Read And Blue Skies From Pain Online
Authors: Stina Leicht
And Blue Skies From Pain (54 page)
“I miss you too.” He held her in his arms, breathing in the soft scent of her—holding it in his lungs for as long as he could.
“Thank you,” she said.
“For what?”
“For forgiving me. It’s a relief, it is.”
“Forgave you long ago, love. Only you never knew it,” he said and then paused, holding his breath. “Do you forgive me?”
“Whatever did you do?”
“I didn’t tell you what I was. I didn’t know, of course, but I—I knew enough. I didn’t tell you about the monster.”
“You’re not a monster!”
“I lied to you. I let you think I was normal—”
“You are normal,” she said. “You’re normal for one of the Fey. You’re normal for you. That’s all anyone should care about.”
He paused. “What if I’m not?”
“What do you mean?”
“What if I’m mad? Or going mad? What if it’s too late? Da said—”
She laid a finger against his lips for the second time. “Don’t rip and tear at yourself so. Just tell me what happened in Long Kesh. Please.”
“Don’t make me. I can’t.”
“Please, Liam. Do this for me. Please,” she said. “I promise I’ll love you anyway. Whatever was done to you doesn’t change who you are to me. It won’t matter.”
“How do you know it won’t?”
“You know what happened to me, don’t you?” she asked, getting off his chest and laying on her side. He could see the naked length of her now. The scars were the wounds of two years ago, healed. Her broken front teeth had been fixed. A pale line was etched low across her stomach where her insides had been patched up. None of it marred her beauty. It was as if he was seeing her as she’d have been had she survived, and he loved her all the more for it.
“You know what happened before I died?”
You were raped.
He took in a deep breath and then nodded.
He took in a deep breath and then nodded.
“And does it make a difference to you?” she asked. “Does it change how you feel about me?”
“It never will. It wasn’t your fault, what was done.”
“Then why should what was done to you make a difference to me?”
She knows.
The thought hit him like a hard blow to the gut. He felt half-frozen, suddenly, and his breath came in gulps.
It isn’t the same. She’s a woman. I’m—it isn’t natural.
His skin tingled, and he felt the monster stir in the darkness of his brain.
She knows.
He got out of the bed and was at the door when she stopped him with a question.
The thought hit him like a hard blow to the gut. He felt half-frozen, suddenly, and his breath came in gulps.
It isn’t the same. She’s a woman. I’m—it isn’t natural.
His skin tingled, and he felt the monster stir in the darkness of his brain.
She knows.
He got out of the bed and was at the door when she stopped him with a question.
“Where are you going?”
“I have to leave.” The stirring became a rage-filled roar in the back of his mind.
“Why?” She sat up.
“It’s different!” The prickling of his skin intensified. The monster was pushing its way to the surface.
“How is it any different, Liam?”
“It is!” He could hardly hear her above the monster’s raving. “It was—it was—”
“Torture,” she said.
“Not natural!”
“What was done was torture,” she said. “It turned you against yourself. Rape isn’t sex, Liam. It’s about power.”
“You don’t understand!”
“Then make me understand.”
The change would be upon him soon. He had to get away or she’d see. She’d—
“But I want to see,” she said, scooting to the end of the bed. “Show me this monster.”
“Mary Kate, please.” A sharp spasm knifed through him, and he bent double and screamed with the force of it.
Mary Kate stood up at the foot of the bed and wrapped the sheet around herself. “You have to stop running from it.”
Shaking his head, he staggered backward into the sitting room which joined with the kitchen. He knocked over a wobbly kitchen chair in the process. It fell to the floor with a crash.
“What is it that you think I don’t understand?” Mary Kate asked. “That you had no control over your own body? That he took something from you that you didn’t think was possible?”
“I mean it! You have to leave!” Terrified, he struggled against the change with all his might and as he did the pain grew worse.
It’s too late.
Falling, he caught himself before he smashed into the arm of the sofa. He was on his hands and knees. “Please go. Save yourself.”
It’s too late.
Falling, he caught himself before he smashed into the arm of the sofa. He was on his hands and knees. “Please go. Save yourself.”
“I’m staying and so are you,” she said, her voice calm. She went to the front door and locked it. Standing defiant, her head held high with her scarred mouth—a proud warrior queen with her sheet-robe trailing.
“I don’t want to hurt you.”
“You’ll not.”
