AnguiSH (17 page)

             
“Nah I don’t have to, I’ll just press charges against you for sexual harassment if you threaten to fire me.”

             
“For what? I’ll deny everything.”

             
She turned towards me and as she spoke next, her breath on my neck and it made me shiver.  “Remember the night I brought you coffee?”

             
I nodded, barely.

             
“You were talking about possums or something but the only thing I could see was a drop of whipped cream on your top lip.  All I could think of was how many ways I could get it off your lip without a napkin.”

             
I closed my eyes, she’d stopped speaking as her lips were now sucking and nipping at the skin below my chin.   Her hand, once tangled in mine, now began a journey from the edge of my shorts up the side of my torso and then back down.  I couldn’t help but notice how different her touch was from Holly’s.  Hers had always seemed, cold, almost robotic. 

             
“Why are you so tense?” She asked me.  I felt like I was all or nothing with her, and God help me I wanted it to be all.  But because I didn’t know if I trusted myself to stop, I did nothing.  I wanted to be her everything but knew I was far from it.

             
“I don’t trust myself with you, like this.  Hell, I barely trusted myself today in the middle of the nursery.  But now, you look so damned beautiful under these lights.  I want to touch every part of you.  I want my mouth on every part of you.”

             
I was hovering over her now.  And I tried one last time at futile resistance.  But I failed miserably. 

             
I got as close to her ear as I could, “Tell me, baby.  Tell me you don’t want me like I want you.  Tell me to leave you alone.  Tell me you deserve better than me.”

             
She pulled away and made sure I met her gaze before she spoke, “Whoever made you think that you don’t deserve anything you want should have a one way ticket to hell.”

             
“You had your chance.” I covered her mouth with mine, desperate for another taste of her.  She laughed for a second, knowing she’d won, or I’d lost or both—I couldn’t tell.  But it certainly felt like I won. 

             
She turned towards me. One of her thighs went between my legs and I never knew in a million years that a girl could do so many things with just a leg.  My left hand found her hip and kneaded her muscle there, squeezed the parts of her that I’d wanted to touch for too long.  She’d switched to running her foot up and down my leg, tugged at my lower lip with her teeth and suddenly I wanted her under me, calling out my name.

             
After a while, I slowed us down.  It was either slow us down or tear her dress off with one fail swoop. 

             
“I feel like I’ve shared more with you in this past month than I have anyone in my life,” I told her, my hands still on her, refusing to let go.  I wanted to infuse myself with the feel of her.

             
“I doubt that.”  I hated to admit how much I enjoyed what I saw in her face as she whispered that admittance to me.  Jealousy looked good on her.

             
“What?  Say what you mean.  Holly and I were together for a while.  But the only thing we shared was sex.  Even that only lasted for about three months.  Then she moved to the other bedroom.  I stopped doing the things that I loved because she didn’t like them.  I stopped reading.  I let my plants die.  I was failing my classes long before I took my leave.  She took six months of my life, ruined me, and then moved on.  And then I willingly gave her two more years.  And until you showed up, I was satisfied with the status quo—I was satisfied with living in anguish.  But you came in with so much life.  I feel like I’m alive again when I’m with you.”             

             
Her hand was on my chin and there were tears suspended in the corners of her eyes. 

             
I’d done it.  I was so capricious about the whole thing.  I’d meant to pick the perfect spot to lay that at her feet.  And now I’d made her cry.

             
She turned her face away from me. 

             
“I’m sorry.  I thought maybe you felt the same.  I thought…”

             
“I do Breaker.  I do feel the same.  I just don’t know what to think about you.  You like all the things about me that everyone else hates.  How do you do that?”

             
“You mean your voice?  I don’t see how anyone could hate that voice.  I dream about you, talking to me.”

             
She smiled.  The gleam of mischief lighted her eyes and I knew this intimate moment wouldn’t be long without a smart ass remark.

             
“Oh yeah, and what does it say?”

             
She thought I’d cower.  She was wrong. I resumed breathing my words into her ear, loving the shivers that slid down her body as she listened.

             
“It says, ‘more Breaker’, ‘yes Breaker’, “right there’…”

             
She laughed and covered her face with her hands, “Ok, ok, I get it.  I’m so not washing your sheets.”

             
I needed to change the subject, quick. I turned around and changed the ambient sounds to campfire. 

             
“There, no more dirty talk.  But I do have one last question for you.”

             
“I’m afraid to answer,” Her blush had tripled and I glided my fingertips across it before settling for one more question.

             
“Ash, do you want to sleep with me below these fake stars and next to this computer generated campfire sound?”

             
She nodded, “This isn’t getting you out of camping Breaker James.”  She scooted closer and tucked herself into me, using my arm as her pillow.  She felt right next to me.  She conjured a carnal urgency so great in me—to protect her—to put her needs before my own—to tell her every day the opposite of what the world told her—to possess her—to hear her say she was mine.

