ANOTHER KIND OF DIAMOND (53 page)

What he did to you was unspeakable. It was horrible to say the list, Gary bellowed.

Do you think I realized how bad it was then? She reacted with a hint of anger

I don’t know!

If you must know, I was only eleven years old okay?

But you were bleeding and in pain, probably lots of pain. That could have told you something wasn’t right, Gary continued.

The bleeding stopped and he gave me something for the pain.

Ok! Did you ever talk to your mom about it? Gary continued.

Never! I didn’t trust her that much and I didn’t know what she was gonna do to me, understand?

About how old was this guy Norman when all these were happening?

I don’t know and I don’t care.

Wow! What happened next?

He told me not to talk to my mom or anyone else about what happened ‘cause my mom could get mad and harm me and I believed him. The next day was a Saturday so I didn’t have to go to school but by Monday I was feeling much better so I went. Even then I was still scared ‘cause I thought someone might notice something different about me and start talking since there were a lot of loud mouthed kids at school and my teacher too who always talked about everything one did wrong. But it was only one time a girl called Ashley said something to me. She was like, hey Nicole! You are kind of cool today, what’s up with you? And I quickly walked away from her. Apart from that, the day was like any other normal school day except that I couldn’t focus in my class work. When Norman came to get me after school, he was really nice and on our way home he stopped at our favorite store and got me some Vanilla Ice Cream and a couple of handmade chocolates that I used to like a lot. When we got home, he came to me again and started touching me all over and kissing me in the mouth but he didn’t do it. Funny as it may seem, my feelings for him didn’t really change, if anything I began to like him in a different way. I felt there is a secret both of us shared which gave me some power and control over him and I determined to keep that intact. And then whenever he is not around me I’ll be imagining all sorts of things. For instance, I used to wonder whether he did the same thing he did to me with my mom or with some other girls he brought home when mom will be gone. And I said to myself that if I find out he does it to my mom or the other girls, I’m gonna hate both of them for it.

A knock at the door and nurse Jaclyn came in to interrupt a second time. Officer is time for her meds again, so you need excuse us for a short while. The men left while the nurse did what she had to do before they returned.

How are you feeling Miss Diamond? Gary asked.

I don’t know! I just wanna get stuff off my chest, that’s all I can tell you.

So you want to continue with the interview?

Yeah! I’ve lived with this mess all my life that I even consider what we are doing right now the chance to state my own side of the story ‘cause I know how people are hasty to pass judgment over others but themselves.

Fair enough! You may continue when you are ready! Gary said.

Okay! I was thinking about it while you guys went out and I now remember that in my mother’s room, there was this large closet which could take any grown man. So I decided I was gonna hide in there one day and see what went on between this guy and my mother when they are by themselves, understand? Meanwhile, at every opportunity, I would hide at any corner I could find just to listen or see what went on between both. I wanted to hear what they say, to see what they do, I wanted to understand and I wanted to know every damn thing that happen when they are together. Oh yes, every single bit of it! But they always locked the door when inside and because of that I never saw anything. I do hear their arguments a lot but that was it. I was so riveted with all these things that I hardly did anything with my peers and friends anymore.

Before the whole thing started I was doing so well in school. I made a lot of As and a few Bs but never a C. With my new life in Norman my grades started dropping but I couldn’t care less. My mom wasn’t even around to notice, so it made no difference at all. The only person that would have noticed was Norman, but if he did, he said nothing and did nothing about it since all he cared about then was for my body and how to use it. And as long as he was getting what he wanted, nothing else mattered.

At a point it occurred to me that my mom took Norman’s attention from me because whenever she was home, he would pay me little attention and would rather be in the room with her all day long and I’ll be in my room imagining all sorts of things and thinking of how to get at her. There was a time I wished my mom would go somewhere far away and never come back so I can have Norman all by myself. And the older I got the worse things got for me until I went into some sort of depressive moods, lost appetite and interest in everything. I would easily get in trouble with other students in school ‘cause of wrong signals I would be sending out there and would be getting back. My teacher started noticing how I was turning out and started complaining but as you can imagine she was complaining to none but deaf ears. Tell me! Who would listen to her? Me? Was it Norman or my mom? Who? Nobody! ‘Cause we were all very busily engaged in different ways.

