Annabella's Oblivion (Hard World Tour #1) (37 page)

I had nothing but memories left of him, and I knew him.

He would never have wanted me to live like I did all those months, with stupid drugs.

“
Each one of you is afraid of love, and as a result, you push the man who loves you away. Loving someone is a great risk, but at the same time, the biggest reward.” She gave a warm smile. “Someday, I hope you will see love as a strength and not a weakness.” She left for the kitchen, and I was left completely confused and alone once again.

Was that what I was doing?

Pushing the man I could love away?

I didn’t with Nate. He kind of bulldozed himself into my life, not leaving a chance for me to not have feelings for him.

But there was always Ryan, wasn’t there? I knew he loved me, he told me. I was so afraid to feel the emotions we had. I didn’t want complications. I didn’t need it, and I thought I didn’t need him.

Would life be different if back then I’d chosen him? I wouldn’t have been alone all those months.

But I learned a long time ago that it was stupid to dwell on what-ifs. The best way was to never make the same mistake twice.

Which meant I should give whatever it was with Nate a shot; not that he was letting me do otherwise, anyway.

First, though, I needed to fix a few things.

I stood up, grabbed my jacket from the hook by the door, and went outside.

The fresh, lightly chilly wind felt good on my skin, and the sun, although not warm, made this day seem beautiful. People were working, horses were running, and nature was slowly adapting to spring. There was green grass and some flowers. I couldn’t wait to see how it all looked during summer, and somehow I had confidence that I would see it.

I walked by the place Sam was sitting. She had headphones in her ears and looked straight ahead toward the great view of the horizon. She didn’t even give me a glance, but that was okay. I knew her well enough to know how much she was willing to give and how much she wasn’t.

I sat next to her on the bench and sighed. The weather was amazing. I could hear the loud music out of her headphones clearly. It was some heavy metal shit she liked. I put my legs up and curled up on the bench. I grabbed her hand, which was next to me, and squeezed it. She tensed for a second, and I had a feeling she would pull it away, but then she squeezed it back and didn’t let go.

We didn’t say anything more, but I smiled anyway.

Because I knew we were fine.

She was my best friend.

And I was hers.

Drugs didn’t change that.

Pain didn’t change that.

I think nothing could have ever changed that.

The music stopped and she removed her headphones with her other hand and leaned her head back on the wall.

“
I’m sorry,” she said quietly.

“
Me too.”

“
I just didn’t know how to deal. I love Jane and Ariel, but it’s different.”

“
I know.” And I did know that. She was my person and I hers, as Cristina and Meredith would have said in
Grey’s Anatomy
.

“
I was hurt, and instead of thinking of how much you’re hurt, I focused on my pain. That was wrong and I’m sorry. I was just angry.”

“
I’m sorry for turning to drugs and not to you for help.” She nodded and then laughed, but it was stern and lacked her usual warmth in it.

“
I fucked up with Jane, huh?”

“
Do you have feelings for Jer?” She looked away and tensed slightly, and I thought she wouldn’t answer me or brush it off, but she did neither of those.

“
I do.” She said it so low that I had to come close to hear her properly. “I always have. I just…I never thought it was a good idea and, well, other guys were easier to deal with.” She raised her legs, too, put one elbow on her knees, and then rested her head on her hand. “We started having sex almost a year ago. I even came up with the non-exclusive thing so he wouldn’t get any ideas.” I frowned because any idiot could see how much the guy was in love with her. Her sleeping with someone else must have hurt him immensely. She must have noticed my reaction because she continued, “I didn’t sleep with anyone but him. I couldn’t. I didn’t even try. I want no one but him. How fucked up is this, huh?”

“
Are you holding back because of Jane?”

“
Yes. No.” She gave a frustrated sigh. “I love her like a sister, and I know she’s in love with him. I stayed away from him, but at some point, it became unbearable. I hate that I bring her pain, but at the same time, it wasn’t like he led her on. And then I’m not sure I should be having any permanent relationships with anyone. Love is complicated.”

Boy, did I know what she was talking about.

Marie was right.

We all ran away from love.

“
She has a husband,” I couldn’t help but point that out. “I don’t know Drake outside from our sessions, but he seems like a great guy.” She smirked.

“
Did you see how he went all caveman and shit on her ass? That was hot.” I nodded, because I completely agreed with her.

“
The dude himself is hot.” We looked up to see that Ariel had come to us and sat down next to me. She grabbed my free hand and mimicked our position. “I went to look for you guys and then saw you through the window.” I squeezed her hand and knew we were missing only one final link to us, but she probably needed more time to deal with all the shit—

“
Hey, don’t talk about my husband like that.” Jane joined us on the bench and sat next to Sam, grabbing her hand. I had no idea how she arrived so out of the blue that we didn’t even notice, but I was glad.

“
Well, we gotta admit what we saw,” Ariel argued.

“
No you don’t. I don’t comment on how hot Nate is.”

