Another Summer (20 page)

Joe didn’t want her to go back to the hospital tonight.  Or tomorrow, if he could help it.  He’d never forgotten how it felt to lie there waiting in vain for visitors but he didn’t want to start feeling sorry for Jake.  He didn’t want to blow his only chance to convince Evie he’d changed.  If she still decided to leave him, at least he’d know he’d tried.

They were still at the table after their soup and cheese on toast, hardly a gourmet meal but he couldn’t remember the last time he’d cooked her anything.  He topped up their wine, needing it way more than she did.  Her glass was still half full and she was staring into it, not giving away any clues about what she was thinking.

She was barefoot in jeans and a soft lilac sweater.  Her hair had dried in waves around her shoulders and he could see why a young guy in a band would fancy her.  It was killing him to think of them together.  He was nervous as hell but he knew he had to get on with it.  He took a deep breath.

“At the hospital, you said this has been the worst year of your life.  I totally get that but I’m wondering if you realise it hasn’t been a picnic for me either?”

She looked up, surprised and curious.  He knew it was a now or never moment.  Once he started talking he wouldn’t be able to stop. 

“It was a shock for all of us when we lost Michael like that.  I seemed to be the shoulder for everyone to cry on.  I was happy to help, of course I was.  But I don’t think you realised how much I was feeling it too?  Then your grandmother died and we were straight into the row about selling the cottage.”

“Granny Barbara wanted her home to stay in the family.  I was upset you didn’t support me.”

“Can’t I have an opinion?  It seemed like a millstone to me.  I mean look at this place, it needs a fortune spent on it.  I couldn’t understand why you were being so selfish.  I know now, obviously.  It’s a place to sneak off to with your toyboy.”

“What?  That’s ridiculous!”

“Is it?  You’re forgetting I saw you fucking him.”

“This is about your ego, isn’t it?  You don’t want me but nobody else can have me either?”

“I never said I didn’t want you.”

“You never actually said you did.”

There were tears in her eyes and she was concentrating too hard on tracing the rim of her wine glass.  He wanted to kick himself for starting off on the wrong foot.  His jealousy had crept up on him and he’d been too aggressive.  But his anger seemed to have vanished again and now all he felt was sad.  He sloshed back some wine, trying to think.  He had to make her see that he knew he’d got things wrong in the past.

“I loved Michael, you know?  He was the only father I ever knew.”

“Of course I know that.”  But she glanced up, a bit taken aback.

“So why did it feel like I wasn’t allowed to grieve?  That I didn’t have the right because none of you thought of me as proper family?  Maybe it isn’t that surprising I didn’t cope very well?”

“More excuses, Joe?  You’re always very good at those.  I’ve often wondered why I let you get round me every time.  It took me forever to realise you never mean what you say.”

“I do mean it.  I’m trying to tell you what happened.”

He cleared his throat, not wanting to sound like a lunatic.  He realised he’d have to tread carefully if he wasn’t going to blow it.

“There was a woman.”

She looked at him, her eyes more fearful than shocked.  Heart pounding, he gulped at his wine. 

“I wasn’t sleeping well.  I was exhausted, having nightmares.  I felt there was nobody in the world I could talk to.  I was lonely.”

“And I suppose this woman listened when you told her  your wife didn’t understand you?”

He wasn’t used to sarcasm from her.  Or having her glare at him across the table.  She was clearly long past the stage of accepting platitudes.

“She was a client,” he told her.  “Maybe I should’ve been fired, I knew the rules.  But I stood on my pride and walked out.  I was a stupid bastard, alright?  But I needed somebody.”

“You’re always needing somebody, Joe.  What about the girl who answered the phone when I rang your office?  She was too bitchy not to be involved somewhere in all this mess.”

His heart was pounding.  He hadn’t expected all this soul-searching but it was too late now for denials.  She was leaving him anyway, whatever he said.  He had nothing more to lose.

“I suspect that might have been Louise.  Really, she was nothing.”

“They’re always nothing.  I’ve put up with your lies since I was sixteen and I don’t want to turn into my mother.  The thought of being unhappy for twenty years is unbearable.”