Then came one day, my mom was alone in bed and I watched her until she fell asleep, so I sneaked into their room. And knowing that Norman was gonna come home any time soon, I hid myself inside the closet, made up a small opening so I could see everything in the room and waited.

I must have been in there for who knows how long when I noticed the door opened and Norman walked in. I could tell by the way he was breathing and acting and by the reek of alcohol all over that he again had too much to drink. Then he was gonna come to the closet or something, ‘cause I saw him walking towards me but somehow he changed his mind for whatever reason and backed off. All of a sudden, he walked to the dresser, stood there looking at it for a while before his hand went to his pocket and out came a gun. I watched as he put it away in a drawer before he kind of yanked his clothes off his body and threw everything everywhere, then opened a can of beer and gulped like the damned horse. The whitish foam from the beer lined his bushy moustache as usual and then he threw himself on the bed like the sad idiot he was and started agitating my mom real bad calling her all sorts of names. “He was like wake up bitch!” “Are you gonna lay there and sleep away like the damned pig you are, eh?” Suddenly he changed and began acting like he is sober and started talking real nice to her and was touching her just like he used to touch me. Then my mom began to come around and began to touch him too and they were all over each other and I watched him doing with my mother the same thing he does with me and for whatever reason, the whole thing was so much upsetting to me that I barely managed to hold myself down in the closet.

After I watched everything that they did with each other, I swore I will never do it with him again ‘cause I just hated both of them. Is like my feelings for him came crashing down ‘cause I thought he betrayed me in some ways.

How old were you when this particular event happened?

About twelve!

So, you guys have been doing this thing for about a year before that day you saw him with your mom.

Yeah!

Please continue!

And what happened was that the next day, after my mother left for work and Norman was in the shower, I sneaked into their room ‘cause I wanted to get his gun. I found there were two guns in the drawer. I took out one and started looking it up but the shower stopped running, so I put the thing away and left the room quickly.

Later, after I’ve gone to bed, Norman came into my room and laid beside me but I refused to pay him attention yet he started touching me his usual way. I got mad and told him right in his face to leave me the hell alone but he wouldn’t burg. “Baby, what’s gotten into you tonight, eh?” I heard him utter. I still said nothing but laid there guarding my body with all the energy I could muster. Instead of leaving, since he knew I wasn’t gonna yield, he continued touching me all over until I could take it no more and tried to get away from him, he wouldn’t let me go but kind of pinned me to the bed and forced himself on me. I was trying to yell but he covered my mouth with one of his hands and forced even more and continued to force until he found a way and did what he wanted to do.

You are talking rape here. Do you understand that?

I had no clue what it was then!

And you still didn’t call the cops on him?

No! What happened was that after, I kind of hated myself so much because of my helplessness. I was thinking I could have done something to hurt him but I didn’t know how! I remembered his nasty Moustache that tickles me sometimes and I thought I could have pulled so hard on that to make him bleed, but again I knew my power was no match to his. So I started crying in agonizing sort of way and it was for a very long time. Anyways he wasn’t even hearing me ‘cause he was already snoring away like the lazy drunk he was. I thought of the gun in the closet and was gonna go get it and shot him right then but I just couldn’t find the courage. I mean he could wake up, see me with the gun, take it from me and shot me instead since there were just the two of us in the house. So, I laid back and cried till he woke up and without saying anything to me he left the room and banged the door so loud like he was mad or something. And I was still lying there, crying and I remembered thinking, what is he mad for? Who is supposed to get mad, he or me? So many things were going through my mind that I thought my head will burst. At a point I even considered killing myself but is just that I couldn’t figure how to do it without pain. Somehow, after a long while, I managed to get over my feelings but one thing triumphed that night and that was my hatred for Norman.

