Annie's Truth (Touch of Grace) (7 page)

“I have some, Mamm.” She only had what had she earned by selling baked goods at the mud sales they had in town every year. Furniture, crafts, quilts, and livestock were all sold at the spring event. Annie had done well selling a variety of berry breads.

“Not enough. Take it.” Mamm shoved the flour-covered bills into Annie’s hand. “It’s my money to use as I see fit.” She quickly put the container away.

“I’ll repay you…somehow.” She stared at the green paper bills in her hand and felt guilt wash over her. Although she’d thought about the basics she would need to go into the city, she had only considered the emotional cost, not the monetary cost.

“You’ll repay me by returning home once this is over.” Mamm’s voice was level and cold. She was forcing herself to do this for Annie out of necessity, nothing more. But she was helping just the same.

“I know this is difficult, but I’m so grateful you understand enough to help me.” Annie stared at her mamm until she finally stopped wiping down the counter and looked back at her.

“It’s not just your family you need to worry about. Minister Zeke and the other ministers will be asking questions. You will have to answer to them if you come back.” She pressed her lips together and turned to finish her task.

Annie sighed with frustration. No one seemed to believe it would be a short visit, just long enough to get some information. She decided to stop trying; they would just have to see to believe. “Danke, Mamm. And I will repay you.”

In just the way Mamm requested—by coming home.

 
Chapter Six
 

D
URING THE NEXT
few days Annie became quietly preoccupied with her plans. She knew not to share her thoughts with anyone, but her unusual pensiveness attracted the attention of her sister.

Hanna and Annie followed behind their family on their way to Sunday singing. Hanna glanced up at Annie then back at the dirt road. She kicked a rock, which rolled up next to Samuel, who began a kick-the-stone game with Augustus.

“Are you really going to leave?” Hanna kept her eyes averted.

“I have to, Hanna.” Annie didn’t look at her, just kept walking. The only sound was the crunch of pebbles beneath their feet.

“What does Daed say?”

“He won’t talk with me about it, but Mamm has made arrangements for me to go.”

“Where will you stay, and for how long?”

“With a family who lives in Harrisonburg. I’ll stay as long as they’ll have me.”

“Is that where they think you’ll find her?”

“That’s where the Glicks think it would be best to start.”

“The Glicks? That’s Amish.”

“That’s the family I’ll be staying with. They left the community when we were young. They were excommunicated.”

“Why?”

“Mamm didn’t say.”

“But she’s letting you stay with them?”

Annie stopped and looked at Hanna. “I’ll probably be outcast by my family when I leave, so we belong together, jah?” Annie couldn’t help but let the bitterness seep out. Her loved ones had drawn a line, and she was crossing it.

“You’re willing to let that happen? Is this so important that you’re willing to cause this grief to all who care about you?”

Annie paused and looked out over the valley floor and mountaintops. She took in the fresh air and closed her eyes as she answered. “There is a starved place in me, one that can only be filled by finding the truth. I know no one understands that, but no one was discarded by their mamm as a child either.”

“There could be lots of reasons why you were abandoned. But it doesn’t matter.” Hanna waved her hand as if it could be so easily forgotten.

“It does to me. I need to find out.” Annie walked quickly to catch up to the rest of her family. Hanna wouldn’t talk of this within her daed’s range of hearing. But Hanna didn’t follow her. Annie glanced over her shoulder to watch her. Hanna kept her distance as she looked out over the endless acres of hibernating fields still scattered and tangled by the storm. Annie followed her gaze and then realized this was the north field, the very one where she was found as a newborn.

What must it have been like that night? My daed on a mission to protect his animals and ending up saving me. When he showed me to Mamm, did she want me? Did he? Would they have admitted not wanting to keep a strange child?

The sound of a rock hitting a tree with a
thunk
brought Annie back. Appreciative of the distraction, she watched her brothers attempt to hit a far-off tree.

Annie followed her family into the home of Jake Umble. Each family took its turn to host a singing, even though most didn’t have the room for the hundred or so that attended. There were two churches that met in different homes every other Sunday.

She followed her siblings as they all sat together on a row of benches. Her mamm sat at the far end, and Daed sat at the other end. Annie usually sat in the middle to help keep the young ones from acting up, but today of all days she sat next to Daed. Lost in her thoughts, she hadn’t paid attention to where they were seated, but the moment she sat down she felt incredible discomfort. He had made it clear he didn’t want her to go, and there would be no forgiveness if she did. Now, sitting next to him, she sat ramrod straight and kept her eyes forward. Annie wondered whether he felt the same tension or only resentment toward her.

The oldest man in the congregation carried the
Ausbund
, a hymnal published in German with nine hundred pages of songs, in a satchel-like box. He silently went to the front of the room and took out the thick book. Slivers of yarn protruded from the old book, which was marked after last week’s singing so as to be prepared for today’s choices. As Annie reached beside her for her hymnal book, her hand brushed Daed’s. He stilled, frozen for only a moment, then continued to open his book to the required song.

Annie’s fragile emotions captured her, and her eyes begin to water. She took deep breaths until the tears dried and she was able to sing, forcing out the notes until the song was finally over. Usually one to enjoy singing, she blocked her thoughts and turned so as not to catch a glance from her daed.

