Anthropology of an American Girl (19 page)

The doors of the gym were open. I made my way down the right side of the courts, through a corridor of idling boys waiting for the next game or recovering from the last. They nodded, saying, “Hey, Evie.” They didn’t seem to mind the way I was.

The staccato back and forth of feet trampling the court shook the wooden stands as I climbed the last section of bleachers at the farthest end of the gym. I sat and leaned forward, watching the game, thinking it must feel good to trample and to run undressed without fear of scrutiny, to be the legitimate heirs to such a definitive space as a gym. Sometimes you can feel sorry to be a woman, or at least you can forget why you’re supposed to be so glad about it.

There was the piercing squelch of rubber. “Do it! Go! Go!”

The boys signaled with clapping hands or twitching heads, and when the guy with the ball was blocked, you figured he would pass or hand off, but instead his jaw would relax, his eyes would go stony, and he would pivot low to cut past the rangy gate of arms that sought to obstruct him; then he would try the shot anyway, usually missing. In spite of the failed attempt, you had to admire the breakaway risk. Breakaway risk is kind of like the law of the sperm. They’ll unify, but only to a point.

The wooden plank depressed alongside me—creaking down, easing up. I looked back, turning almost completely. It was the man Kate had pointed to in the hallway. He moved directly behind me, placing one of his knees on either side of my back. He was soaking wet and his chest was heaving. I figured he’d been running in the rain and that he must have been running a long time, maybe miles. He’d come to give me a message. He wanted me to know he felt entitled. I understood—I felt similarly entitled. He’d come because he had no choice; there was nowhere else to go. I knew that too. I also had nowhere. His soul was not quiet; neither was mine.

The light cotton of his shorts revealed what I had never seen made so legible, a region of tenderness, and it made me both proud and sad, which was strange; to feel proud that way, as if I were connected to his tenderness, and sad because, of course, I was not. His face was like the face of a large animal, kinglike and balanced. The cheekbones were so prominent as nearly to hide the eyes, which were as dark as carbon, but glassy, like lights were shining on them. His hair was black and dripping. Kate had said his name was Harrison, Harrison Rourke.

Someone screamed, “Let’s go, asshole, let’s go!”

I did not turn back to the court. I knew his nearness was miraculous. It was nothing I could explain; it was an old knowledge. My feelings for him were like memories rising up, dormant things revivified, regaining dimension, spinning to life. To be near him, the world turned alive.

I stayed still, letting him regard me. Unlike Jack, he did not seem to be disgusted by what he saw.

As soon as I was able, I went back down cautiously into the gym. Reaching the end by the doors, I turned back. He had not moved. His elbows were on his knees, his head hanging down, his face turned to me. He was smiling.

I
was standing at the glass doors in the freezing cold foyer of the school, watching the wind do battle with the objects on the ground outside. In just one more day it would be November, and in six more days it would be my birthday.

Everyone kept asking, “What do you want?”

“Nothing,” I would say, because it was true.

I wasn’t even sure what the day meant anymore or how it was supposed to commemorate the fact of me or my existence. I could hardly expect anyone to share in that. When I searched for myself among the memories of the sixteen birthdays I’d had, I found no link between the child I’d been, the girl I was, or the woman I might become. Beyond the obvious connection to my having been present when those days actually occurred, I could think of nothing more meaningful for me in the chain than an attachment to the month itself. In November the sun draws back, the sky goes high, and the wind turns bold. Chestnut casings batter cement paths, broken leaves form long and drifting islands in the streets, and there is woeful noise—the music of decay.

I reloaded my camera; twenty minutes left before the Halloween pep rally was to start. There was never a shortage of Halloween pictures for the yearbook, but I’d assigned myself to photograph the day anyway, because it gave me an excuse to wear regular clothes and skip classes. As it turned out I made it through three rolls of film before classes started, so I spent the rest of the day reading
Pride and Prejudice
in Denny’s car and drinking coffee at the rear entrance with the cafeteria workers.

According to my mother, Halloween was actually a pagan festival of the dead, a day when the threshold between worlds was considered most permeable, and so the deceased would likely visit. “The point of scary costumes,” she said, “was to help the living frighten the dead back to the other side.”

