Angel (7 page)

She
was crazy if she thought I was letting her walk in those sub-arctic temperatures. She wouldn’t have made it five feet. The icy wind chased leaves across the darkened lot, scattering paper products and flapping Jade’s jacket against her waist,

We drove in silence for a while. Not an awkward silence—where no one knows what to say, but everyone feels like they have to say something. A comfortable silence. The kind that
brought out a sense of peace in me that I hadn’t felt all day. All
year
. Outside of the pool. Being with Jade was like being underwater in all of the good ways. And some of the bad. There was something about being around her that made it difficult to breathe, but it was a sacrifice I was willing to make.

“Caulder?” She’d been working up the courage to say whatever she had to say for most of the ride. Evidently, she’d found it. I only wished it hadn’t taken her so long.

I made her nervous. That had to change. “Cal.”

“What?”

“You can call me Cal.” Not many people did. Kiernan and our parents, that was about it. But I liked the idea of adding Jade’s name to that list.

“Oh . . . Cal?”

Yeah, I definitely liked it. “Hmm?”

“Can I ask you a dumb question?”

“Sure.” The light we’d been stopped at turned green and I rolled forward, wishing it had stayed red a little longer.

“What should I do tomorrow?” Jade frowned the moment she finished speaking and I could practically see the internal eye roll that wasn’t there.
“I mean, I know Kiernan’s being released, and I’m assuming you’re taking him back home, and—” 

“Stop.” Screw traffic lights. There wasn’t another car in sight and I could stop where I damn well pleased. Swerving onto the shoulder, I threw the car in park and twisted to get a better look at her chewing fiercely at that lip again.
“That’s not a dumb question, Jade. It’s not easy to know what the right thing is in situations like these. You don’t want to overwhelm Kiernan, you don’t want to impose on family time. All that shows is that you care. You’re considerate and you have a good heart. There’s nothing dumb about that.” 

I waited until she had a chance to process that. Her fingers unwound in her lap and she released her battered lip. Satisfied she’d heard me, I pulled back onto the road and continued toward her place.

It didn’t elude me that I’d failed to actually answer her question, but the truth was only she could answer that. And it was an answer that held more weight for me than I liked to admit.

Like a sissy, I waited until we were parked outside her building—where I could make a quick getaway—before giving it to her.

“I guess it comes down to what
you
want to do. Don’t worry about overwhelming Kiernan. He doesn’t have a lot of time left and he wants to spend every moment of it with the people he loves. That includes you. Mom and I have had a year to come to grips with this. I’m afraid you won’t have that much time. So the question is, what do you want to do with it?” 

She didn’t even hesitate. “Spend it with Kiernan.”

And that was it.
That
was the moment I knew my prayers had been answered. I was right all along. She
was
the angel my brother needed her to be.

She was the angel we all needed.

Nine

The highway stretched out before me as far as my headlights could reach. Beyond that, the darkness seemed strangely inviting. The unknown, the unseen. The obscurity. I could disappear out there. Hide from everyone and everything. I could feel those dark thoughts creeping up on me, so I shut my brain down and functioned on auto-pilot.

After making sure Jade was safely inside her building, I’d had every intention of going home. But my wheels kept on turning and now I was miles from town. Windows cracked to let in fresh air. Heater cranked to fight of the chill. Radio blasting to drown out any and every thought. Hours ticked by. I had to stop for gas. I sang along with the classic rock station until my throat ached and my voice broke.

I needed a break and this was the only way I knew how to find one. The urge to toss my cell and never turn around was powerful. It would be so easy to run. Leave it all behind. Dad had done it.

But I wasn’t him. I wasn’t a coward. I was stronger than that. At least I hoped I was, because if I wasn’t, I’d die trying to be.

Pulling onto the shoulder, I snapped off the radio. The sudden silence pounded in my ears as thoughts slowly snaked their way back in. Reminders of what I couldn’t forget
. I squared my shoulders as that weight I’d been trying to outrun settled back on them.

Break time over.

The house was dark when I parked in the drive. Not unexpected. Mom was home, but it was late. After eleven. I should have called her. She was probably worried by now. I could have at least—

Dry, gasping sobs reverberated through the darkened rooms, assaulting my ears the moment I opened the door. Shrill, cackling misery, drowning out my thoughts.