“But your mother went back after she made her stand.  It seemed to me your parents made their peace and they were happy enough in the end.  She kept her shop, worked from home.  They found the best of both worlds.”

“But it was still her who made all the sacrifices.  I’m not prepared to do that.  It’s time I got a life.”    

“I always thought you liked your life.”

“I’m sure it’s convenient for you to think that.  But I’m not that girl any more.  I can’t sit around forever waiting for you to appreciate me.  Sometimes I think you never even see me.”

“That’s not true.  There was never anyone who meant more to me than you and Claire.”

“Great answer,” she scoffed.  “But what about that artist woman, Kat?  I’ve always known there was something about her.  Heather once told me you were besotted with her.”

“It was over before I married you.”

“So, why do you keep her picture of you?”

“I don’t know.  Maybe I wanted to punish myself for being such a dick?”

“You’re such a liar!  Why did you marry me, anyway?  I always thought it was something to do with her, being on the rebound, or something.  I lived on hope for years but I’ve always felt second best because of that bloody picture.  Every time I suspected there might be somebody else, I always imagined it was her.”

He leaned back on his chair, hiding behind his glass as he tried to think.  Her liquid eyes seemed to see right into his soul.  He’d had no idea he’d hurt her so much.  No wonder she wanted to leave him.  He dragged his fingers through his mop of hair.  She was right, he needed it cut.

“You were never second best.”

“I was, Joe.  And you know it.  Have you any idea how hard it is to live with someone who wants to be somewhere else?  I admit I married you so Claire could have a father and I didn’t expect to love you.  But when I realised I did, I spent years keeping the family together while I waited for you to love me back.”

“Having a family at home was always important to me.”

“But you only came home when you ran out of other things to do.”

“That’s not fair, Evie,” he pleaded, more cut-up than he’d ever anticipated.  “It was never that bad.”

“Try seeing it from where I’m sitting.  You’ve hurt me so many times over the years.  I always thought I didn’t want to lose you but you can’t lose something you never truly had.  You must think I’m such a fool?”

“You’re nobody’s fool,” he said and meant it.  “I know I hurt you and I really want to make it up to you.”

“I don’t know that you can make it up to me.  How do I even know you mean it?  Why didn’t you tell me what was going on?”

He risked taking her hand across the table and felt encouraged when she didn’t resist.  He wanted to pull her into his arms but he knew he’d have to convince her first that things really could be different. 

“I felt like a failure and I wanted to put things right before I told you.  You’d been through so much and I didn’t want to make it worse.”

“I don’t just mean about your job.”

“What, then?  Other women whose names I can barely remember?”
“Don’t say it like that.  Like it’s not important.  I’ve had years of wondering where you were, who you were with.”

“I always came home.”

She snatched back her hand.  “Big deal!  That’s hardly the point.”

“So, what is the point?  It was all about your dad, your grandmother, your baby.  Everything was about you.  Did it ever occur to you that everybody I’ve ever loved has either left me or died?  Maybe I didn’t commit, not properly.  Maybe I was protecting myself in case you left me too.  And guess what?  Turns out I was right.”

“Bullshit!  You’re just looking for excuses, doing what you usually do.  Everybody’s fault but yours.”

“That’s not what I’m doing.  And you’re not entirely blameless.  I was furious you wouldn’t even consider selling the cottage.  For once, me and Vanessa were on the same side.  She’d just bought that miniscule flat in London.  A bigger deposit could’ve really helped her.  Not to mention what we could’ve done with the money.”

“We don’t need money.”

“Maybe I do.”

“Oh, yes.  How could I forget you don’t have a job?”

“No bonus this year either.”  He paused, not really for impact, more out of fear.

“Why is that significant?”

He took a deep breath.  “I bought stuff.  Another suit.  This watch.  I was expecting a hefty bonus next month to pay for it.”

“And of course you won’t be getting it now?  How much?”

“A few grand.”

“How much, Joe?”

“Eight.”

A furious blush seeped into her cheeks.  “You’re eight thousand pounds in debt?”

She slumped back in her chair, hands covering her face.  He couldn’t tell if she was laughing or crying.  He couldn’t make his feet move to go and find out.

