Another Love (35 page)

‘No?’ Annie cocked her head.

‘No. I thought you’d be a bit more…’

‘Come on!’ Annie prompted. ‘If I can speak my mind, so can you!’

‘I always imagined you to be the opposite of me – you know, one of those women who wears heels and lipstick, a bit racy.’

‘Racy!’ Annie laughed and choked a little on her strawberry. ‘That’s the funniest thing ever! I am so not racy!’

The two laughed, giving Romilly time to think of her first question.

‘Does… does she have a boyfriend?’

Annie straightened her back. ‘No. Friends who are boys, but not one special boy. I think she held a bit of a candle for a boy named Josh who was at a different school, but I don’t think anything came of it. And a boy called Ollie took her to Prom. He was lovely; polite and sweet, and nervous, looked like he’d borrowed his dad’s suit, but again, just friends, I think.’

‘What colour was her dress?’ Romilly had turned to face Annie on the bench now, fixated by the keeper of secrets she was desperate to learn.

‘Oh, let me think. It was pale blue and she had her hair twisted up in a loose chignon with a large diamante clip; she looked very
Downton
. I think I have a photo on my phone.’

Annie reached into her bag and slid through the shots on her screen, and there she was. This was quite different from the photos Romilly had seen on the mantelpiece at her parents’ house. It took her breath away. She stared at the snapshot of the gorgeous young woman, who looked relaxed and happy as she smiled into the camera. Nothing like the tense, awkward girl of their recent encounter.

‘Beautiful.’ She handed the phone back. ‘Does she have a drink when she goes out?’ she asked.

‘No.’ Annie shook her head.

‘I expect I put her off.’ She bit her lip.

‘Yes, that’s what she said. I think she’s tried it, but she doesn’t drink now. I think she’s a bit scared of it.’

‘I think I scared her. In fact I know I did, sometimes.’ She thought about the days when her little girl had shrunk away from her grasp or had hidden upstairs while she ranted or passed out.

‘Yes, she said that too.’

Romilly liked her honesty, no matter how hard it was to hear. ‘Does she… does she ever talk about me?’ She looked ahead at the road.

‘Sometimes. More so now you’re back in Bristol. It’s like she’s allowing herself to think you might be around. I think she was nervous to talk about you too much, allow herself to miss you, you know? Like she closed down just to get through it.’ Annie looked at her.

Romilly nodded. ‘I know how that feels.’ She paused. ‘I wish I could turn back the clock and do things differently.’

‘That’s the thing; even if we could turn back the clock, we’d probably do the same things, make the same mistakes.’ Annie held out the punnet and raised it for her to take one. ‘It’s only the future we can fix.’

Romilly found herself warming to Annie. She spoke a lot of sense, and she was kind.

‘If you don’t mind me saying…’ Annie spoke with her mouth full again, then swallowed her strawberry. ‘There’s no point looking back at what your life was. Just concentrate on what’s ahead, build again from the ground up.’

‘Yes, and things are getting easier for me. You know how it is, the harder I work, the luckier I get…’ Romilly gave a rueful smile as she reiterated David’s tag line.

‘Oh God! Yes, that!’ Annie chuckled at the reference. ‘Well, I must be due some luck, cos I’m bloody knackered!’

And the two women laughed. Like they had known each other for an age. Like they shared a history. Like friends.

When I met Alistair, I didn’t know what to tell him about Mum. I was nervous about explaining our family situation and how Annie fitted in and how I had only been in touch with my mum for a relatively short while and there was this big chunk of time missing in our relationship. I was embarrassed in case he thought her disease was hereditary. I worried he might judge me, think I was damaged and change his mind. But of course he didn’t.

I’m ashamed now, for having felt that way. Mum was sick. No one would choose to have her illness. It took me quite a while to realise that. Even after we’d met up a few times, I still didn’t really get it. Then I started writing down my memories in this notebook and that’s really helped. I feel a lot more settled about things. A lot more settled about everything.

The thing that made the most difference was rereading the letter Mum sent me when I was eighteen, especially the bit about her being two different people. It makes so much more sense now. And it’s so sad.

It’s as if there are two of me. The shy me, the nice me. Smiling and enjoying the good fortune of others, wanting to do good, wanting to love and be loved, wanting nothing more than to laugh and laugh some more; the woman who puts her family at the centre of everything. That woman is smart, interested and interesting. She wakes with a spring in her step and a lift to her heart, happy to have a place in the world, a woman who looks forward to the future.

And then there is the other me, the one who has another love, a love that can’t be broken. A destructive, all-consuming love that casts a long, dark shadow over all that is good. This other love is so strong that she will do anything, anything if it means they can slope off together and snatch some illicit moments of pure, pure joy.

My mother’s other love is alcohol. It’s been the most influential relationship of her life and it has clouded everything.

Things are a lot more normal between me and Mum now. We’ve had some good chats and I’ve told her all about Alistair. I’m going to introduce them to each other soon.

I had a real urge to see her yesterday. I phoned her and she was out on the Downs, going for a walk, so I drove over and met up with her. She was by the water tower. As soon as she saw my red car pull into the layby, she budged up on the bench. I plopped down next to her and tipped my head back, letting the sun kiss my skin.

I decided to plunge right in. ‘My therapist advised me to make notes,’ I told her. ‘To look back at the past and write down how I felt about things. I’ve been doing that for a long time now.’

‘That sounds like good advice,’ Mum said. ‘Has it helped?’

I was quite nervous by then. ‘Yes. And I just wanted to say something…’

Mum looked nervous too.