There wasn’t anything left. The change was upon him. He’d kept himself from it for as long as he could stand but now it swept over him. He understood now why transforming into the Hound had always been agony and the bird form hadn’t been just before all possibility of thought dissolved. He roared out his anger and frustration at the pain. An eternity seemed to pass. When the grinding of bone against bone and the cramping-shifting of muscle ceased at last, he was able to breathe. Blinking, he stumbled to his feet—
paws
.
paws
.
Terror flashed across her expression before she got control of herself. She swallowed. “Oh.”
He felt a growl crawl up his throat before he was able to bury it deep in his chest. He couldn’t bring himself to look her in the eyes.
This is me. It’s part of who I am. Accept it.
This is me. It’s part of who I am. Accept it.
I don’t want to.
I must.
She took a step toward him and put out a hand. “I’ll come to you. All right? Don’t be afraid. I’ll not hurt you.”
Afraid? Why would I fear her?
But he knew she was right. He was afraid. He took a long breath and slowly released it in an attempt to quiet his heart. He trembled. A memory of Haddock’s palm on his back sprang to mind, and it suddenly occurred to Liam that there very much was something to fear. She didn’t stop until she was close.
Too close.
He was big enough as the Hound that his head was at the same level as her chest. He backed up a couple steps.
But he knew she was right. He was afraid. He took a long breath and slowly released it in an attempt to quiet his heart. He trembled. A memory of Haddock’s palm on his back sprang to mind, and it suddenly occurred to Liam that there very much was something to fear. She didn’t stop until she was close.
Too close.
He was big enough as the Hound that his head was at the same level as her chest. He backed up a couple steps.
“Everything is all right. See? I won’t turn away from you.” She moved closer again.
Very slowly, she reached out and then her fingers brushed his fur before he could jerk away. He froze but for the quivering, anticipating that horrible feeling. Instead, her palm pressed against his cheek, and he sensed warmth.
What was I afraid of? Were we not together in the bed before? Nothing happened then, aye?
What was I afraid of? Were we not together in the bed before? Nothing happened then, aye?
She bent a little in order to stare him in the eyes and smiled. “Hello, Liam.”
Something inside him snapped, and it all became too much. He collapsed on the floor. The gentle pressure of her hand on his back was the only thing holding him together.
She knows. She’s seen.
She knows. She’s seen.
She soothed him. “There. Shhhh. It’s going to be all right.”
He shifted back into human form without pain or thought but stayed as he was on the floor. Covering his head with both arms, he cried for the second time in his life since Long Kesh. She left him long enough to grab the blanket off the bed. Then she draped it around him, tucking it in close.
“It’s all right,” she said and settled onto the floor next to him. She lifted his head into her lap and smoothed his hair with her fingers. “You’ve needed this for a long time.”
He buried his face in the sheet and wept until there were no more tears left. His throat was scratchy and raw and his nose was running by the end of it. She held him as if he were a child until he was finished.
“How do you feel?” she asked.
“Like a right idiot.”
“Don’t,” she said, wiping the tears from his cheek. “It’s all right.”
“Admit it.” He sniffed and sat up. “You were afraid of me.”
“I wasn’t.”
“You were.”
“What were you going to do?” she asked. “I’m already dead, you big idiot.” She threw her arms around his neck and kissed him. “Let’s go back to bed.”
He picked her up and carried her the few feet to the bed, noticing again how little they’d had. “I’m sorry I never gave you nice things—”
“Oh, who gives a shite about that? I had you,” she said. “That’s all I ever wanted.”
He lay back down beside her on the bed and stared up at the ceiling. “I didn’t keep you safe.” It’d been painted a drab white to match the walls that were made of drab white cinderblock. “I was your husband. I should’ve protected you.”
She sighed. “And what difference would it have made were you there? We’d both be dead.”
Aye,
he thought.
And we’d be together.
he thought.
And we’d be together.
“Don’t be stupid,” she said.
The room was hardly big enough for the bed. He had to stand on the mattress to open the cupboard or the chest of drawers. “I never want to leave this place.”
“You hated it,” she said. “You complained of it every chance you had.”
“I wanted better for you, but I couldn’t—”
“And I said none of that matters.”
“You would’ve been left alone but for me. But for my father.” He sighed. “The Redcap was my fault.”
“You have to stop blaming yourself. Promise me.”