“Mom?” I followed the gut-wrenching sounds to the kitchen.

She lay in a crumpled heap on soaking wet tiles, a bucket of soapy water beside her. A yellow sponge
was still gripped tightly in one fist.

“
Mom!
”

Her entire body shook with the sheer force of her grief.

“Mom, it’s okay. I’m here, now.” What the hell was I thinking leaving her alone after the day she’d had? Prying the sponge from her vice-like fingers, I tossed it into the bucket and pulled her onto my lap. “Shh. It’s alright.”

One thing that couldn’t be said about m
y father was that he was a deadbeat. Despite being absent from our lives in every way, he did send those checks every month. And more than just child support for Kiernan. A
lot
more. Mom didn’t need to be on her hands and knees, scrubbing a floor. She wanted to be. It was her coping mechanism of choice. Always had been. Which didn’t bother me in the least.

Until tonight.

Even with only the moon’s pale light filtering through the large bay window, I could see how red and raw her hands looked. Tortured for hours by unknown chemicals and cleaning supplies.

For a long time, I thought it was her way of getting a little privacy. Kiernan and I saw housework and we generally went in the opposite direction. But this was something else, entirely. This was my mother punishing herself. Because there was no one else to punish.

It shook me right down to my foundation. This woman—this insubstantial body—wailing with misery, clinging to me in desperation. This was my mother. My
mom
. The strongest person in the world. The person I’d looked up to my entire life. The woman who had held me, and loved me, and rocked me as a child. The woman who had cheered me on and supported every decision I’d ever made, right or wrong. The woman who taught me about the type of person I wanted to be.
That
woman was falling apart right before my eyes.

I wished I could reverse time. Go back to when I was the one who cried in her arms. When all sorrows could be healed with a kiss and a
popsicle. I wasn’t her little boy, anymore. Her little boy was lying in a hospital bed. And I was there. Holding her together, while she fell apart.

The weight of responsibility settled firmly on my chest, squeezing the air from my lungs. A deep, painful ache clenched the back of my throat and the sting of tears forced my eyes shut.

“Please, Mom. I’m here. I’m right here.” But
I
would never be enough. No matter what I did. No matter what I said. Kiernan would leave us. And when that happened, I’d never be enough to fill the hole it left in her heart. “I’m sorry, Mom. I’m so sorry.”

And it broke. The solid cement casing around my heart splintered into a thousand pieces, slicing my insides like shrapnel. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.”

A black cloud settled over us. With each breath, I drew it in. Felt it filling up that hollow place inside of me with cold, unrelenting darkness. I knew that darkness. I’d been fighting it off day and night for over a year. But my defenses were down. I’d shown a moment of weakness. And it wasted no time invading.

The darkness had thorns and needles and claws and fangs. It shredded me from the inside out. Tearing away at my heart, my soul, my flesh. The pain was excruciating.

I wanted to scream, but the sound died on my parted lips. I needed to cry. To weep and wail like my mother. To find some sort of release. A way to spit out the vile blackness devouring me. But the tears wouldn’t come. The agony, the fury, the bitterness, the grief. All of it, caged so tightly, would never find an escape. It would only grow and grow until I couldn’t contain it anymore. And then . . . Then, we were all in trouble.

Silent shudders wracked my tormented body. As the moon sailed silently across the window, I fought a private battle against my despair, while Mom surrendered to hers. When she grew heavy against my chest, I knew that exhaustion had finally won out.

Scooping her into my arms, I struggled up the stairs. I felt weak. As though someone had pulled a plug and drained all of the strength from me, body and soul. The day had taken its toll and left me broke. I had nothing more to give.

After tucking Mom into her own bed, I dragged my feet down the hall. My phone clattered to the floor as I stripped off my jeans and a pale blue
, pulsing light filled the room, indicating the
seven
missed calls I had. All from Beth.

Dammit
. The study group. I was completely screwed.

The shadows of my bedroom closed in around me. Suffocating me. Crushing me. How much longer could I do this? How much longer could I go on like this? I was running on empty and saw no end in sight.

The sound of Mom’s cries mingled with Jade’s in the silent room. So much heartbreak. So much misery.

And above it all, came the sound of my own sorrow.

“I’m so sorry I’m not enough.”

