Angel of Ash (42 page)

“
I have heard of this condition. I have seen how it ravages the mind, the spirit and the soul. Do you still wish to die?”

Asher thought long and hard before shaking his head. “No.”

“
What occurred that would change it to so?”

“
Before I, before I closed my eyes, sitting underneath the tree, laden with heavy snow, I thought of my daughter. The selfless love that she showed me…when I was aware of such. Her perfect face, her smile, the way her eyes lit. I wanted, I wanted to see her eyes light again. I wanted to smile and love her as she loved me. And then I saw my wife…saw how I had abused her, cursed at her, treated her like the worse of animals, as if she was a dog, a slave, chattel and the utter horror and pain that washed over me….I had never felt such.”

The doctor nodded, he to, lost in thought, the man’s pained words a horror.

“
And then…I felt it, a peace, and a stillness…forgiveness, towards me, who did not deserve such. The horror, the dread, the pain, the remorse I felt can never be fully explained and never will I make mention. I realized how I have withheld my love and forgiveness when I was showered with such. I deserve hell, death and eternal damnation. I deserve it and was not given it.”

“
My lord…” the doctor’s voice was heavy with emotion. “My lord, a call for salvation I have never heard so simplistically given.”

“
I know not.” Asher interrupted. “What salvation is. For long years I have ignored God, cursed him, and then simply forgot, erased Him from my memory. My parents they believe in him as does my wife. Yet I have kept far from him, until I sat at the tree.”

“
What happened?”

“
The stillness as I described…and then, heat, warmth, love, power, and my fear. The very touch of the Lord, the one whom my parents call King… a touch, something that flowed through me, that reached me that reached the unease and horror of my mind. I still feel it…the madness, but its…power over me, the power that I had allowed it…is gone, receded. I will fight it all the days my life, but…now, sir, I know not how to explain myself further.”

“
Now you are free.”

Asher nodded and for the first time smiled. “Now I am free.”

He stood uneasily at the door, feeling nervous, like a young boy, instead of a man of thirty two years. It had been nearly a year since he’d seen his wife and his daughter, that long since he spoken to his family or been in England. But he was here, in front of a picturesque two story small home, ivy gracing the beautiful brick front, a light dusting of snow covering the gardens, Christmas was in three days, the home was picturesque, a perfect home for his wife and daughter. His fingers clenched, unclenched before finally he knocked on the door, three times.

As his heart beat in trepidation he wanted more than anything to turn away, to run, hide from the pain that he knew would fill Angels’ eyes, but he stilled his nerves, his jaw clench and finally slowly relaxed, just enough.

When the door opened, he pulled his top hat off, not minding the dusting of snow; he’d stabled his horse himself in the back of the home, two other geldings housed there.

“
My lord?” The elderly woman, small and plump with rosy cheeks said, staring at his with curiosity. She knew him to be family, but who exactly she knew not, she’d met the extensive Hawthorne family; the young child’s uncles, grandparents, aunts and cousins, but she’d not met him. Her heart beat when recognition dawned upon her.

“
How do you do?” Asher asked. “Can you notify your mistress that Asher Hawthorne is in attendance?” He said.

“
Oh, yes, sir,” she said, inviting him in. “My lord, if you will follow me to the parlor,” she said, as Asher stepped in while she closed the door behind him. The hall was light, airy, with gleaming dark wood floors, the smell of lemon oil, baking bread and flowers filling the home with a smell so wonderfully enticing Asher knew he’d remember it for the rest of his life. This home held laughter, joy.

“
Your coat, my lord?” The servant asked, but Asher shook his head, he was not cold, just prepared if Angel asked him to leave, he kept his hat in his hands as the servant escorted him to the parlor.

“
Tea will be served momentarily,” she began.

“
No thank you,” Asher stated.

“
Yes, my lord, I shall notify the lady of your arrival.”

“
Thank you.”