Thinking, he didn’t answer.
“Promise me,” she said.
“I’ll try.”
She sighed. “I suppose that’ll have to do.” She attempted to smooth his hair.
“I’m tired of living without you.”
“You have to stay in the mortal world a while longer,” she said. “You’ve things to do.”
“I don’t care.”
“You do too. And anyway, I want you to care,” she said. “Which brings up another thing. You’ve shut off your feelings, Liam Kelly. You’re walking about half dead. It has to stop.”
“I don’t know what you mean.”
“You’re thinking now,” she said. “That’s good. Used to be, all you ever did was feel everything with that great heart of yours. You’d run into the middle of danger and think after, if you thought at all. Now all you do is think. That’s no good either. You need to do both. Think and feel.”
“What does it matter?”
“Don’t you see? You can do the things I wanted to. You can make Ireland a better place. You can do something.”
“I can’t. No one can. Everything is too fucked. And all it’ll ever do is get worse.”
“You’ve already done something,” she said. “You’ve got the Church talking to the Fey.”
“What fucking difference does that make?” he asked. “Hasn’t stopped the war.” He paused. “Either of them.”
“You’ll see,” she said.
“I will, will I?”
“Aye.” She sighed again. “I have to leave soon.”
“Why can’t we be like this forever?”
“Because that time is ended. You have to move on. It was what it was,” she said. “And I’m glad we had it, no matter how short.”
“Spent half of it fighting.”
“I know.” He felt her smile against his chest. She sat up, pulled back the blankets and kissed him on the belly. “I really do have to go soon.”
“No, you don’t. It’s my dream, so it is.”
“I do,” she said. Her golden brown hair fell over her shoulders and hid half her face. She gave him a look.
That
look. The one that never failed to send a shiver through him. “Do you want to spend the last of our time together fighting?” She lowered her head and kissed him an inch below his navel. “Or would you rather make a better dream?” Then she kissed him again a half inch below that. “Hmmm?” And an inch below that.
That
look. The one that never failed to send a shiver through him. “Do you want to spend the last of our time together fighting?” She lowered her head and kissed him an inch below his navel. “Or would you rather make a better dream?” Then she kissed him again a half inch below that. “Hmmm?” And an inch below that.
He could feel her breath tickle the hairs very low on his belly. “Oh, Christ. Oh, please.”
“Thought you’d never ask.”
Chapter 30
Belfast, County Antrim, Northern Ireland
25 December 1977, Christmas
25 December 1977, Christmas
O
rgan music blasted through the chapel, making the stained glass windows buzz inside their lead frames. Hot beeswax and burning incense spiced the air. Exhausted and anxious, Father Murray sought much-needed comfort in the ritual of mass. He attempted not to think of the ramifications of what was actually going on and failed. Glancing at Liam sitting at his right, Father Murray searched for signs of physical distress. He wished there had been more time for Liam to recover. It would’ve been better for everyone involved. However, Monsignor Alghisi, Pope Paul VI’s personal secretary had unexpectedly arrived instead of the Prelate’s representative. Monsignor Alghisi expressed a need to witness certain proofs for himself before authorizing a more permanent truce with the Fey.
rgan music blasted through the chapel, making the stained glass windows buzz inside their lead frames. Hot beeswax and burning incense spiced the air. Exhausted and anxious, Father Murray sought much-needed comfort in the ritual of mass. He attempted not to think of the ramifications of what was actually going on and failed. Glancing at Liam sitting at his right, Father Murray searched for signs of physical distress. He wished there had been more time for Liam to recover. It would’ve been better for everyone involved. However, Monsignor Alghisi, Pope Paul VI’s personal secretary had unexpectedly arrived instead of the Prelate’s representative. Monsignor Alghisi expressed a need to witness certain proofs for himself before authorizing a more permanent truce with the Fey.
Word of the potential treaty had obviously leaked among the local membership. Private services in the Order’s chapel on the third floor of the Queen’s facility were usually well attended. Daily mass was a requirement for all members of Milites Dei. Therefore, multiple services were conducted to accommodate various schedules which meant the chapel was rarely overcrowded. However, one wouldn’t know that by the current state of things. The chapel was so packed that celebrants were standing shoulder-to-shoulder along the back wall. Father Murray couldn’t bring himself to blame them. It was a historic moment after all, but it lent a certain unpleasant circus air to the occasion.
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