‘I think I blocked you out a lot, Mum, when we weren’t in contact. Almost as if I couldn’t let myself love you, not properly. It saved me from worrying about you and stopped me getting hurt, like a little snail hiding in its shell. But now I’m older, I realise that I’ve got these two amazing women in my life. Annie, who’s wonderful, steady, like a good mate. And then there’s you.’

Mum turned towards me, but it was as if she couldn’t quite bring herself to catch my eye. She stared at a ladybird on the bench instead.

‘And I just wanted to say that I will forever be thankful that you grew me, fed me and set me on my way.’

She looked like she was close to tears, and I was getting very gulpy myself, so I blurted out the rest of it a bit faster than I’d intended.

‘And the thing is, I love you. I love you very much, Mum. We are joined forever, aren’t we? You know, proper, forever love, because you’re my mum.’

And then Mum broke into the biggest smile. She looked me full in the face and gripped my hands and said, ‘Yes, my darling. Proper, forever love.’

Sylvia rocked baby Freya from side to side, cooing to her as she slept.

‘She’s such a doll! Is she a good baby?’ she asked Dr Miguel, who couldn’t take his eyes from his daughter’s face.

‘Oh yes, an absolute angel. And Carrie is a natural.’ He beamed across at his wife, who was trying to catch the peanuts being lobbed at her by her twin sister from across the kitchen. When she succeeded in catching one, Holly ran and jumped into Carrie’s arms and they did a victory lap around the table.

‘For goodness’ sake, you two!’ Pat tutted and adjusted her fascinator, which kept slipping forward onto her forehead.

Lionel strolled around the garden, happy to observe how his planting had taken hold over the years, liking the thought that this riot of colour was largely down to him.

Annie flitted from guest to guest, pouring refills of Buck’s Fizz and offering tea. It was testament to the Shepherd/Wells clan that they could all happily spend the morning crammed into the house in Stoke Bishop together. The atmosphere crackled with anticipation and celebration.

Upstairs, Celeste stared at her reflection in the full-length gilt mirror, smoothing imaginary creases from her bodice. Her dress was a simple sheath of raw grey silk and she looked gorgeous, like the princess she’d always imagined. All she was missing was something blue.

Romilly stood just behind her and could barely contain her emotion. ‘You look absolutely stunning, Celeste. So beautiful!’

‘Thanks, Mum.’ She smiled at the reflection. ‘You don’t look so bad yourself.’

Romilly beamed, pleased that the double crown that now filled the gap in her mouth had given her the confidence to smile properly once again. Her russet hair hung in shoulder-length layers that framed her face beautifully.

The bedroom door eased open and David cupped his hand over his mouth and chin. ‘Oh, love! Goodness me, you look so beautiful.’

‘Don’t! You’ll start me off!’ Celeste giggled as her dad pulled out a handkerchief and dabbed at his eyes.

‘I’ve got something for you and then you’ll be complete. Close your eyes.’ David nodded at Romilly, who smiled back.

Celeste did as she was instructed and held out her hand as her dad placed something in her palm. She closed her fingers over it.

The body of the mayfly was made up of tiny sapphires; the turquoise wings were fashioned from translucent slivers of shell set in filigree silver. It was delicate, beautiful.

‘What do you think, Rom? Reckon it matches her frock?’

Romilly smiled, too choked to comment on the perfect gesture.

‘Oh Dad! Mum!’ Celeste paused. ‘I love it! Thank you. I love you both, very much.’

‘And we you.’ David nodded emphatically. ‘Been a bit of a bumpy old ride, eh, Rom?’

She raised her eyebrows a little in acknowledgment. That it had. She touched her hand to her daughter’s veil.

‘I gave this to your mum on our wedding day.’ David said, as he pinned the brooch to the bodice of Celeste’s gown.

Celeste fingered the family heirloom, which perfectly complemented her wedding gown. The sunlight caught it, sending a beautiful iridescent sheen across the jewels.

‘There, now you are perfect.’ Romilly smiled.

‘Did you enjoy your wedding day?’ Celeste directed the question at both of them.

‘Enjoy it?’ David laughed. ‘It was one of the best days of my life. I had snared the wonderful Romilly Jane Shepherd and, just like Alistair, I felt like the luckiest man on the planet.’

Romilly beamed. ‘And I couldn’t believe that the beautiful David Arthur Wells wanted to marry someone like me.’

‘Oh, I did, Rom. I was happy.’

‘I was happy too.’

Celeste watched as he took her mum’s hand and squeezed it gently.

Annie poked her head into the bedroom. ‘Oh, my word! Celeste, you look incredible!’ Romilly handed her a tissue and she blew her nose. ‘I just came to say, cars will be here in ten minutes! Better start making our way downstairs.’

A fluttering movement near the open window drew their attention. All four looked up. They watched as a tiny mayfly spiralled up into the bright blue sky. Romilly pictured it floating high above the clouds, looking down on the world. She imagined the verdant patchwork of fields below, the hedgerows and flowers, and a large rectangular pond with the sun glinting off its surface, where a woman and her child dipped sticks into the murky green water and laughed and laughed. The mayfly hovered, beating its wings, seemingly enjoying the glory.

Celeste stared at her mum, who was transfixed.

Romilly’s face lit up at the sight. It didn’t matter that she had seen this little creature a thousand times before; every time was like the first for her. A slow tear trickled down her cheek. She cried because she found it so beautiful and because she knew what fate awaited it but was powerless to intervene.

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