His heart beat with trepidation, he stilled his nerves even more, his mind racing, thoughts of the pain he’d inflicted upon his young wife more than he could bear. Instead, he glanced around in curiosity at the small, but comfortable parlor, everything tastefully done, heavy leather couches and chairs, clean, dark wood gleaming, books of ancient literature neatly placed, a roaring fire to chase away the December cold.

The door that the servant closed opened slowly; he saw his wife and felt the world right itself.

“
Hello,” he began studying Angel, she’d gained weight, her cheeks were no longer as prominent, the hollows under her eyes gone, her hair restored to its shining glory in black, silky curls loosely pinned atop her head, her mouth glistened, she was dressed in a white, high wasted morning dress with small capped sleeved, her beauty astonished him, the peace within her. The whiteness of the gown offset her deep golden brown skin, her cheeks looked flushed as if she’d run, her lips parted slightly.

He didn’t know what caused him to stride to her, he could not have stopped himself if he tried, he pulled her to him, the fear melting away and brought his lips to hers as she wrapped her arms around his neck, deep emotion racing through his body. “I am sorry, Angel, I am sorry,” he repeated over and over again, tears falling down his eyes to combine with hers. “I am sorry for the all the pain that t I have inflicted upon you, the words that I wish I could take back, my actions. I am sorry my love, I am so sorry,” he whispered over and over, cupping her face in his large, callused hands. “If I can erase the past I would, forever, make you forget everything that I have ever done to you in anger, in hate.” He whispered, the tears falling, meeting her eyes in a sea of her own tears as she sobbed. “I will make it up to you and Glory, if you will accept me back. But I understand if you do not. Your love was given to me and I was a fool, a damned fool for not basking in it when I had it. Please, my love, please, Angel,” he said, kissing her, not knowing what he begged for but whatever it was, she was the answer, the very key to everything.

“
Asher, Asher,” she kept whispering.

“
I see you, my love, I see you.” He said.

“
Your eyes, Asher, you are different,” she said, staring at him, the veil that had always covered him, the darkness in his eyes, it was gone, they were perfect feline, bright.

“
I am different,” he returned.

“
You found a cure? A treatment?” She asked, holding on to his arms as if for dear life.

He nodded, “I found peace when I had none, when I was finally so tired of fighting, of the madness, and the Lord saw fit to heal me, to ease my pain, my lady. I will not rush you or hurry you, Angel. I know that I have to earn your trust and Glory’s’ as well. This I do not question.”

Nodding, both of their tears eased as she smiled, laughing, wrapping her arms around his neck. “You are back!” She exclaimed. “I prayed for your soul.”

“
Were you upset?”

“
No, my lord, no, your letters reached us intact, I read them to Glory every night, I understood, I knew this was for the best, I hoped and I prayed, I envisioned this day, the Lord has answered my prayers. Even your brothers prayed, I would not have it any other way. Glory and I prayed for you every night, no matter what and I was at peace my lord, if you were to return to us…or if you were not. I was at peace.”

“
Where is she?” He asked his heart beating even more rapidly at the thought of his small daughter, wanting to see her, to kiss her face, to hug her to him.

“
Come,” Angel said, pulling at Asher. “Come,” she said racing up the stairs and he followed, amazed at her excitement, the love that she still showed him, the forgiveness. He was not worthy of her, never, in a million years, but he would make up for it, he would cherish his wife and his family, he would have it no other way.

She stopped before a half parted door, a young child’s voice playing an imaginary game, she smiled. “She won’t be in fear,” Angel said. “We hoped for this day, we hoped to the Lord for this day. She misses you,” she said.

Asher could not breath, Angel slowly opened the door, and the little girls’ voice stilled, as she looked up, smiling, “Mommy, mommy,” she said before stopping her eyes opening wide, at three years of age she was the very image of her parents, black hair, golden skin, feline eyes in a picture perfect heart shaped face, two deep dimples on each side of her perfect rosebud mouth. “Daddy!” She screamed, racing towards him and he picked her up, swung her around and Asher broke, everything within him broke upon that cheery winter’s afternoon, three days before Christmas.

“
It’s alright, Daddy,” Glory said sweetly, patting his shoulder and kissing his face as his tears fell. “It’s alright, we missed you to,” she said sweetly before laying her head upon his shoulders, patting his shoulder in comfort.

