Anything But Love (14 page)

She couldn’t get enough of the way his voice seemed to caress her name, or the taste of his hot, hard length against her tongue, or the feel of his hands in her hair.

She’d never been a big fan of oral sex—giving or receiving—but this was different. This was Ben she was touching, Ben she was tasting, Ben she was driving crazy.

If it had been up to her, she wouldn’t have stopped until he exploded. She would have experimented with her hands, her mouth, her tongue, until she found out exactly what would make that happen. But before things could get there, Ben pulled away from her, panting.

“Why did you stop me?”

He surged up to a sitting position, pulling off his shirt and tossing it to the floor.

“Because I don’t want to come in your mouth. Not when I could come inside you—if you’ll let me.”

His words sent an erotic thrill down her spine. “I want both,” she said, amazed to hear herself say such a thing.

His eyebrows shot up. “Are you trying to kill me?”

She shook her head. “I just want to experience everything.” She hesitated. “With you.”

Up until that point, his expression had been all lust with a sprinkling of humor. But now something different came into his eyes—something deeper.

She was kneeling on the bed while he was sitting back against the headboard. Now he reached out and pulled her into his arms, rolling them over until she was on her back and he was above her, his weight supported on his arms and one powerful thigh between her legs.

“You will,” he said, his voice husky. “You’ll experience everything you want to, Jess. I swear it.”

Her eyes fluttered closed. Her naked breasts were pressed against his chest, and the weight of that contact made her heart thud against her ribcage.

But even more urgent was the sensation between her legs.

She didn’t realize that she’d started to move against him, twisting and writhing to increase the delicious friction, until Ben started to move, too, his hips flexing and his thigh pushing against her center.

“Oh God,” she gasped. “Ben . . . please . . .”

“What?” he murmured in her ear, just before nipping at the tender lobe. “What do you want, Jess?”

“I want you inside me.”

He rocked against her and she gasped again. “I want you inside me
right now
.”

He kissed her hard and then rolled away to the edge of the bed, opening the drawer of his nightstand and pulling out a pack of condoms.

She rose up on her elbows, staring. “Where did those come from? Please tell me you didn’t bring them from New York.”

He grinned as he opened the box, and she took a moment to admire his smooth bare skin and the play of hard muscle beneath it.

“I’m not that arrogant,” he said. “I bought them our second day here, after we kissed that first night.”

“I see. And you didn’t think that was arrogant?”

He shook his head. “It was hopeful. I knew you were hot for me, and I was just waiting for you to realize it when you were sober.”

He took out a foil packet and started to open it.

“Wait,” she said, surprising both of them.

“Do you want to slow down? I’d be happy to go back to the foreplay part of the evening,” he added with a wicked grin. “Hell, I get turned on just by kissing you. If you want to spend the whole night necking, I’d be down with that. Whatever you want, Jess.”

Her gaze drifted down to his lap. He was hard as granite, long and thick and proudly erect, and yet she knew that if she called a halt, he’d accept it.

A rush of affection went through her, and it made her desire burn even hotter.

“It’s not that. I want—I want—” She paused.

Could she really ask for what she wanted? She’d never expressed a desire of her own in bed before. But Ben had made tonight safe and hot and playful and erotic all at the same time, and everything seemed possible with him.

“I want to be on top. And I want to put the condom on you.”

He blinked. “Well,” he said after a moment. “Your wish is definitely my command.”

He handed her the square packet and settled down on his back, folding his arms behind his head and grinning up at her.

“You’re the sexiest human being I’ve ever seen,” she said, letting her eyes rove over his powerful body.

“That’s my line,” he said. “Speaking of which, you still have an article of clothing to remove.”

She kept her eyes on him as she put the condom between her teeth. Then she rose up on her knees, hooked her thumbs in the waistband of her panties, and slid them down her legs. She slipped them off and kicked them aside, and then she crawled over to Ben on her hands and knees, the condom still in her mouth.

Ben stared at her, his eyes wide. “What were you saying before about your problem with sex?”

She ripped open the foil with her teeth as she threw her right leg over Ben, straddling him with a knee on either side of his hips.