             
“Stop thinking and go to sleep Breaker James.”

             
And with her beckon, I did.

Ash

             
As I went to sleep next to Breaker’s chest, beneath the crook of his chin, I couldn’t help but think that Holly was the one who needed mental help.  A guy this sweet, with that much heart—she was a real piece of work.

             
I woke in the middle of the night and the twinkly lights had been extinguished.  A lone ray of moonlight shone through the bay window onto his face.  Even in his sleep he scowled. 

             
“You’ve done such a number on me Breaker James.  I came in here revved up to get a job done and mind my own business.  But instead you’ve caught me in your snare.  You couldn’t get rid of me if you tried.”

             
I turned over facing the window since my arm had fallen asleep.  His arm snaked around my waist and pulled me flush against him.  “Believe me baby, if someone’s gonna do the ridding, it’s gonna be you.”  His voice was so faint, I didn’t know if he was asleep or not. 

             
Either way, he was wrong.

             
The next morning, I woke early and decided to let him sleep.  He’d finally lost his frown and I took it as a sign that he was in a deep sleep.  I decided to crawl over him, since that was the quickest way to the door.  I threw one leg over his waist, holding my breath, staring at his closed lids, looking for the littlest stir.  I got one knee on the floor beside him and moved to pull the other one over when he clamped down on my hands.

             
“Good morning.” His gray eyes twinkled with mischief.

             
“Hi.  I have to register for the fall semester today.  And I’ve got to get some other things done.  But I will see you when I get back.  Right?”  My hips pulsed a twinge, something I’d never done but it sent a thrill through me.

             
He ran his hands through my tangled mass of hair, “Damn you light me up.  Go.  Do what you have to so we can continue this.  And if you do that thing with your hips again, I’m gonna lose it.  Keep that in mind.”

             
I brought that hand to my face and kissed his palm.  “I’ll be back soon.”  I jumped up to shower and get dressed before I changed my mind, because changing my mind at this point would be so easy. 

             
I toweled off, mentally making a list of things I needed to do.  I had to use the university computers to register.  And I could’ve used Breaker’s but I needed a little space.  And as soon as I registered, I was gonna go have lunch with my dad.  It had been too long since I saw him.  And I’d been hiding my little situation with Breaker from him on purpose.  But there was just so long I could hide things from my dad without the guilt seeping into my veins. 

             
I registered for a full course load.  I was the first one in the computer lab so I was in and out quickly.  I went to the coffee place but not before peeking in the windows to see if Ozark was there.  The coast was clear, so I stepped in and got my regular caramel frap.  The redhead behind the counter knew who I was but chose not to say anything. 

             
I parked outside my dad’s store and honked the horn.  He came out, a huge smile on his face.  My Dad was the opposite of me in almost every way.  The only things we had in common was our height.  We were almost the same height.  But his hair was so blonde, it was nearly white.  And his blue eyes were a stark contrast to my boring brown ones. 

             
“Hi, Pumpkin.  How are you?”  He was always in a good mood, always.  Even if he was having a disastrous day, his face read joy.  And that’s where I got my work ethic from.  I was taught to work, work hard, and clean like you were cleaning for a king. 

             
And to always stop and look at the glory.

             
“I’m good, Dad.  How are you?”

             
“Well, there’s something I need to talk to you about.  But I’m really doing great.  Let’s go eat.”

             
“Ok,” the last time my Dad had
news
it was to tell me that he couldn’t pay for my dorm room anymore. 

             
We went to a Hawaiian place and we both ordered our fave, the spicy chicken platter with white rice and macaroni salad. 

             
Halfway through the meal, he cleared his throat and wiped his chin.  “I’ve been seeing someone.”  I decided to lessen the blow for him.  It was obvious my dad was uncomfortable with telling me.

             
“So have I.”

             
He blew out a cleansing breath and then proceeded to tell me about Patty.  He’d been dating her for three weeks and he was completely smitten.  I could see it in his eyes.  I maintained my stern expression.  I loved to make the old man sweat a little bit.

             
“I’m sorry if you’re upset, Ashland.”

             
I couldn’t stand it anymore.  “I’m not mad, Dad.  It’s been nearly nine years.  I’m so happy for you, really.  I’ll have to meet her sometime.  Unless you’re afraid I’ll talk her ear off.”

             
“Oh Ashland, your ability to make conversation about anything kept your mother well, longer.”

             
We both knew that wasn’t true.  But I loved how he tried to make me feel better. 

             
“Tell me about this boy.”

             
And I did.  My dad had never been one to judge another person.  We’d learned long ago how people treated you when they made assumptions. 

             
He listened intently to the whole thing.  And I spared no details.