“Why are you telling me all this now?” she asked eventually.

“I’m sick of all the secrets.  I want everything out in the open.  I mean you’re going anyway, right?  What have I got to lose?”

If she actually confirmed it, he didn’t know what he would do.

“This is just about you feeling better, isn’t it?  Your pride’s hurt because you think I want somebody else, so you’re rubbing my nose in it?”

She thrust back her chair.  It crashed onto the dusty flags.  He hadn’t said half of what he meant to, yet it felt like a final goodbye.  Was that it, then?  She was going to Jake?

“Where are you going?”

“Anywhere I can get that’s away from you.  Just leave me alone, Joe.  I’ve had enough.”

The beach was bleak and miserable.  The rain was beating on Evie’s hood and her feet were cold in the silly gold flip-flops but she couldn’t face going back to the cottage just yet.  She sat on a rock and stared out to sea, too shell shocked and angry to cry.

She wondered if Joe felt better for getting all that out of his system, because she certainly didn’t.  He must have known she’d be hurt yet he’d still gone through with it.  And all to get his own back because he’d seen her with somebody else.  Thank goodness she hadn’t told him she wanted to go back to him, because now she didn’t know what she wanted.  How could her life change so much in only a couple of days?

Her heart lurched at the footsteps crunching on the shingle.  She wasn’t ready to see him yet.  She couldn’t take any more of his revelations.  She could tell by the way he was walking that his leg was bothering him and when he stopped in front of her, he was drenched.  His beloved denim jacket wasn’t even fastened.  But he was wrong if he thought he’d get round her like that.

“Haven’t you had enough of being out in this rain?” he asked.

“I can’t go back inside.”

“Inside with me, you mean?”

“Can you blame me, Joe?  I really don’t know what to think.”

“I know.  I’m sorry.”

She saw he’d brought the bottle of vodka from the fridge and he sat on the rock beside her to fill two shot glasses he produced from his pocket.

“You have to be kidding.  Vodka shots in the pouring rain?”

“Why not, if it helps?”

She thought it would take more than vodka but she knocked hers back in one and found it scorched the tears from her throat.  She coughed and wiped her hand across her mouth as she tried to decide what to say to him.

“I’m thinking this is probably the rock where we met.”

“What?” she gasped.  “How can you sit there reminiscing?  After all the lies you’ve told me?”

“I didn’t lie, not exactly.  I just avoided telling you the truth.”

He skimmed a stone into the water.  His half smile looked sheepish and drove away some of her anger.  She saw the gash on his head.  Remembered how he’d fought over her.  What he’d done to save her.  That must mean something, surely?  But she wasn’t ready to forgive him yet.  Or to trust him.

“You never did tell me where you went every day when you were pretending to go to work.  A whole month, Joe?  How could you do that?”

“I was trying to sort things out.  Following up contacts.  Chasing leads I got wind of.  Mostly, at the end, I was in the library looking into courses and stuff.  I never finished my degree and I’ve always been interested in art.”

“You’re not saying you want to do an art degree?”  It was the last thing she’d expected.  

“I did find the perfect course,” he shrugged.  “And now I’m thinking why not?  Classical drawing wasn’t fashionable when I was dabbling before.”

“Is she behind this?  Kat?”

“Of course not.  I wasn’t lying when I said it was over before I married you.  But maybe I hung onto the portrait as a reminder.  You know, to go back to art when the time was right?”

“And you think that’s now?  Sounds like you’ve got it all worked out.”

“I thought I was getting there.  But I didn’t know about you and that kid then, did I?”

She bristled.  How typical of him to shift the blame onto her.  He’d always been good at that.  But he didn’t say anything further.  He was looking across the bay at the Drydens’ old place, rain dripping from his hair.  It shocked her to realise she wanted to brush it back from his face.  How was it he could still make her heart turn over, even when she was angry?

“Heather and Steve are thinking of moving down here,” he told her.

“Yes, Heather mentioned it to me a couple of weeks ago.  You’re not the only one who can keep secrets.”