“I said I thought you were the one who could help me. I was obviously right.”

She started to roll the condom over his erection, but it didn’t cooperate.

“Other way,” Ben grated out.

“Oh.” She turned the condom over and tried again, and this time the slick latex moved smoothly over his hard, hot flesh. “I ruined another moment,” she said. “I was going for sex kitten and I totally blew it.”

“If you climb on top of me right now, I’ll forgive you.”

She’d never met a man who could be strong and sexy and adorable all at once.

“Okay,” she said. “It’s a deal.”

As she took him in her hand to guide him inside her, she realized just how hot and wet and ready she was.

And then, slowly, she sank down on top of him.

“Jesus,” Ben whispered, his eyes closing and his jaw muscles tensing. “You’re so tight.”

The sensation of fullness spread from her center through her whole body. It shimmered like light through her veins, as though Ben’s very essence was mingling with hers.

She put her hands flat on his chest and leaned over him. His eyes opened and he looked at her, and for one searing moment the world seemed to stop spinning.

Her heart stopped. Her breath stopped. All she knew was the joining of their bodies and the depth of his gaze and a longing that couldn’t be satisfied even by achieving its desire.

“Jessica,” Ben said, his voice shaking.

She started to move, slowly, her eyes still on his. She was so focused on Ben that she didn’t realize what was happening in her body until—

“Oh my God,” she gasped. “I think I’m going to come.” And in the next instant she knew what would send her over the edge. “I want you to be on top when I do. Will you be on top when I—”

He didn’t wait for her to finish. He flipped her onto her back without losing the connection of their bodies and drove into her, hard and then harder, until her orgasm began in her fingers and toes before igniting every nerve ending in a glorious explosion.

An instant later she felt Ben pulse inside her. He thrust deep, calling her name, and his head dropped to her shoulder as he shuddered out his release.

The thunder of their heartbeats eventually slowed. Ben shifted slightly to the side, easing the weight of his body on top of hers, but keeping the contact between them.

The aftermath was so sweet she never wanted it to end. Her body was so sated, so replete, that it was impossible to imagine feeling hunger or thirst or need or pain ever again.

Ben seemed to feel the same. His hands moved over her hair, her skin, as though he couldn’t stop touching her.

She never wanted him to stop touching her. She felt warm and safe and treasured and . . .

Sleepy.

She yawned hugely and Ben chuckled, the vibration tickling her cheek where it rested against his chest.

“I thought men were the ones who fell asleep after sex,” he said softly.

He was rubbing her back in slow circles. She yawned again and snuggled against him, getting as close as humanly possible.

“That was amazing.”

Her eyes fluttered closed. She wanted to stay awake longer, to enjoy this moment, but sleep was overtaking her.

“Yeah, it was. If you don’t mind my asking, why in the hell did you think you had a problem with sex? What kind of idiots have you been dating?”

She was starting to drift. As she did, the closeness she felt to Ben drew words out of her she’d never spoken to another human being.

“It wasn’t their fault,” she murmured. “It was me. When I was eleven, my uncle Jeffrey—”

She stopped. Even half-asleep, warning bells went off in her head, and every instinct she possessed made the words stick in her throat.

Beside her, Ben went absolutely still. “Your uncle Jeffrey what?” he asked after a moment.

She woke up a little bit more. “It’s nothing. It was a long time ago. It’s not important.”

“Jessica.” Ben put a little space between them and shifted so they were face-to-face. “What did he do?”

She swallowed. Would it be so terrible to tell him?

Maybe not. Maybe it would be all right for one person to know—one person she trusted as much as she trusted Ben.

“He would stop by the house sometimes when my parents weren’t home. He’d send the nanny out with Vicki and then, when we were alone . . . he would touch me.”

Ben closed his eyes for a moment. When he opened them again, he said, “Your uncle . . .” He stopped and started again. “Your uncle molested you?”

She recoiled at that word—at the ugliness, the darkness, the shame coiled inside it.

“No! He wasn’t violent. He didn’t . . . he didn’t hurt me. It was only touching.”

