Mashka? How can you even think I would leave them?” Tatiana again asked a question I did not want to answer. Nothing had changed since that time we had first mentioned the idea of escape. It was, truly, unthinkable to go away without them, not knowing if they would be safe or if they would eventually be able to join us, or if our last farewells had been just that, and we would never see them again.

“And you heard what Dr. Derevenko said about Alyosha. He is barely able to travel with a little bit of comfort, let alone rushed and secretly. How could we manage it?”

“Perhaps that was why he was so angry about Sasha, even if he didn’t know who he was,” Olga said. “I sometimes think he senses things none of the rest of us can, because he has come so close to death so often. He knows that if an escape is planned, he will either slow everyone down or be left behind.”

She was right. Alyosha’s sad, wide eyes swam before me. I had to shake my head to dispel the vision. “Well,” I said, not certain what to say that would not send us around in a circle again, “I want to live. I want to be free again. Don’t you think the others would want it for us, if we had that chance? Even Alexei? I intend to be ready with my stoutest shoes and layers of clothing at eleven tomorrow night. If you choose, you may all come with me. Alexei too, if he wants. I’ll carry him myself.”

I felt the severity of my words and wished them immediately unsaid. Perhaps Olga might take a chance with me, but Tatiana wouldn’t. She had been entrusted with Alexei’s health and safety, and she would do nothing to break that trust.

Before I knew it, my sisters and I embraced one another in a huddle of silent tears. I wished we had one bed large enough so that we could all sleep close to each other, drawing comfort from our familiar warmth. But we gradually untwined ourselves and each went back to our narrow camp beds and tried to sleep.

C
HAPTER
33

The next day, the commissar and a few guards came to tell us what we could bring with us and what we couldn’t.

“The house you will stay in is smaller than this. You may bring camp beds and linens, blankets, some of the household items you brought, and one bag of personal possessions. These must be inspected before you leave, to ensure that you are not stealing any of the items that belong to the Governor’s House.”

Our mouths dropped open at this suggestion. It was Nastinka who first managed to speak. “The grand duchesses and the tsarevich were not brought up to steal!”

“To whom do you refer, Comrade Hendrikova?” Rodionov said, his face reddening to an even deeper hue. “There are no such things as grand duchesses. I see before me only individuals with an unfortunate alliance to the monarchist counterrevolutionaries.”

The countess was about to speak again, but Olga went over and took hold of her arm. “Comrade Commissar is right, Madame. We are all the same.”

“Might I bring my balalaika?” Alexei asked. He was again sitting up, since the journey was settled on, and the doctor thought he had better try to get a small amount of exercise. There had been no more outbursts. He didn’t mention Sasha. But he also would not meet my eyes when we spoke.

He alone of all of us saw the coming change not as laden with fateful significance, but as a reunion with Mama, Papa, and Mashka. It was his joy at looking forward to that which made my own decision stick in my heart. Olga and Tatiana kept looking at me with beseeching eyes. I could hardly bear the thought of leaving, going off to the unknown without my family, the dearest friends I had known for all my life.

Sasha had managed to get another brief message to me, telling me to meet him in the alley where we used to meet, what seemed like years ago but was only a few months. In those days, I had the thrill of love to give me wings. Now my feet were like leaden weights, and my heart like a lump of dry bread. My only remaining hope was that Sasha would come with me. Surely he would not send me off by myself, to face uncertain dangers? Yet what if he did? Could I go alone?

I kept my clothes on underneath my nightdress and waited until the house was asleep. I knew that Olga and Tatiana would not be, that they were waiting for me to go because they would want to give me their blessings, but I couldn’t bear to take leave of them. I was afraid it would break my resolve. I slipped out of bed quickly, trying to get out of our room before they realized I was gone, but Olga was just as fast. She caught me and gave me a fierce kiss and embrace. “I love you, darling Nastya!” she whispered. A moment later Tatiana was there.

“Forgive me!” I felt a sob force its way into my throat. “I have to go!”