Ten

We’d been home from the hospital for less than an hour and the mood in the house had plummeted to somewhere in the neighborhood of morose. Mom was locked in her office, avoiding me I assumed given that she hadn’t been able to look me in the eye all morning. And Kiernan was up in his room, listening to some kind of emo music. On a loop.

I was so sick of the seemingly requisite moping that came along with each and every reminder of Kiernan’s condition. It’s not like we ever managed to forget about it, but each time something like this happened it felt like we all needed to go through a period of mourning. Why? He wasn’t dead. Wasn’t that something to be celebrated?

And yet, the house was every bit the depressing scene I was certain Jade feared she’d be walking into any minute. Well, screw that.

“Mom?” I knocked on her door and waited for her to open it. She couldn’t avoid me forever.

“Cal?” Her hair was arranged in perfect curls cascading around her shoulders and she’d spent hours on her makeup. She wore a pressed outfit that I rarely saw outside of special events and a set of matching, delicate jewelry. Every line, every button, every curl in place. As though she needed to prove to . . . Me? Her? Everyone? That she was still in control after losing it the night before. “Did you need something?”

“Yeah. I was thinking . . . We skipped breakfast this morning, and Kiernan’s had nothing but hospital food since yesterday . . . Jade’s coming over and she’s never had your stew. Maybe you could make some for lunch?”

Asking Mom if she wanted to cook was like asking a golden retriever if it wanted to play fetch. The definition of a dumb question. When her eyes finally reached mine and I saw that light in them I hadn’t seen in two days, I knew I’d nailed it.

“That’s a wonderful idea.” She turned back into her office, leaving the door open, and I watched her power down her computer. “I should have all of the ingredients I need, but if not I’ll make a quick run to the store. Why don’t you see if you can get your brother to come downstairs while I raid the pantry?”

“Sure.” Dragging Kiernan’s butt out of bed had been next on my to-do list, anyway.

Sticking his favorite video game in the console—the one I spent far too much time practicing, while he was at school—I cranked the volume and headed upstairs. I needed something up my sleeve to lure him out of isolation at times like these, and his competitive nature usually did the trick. 

“Hey. How are you feeling?”

Kiernan groaned and pulled a pillow over his head. “Tired. And if one more person asks me that, I’m going to—”

“Too tired to get your ass kicked? Again?” This was going to go one of two ways. Either, he really was too tired to give in to my taunting, in which case I’d have to call Jade and tell her to come over some other time. Something I really didn’t want to have to do to her. Or his ego would outrank his fatigue.

I had to suppress a grin when he tossed the pillow aside to glare at me. “You only won last time because I—”

“Excuses, excuses. Think you can beat me?”

“I know I can.”

“Prove it.”

Kiernan was on his feet and out the door ahead of me. I grinned at his back the whole way downstairs.

His favorite blue controller was already on the sofa where he always sat and I left him scrolling through the menu of customizable options when the doorbell rang. I knew exactly what he was looking for. The AK-47. He was nothing if not predictable. No appreciation for the subtler things in life. One day, I was going to take him and his assault rifle out with a pocket knife. Just to prove I could.

“Jade.” Wide, startled eyes stared back at me when I opened the door. Her gaze darted down the hall behind me, where an atomic sounding blast shook the frames. “Come on! You’re just in time to watch me kick Kiernan’s butt.”

With rapid gun fire blasting through the house, we didn’t bother trying to talk anymore until we reached the media room. Evidently, she hadn’t yet been introduced to my favorite room in the house because she stood there, gaping at the enormous flat screen on the wall.

“Jade!” Kiernan’s eyes never left the game until his final foe was defeated and he threw a victory fist into the air. “Perfect timing. You can watch me pulverize Cal.”

Jade’s eyes flicked from Kiernan, to me, around the room, and back to Kiernan again while her mouth opened and closed around unspoken words. She wasn’t prepared for this.
Idiot.
I’d just dropped the emotional equivalent of a nuclear bomb on her and now I expected her to act like nothing had changed? Like everything was—?

“Funny.” The lopsided tip of her lips shocked the hell out of me as she flopped down beside Kiernan. “Cal just claimed something very similar.”

