Another Man's Baby (4 page)

The hot water scalded his skin but Eric wanted it hotter. He needed something to focus on in order not to focus on how he was hurting his wife. Not making love to her, protecting her from future unhappiness, was killing him. He didn’t know what to do. He’d thought of getting a vasectomy without telling her. Then when she found he couldn’t give her a baby, maybe she wouldn’t blame him. Maybe she wouldn’t even check it out. But Gabi was a nurse, she would know. Besides that, she was his wife and he’d have to tell her eventually, just like he’d have to tell her the reason he wasn’t making love to her.

Little did she know that the sting of the water as it seared his body was the only thing that had kept him sane this past month, the only way he’d found that would give him the needed strength to not touch Gabi. He’d tried cold water; it hadn’t worked.

Eric shivered under the hot spray, wondering that something so hot could produce a shiver. But it wasn’t the water; it was the thought of Gabi, of his lying next to her, smelling her, touching her soft brown skin when she was asleep, not giving in to the urge to have her, to make love to her, to taste her.

Damn.
His ill-conceived plan was killing him and making him ornery as hell. It was making him take out his frustrations on her as though it were her fault that he was not sheathed at this very moment in her warmth.

He shivered again and fell back against the wall of the shower, the hot tiles making him flinch, but he didn’t move away.

He could picture Gabi flinging things around the room. He didn’t have to imagine her pain. He’d hurt her. Sure, he knew why she was wearing that negligee. If she’d bothered to look down at his erection she would have known he’d had the intended reaction. He groaned, wondering how wearing a condom would go over with his wife.

***

There was no way in the world even a psychic could have convinced Gabi that two months after Eric returned home they would be fighting. She would have sworn that she would have given in on anything. He’d earned that much from her. She respected what he’d had to do, and she was the first one to have his back this entire time. But this was the one thing she hadn’t counted on, Eric treating her like crap. That would have never happened before
Iraq
. And to top it off, he had not even attempted to apologize.

When Eric pulled into his parents’ drive, Gabi was out the car in an instant and ringing the bell before Eric could even stop the engine.

She gave Ongela and Terry Jackson a hurried hug and went to plop in front of the television.

“Trouble in paradise?” she heard his mother ask a moment later and Eric growled. Gabi didn’t care that they knew they were fighting. He should have never accepted a dinner invitation without checking with her to see if she had plans. But that was the way it had been for the past month. The first month he was home she’d had to practically beg him to leave the house. Now it was as though he didn’t want to spend time alone with her.

As Gabi fumed on the couch, she saw Eric walk into the den with his father, probably to discuss her, she thought, how demanding she was, how she couldn’t keep her hands off him. She wanted to scream.

“You two having a fight?” Eric’s mom asked.

“Is it that obvious?” Gabi asked and laughed, knowing that it was, that she’d done everything in her power to ensure the world knew they were fighting. “We don’t fight,” Gabi said sadly, “this isn’t us.”

“What’s the fight about?”

“Personal.”

“Ahh, you or him?”

“Him.”

When the older woman’s arm came around her, Gabi gave in and leaned on the woman’s shoulder. For the last nine years Eric’s mother had been her surrogate mother and she liked the feeling. “Be patient with him,” the woman crooned softly, whispering to keep the men from overhearing. “I’m sure he’s had a rough time. You two will adjust in time. You love and respect each other, and that will carry you though the rough patches.”

“But he…he…he…he’s not the same.”

“Who would be, Gabi? Give him time, baby he’ll come back.”

“What if he doesn’t?”

“You know better than that, Gabi. Eric’s just going through some things right now. He’s not going to do anything to lose you. You’re his life, baby.”

“Don’t worry, he’s not in danger of losing me but if he keeps talking to me the way he’s been doing for the last few weeks I’ll going to have to kick your son’s behind.”

The women high-fived and hugged, laughing together. Talking to the older woman made Gabi feel better. She was aware her husband had had a hard time the past year. That third tour of duty had taken something out of both of them. She’d thought it was way too much for the military to ask of any soldiers but Eric was the consummate marine. It was his duty. But what was she? She was his wife and needed him much more than the service. She sighed and burrowed her head against Ongela’s shoulder. She just needed to hear someone else tell her that he still loved her, that she had nothing to worry about, that in time Eric would return to his normal behavior.

***

“Gabi looks like she’s about ready to blow.” Eric’s father sat down in his recliner and looked at him. “What did you do?”

“Why do you think it’s something I did?  You always go straight to Gabi’s side.” Eric shook his head. “That’s not fair. You know Mom’s in there being swayed by Gabi.”

Eric sat down, feeling some of the tension ease out of him. The one thing in their favor was the relationship between his parents and Gabi. They had fallen in love with her the first time he’d brought her home, and had berated him when learning he’d been in love with her for three years without telling her.

“Gabi’s our daughter,” his father laughed, answering Eric’s question.

“But you don’t always have to take her side.” Eric pretended to huff, then smiled at his father. He shook his head. “I don’t know what’s going on. I just don’t feel normal. I’m trying and Gabi is trying. She’s being understanding, loving, everything Gabi is and it’s…”  He sighed.

“Her being wonderful is ticking you off.”  Terry finished his son’s words.

