Angel Fire (64 page)

“We?” echoed Willow. Her face in the firelight looked very still.

Alex nodded. “Yeah. You’re all welcome to join me, if you want.” He kept his voice neutral. For a while there, in the aftermath of the attack, things had actually felt the same as always between him and Willow – a delusion that had been forcibly dispelled when she wouldn’t even take his hand to let him help her up. Having her around all the time when she was with Seb would be more painful than he really wanted to imagine. But he needed every person he could get now – and besides, they were part of his team. Even Seb. Bizarrely, something had shifted between the two of them today; Alex thought he could actually work with the guy without killing him now.

Willow looked worried as she and Seb glanced at each other; he seemed to be trying to read an answer from her eyes.

“Don’t tell me now, any of you,” said Alex. “And don’t feel obligated to come.” He scraped a hand over his face, trying not to see the city falling again. Or Wesley and Trish as they’d run after them with the mob, shouting. He felt weary down to his bones. “Today was...the worst,” he said finally. “But it still may not be as bad as it ever gets. So think about it. Think about what it means, to keep on with this. I wouldn’t blame any of you if you just wanted to hide out in the mountains somewhere and try to build a life for yourself.”

Sam snorted. “Who the hell would do that? Yeah, I’m in; I can tell you right now.” He was sitting against a fallen log; he shifted, keeping his injured leg straight out in front of him. “No way am I gonna just hide away and do nothing, after today.”

“Me too,” said Liz softly.

Willow cleared her throat, not meeting his gaze. “We’ll think about it, okay? And tell you tomorrow.”

We
. Alex tried not to feel the sting. “Yeah, sure,” he said, tossing another stick onto the fire. “It’ll take us a few days to get back to the US anyway – if that’s where you’re going,” he added.

Seb looked at Willow again, searching her face with a slight frown. “I don’t think we know yet,” he said.

No one said much for a while after that. Though the fire burned down some, it still kept the coolness of the night away; Sam crossed his arms over his chest and closed his eyes, looking half-asleep where he sat. Eventually Liz got up to go get the other bottle of water from the truck. When she didn’t come back, Alex went after her and found her curled up asleep in the front seat, looking beyond exhausted. He started to wake her up so she could have the tent, but decided against disturbing her. She’d be okay out here; he and Sam would sleep in the back. Thinking of Willow and Seb in the same tent that he’d shared with her was a further kick in the guts, but he supposed he’d survive it. After today, he could survive anything.

When he got back to the campfire, Sam’s snores were filling the air. Willow and Seb were obviously deep in conversation. They broke off when he reappeared; the tension on Willow’s face made Alex feel like an intruder. It also made him want to put his arms around her and hold her for ever – an emotion he seriously didn’t need right now.

“I’ll get some more firewood,” he said shortly, and walked off without waiting for a response.

There was a clearing not far away, awash with moonlight. Alex sat down against a rock and stared up at the sky. All the familiar constellations were still there – the same as they’d been after his father’s death, and then his brother’s. The night sky’s patterns always remained predictable, no matter how much your world had just been rocked. At times in his life he’d found this soothing, and at other times infuriating. Now he just felt numb, cold as starlight.

Wesley and Trish, rabid with angel burn. God, he’d
known
Wesley’s arm wasn’t better yet; he should never have let him take part. Okay, so maybe neither of them had actually died, but angel burn had always seemed almost worse than death to Alex; it took away a person’s choices. If he’d just managed to do things better – get there faster, stop the attack after all – then maybe it wouldn’t have happened. And he didn’t even know if Kara and Brendan were still alive or not. Even if they’d somehow managed to make it out of the Torre Mayor, what were the odds that they’d actually left the city in time? Or that Juan’s old van had made it through those lurching streets?

Alex pinched the bridge of his nose as the thoughts pummelled him. He didn’t have any answers. None. And now the world would never be the same again and he had to keep on being a leader somehow – just because there was no one else around to do it.

“Hi,” said a soft voice.

He looked up. Willow stood in the moonlight. “Hi,” he said after a pause.

She swallowed. “Can I, um...sit with you for a while? I think we should probably talk.”

Standing there in the silvery light, she was so beautiful that it made him hurt inside. He shrugged wearily. “If you want.”