They released me, and I left the room, slipping silently with my small bag through the house, letting myself out the door and around the side to the alleyway, feeling as if my life drained away as I went. I could hardly see for tears.

As I turned into the alley, I nearly collided with Sasha.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, wiping my face with his handkerchief.

“How can you ask? I am about to leave my family, everything I have ever known, for a long, long time!”

“You are about to leave so that you can live the rest of your life!” He sounded angry. “Do you know how dangerous it was for me to plan this escape? Do you have any idea what they will do to me if they discover I helped you?”

“Aren’t you coming with me?” I asked, shocked into tearlessness.

He threw his hands up in exasperation. “No! I shall have to lead the hunt to find you. Only then will I be able to take them the wrong way, so you have a chance to reach your destination.”

So, I was to be alone. I had never done anything, traveled anywhere, alone. Going away always meant an army of people: sisters, brother, parents, servants, maids of honor. Even coming from Tsarskoe Selo had been the same in its way. All at once I felt much younger than my almost seventeen years.

“How can you hesitate? Do you have any idea what you may well face in Yekaterinburg? The reds will take no pity on you because you are young. You and your family represent everything they hate with an irrational hatred that lusts for blood.”

“You frighten me,” I said. Sasha had never spoken to me like this.

“I mean to frighten you!” he said, then held me to him in a crushing embrace. I felt his tears on my head.

“Will I never see you again either?” I asked, feeling as though I was about to jump off a high mountain peak and hoping to land without hurting myself. That’s how impossible everything seemed at that moment, no matter what I did.

“Perhaps we will meet again,” he said, softening his voice. “But you must see that it does not matter. You have so much ahead of you. It’s your choice now. Choose the future! Choose life!”

He pushed me toward a gate that led out of the alleyway. I could see someone standing beyond it, clearly waiting to conduct me on the first stage of my journey. I took two steps toward it, then turned.

“No.”

The word felt solid. Secure. This—this furtive flight in the dead of night—was not what I wanted. I wanted to stay, I wanted to see my mama and papa again, to go through whatever my sisters and brother would go through. I had no choice. I could not choose nothing, which is what leaving would be. “No,” I repeated.

Sasha let his arms fall to his side. He shook his head. “I don’t know if I can ever do anything again to help you. You’re not thinking clearly. Just go, Nastya! Go!”

Even as he said it, he walked toward me, and before I knew it, we were in each other’s arms, and he was kissing me as he used to. I closed my eyes and imagined for a moment that we were back in Tsarskoe, before the killing, only we were in the garden, in the open air, not underground at night, hidden away from everyone.

When we stopped kissing we continued to hold each other. I couldn’t bear the thought of letting go of him. I looked up into his face, seeing there an expression that meant love. He loved me, in all my awkward imperfection. As I loved him. “I want to see your scar,” I said, realizing that I must look at it if I were to know him as he was then.

Sasha slowly let go of me, felt for the edges of his eye patch with his left hand, and lifted it to his forehead. It was dark enough that I couldn’t see every detail of the ridges that converged where his eye used to be. For a moment, I imagined the young boy I met when I was just a girl, with mischief dancing in both eyes. I stood on my tiptoes and kissed the hardened spot tenderly, then gently slid the patch back down to cover it again.

“I could never go away without you,” I whispered. Sasha took my face between his hands and kissed me gently on the lips.

“That heart of yours has undone you, sweet Nastya,” he said. He backed away, holding my gaze. After a few steps, he turned away from me and walked in the same, slow pace toward the guardhouse. I watched him go, half expecting him to turn around, grab my hand, and run with me out of the gate.

But he didn’t. He opened the door of the building where his quarters were, and then shut it behind him. For a moment I stood shivering, alone, before I too turned and went back into our prison.

I was still in a daze, not quite certain what I had just done. I passed through the darkened rooms to the bedroom I had shared with my sisters for eight months, and crawled in between the sheets I had left only a few minutes earlier, knowing that something had changed in me forever.

“I knew you wouldn’t do it,” whispered Olga. “I’m glad you’re staying, darling.”