“How did you know?” Eric looked at his father in amazement.

“Did you forget I served in
Vietnam
?”

“You’ve never talked about it.”

“I’ve never wanted to, same as you.”

“Then why can’t people understand that? Why is everyone always bringing it up in the conversation?”

“Is that why you’re angry with Gabi?”

Eric scratched at his right eye nervously, then rubbed his hand across his forehead.

“You know, when I was gone I had to sometimes force myself not to think of Gabi, especially this last time. I kept thinking I was going to get my men killed if I couldn’t keep my mind off her.” He shook his head and sucked in a deep breath, unable to stop the emotion filling his body and soul. “I don’t know how to be me anymore.”

“It takes time, Son, you’ll get the hang of it. You could talk to Gabi. She’s a sweet girl, she’ll understand.”

“I’m not sure.”

“Are you two…”

Seeing his father staring at him, Eric flushed with embarrassment. “She keeps talking about getting pregnant. I don’t know for sure if I want kids.”

“You did before.”

“I know, but I’m not sure now.” Eric shuddered. “I don’t know if I could see my son go into war.” He worried his top lip with the tip of his tongue. “Was it hard for you, Pop?”

“Of course it was hard for me to see you leave to fight a war same as I had. But you’re an officer. I expected this to happen some day.”

“I don’t know if I want to worry about what could happen to babies if we have them. I don’t think I’d be able to see a son of mine go off to war.”

“And I presume you haven’t told your wife?”

Eric toyed with the afghan that lay across the sofa. “No, I haven’t told her.”

“And you think it’s easier not to be with her?”

“Until I get up the nerve to tell her.” He closed his eyes for a moment before heaving a groan of relief. “Do you think a man can love a woman too much?”

He couldn’t help seeing the surprise in his father’s eyes. Eric watched as his father puttered around the room for a few seconds, opening and closing his hands, trying to think of a way to answer that question.

“I think I may love Gabi too much.” Eric eyed his father, taking away the need for his father to answer. “I think I love my wife to the point where it’s dangerous. She’s an addiction for me. I swear she is, and sometimes I don’t know if I like it. It’s bad when a man knows that his nose is so wide open that he could endanger someone’s life. I need to find a way to get my addiction to her under control.”

“If you’re addicted, Eric, your wife is just as addicted. I’ve never seen a couple more in love than the two of you. You’ve been like that since I first saw the two of you together. If I were you I wouldn’t mess with that. It just might backfire on you and you’re going to wish you’d listened to me.”

“I hear you, Pop.” Eric suddenly felt tired. He wanted to strike a balance between his love for Gabi and allowing her love to interfere with his job. That was a must.

“No, Eric, I don’t think you do hear me.”

“I’m just trying to protect Gabi from future pain. She could barely take my going to war. How do you think she’d survive having a child and have something happen to that child? I don’t want her to ever experience that.”

“You can’t make that decision alone.” His father glared at him, making Eric blink. “Gabi has a right to know what you’re thinking. She’s a grown woman. She doesn’t need you protecting her from what ifs. What if you have a son and he grows up to be president? What if he finds a way to bring an end to all wars? Did you ever think about that, Son?”

“Don’t tell Mom about my change of heart on having kids, okay? She’ll tell Gabi and I want to be the one to tell her. Besides, nothing is set in stone. I might change my mind again.”

“I wasn’t planning on telling your mother.”

“Thanks for listening to me. I heard all the things you said, but I’m still going to protect Gabi.” Eric smiled. “It’s my job to protect those I love.”

He held his father’s gaze. When his mother yelled for them, ‘to come out of there,’ they both stood, knowing the time for male bonding had passed.

The press of his father’s hand on his shoulder stopped Eric from opening the door.

“Are you being completely honest with me, Son?”

When Eric failed to answer his father put his arm around him. “When I was in
Vietnam
a lot of horrible things happened that to this day I have to fight to forget.”

“They used babies, Pop.” Eric swallowed hard and held on to his father.

“I know. When I was in
Nam
, the same things happened.”

For a moment both father and son pulled back and stared at each other.

“I feel so dirty, so unworthy to have a baby. I’m scared. Whenever anyone brings a baby near me, my hands shake and I have to make an excuse to leave. It’s all I can do to make it to a bathroom and puke. I can’t tell all of that to Gabi. I never want her to know. You know how she is, Pop. She loves babies. Knowing the things that happened would kill her. Who knows, it might even kill her love for me. I can’t take that chance. I love my wife and I love making love to her. But she’s determined to have a baby. She’s getting sick of me with one excuse after the other. I know it, but right now I don’t know what to do. My thoughts are muddled. Sometimes I’m not even sure what’s going on with me. There’s just so much going on in my head. I just need some time to figure it all out.”

“Don’t wait too long, Son,” his father advised. “Either you tell your wife what’s going on, or she’s going to make up all sort of things in her head. The truth is never as bad as what a woman can imagine.”

***

The ride home was just as quiet as it had been on the drive down. An almost three hour drive was much too long to not talk. The tension had eased a bit and the anger was in the background. Eric glanced at Gabi. Her shoulders sagged and she was looking out the window. He thought over what his father had said but he also thought about what he’d been doing during the most crucial moment of his life.