The next
Vorsanger
hymn leader stepped up and began the new song, which was always the “
Loblied
,” a hymn of praise. Annie had never felt so void of passion for these dear songs that expressed their faith. The leader belted out the song with a small smile, but Annie felt nothing—no joy in her heart or lifting of her spirit, just words and music that held no meaning.

Because they played no instruments, each person’s voice could be heard much easier than when drowned out with music. Her daed’s baritone voice filled her ears and tugged on her heartstrings.

A third leader stepped up to sing. He sang the first word and waited for the congregation to join in with him. These men would be the ones considered for the lot when a minister was to be selected. Annie had always thought this man before her would fit the role well but now felt plagued that she didn’t consider them all equal, as was expected. She grabbed hold of the seat in front of her as her knees trembled. She continued to analyze every detail, tune, and person around her. The room faded, and her breathing became labored. She tried to hold on to her senses until the ministers came out from their pre-service council meeting. Then she could sit and catch her breath. When they finished the song and no one appeared, Annie groaned. Her daed stiffened but did not look over at her. Annie waited, hoping not to hear another song announced, and she’d have to stand again.

“Page 492, stanza 25,” the leader called out. A
swish
of pages filled the room.

“Beulah Land,” a favorite of most her age, began. It was sung at a faster pace and kept her thoughts off her overstimulated mind.

Finally the ministers came forth to begin the sermon. When it was over, Annie had never been so glad to leave. Her anxiety lessened once she stepped out of the house and into the sunshine. She took in a breath of the crisp air and felt more like herself again.

After worship service Amos and the boys went to tending the animals, while the girls helped Mamm with the cooking. Although most meals were eaten in silence, this one was painfully so.

Annie went up to finish packing. She’d started days ago to prepare herself, as the time was drawing close. Hanna stood in the doorway and watched. She met her gaze but continued packing. Neither of them spoke. Hanna opened Annie’s drawer and placed some heavy black hose in Annie’s suitcase. She stared at her for a moment and then returned to her packing, with Hanna assisting by her side.

As Annie watched her sister struggle to close the full suitcase, she tried to understand that Hanna must feel abandoned, much like she did, but the trepidation Annie felt was something none of them could comprehend. They lived a sheltered life, away from where she was going, but she didn’t expect them to empathize with or condone her actions. Annie was going against everything she had learned up to this point in her life—to be satisfied living in the community. Once she left, would she be marked forever?

Annie stepped down to the bottom of the stairs to see all of her siblings lined up at the door. As she looked at each one of them, she began to falter. It had seemed so obvious only moments ago, but now looking into their eyes she questioned herself. She sucked in a breath and took the first step onto the squeaky wooden floor and smiled as she walked toward them. She went from Eli, the tallest, to Samuel, the shortest, and then up and down the rest of the way down the line until she reached her mamm.

“Where’s Daed?” Annie looked around the room, hoping against hope he’d see her off.

Mamm stroked Annie’s hair. “He won’t be coming, Annie. I’m sorry.”

Annie nodded once. “I guess I shouldn’t even ask about Mammi and Dawdi.”

Hanna looked away, as did Eli. Augustus twined his fingers together in front of him, and Frieda gazed at her with an apologetic smile. Samuel and Thomas were oblivious, for which she was grateful. No need for them to know how harsh their daed was.

Annie reached for her suitcase, but not as quickly as Eli did. Annie squeezed Hanna’s hand as she walked by her. When she stepped outside, Eli stopped and dropped the suitcase. “Morning, John.” He looked at Annie. “I’ll bring the buggy around.” Eli pecked her on the cheek and walked into the house.

She quickly turned to John. He stood at the bottom of the stairs with one boot on the last step. His face was expressionless. “I see why you’ve been avoiding me.”

Annie wanted to look away, but her eyes wouldn’t move. Right at that moment she wondered how she could leave him, how she could have stayed away from him these past couple of days. She’d done well to evade talking with him about her plans for a while, but it had become more difficult toward the end.

“I knew if I was around you I wouldn’t go.”

He took the four stairs to the top and stood only inches away from her. “So you
do
care about me.”

She scoffed. “Of course I do.”

He grabbed her by the arms. “Then don’t do this.”

Surprised by his force, she stared into his fiery eyes. “I have to, John.”

He let go of her and looked away. “You won’t come back.”

Annie’s emotions jolted. She was so far from that thought; she didn’t know how to respond. “Jah, I will.”

He shook his head. “You’ll see the idols of the outside world, and you won’t return.”

John’s eyes misted, making a lump form in Annie’s throat. Maybe she was wrong; this wasn’t necessary after all. She could just stay here, where it was safe. She’d lived eighteen years without knowing. Why did she need to know now?

Looking into his eyes, she could make it all go away, all the questions and the raging battle in her heart. She knew it wouldn’t last, though, that she’d be miserable if she didn’t go. But she would come back. That too she knew was true.

“I will come back, John.” She reached up to touch his face, feeling the stubble from his whiskers against her fingers. This was a familiar and safe place, next to him, one that she would remember when she was gone. “I promise.”