“Did he now? Well, we’ll have to see who’s right.” Kiernan leaned in for a quick kiss. Nothing weird about that. Except the way Jade’s gaze cut to me the moment they parted.

Who the hell appointed me chaperone?

It was the last time she looked at me all morning. She wasn’t shutting me out on purpose. She’d simply built this protective bubble around her and Kiernan, and everyone outside of it had ceased to exist. All things considered, it wasn’t unreasonable, but I’d be lying if I said that coldness inside of me didn’t grow just a little more bitter.

“Here. Why don’t you give it a shot?”

Jade’s eyes locked on the controller in my outstretched hand before lifting to mine. It was worth forfeiting my record breaking winning streak for that moment of her warmth. A single look and that solid block of ice in my chest began to thaw.

“Are you sure? I’m sure I’ll be terrible. I’ve never—”

“You’ll never know until you try. Besides, it looks like Kiernan could use a little
less
competition.”

A throw pillow sailed past my head and I burst out laughing. “Your aim is just as bad in real life, bro.”

Another pillow went flying with the same atrocious results and the smile on Jade’s face was enough to heat me all the way through.

Kiernan proceeded to massacre her seven straight rounds. By the eighth, she’d stopped spinning in circles every time she tried to turn around and actually managed to get a few shots off. They all hit the wall, but that wasn’t the point. She was so bad, she
couldn’t
have been having fun, but she kept on playing—entertaining Kiernan and I to no end—until Kiernan finally took pity on her and declared it lunch time. 

“Perfect timing, stew’s almost ready.” Mom waved us into the kitchen where thick meaty scents made my stomach sit up and take notice. “Why don’t you boys set the table and see if
 Jade would like something to drink?” 

I pulled out the set of old stone bowls Grandma had given us back when Mom and Dad first got married. They weren’t really fancy, but they were sentimental, and they had this cool berry design that I never in a million years would have admitted out-loud that I liked.

The glasses were just that: glass with some flowery engravings that I was proud to say held no interest for me. I passed those over to Kiernan, who was busy giving Jade a tour of our refrigerator. “While you’re at it, I’ll take some lemonade.”

Jade looked . . . fascinated. By what? Soda? I didn’t ask. I didn’t want to know. I had a feeling the answer would only piss me off.

I handed the dishes to Mom, who stood over her cauldron sized pot, ladle in hand. Looked like we’d be eating stew for a week. Maybe we could send some home with—

My thoughts were derailed by the sound of breaking glass.

“Oh crap. I’m sorry.” Kiernan leapt for the paper towels as a puddle of lemonade pooled around Jade’s feet, the spray covering her shoes and halfway up her pant legs. “You okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

I crouched in front of her, secretly examining her legs for any signs of bleeding, while I swept up the shattered debris. Jade appeared to be fine. Kiernan, less so. I could hear him shuffling around behind me, not knowing what to do, what to say.

“Are
you
okay?” Jade’s gaze zeroed in on Kiernan’s hand, which was flexing and fisting by his side.

“I’m good.” The hand disappeared into his pocket with one of those lackluster grins, and I fought the urge to slap him upside the head.

It was bullshit and I knew it. Worse,
Jade
knew it. Nothing serious, just some muscle weakness that came and went from time to time, but he was lying to her about it. And he had to be blind if he couldn’t see the way that hurt her.

***

We followed lunch with a marathon of some of Kiernan’s favorite movies. The kind that made the house shake with the sheer volume of the massive explosions taking place on screen. Not Jade’s usual genre of choice, I was sure, but she didn’t complain. She just laid there beside my brother and fought to keep her eyes open for as long as possible. Not long after she lost her battle with exhaustion, Kiernan surrendered, as well.

The movie continued to play, but I couldn’t tear my eyes away from them long enough to keep up with whatever was going on. It was probably a creepy thing to do, watching them sleep, but I couldn’t help myself. Whenever I
looked at either of them it was impossible not to see the weight they carried. Silent struggles waged in each of them for different reasons, but they both fought every moment they were awake. Maybe it’s what drew them together in the first place. But now, in sleep, they both looked . . . peaceful.

I wondered about Kiernan. If when the end finally came, if he’d have that kind of peace always. No more fear. No more pain. No more struggles.

And I wondered about Jade. If she’d ever find it.

I prayed for both of them that the answer was yes.