Yet you didn’t tell your mom and you didn’t dial 911!

I didn’t! They could hurt me if I called the cops. Besides what would mom do about it anyways, nothing! She may even decide to start digging and find out I’ve been sleeping with the guy behind her back and I wasn’t just ready for the consequences so I chose to keep the whole thing to myself. You must understand there wasn’t much bond between me and my mom because of Norman’s influence and I never tried to confide personal matters to her like every other girl ‘cause she just didn’t show enough interest.

And Norman, did he stop messing with you after this incident. I mean, at list he now knows for sure you didn’t want him anymore!

Never! He continued to force himself on me ‘cause that was the only way he was getting what he wanted. And each time he did that, I would cry after wards and he would go away without saying a word to me and we continued to leave that way until I just couldn’t do it anymore. In my quests on how best to deal with him decisively I found out he was also sleeping on the couch in the living room with those girls he brings home when mom goes to work. Worse still, sometimes when the girls had left, he would still come and force himself upon me any time he wanted and there was nothing I could do about it. I would just lay there while he did whatever he wanted and cry after wards until I became immune to the whole thing and stopped crying. So he would force his way, get over with it and get out. But I continued to plot in my mind on how to deal with him and each time I thought about it, I always figured that the best way out would be to kill him.

And one day an idea occurred to me so suddenly. It was like that chance I was searching for all this time has always been with me so I went to bed early like I started doing. Latter I heard the main door to the house opened and I knew he was leaving to go get him some girl. As soon as he left, I went into my mom’s room in search of his gun and found that only one was left in the drawer, so I took it to my room and hide it. Not long afterwards, I had him come in and then I started hearing his now familiar talks with the girls and I knew immediately he got himself a girl. Shortly after they did whatever she came for, I heard Norman snoring as usual, the door opened and slammed again, so I knew the girl had left and I continued to lie on my bed pretending I was asleep.

Like some hours had passed when Norman worked in but I pretended I was fast asleep. In his usual fashion, he tried waking me and I played along. After I got up, I went sat close to him but he wasn’t even sensitive enough to realize that. Meanwhile, pong of alcohol pervaded my room as always and by him sitting real close to me, I could hardly breathe, yet I held on. Pretending now that everything was cool I started talking nicely to him in a manner of someone who is struggling to keep awake. And I said to him, you know I always wanna be with you so why are you kind of fussy these days? What happened? He was keeping quiet but continued touching me all over like crazy and breathing so heavily like some kind of monster. You could tell he was far gone out of his normal self and I thought that was gonna work in my favor to night. I took him by the hand and said follow me and he tagged behind like a sheep to the slaughter until we got to the couch in the living room and he dumped himself on it. Suddenly his mouth opened and he said, “Yeah!” “My baby is back!” “I thought I lost you for good!” And in my mind I was like; fool ‘cause that was the most disgusting thing I ever heard in my life but still acting kind of cool. I wanna use the rest room, I said and began leaving when I heard him again, “where are you are going,” he said and tried to grab me. That was when I realized how far he was gone. I went away and returned quickly but then I had the gun with me. I was hiding it behind my back with one hand and immediately slipped it under the couch. There were no lights on so he couldn’t see a damned thing. Anyways he was even too drunk to think right. Besides he wasn’t suspecting that I could even imagine any such thing as shooting him talk less doing it. Then he came on top of me like the greedy animal he was and with all that stink of alcohol he laid on me. All of a sudden, I fished for the gun, found it, took it out slowly and shot him. Yeah! I shot him twice! And the gun went paw! Paw! Nothing really loud at all like I know a gun would sound. And you know what; I didn’t even care about a thing in the world. Isabel took to another pause after this and Gary had to say something.