“And your secret was right up there with the best of them, wasn’t it?” 

She’d walked right into that one but he had no right to make her feel guilty about Jake.  Yet Joe was her husband and she didn’t want him to think less of her.  Then she noticed he was avoiding her eye and she realised he’d reverted to doing his usual, attempting to cover things up.

“There’s something else, isn’t there?  Come on, there’s no point in denying it now.”

He sighed.  “Look, when you next speak to Heather, she might mention I called in on the way down here.  I had a girl with me.”

“Jesus, Joe!  Another one?”

“It wasn’t like that.  I was just giving her a lift but Heather was a bit suspicious.”

“I wonder why.”

Evie dashed the tears away, annoyed with herself for caring so much.  If there were too many issues to resolve, she didn’t even have to go back, she reminded herself.  She’d already taken the hardest steps by walking out in the first place.

“I get it that all the women in my life have a low opinion of me.  But this time I swear I was just doing Lisa a favour because she was stranded.”

“Stranded?  Is that what you were doing with all the others, rescuing them?”

“That’s a bit rich!  There wasn’t much rescuing going on last night, was there?  I had ringside seats for your performance, remember?”

“Don’t tell me I wasn’t entitled.  Best sex I’ve ever had, if you must know.  And as the only sex I’ve ever had was with you, that wouldn’t be difficult, would it?”

“And if I’d known you were such a bitch I’d have taken my chances with Lisa when I was offered.”

A heavy silence hung in the rain as they glared at each other.  Both furious.  Both dripping wet and ridiculous as they knocked back more vodka.  There was a moment when Evie thought they might laugh but they left it too late and they turned towards the sea instead of each other.  She bit her lip.  Crying wouldn’t resolve anything so she sat there, leaving it to him to apologise.

“So, you were planning to drag our daughter off to a rave in Ibiza?”

She frowned at the edge in his tone.  So much for the apology.  “It was just an idea, nothing concrete.  Or that extreme.”

“And then what?  Back here for you all to get cosy with Heather and Steve?”

“Of course not.  I have to go back to work.  Especially now.  Somebody has to pay the bills.  And I want to help Jake cover the cost of the bike.”

“Oh, yes.  Mustn’t forget bloody Jake.”

“He almost died!”

“I was there, remember?”

“He’s being so brave about his fingers.  I can’t let him down.”

“So, you’re giving him money?  Where have I heard that one before?  Or are you going to tell me it isn’t like that?”

She was stung.  “I don’t expect you to understand.”

“Understand what, exactly?”

“I’ve been different since I met Jake.  I don’t want to lose that.”

“I see,” Joe frowned.  “So, what will we do now?  Sell the house?”

“Sell the house?  Is that what you want?”  It had never crossed her mind.

“I’ll have tuition fees to pay.  A credit card bill.”

“But there’s still the money from Dad.  I feel bad that I never realised before how close you were.  I think he’d want you to have some of the benefit.”

“Thanks for the offer but I’ll still have to live somewhere.”

“Joe, you know I’ve always loved that house.”

“Maybe you should’ve thought of that before you left it.”

He seemed so resigned to this being the end.  How had it come to that?  She’d been about to go back, to make a new start.  Despite what she’d said to Jake, she hadn’t truly considered that Joe wouldn’t want her.

She stared at her shoes, trying not to cry.  The gold had been shiny on that first night with Jake.  Muddy now, consigned to history, fit for nothing but the dustbin.  Another vodka scorched her throat but the lump was still there, choking her with sadness.

“Dad was so careful with his money,” she said, half to herself to fill the awful silence.  “I wanted to use it for the family, something for all of us that would last.  But nothing really appealed.”

“A business, you mean?”

“It was just a thought.”

“I’ve been thinking along the same lines.”

She sensed the slightest lift in his mood but warned herself not to get too hopeful.  He topped up their glasses and she drank another shot, even though she was already dizzy.

“You said Michael wouldn’t have wanted his childhood home to be sold?  We were council house kids so never had that feeling.  But earlier, when I was here on my own, I think I realised what it’s about.  Shared family history, stuff like that?  Nothing to do with money.  And you were right about the feel of the place.  It has a great vibe.”