Sadly, the holiday had drifted from its more compelling origins. Now it represented an opportunity for everyone to dress in toxic plastic and act like assholes. It was especially disturbing when nondescript adults like Toby Parker, the music teacher, or Mr. O’Donnell, the librarian, went about their normal business, such as teaching trumpet lessons or sorting the Dewey decimal classification while dressed as Coneheads or strangled ogres. The office ladies were all wearing fangs, and Ms. Herbst, the typing teacher, was dressed as a German beer wench.

A blue Mustang reeled expertly into the school parking lot. Ray Trent and Mike Reynolds got out, their doors closing simultaneously—
boom-boom
. Ray and Mike were from Montauk. Like most people from Montauk, they had nice cars. Unlike others from Montauk, they also had nice clothes and lots of money. They were always going on field trips, or into the city to see concerts at Madison Square Garden. Some people said they sold drugs.

Troy Resnick said
no way
. “I never bought drugs from them.”

“Yeah, well, who would blow their cover dealing to a douche bag like you?” Jack said.

I didn’t really mind what they did—they were polite and you could have a good time with them without getting molested. I knew because Ray had taken me to the junior prom that past spring.

Ray had asked me on Valentine’s Day. Jack and I were at lunch, working our way through a bag of heart-shaped cookies Denny had made for us. Denny was an awful cook. He always added stray ingredients—spices, oils, herbs, whatever happened to be around.

“Perfect timing,” Jack said when Ray arrived, and he pushed the cookies over. “Help us out here before we puke.”

Ray reached into the bag and checked with Jack about asking me to the prom. “Because I know
you’re
not going, man.”

Jack gnawed at a cookie. “Actually, Ray,” he stated, “I’d love to go to the prom, but I can’t afford it. Lobotomies are expensive.”

“What do you think, Evie?” Ray asked. “You up for it?”

I shrugged. “Okay.”

“Cool,” Ray said, then he took a bite, gagging instantly. “What’s in these things?”

“Nutmeg,”
we said in unison as Denny came up the aisle with a loaded cafeteria tray.

“So Ray showed up for some cookies too, huh?” he said brightly. “Thank God I got six milks!”

Ray and I ended up having a great prom night, dancing and mingling and driving around in the Mustang. I talked about my dad’s sign shop and gypsy moth infestation and films I loved, like Rossellini’s
Rome, Open City
, and he spoke of his sister Kerrie, a competitive gymnast, and the giant television set he and Mike had just picked up in Smithtown for Mike’s grandmother. Ray did offer me cocaine, but the proposal came more or less as a courtesy, just in case I’d had certain expectations in regard to the evening. He didn’t do any himself, not that I could see, and not once did I observe him exchanging packets for cash. After the breakfast party, he returned me safely home and kissed me goodbye, giving me his Grateful Dead
Terrapin Station
tape.

“Thanks for coming out with me, Eveline,” Ray said, “and for not being afraid. Most girls in school are—” He broke off and rattled his arms at hip height like he was pretend-spooked, “Whoa, like, weird.”

“Yeah,” I said. It was true. Most girls in school were
Whoa, like, weird
.

“But you see the beauty in people, so people feel beautiful around you. You don’t have any fears or hang-ups,” he said.

Tempting as it was to contradict him in regard to fears and hang-ups, I said nothing. It’s impolite to refute a compliment. When people need to be nice, you need to let them. Force yourself. Practice.

I hid behind a square brick pillar on the school steps. Through my telephoto, I followed Ray and Mike as they eased around the cars in the lot. They were wearing business suits, I figured the suits were their costumes. Mike banged on the fender of a muddy Dodge Dart, and a girl in an aggregate of shredded purple rayon bounded from the passenger side, Instamatic in hand. It was Laura Migliore, also from Montauk, dressed as Stevie Nicks. Laura passed her half-spent cigarette back through the open window to the invisible driver, and she waved one witchy arm, directing Ray and Mike to come together for a photo. I got a shot of her taking a shot of them and a few more of Ray leaning on the car, bending
furtively to talk to the driver, with Mike flanking him protectively, staring into the fields. Mr. Cuneo, the algebra teacher, called the fields
lots
. He was always talking about having grown up in the
potato lots
.

The boys came up the school steps, and autumn leaves whipped their ankles, halfway mounting the lengths of their legs.