Willow sat near him, keeping a careful distance. Tracing at the ground with her finger, she cleared her throat. “Alex, I just wanted to say that...I’m really sorry I hurt you.”

He sighed. Yeah, this was exactly what he felt like talking about right now. “Can we skip this conversation?” he asked, rubbing his forehead. “Seriously, I’d rather not have it. I don’t need to hear how sorry you are.”

She sat watching the motion of his fingers anxiously; then seemed to catch herself doing it, and glanced away. “All right.” Her voice was thin, strained. “But Alex, I don’t think Seb and I will be going with you to Nevada. I just don’t think it’s a good idea for – for me to be so close to you. So I don’t know if I’ll see you again after tomorrow, and I wanted to tell you—” Her voice broke; Alex froze, his heart aching as he saw she was close to tears. “...to tell you that I still love you,” she got out. “I really do, Alex, and – and I’m sorry for everything.”

Wiping her eyes, she jumped to her feet. Alex leaped up too, pained bewilderment clutching at his throat. “Willow, wait! What—” He touched her arm; she pulled away, hugging herself.

“Please don’t,” she said in a small voice.

She looked miserable, almost frightened. Alex stared at her. “Don’t what? Don’t touch your arm?”

Willow almost said something and stopped, shaking her head. “I...I’d better get back.” She started to walk away.

“No,
wait
.” He dodged in front of her; a sudden suspicion had taken root and was growing by the second. “Willow, why can’t I touch your arm? Why wouldn’t you take my hand when we fell on the grass?”

She gripped her elbows, not meeting his eyes. “I just didn’t want to, that’s all. Sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings, or anything.” She was a terrible liar. And now Alex recalled that same flat tone had been in her voice when she’d stood there with Seb in the kitchen, and even earlier, back in the storeroom before their first hunt, when he’d asked her what was wrong. She’d had that same look on her face then too – complete agony as she started to tell him something but didn’t.

Oh god.

The truth slammed into him. He reached for her arms again without thinking; she jerked away. “
Don’t!
Don’t touch me!”

“You think you’re giving me angel burn,” he said urgently. “That’s it, isn’t it? That’s why you broke up with me.” She didn’t answer; she didn’t need to. She covered her face with one hand, her shoulders shaking.

He could barely hear his own words over the pounding of his pulse. “Are you really in love with Seb? Did you two really—”

“
No
,” she broke in. “We kissed, that’s all. And it was totally wrong, and it just made me realize how...how much I—” She broke down then; Alex wrapped his arms around her and held her tightly, his heart racing with sudden hope.

“Tell me again that you’re not in love with Seb,” he whispered into her hair. “Please, please, tell me again.”

She shook her head against his chest; her voice was muffled. “I’m not in love with Seb; I never was. I do love him, but not like that. Alex, I shouldn’t be touching you—”

He ignored her. “What about your dream?”

“It was true – all except the part about being in love with him.” She looked up, her eyes wet. “I didn’t mention it to you at the time because I didn’t even believe it; I didn’t see how I could ever feel so strongly about a boy who isn’t you. But now I see that I can, only it’s just friendship; it’s like he’s my brother – Alex, I
can’t
touch you! Let me go; I’m hurting you—”

“You’re not hurting me! Willow—” He pulled away, gripping both her hands. “I’m still in love with you,” he said fervently. “I love you more than anything. Do you still feel the same about me?”

She went very still, the moonlight glinting on her face. For a moment the look in her eyes was salvation – and then her face went dull. “Of course I do,” she whispered. She pulled her hands away from his. “And that’s why I can’t be with you. I knew you’d do this; it’s why I didn’t tell you before. You think I’m not hurting you, but I
am
. I can see it in your aura right this second.”

“My aura?”

“Yes! It looks—” Her face crumpled slightly; she regained herself with visible effort. “It looks sick,” she said. “And it’s because of me. It’s something about my energy, being half-angel – the effect must be cumulative, but it’s
there
, it happens.”

“What effect? Willow, what are you talking about?”