She was shocked to hear him say that.  “But I think you were partly right too.  It would be a drain to keep it on.  I’d forgotten it was so basic.”

“But there’s a way to address all of that.  The Drydens have made a bomb over the years,  so why couldn’t we?  Or you, anyway?  And Vanessa’s already in the holiday trade.  It ticks all the boxes.”

“Let it out, you mean?”

“Why not?  It would need investment to bring it up to scratch.  I’d say high end is the way to go, especially with this beach as a selling point.  And that cave of a shed would make a great studio, even a gallery.  The light’s fantastic.  And you’d be good at the renovations.  Look what you did with our place?”

She could see it was a sound idea.  The cottage could stay in the family and pay for itself.  It was the project she’d been looking for.  But she wouldn’t want to do it without Joe and she wasn’t ready to beg him.

“I can see you in your own gallery,” she hedged.  “It would be right up your street.  You could spend more time on your art and you’ve always been great at sales.”

“Not so great, as it happens.”  His smile was more rueful than she’d ever seen it.  “Funny, isn’t it?  When I was young, I thought I was destined for something much better than sales.”

“What about me?  I was destined to be a third generation teacher.  I had to get pregnant to get out of it.”

“On purpose?”

“I don’t think I was that desperate,” she scoffed.

“Weren’t you?  At the back of my mind, I always wondered if I’d got myself trapped.”

She couldn’t believe he was serious.  If he’d felt like that all these years, how had she never known about it?  And where did that leave them now?

“I was sixteen, Joe.  And so green, it didn’t even occur to me that I might get pregnant.  You must know that?”

“Do I?  What does it matter now anyway?”  He turned away and reached for the bottle that seemed to be turning into some sort of crutch.  “You should think about the gallery.  It’s a great idea, even if it isn’t for me.”

He knocked back another shot, scowling at the gloomy horizon.  When he’d followed her down to the beach, she’d expected him to turn on the charm to persuade her to his way of thinking.  But he didn’t seem to care any more and she didn’t know what to say to him.

Suddenly aware their thighs were touching, she shifted away but couldn’t tear her eyes from his face.  He looked cold and distant but still the most gorgeous man she’d ever known.  Except for Jake.  And Jake looked like him, she realised.

She could hardly tell Joe now that she still loved him and have it all thrown back in her face.  Not when he suspected she’d trapped him and was talking about selling their home.

“I’d have to talk to Vanessa”, she said eventually.  “Doing up the cottage is a huge commitment, even without the gallery.  She might not be that keen.”

“Worth all the effort, though.  And you’d still have the place for holidays.  Claire would love that, especially if Heather and Steve are here with their new baby.”

“What?”

“Oh, God!  Heather asked me to tell you but I never meant it to slip out like that.”

“Heather’s pregnant at last?  That’s great news.”

But she couldn’t stop herself bursting into tears.  Joe’s arms went round her and she snuggled against him, crying out her heartbreak while he hugged her, tighter than he had in a long time.

“I’m so sorry,” he whispered.  “I didn’t mean that stuff about being trapped.  I never gave it a thought for years.  But recently, you know?  It brought it all back.”

“How did it all become such a mess?  That whole nightmare, we never talked about it, did we?”  

He moved his arm away, reached down for a stone and skimmed it hard across the shingle.  She couldn’t tell what he was thinking and the distance between them seemed wider than ever.

“It was hard to talk,” he mumbled.  “Nobody even noticed it was my baby too.”

She stared at him.  “You’re not telling me you were happy about it?”

“Not happy, exactly.  At first I thought my head was going to explode.  I was worried we wouldn’t manage on one salary.  But a part of me craved that new start, a second chance to get things right, after the balls-up I made over Claire.”

“I thought you were angry with me.  It felt like I’d wasted my whole life on a man who didn’t care.  And I was so embarrassed.  I mean who gets pregnant by accident twice?  I never imagined you’d want it,” she sobbed.  “I was terrified of being left on my own and I started to resent the baby.  Then when I lost it, I felt so guilty in case I’d made it happen by wishing it was dead.”