Annihilate Me (Vol. 4) (The Annihilate Me Series) (24 page)

I
refused to become emotional.
 
If I
did, I knew he’d pull away from this in an instant.
 
“Alex, what choice do we have?
 
The idea always has been to draw the rat
to us.
 
Refusing to give them what
they want is the best way to do that.”

“And
the most dangerous way.”

“It
is what it is.”

“I
can’t lose you over this.”

“And
I can’t keep living like this.
 
Do
you hear me?
 
I can’t.
 
We need to fight them.
 
We need to challenge them.
 
We need to take them down, and then move
on with our lives.”

“Anything
could go wrong, Jennifer.”

“I
understand that, but I’ll say it again.
 
I can’t keep living like this.
 
I want my life back.
 
We need
to at least try to shut them down.”

He
took a breath and turned to Tank.
 
“What do you think?”

“I
know this is hard for you, Alex—”

“It’s
hard for Jennifer.
 
It’s unfair to
Jennifer.”

“It’s
hard for both of you, but Jennifer is right.
 
If we cancel anything, they’ll slink
away and we’ll be less likely to catch them.”

“Then
I guess if we’re extremely lucky, we’ll find out who it is tomorrow night,”
Alex said.
 
“Or we won’t.
 
Sorry to be the cynic in the room, but I
think we won’t.
 
And if we don’t,
where are we then, Tank?”

Tank
looked at him, but this time, he didn’t have an answer.

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

On
the day of Henri’s party, I woke with a sense of dread.
 
And I didn’t know why.
 
I didn’t consider myself superstitious,
but in my gut, I felt that somehow tonight was going to go very wrong.
 

It
was a feeling I hadn’t had before, but I felt it now.
 
Was it just nerves?
 
Was I just projecting?
 
Was I at a breaking point given all that
we’d been through?
 
Or was it
something deeper?
 
I didn’t
know.
 
What I did know is that I was
weary at this point, and that more than anything, I wanted it over with.

But
at what cost?

That
was the question.
 
At what cost?
 
Tonight, we’d once again go out into
public and put our lives on the line.
 
Did we have a choice?
 
On one
level, I suppose we did.
 
We could
choose to live on that island for the rest of our lives, and no one would touch
us there.
 
But what kind of life was
that?
 
It wasn’t a life.
 
So, no, we didn’t have a choice.
 
We had to go through with this.
 
We needed to trust in Tank and in Henri,
and go through with whatever was going to happen at the party.
 
If
anything happened.

I
looked over at Alex, who was still asleep, and slipped out of bed without
waking him.
 
I went into the
kitchen, made a pot of coffee, and sat at the kitchen island drinking my share
of it for a good hour before I heard my name being called from Alex’s bedroom.

“Jennifer?”

“I’m
in the kitchen,” I called in a light voice that belied my feelings.
 
“Come and have some coffee.
 
I’ll make a fresh pot.”

“A
fresh pot?”
 
I heard the rustle of
sheets and then his feet hitting the floor.
 
“How long have you been up?”

I
didn’t reply.
 
I emptied the pot,
rinsed it, filled it with water, and started to brew him a new pot.

He
came into the living room and then into the kitchen.
 

“How
long?” he asked.

“I
don’t know.
 
Not long.
 
Maybe an hour?”

“That’s
unlike you.”

I
didn’t respond.

He
came up behind me, wrapped his arms around my waist, and then kissed me on the
back of my neck.
 
His arms were
warm, strong, and secure—they were just what I needed.
 
“You’re tense,” he said.

“I’ll
be fine.”

“You’re
worried about tonight?”

I
wasn’t about to lie to him.
 
“I am.
 
But we need to do what we need to do,
and we’ll see what happens.
 
Hopefully tonight that fucking rat will be there and we’ll snap its head
off in our trap.”

He
turned me so that I was facing him.
 
“I hear it in your voice.
 
You’re not alone.
 
I’m also
concerned.”

“And
angry.”

“And
angry.”

“I’m
not going to make a big deal of this,” I said.
 
“It’s another night.
 
Another party.
 
Tank knows what he’s doing.
 
Whatever happens, happens.
 
Essentially, tonight will be like
Peachy’s last party, only held at Henri’s penthouse.
 
We go through the motions, and pray for
the best.
 
Maybe this time, we’ll
nail the bastard.
 
If not?
 
I don’t know.”

“What
don’t you know?”

“I
don’t know what we’ll do.”

He
hesitated for a moment, and then his face became grim.
 
“Look,” he said.
 
“Maybe it’s time we think about this.”

I
shook my head at him.
 
“Think about
what?”

“If
after tonight, you feel that you need to leave, I’ll understand.”

What
was he saying?
 

His
mouth became a grim line.
 

Was
he breaking up with me?

“I
want you to be safe,” he said.
 