Her spiked hair looked darker than usual in the moonlight; her elfin face lined with sadness. “Your migraines and your headaches are because of me,” she said. “I know they haven’t always been, but the ones you’re having now are. Alex, your aura looks—” Her gaze went to the outline of his body, scanning it. “Dull,” she finished. “Not healthy. And there are these dark spots...” She trailed off.

“But—” He stared at her as images came and went in a flash: his father, back at the camp; Cully, after an extended hunt. Himself, sitting on the Metro, wondering how much damage he’d been taking lately. “Willow, did you think that was because of you? Oh, babe...” He tried to put his arms around her again; she sidestepped out of his reach.

“Of course I think it’s because of me! What else am I supposed to think?”

“It’s because I’m an AK! It’s something that happens if you’re exposed to a lot of angel fallout; the aura takes damage. Willow, my dad used to get the same thing!”

She went very still, on her face he saw doubt battling with a longing to believe. “So how come you didn’t have this when we first met?”

“Because the aura usually restores itself! I only killed about an angel a week back then. But I’ve been going on hunts every day for weeks now – go and check out Sam’s aura; it’ll be just the same!” His words spilled out quickly; he felt desperate to make her see the truth.

She gave a short, humourless laugh, wiping her eyes. “Sam’s aura is
not
just the same. Sam’s aura looks fine, actually.”

He pushed his hair back in frustration. “Okay, well I don’t know – maybe it
is
cumulative then; I’ve been doing this for years. But, Willow, it is
not you
. I swear to you, when I looked at my dad’s aura once, it was just the same. And there were no half-angels at the camp, all right?”

The moment stood poised on a knife blade. Willow slowly shook her head. “I could still have something to do with it. You don’t know for a fact that I’m not hurting you, and neither do I. Haven’t you noticed that every migraine you got was less than a day after...after we got really physical together?”

“Fine, and what about all the times we got really physical, and
nothing happened
– except we both enjoyed it a whole lot? Willow, it’s just a coincidence!”

Her expression was the same as when she’d told him she was going to try to stop the Second Wave – sad but determined, unaffected by any argument he might make. “You can’t know that, and I won’t take the chance,” she said. “I won’t hurt you, Alex. I refuse.”

He stared at her in disbelief; the statement was so ludicrous that he barked out a short, bitter laugh. “You think breaking up with me
didn’t hurt
me? I’ve been in hell these last few days. Complete hell.”

Pain creased her face. “Me too,” she whispered. “But—”

“And even if you
are
causing it, even if you’re making me sick in some terrible way we don’t know about – Jesus, Willow, I could be killed tomorrow anyway! I don’t expect a
long life
doing what I do, okay? And for however long I’ve got left...I want to spend it with you.” He took her hands; held them between his and kissed them. “Please,” he said. “I want to spend it with you.”

Her eyes were damp; her face filled with longing. For a moment he thought she was going to relent – then she gently pulled away. “And what if being with me makes your life even shorter than it would have been?” she asked. “What if you die a year sooner than you would have anyway, and that year would have made all the difference in fighting the angels?”

“Yeah, and what if being with you makes me so happy that I get a few
more
years, because I’ve actually got something to live for?” he said hotly. “We can’t know! You don’t get to just decide this for both of us!”

“But it’s not only about
us
, don’t you see?” Her eyes were agonized. “I already have to live with knowing that...that I played a part in what happened today. A whole city – all those people...” She trailed off helplessly, and shook her head. “Do you think I’d do anything, anything at all, that might hurt the world even more?”

“None of it was your fault,” he said in a low voice. “It was Raziel – he used you; he used all of us. Don’t you think
I’m
scared? Two of my team have got angel burn now; two of them are missing – I couldn’t stop any of it! But I’ve got to keep on, and so do you. Don’t let him tear us apart, on top of everything else.”

She let out a breath that was almost a sob. Hugging herself, she stared at a nearby tree, as if she was taking in its every detail in the moonlight. “Alex...I just can’t. I’d be terrified every day that I was hurting you; I’d be worried sick every time we touched.”

The thought that this was the only thing keeping them apart was torture. “Willow, you’re
not hurting me
. And if you really break us up over this, when you love me as much as I love you – it’ll be the biggest mistake ever.” He took her hands again, gripping them hard. “How do I convince you that you’re wrong – Christ, what do I say, what do I do? Please, help me out here—”