“
Oh yeah, hot too,” Sam agreed.

“
Well, girls, you can all look but not touch.” I felt generous in our newfound friendship. “No staring at the ass, though. I may feel a little territorial,” I warned them, and Ariel pouted.

“
Come on, girl, don’t be greedy here.”

“
Nope.”

“
Fine. Well, that doesn’t leave me many options. Jeremy’s ass it is then, although I have to say, thinking about him in that way is gross.” Ariel was bringing up the sore subject, and I had no idea what Jane’s reaction would be, but she burst out a laugh.

“
Yeah, he is like a brother, isn’t he? Guess you need to leave it to Sam then, and find your own guy, babe.” I saw her squeeze Sam’s hand a little bit.

In a way, she was letting her know it was okay to be with him.

“
Bitch, didn’t you hear? I had a threesome last week.” Ariel said smugly.

“
Seriously, how did that happen?” It was interesting to know what they had been up to all this time.

She rolled her eyes and removed a lock of hair from her face.

“
I just met these two guys and my heel broke. They were a gay couple and offered to let me change in their hotel room. Some stupid paparazzi noticed us and made a big deal out of it. I mean, I love sex, but threesomes, sex clubs, or orgies aren’t exactly my thing.”

“
And here I thought you would give us some dirty details.” Ariel pushed slightly to my side with her elbow and I laughed.

“
Jane, you are the one who needs to give us dirty details, all those years judging us for sex when you had such a hunk.”

“
I’m not one to kiss and tell.” Jane said, raising her chin up.

“
Good, because I wasn’t asking about kissing,” Ariel replied, and there was a good-natured laughter again among us.

It felt good.

To be back here, with them. To know that the place you had was still there, and you were still part of your family.

Because that’s what we were to each other.

Family.

“
Nicky is dead,” I suddenly said, and that surprised me. I didn’t expect to talk about it, not yet.

“
Yeah,” the girls all said at once, and we sat there quietly for the next hour in silence, enjoying the feeling.

Our friendship was strong enough to withstand anything after all.

How could I ever have doubted it wouldn’t?

“
Hey, I’m sorry I’m late. The traffic was insane.” I ran to Nick, hugged him, and then sat down opposite him.

He’d wanted to have lunch with me for almost a week now, but since we were practicing for the charity concert we were having in New York, it was hard for us to find a suitable time. He told me it was urgent and important, and for the life of me, I couldn’t understand what it was.

“
It’s okay, baby girl. I had enough time to study the menu without pissing you off.” I rolled my eyes but laughed anyway.

Nick had the tendency to freaking wait forever to order because he studied the menu all the time. He preferred to always try something new, while I was more conservative with my tastes. I liked a Caesar salad or pasta, so I ordered that. I didn’t need exceptional varieties to make myself happy.

“
Great, then are you ready to order?”

He nodded. “You?”

“
I’m always ready.”

He raised his brow. “What’s it going to be today?”

“
I think I’ll have pasta. Jeremy runs us so hard for this show that I can indulge.” Not that I followed a diet anyway, but still watched my weight. It wasn’t about the looks, more about the health. I had to perform on stage, dancing and running around. I couldn’t exactly do that if I was dying from cramps or wasn’t fit enough.

The waitress came over and he ordered a well-done steak with vegetables and potatoes for him and pasta for me. Once it was done, he brought his attention to me and I raised my brow.

“
So? What’s going on? You wanted to meet urgently, and you know I’m curious.” He was silent for a moment, and then raised his beautiful, slightly troubled eyes to mine, as though he was afraid of my reaction.

“
I’m going to propose to Megan this weekend.” I waited for him to continue, but he was silent.

“
That’s it?”

He leaned back in his chair, taken aback by my reaction. “You need more?”

“
Nick, you said it was serious. I was worried sick thinking something bad has happened.”

“
Well, it’s a serious matter to me.”

“
I know, but it’s not like I didn’t expect that. You guys have been together for what? Almost ten years now. If you didn’t propose, I would have asked you if you ever planned to make an honest woman out of her.”

“
I didn’t expect that reaction.”

I cocked my head to the side and looked at him curiously. “What did you expect exactly?”

He cleared his throat, looking uncomfortable. “I thought maybe you would be sad or something like that.” Now that made me frown.

“
Why would I?”

He shrugged. “I don’t know. For a long time it was just me and you against the world. I wanted to tell you in the park, but then you asked that question if we would always be together, so I decided not to raise the issue.”

I took his hand in my hands and squeezed it. “Nick, I love you, and I’m happy for you. I love Megan, too. She’s part of the family, anyway. Why wouldn’t I be happy about you finding your happily ever after?”

He gave me a warm smile. “Then everything is good?”

“
Yeah.” I looked behind him and noticed the waitress was bringing our order and clapped my hands excitedly. “Finally, the food is here. I’m starving.” He chuckled and we ate our lunch, reminiscing about the good times from the past and discussing our future plans.