A spasm tightened the muscles of his face. When he spoke again, his voice was low. “I don’t think I ever met this guy. Jeffrey, you said? Where is he now?”

Something in his tone raised the hair on the back her neck. “He died of a heart attack a few years ago.”

Ben was quiet for a moment. “Do your parents know what he did?”

“No,” she said. “Nobody does.” She paused. “It didn’t happen very often. It ended when I was thirteen, after he moved overseas. It’s not a big deal. I mean . . . it was so long ago. I’m not traumatized or anything like that. It didn’t affect my life at all, except—” She looked down for a moment. “Except that sex has been hard for me.” She looked back at Ben. “That’s why I’m so glad that you—that you and I—” She swallowed. “That tonight happened.”

Ben slid his hands into her hair, brushing his thumbs over her cheekbones. His eyes roved over her face with an intensity that made her catch her breath.

“So am I,” he said huskily. “That was the best sex of my life, Jess.”

Her heart soared at those words. Unless . . .

“You’re not just saying that because of what I told you? Because you think I’m damaged or something?”

He shook his head slowly, his eyes bright. “I don’t think you’re damaged. I think you’re incredible. I think you’re brave, and beautiful, and so damn sexy I want to make love with you all over again.”

Relief flooded through her. Telling Ben her secret hadn’t changed the way he saw her. “I think I need to rest a little before we do that again. Is tomorrow soon enough?”

“Yeah,” he said. “Tomorrow will be good.” His hands moved to her shoulders, and he pulled her close. “How’s this for good news? We have a whole week to look forward to.”

She slid her arms around his waist and nestled against him. “That sounds promising,” she murmured.

“Yeah, it does.” He held her tighter. “Go to sleep, sweetheart.”

Sweetheart.

Her eyes were closing again. “Good night, Ben.”

“Good night.”

C
HAPTER
E
LEVEN

J
essica looked like an angel with her fair hair scattered over the white pillow. Her eyes were closed; her breathing was slow and even.

Once he was sure she was deeply asleep, Ben slipped noiselessly out of bed, went into the bathroom, and closed the door behind him.

He turned on the shower with shaking hands. He stepped under the spray, braced his arms against the tile, and bowed his head beneath the water.

The intensity of his emotions threatened to rip him apart from the inside.

He’d just had one of the most passionate sexual encounters of his life. His need to give pleasure to Jessica had been like a fire burning in his blood, and only his greater need to make sure he didn’t come on too strong had kept his primitive side in check.

Then Jessica told him her secret, and another instinct had taken over.

The urge to hurt someone for hurting her.

It was a good thing the man who’d done that to her was already dead, because otherwise he might have done the job himself.

But there were other people to blame. Her parents, for not protecting her . . . and for not being the kind of people that Jessica could confide in.

And her friends, including himself, for not figuring out that something was wrong.

He thought about her weight gain in junior high and the self-hatred she’d so often expressed. Then he thought about her subsequent weight loss and her rejection of her past self.

A lot of that, if not all of it, must be related to the sexual abuse she’d survived. But it had never occurred to him that she might be dealing with a traumatic event. He’d been just like everyone else in her life—unwilling to look beneath the surface of her behavior to what might have caused it.

This wasn’t the first time someone had confided a history of abuse to him. Students would sometimes trust a teacher when they couldn’t trust anyone else, and that meant he’d heard some horror stories. He’d done his best to help, taking action when he could and providing support and a safe space when he couldn’t.

A string of phrases ran through his mind. Remember that it’s about the survivor, not you. The focus can’t be on what you feel. If you show shock or devastation at what someone has gone through, you risk adding to their shame and guilt. For their sake, you have to stay strong.

And most difficult of all: remember that this isn’t your problem to solve.

Never had all that advice seemed so impossible to follow. Never had he so desperately wanted to fix something he couldn’t fix—something Jessica hadn’t asked him to fix.

Something she didn’t think needed to be fixed.

The shower wasn’t helping. An inferno of rage still burned inside his heart, and there was no outlet for it.

Just like Jessica had had no outlet for her fear and confusion and pain all those years when he could have—should have—been there for her.