“Obviously, you’re not safe with me.
 
I’m toxic.
 
If we have to let this go—all that
we’ve built between us—then it’s because we need to save your life.
 
It will kill me to see you go, but I’ll
be damned if something else happens to you because of your association with
me.
 
I won’t let that happen.
 
I heard you yesterday.
 
I know you’re willing to put your life
at risk again, but I’m not.
 
I’m
sorry, Jennifer, but I’m not.
 
Please believe me when I say that you will be set for life should we
part.
 
I’ll make certain of
that.
 
OK?
 
Why are you crying?
 
Please don’t cry.
 
Oh, Jesus, Jennifer—I didn’t mean
to make you cry.”

But
I couldn’t help it.
 
I buried my
face in his chest, and all of the stress from all of these past months came out
of me in an unexpected rush of tears.
 
He was letting me go.
 
He was
releasing me to protect me.
 
He was
saying that he could live his life without me, which I knew I couldn’t do
without him.
 
I never wanted to be
without him.
 
I
would
die for
him.
 
Those were the last words I
wanted to hear.
 

“Jennifer,”
he said.

“Is
this what you want?”

“It
isn’t what I want.
 
But it might be
what’s smart.
 
It might be what
keeps you alive.
 
You deserve more
than this.”

I
wiped my eyes and pressed away from him.
 
I deserve you.
 
We deserve
to win this.
 
How can you give up on
us now?
 
Especially after everything
we’ve been through?
 
“Have your
coffee,” I said.
 
“Let me wrap my
head around this.
 
I need to be
alone for awhile.”

“Why?”

“Because
I can’t imagine my life without you,” I said.
 
“And while I know that you’re trying to
protect me, I never imagined that we’d come to this point.
 
That this might be the end of us.
 
It makes me sick to even think about
that because I’ve never considered it.
 
I only thought about fighting back.
 
Yes, I’m tired, Alex.
 
Who
wouldn’t be?
 
But I’ll never stop
fighting for you.
 
I wouldn’t let go
of you so easily.”

“This
isn’t easy for me.
 
I’m not letting
go.”

“Of
course you’re not.
 
And I get
it.
 
You mean it out of kindness and
because you love me.
 
You don’t want
anything to happen to me.
 
But for
me?
 
Until a moment ago, I planned
on staying in this relationship until the very end, regardless of what that end
meant.
 
Now, you’ve given me an
option I didn’t see coming.
 
It’s
something I never wanted.”
 

“Jennifer—”

I
put my hand on his chest and tried to collect myself.
 
“I’m sorry,” I said.
 
“I didn’t mean to cry.
 
I’m just emotional, worried, and sick
about tonight.
 
I don’t want to lose
you, but now I know that I might have to because you think it’s the right thing
to do.
 
It’s already in your
head.
 
You’ve thought about
this.
 
That’s hard for me.
 
I don’t see myself without you, but now
I know that you can see yourself without me even if it will kill you.
 
Because of that, I’m faced with the
prospect of losing you.”

I
moved away from him.
 
“Have some
coffee.
 
Let me take a shower.
 
Let me get a grip.
 
And then we’ll take the day as it
comes.”

CHAPTER NINETEEN

Later,
when we arrived on Blackwell’s floor after a short ride from Alex’s apartment,
I kissed him on the cheek and said, “I’ll see you later tonight.”
 
And before he could say anything more to
me, I walked away from him because I was frightened of what he might say.

When
I entered Blackwell’s office, I was on the verge of tears again.
 
She looked up at me, saw the state I was
in, and immediately got out of her chair and closed her office door behind me
for privacy.

“Sit
down,” she said.

“I’m
sorry.”

“Don’t
be sorry.”

“I’m
embarrassed.”

She
knelt beside me when I sat in the chair opposite her desk.
 
“What happened?
 
Why are you upset?
 
Have you heard something?”

“It’s
not what you think.”

“What
is it?
 
I’ve never seen you like
this.”

I
looked at her and shook my head.
 
“I
think I’ve hit the proverbial wall, Barbara.
 
I think it all just became way too
much.”

“Well,
why the hell wouldn’t it?” she said.
 
“Look what you two have been through.
 
I’m surprised it hasn’t happened
sooner.
 
What can I do to help you?”

“Maybe
just listen?”

“You
know I will.
 
What’s wrong?”

“This
morning, Alex suggested that we should break things off.
 
I know he only wants me to be safe, and
I love him for that, but I can’t imagine doing that.
 
I can’t imagine that he’d want
that.
 
But he’s ready to go
there.
 
I understand why.
 
I know where he’s coming from.
 
But I’m so upset, I can’t tell you.
 
I can’t be without him.
 
I don’t want to be without him.
 
He’s the first man I’ve ever loved.”

“Oh,
my dear,” she said.

“Who
is doing this to us?”

“We
don’t know.”