“Hey, hey, it’s the beach bunny,” Mike said, referring to a day I’d spent in Montauk, the day I’d lied to Kate when Maman was dying. The day I’d taken a break from hospital visits.

That day Ray and Mike had found me alone at the beach at the end of Essex Street, in Montauk Village. I seemed down, so they tried to cheer me. They bought me espadrilles and a sundress at the Surf Shop since I’d come by train just in my bathing suit and shorts. We went to the Montauket for sunset, the Yacht Club for dinner, and to Tipperary for darts. Because it’s difficult to leave Montauk when the moment for leaving presents itself, Ray and I spent the night together on his boat. In the morning we had breakfast at the Royale Fish in Amagansett. I didn’t feel guilty about Ray, since it ended up being a good time when I needed one most. It had been a lonely summer, and I was grateful to the someone somewhere who had taken pity on me and sent relief in the form of friends and fun.
Someone somewhere
—people say that as though it means something other than God.

Ray held the door for me. “Where’s your costume, Evie?”

“Don’t tell me,” Mike said, referring to the camera. “You’re a private detective.”

“You better go easy on the eye-spy stuff,” Ray teased. “I don’t want to have to buy you a new camera when Mike busts that one.”

A crowd of kids was cramming into the gymnasium, and we joined them. Ray threw one arm around me, and with the other tousled my hair. “That’s some chop job,” he shouted over the shouting. “Very sexy.”

“You working?” Mike shouted too. “Or you wanna sit with us?”

“Working,” I yelled. As they waved and walked off, I called out, “What are you guys supposed to be, anyway?”

“Ourselves,” Mike hollered, “in a couple years.”

I withdrew to the wall beneath the basketball hoops, climbing onto a stack of folded exercise mats. Each grade filled its own section of bleachers, then the cheerleaders burst into the center of the gym, flipping and
triple high-kicking. They performed their two best cheers with incomparable gusto, then came that Queen chant—
We will, we will, rock you
. Everyone joined in, stomping their feet, one, then the other, ending with a clap—one-two,
three
, one-two,
three
. I searched for Ray and Mike through my telephoto lens. They were at the base of the senior section, talking nonchalantly, as if they happened to have met on the street. I wondered why I’d chosen Jack instead of Ray, when Ray was good-looking and polite and much better to sleep with than Jack, and he had a car instead of a skateboard.

Next the football players jogged out in full uniform and greasepaint, coming together in bungling formation. After one final gargantuan roar, everyone descended to the gym floor, and soon the whole frenetic assembly was urging itself to the doors. I hopped down and let myself be transported in a swilling back and forth motion, until I was ejected into the lobby.

Kate ran up alongside me. “Did you see him?” Her massive hoop earrings clanked as she spun her head left and right. Kate was a gypsy. Not a gypsy, a “Bohemian.”

“See who?”

“Harrison. He was just here. C’mon!” She took off down the hallway, dragging me. “Let’s see if he posted the roles. Hurry!” Once the auditorium doors were in sight, Kate squealed. The list was there. She spun and buried her face in my shoulder. “Oh, my God, Evie, I think I got it.”

I hugged her. Her eyes were closed, screwed up tight in their sockets, like lavender bottle caps. We were like finalists in a beauty pageant—Kate’s breath on my face, the cushiony weight of her breasts against my breasts, the perfumed fragrance of her hair.

“Wait a minute,” I said. “I’ll go check.”

On the door was a sheet of yellow legal paper carelessly taped. It hung tilted to the right as though it had come in forcefully from the left. The letters were blocky and sure; the ink was red. As I dragged my hand down the page, I could feel the architecture of Rourke’s handwriting, the reservoirs and alcoves made by the pressure of his pen.

“Did you find it?” Kate asked.

“Not yet,” I murmured, reaching again for the top, mesmerized.

“Come
on.”
She stomped.

“Oh,” I said, “here.” I traced the grain of the letters. He had pressed so hard, I didn’t need my eyes to read. “Ready?” I asked, stalling once more. “Emily Webb … Kate Cassirer.”

Her eyes popped open. “I knew it,” she whispered, and she leaned back against the wall.

I observed her from across the portal; I was thinking what to say. I was probably supposed to say something. It was weird, but I didn’t feel as glad for her as I had at first, when we were hugging. All I could think was that he had written her name.