But blaming himself wouldn’t do any good, either. He needed to put his own feelings aside and focus on Jessica.

She didn’t want him trying to fix her or heal her. She’d only asked for one thing, and by God, he was going to make sure she got it.

The best sexual experiences he could give her.

He woke up when Jessica stirred in his arms. For a moment he held her tighter, as though someone were trying to snatch her away from him. Then he woke up fully, realized what he was doing, and let her go.

She rolled onto her back and smiled at him.

“Hi,” she said, her voice a little shy.

He reached out and brushed the backs of his fingers across her cheek. Her skin, warm and rosy with sleep, felt softer than silk.

“Hi,” he said.

The covers had slid down to her waist, and he enjoyed the luxury of gazing at her naked body in the light of day. Not satisfied with looking, he trailed his hand down over her collarbones and onto her breasts, relishing her sudden intake of breath and the way her nipples puckered and tightened.

She gazed at him for a moment, her eyes wide and dark and her lips parted. Then she looped an arm around his neck and brought him to her for a kiss.

At the feel of her soft mouth and sweet body, he hardened in a swift erotic rush. He rolled her onto her back and broke the kiss, dragging his mouth down her neck and between her breasts and onto her flat stomach.

Her muscles tightened and her hands slid into his hair.

“Ben!”

He looked up and grinned at her. “Yeah?”

Her golden hair was scattered over the pillow and her face was flushed pink.

“I don’t know . . . I’m not sure . . .”

“I want to taste you, Jess. I want to feel you come apart under my mouth. Do you want that, too?”

Her eyes widened and her flush deepened. “Ben,” she whispered.

“Is that a yes?”

When she didn’t answer, he shifted his weight and settled between her legs, his hands on her hips.

“I’ll beg if I have to, sweetheart. Because I’ve never wanted anything like I want this.”

Her lips parted but no sound came out.

“Tell you what,” he said softly. “If it’s a yes, just nod. You don’t have to say a word.”

For a minute she just looked at him, and he could see her anxiety warring with her desire.

Then, slowly, she nodded her head.

That was all he needed. He pulled the covers away from her lower body and feasted on the sight of her naked before him, soft and strong and nervous and excited and so goddamn tempting he didn’t know how he could rein himself in enough to take this slow.

But he would find a way. Because after last night, he knew that giving Jessica pleasure was the most powerful aphrodisiac he could ever experience.

He put his hands on the insides of her thighs and pushed them wider, making room for himself between her legs. As he gazed down at the soft, delicate folds of her center, he felt Jessica’s anticipation as intensely as he felt his own.

Then he lowered his head.

He tasted sex and sweetness and the tang of desire, and as his tongue teased out all her secrets, finding the places that made her writhe and moan, his heart was pounding so hard it made him shake.

When she arched her back with a sudden gasp, he drove her higher, using his thumbs to spread her wide as he flicked his tongue against her throbbing flesh again and again until—

She cried out his name as she came apart, pulsing and throbbing against his mouth until he thought his own body would explode.

He touched her more softly as she came spiraling down. He licked and kissed his way back up her body, relishing every gasp and quiver and quake, until he lay at her side brushing her hair away from her flushed face.

“Oh my God,” she said, staring up at the ceiling. “I mean . . . oh my
God
.”

He grinned. “So that was okay for you, huh?”

She rolled onto her side to face him. “That was incredible. Do other women know about this?”

A rush of affection mingled with the lust that still heated his body. “This is definitely something that women tend to enjoy, but it’s not always like that.”

She tucked her arm under her head. “Why not?”

“I have no idea. It’s a mystery.” He paused. “All I know is that it takes guts to make yourself vulnerable like that. To let someone touch that part of you. I couldn’t make you feel good if you didn’t let me, Jess. If you didn’t trust me.”

“I do trust you,” she said softly.

For a moment she just looked at him, her eyes delving into his, and he wondered what she was thinking. Then she reached out a hand and ran her fingers along his jaw.

“You’re all stubbly,” she said.

“Yeah?”

She nodded. “I like it. It suits you.”

He grinned at her. “I didn’t scratch you?”