They stayed in her bedroom for most of the day, Asher smiling, playing dolls and tea with his daughter and wife, reading to her, throwing her in the air, as the hours raced away and before the family knew it, it was time for dinner. The servants greeted him warmly when they went downstairs, Glory still in his arms as they ate dinner in the cozy dining room, Glory keeping up a rambling conversation, feeding her father every now and again, babbling incessantly and sweetly. It was no surprise that the newly reunited family retired to the study until well into the wee hours of the night, and it was well past twelve when Glory fell asleep in her father’s arms.

He did not want to leave her and kept her, not caring that she drooled upon his clothing as Angel sat right next to them, her hands holding Asher’s free arm. “Asher,” she said, smiling, God had restored her as well as Asher. She was no longer afraid of her husband, had found her strength again, she had known that if Asher had died or if had forevermore left she and Glory would survive, the earth did not rise and set on Asher as she’d once believed and she’d also forgiven him, for the Lord had allowed her to see that Asher’s’ pain and the depth of hurt that festered within him was more than her mind could ever grasp and when she placed herself in his shoes, she could do nothing but lament regarding her husband and wanted nothing more but to help carry his burden. God had healed them both in their time away from each other. “Will you tell me what occurred?”

Asher nodded, shifting Glory in his arms. “I traveled my lady, with nothing but my horse, a couple of pairs of clothes and some personal effects. I would keep up with the days by writing the date on my hand before I went to sleep and checking it against the small journal I kept. When I was not traveling, I would write letters to you and Glory, or draw your faces upon parchment paper. I kept quiet, often not seeing another person for days or even weeks on end. My mind drove me to near madness until I found myself nearly two weeks without food and then more than three day without water. I was deep in a forest, the snow falling heavily, I was too weak to care, I sat beneath a tree, the snow falling upon me, and the thought of Glory and you and then it began forgiveness. When I awoke, I was in an infirmary; amazingly enough I was less than half a mile from a main road, a small village in the Italian Alps. The nurse and doctor were…saints. They brought me back from deaths door, encouraged me, were patient and kind. I showed them the pictures of you; spoke of you all, my family. They hurried me through the healing process and prayed over me often. As soon as I was able I left, thoughts of you and Glory empowering me, the release of the past, the forgiveness bestowed upon me by God. I arrived this morning and came straight away here. I could not have denied myself even if it meant you would be at peace for all your life. I wanted to see you and Glory, I longed for you two, my heart was adrift. I will make up all the pain, the horror of our shared past, my Angel. I have finally laid to rest the pain of my past. I may always fight this madness but I will never allow it to consume me as it once had. No matter what. No matter if you tell me to go away or never want to see me again. No matter how life turns, I will count the blessings that have been given me. I owe the Lord and you no less.”

They were both strangely dry eyed, perhaps the tears of earlier had been enough, a release. She nodded. “I believe you, Asher, but I know it is for the best for us to begin fresh, anew. Therefore, I request we not lay as man and wife, not yet.”

“
Yes, my Angel,” he stated, squeezing her hand gently.

She smiled. “I had the guest bedroom prepared. I would be honored if you did stay here, with us, through the New Year. Glory and I are to travel to your parents estate tomorrow for Christmas Eve, will you attend with us.”

“
It will be my honor,” he stated.

She smiled. “Well, a biddable husband you have become.”

He laughed, catching her unaware, Asher laughed so rarely, the sound glided over her body and she felt her insides tightening, her womanly places. Maybe it was her who would have to stay out of his bed and not the other way around.

“
Shall I place Glory in her bed?” he asked.

“
Yes,” she said, standing to attend to the dying fire while he himself stood, holding the sleeping child in his arms before following behind his wife’s curvy form, feeling his face heat as he avoided the perfect curve of her bottom. He settled his daughter in her bed, wrapping the covers around her and stood, watching as Angel kissed the top of her silky black hair, closing her eyes and whispering against her cheek a small prayer.