“Yes, but in a good way. A really, really good way.” She started to say something else and then hesitated.

“What is it? What were you about to say?”

She curled her hands under her chin in a way he found completely adorable. “I thought maybe I could experiment a little.”

Her gaze strayed down his torso to the waistband of the sweatpants he’d put on after his shower last night.

His body had calmed a little in the last few minutes, but now he felt himself growing hard.

“Experiment how?” he asked, his voice low and gravelly.

“There’s something I want to do that I’ve never done before. I want to make you come with my mouth. If you’ll let me.”

He closed his eyes for a second and then opened them. “If I’ll
let
you? You made me hard as a goddamn rock just by saying that.”

She looked delighted. “I did?”

“Yeah.”

“So . . . I have your permission to experiment?”

In that moment, he knew he would never meet another woman who could be so sexy and so adorable at the same time.

“I told you last night I’m here for you, Jess. And if that means being your sexual plaything, well, then, I guess I can put up with it.”

Her smile widened, and it made him so happy to see her happy that his heart ached a little.

He felt like he would sell his soul to ensure that she could stay that happy for the rest of her life. But it looked like the only price he had to pay right now was his virtue.

She rose up on her knees and tugged the blankets down. Then she put her small hands on the waistband of his sweats and tugged them down, too.

He helped her by lifting his hips. After she’d tossed the sweatpants on the floor she knelt beside him again, looking him over from head to toe.

After a moment her eyes flicked back up to his face. “You have a really good body,” she said, and he grinned.

“You think so? Well, thanks. I’m a fan of your body, too.”

“We’re doing you right now,” she reminded him, leaning forward until the waves of her blonde hair brushed against his chest. She put her hands on his shoulders, leaned down farther, and pressed her lips to his breastbone. Then she wriggled farther down the bed, kissing her way to his abdomen.

He groaned.

“Is this okay?” she asked, looking up at him.

“Hell yeah. But sweetheart—”

“Yes?”

Unable to resist touching her, he ran a hand through her hair. “I should probably warn you . . .”

“Yes?”

“I’m about ready to explode. I don’t want you to be, uh, surprised.”

“I appreciate the heads-up,” she said gravely. “That’s very considerate of you.”

Then she slid down the bed and took him into her mouth.

He swore out loud and closed his eyes. When she wrapped her hand around his base and squeezed, his hands fisted in the sheets.

Women had gone down on him before, and he’d always enjoyed it. But this was different.

This was Jessica. This was Jessica, taking her time with him the way he’d taken his time with her.

Exploring. Experimenting. Making him feel so damn good he—

“Ben?” she asked, and he opened his eyes again. The sight of her looking up at him like that, his cock in her hand and her soft lips just inches from his fevered flesh, almost made him come then and there.

“Yeah?” he managed.

“I want you to tell me what you like.”

Anything you do,
he started to say—but then he stopped. He could tell from her expression that this was important to her.

“I like when you use your tongue,” he said roughly. “And . . . you can grip me harder, if you want.”

She nodded. “What else?”

“It feels good when you take me deep. But if you don’t like doing that . . .”

She didn’t let him finish. She dipped her head and took him in again, and this time the head of his cock touched the back of her throat.

“
Jessica
.”

She was all over him, hands and mouth and tongue. She went harder and faster until the explosion came, almost blinding in its intensity.

He lay gasping, emptied out, covered in a light sheen of sweat and sex.

He was vaguely aware that Jessica was lying beside him again, trailing her hand down his chest.

“I really enjoyed that,” she said, sounding both pleased and surprised.

When he had his breathing under control again, he managed to form a sentence.

“It was pretty good for me, too.”

He’d never come with so much feverish urgency. He rolled onto his side to face Jessica, cupping her face in his hands.

“Thank you,” he said.

“You’re welcome.”

The absurdity of that polite exchange after what they’d just experienced seemed to hit them at the same time, and they grinned at each other.

Ben pulled her close and stroked her hair, loving the silken texture against his hand and the soft weight of her against his chest. She made a noise of satisfaction, something between a snort and a sigh, and he held her a little tighter as a surge of protectiveness went through him.

He couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt this happy.