Apart at the Seams (2 page)

“Tell them it's a little gem of a school in the Midwest with a gorgeous campus modeled on Magdalen College in Oxford, small classes, a first-rate undergraduate psychology department, and a fabulous study-abroad program, and that the gymnastics coach is very excited about Emily. Tell them that you and Mark considered a number of colleges, including many in the East, but came to the conclusion that St. Michael's was the best fit for Emily. Tell them that you decided that your daughter's happiness was more important than being able to brag about getting her into the Ivy League.”

“Yeah,” Sandy replied in a scoffing tone. “Because they're really going to believe
that
.”

Sandy laughed, and I did, too, but I knew that at least part of her was dead serious.

I liked Sandy. I liked most of the parents I work with, but sometimes . . . well, you just have to wonder. Considering all the problems that teenagers can have and all the trouble they can get into, why isn't it enough for Sandy to have a bright, pleasant, athletic, above-average daughter? Why are so few of my clients content with that? And when did getting a child into the “best” college get to be a competition among the parents?

When? At about the time people like me figured out people like Sandy would pay good money to anyone who could help their children receive fat envelopes from the small list of prestigious schools that will impress their friends and validate them as parents. I went into this line of work because I wanted to help kids and their families keep their priorities straight, to avoid making the same kinds of mistakes I made, but it's gotten all turned around. Somehow I've become part of the problem.

“What about Skidmore?” Sandy asked. “Do you think she'll clear the wait list?”

“Why would you want her to? We always meant Skidmore as a backup option, remember? It's a perfectly good school, but not as good a match for Emily's personality or interests. And they don't have a gymnastics team.”

“I know, but at least people have
heard
of it.”

I closed my eyes and quietly pounded my head on the padded headrest of my desk chair. The only thing you can do with clients like Sandy is let them talk it out. She'd come around. But I hoped she wouldn't take too long. I had to meet Lanie at the Monkey Bar at four forty-five and pick Brian up from JFK at seven-thirty. Wait. Was I supposed to pick him up at seven-thirty? Or was it seven? I pulled a Post-it out of the dispenser and scribbled myself a reminder to call Emily at the corporate travel agency and confirm Brian's arrival time. Then I closed Pinterest and opened the word-processing program, thinking I might as well edit a couple of essays while Sandy talked.

But somehow instead of opening my files, I ended up opening Brian's, and when I tried to get out of that folder, the screen froze. I tried hitting escape, but it didn't help. I just got that spinning color wheel, the one that appears when the computer is loading, thinking, or simply mocking you. After a minute, I started hitting random keys quickly and repeatedly, growing more frustrated by the second, not caring where my commands took me as long as it was far from the rainbow rotations of that stupid wheel.

If I'd realized what was going to happen next, I might have thought twice before I started smacking those keys.

The wheel stopped spinning as suddenly as it started, and a series of documents, written by Brian, popped up on the screen in quick succession. The fourth one, the final one, a memo, dated July 2012, was written to me.

 

Subject: Facing Facts

 

Gayla, I'm sure it will come as no surprise when I tell you I am unhappy in our marriage. It's obvious that you are as well and have been for some time.

We were so young and married so quickly, without a true appreciation of how much our personalities and expectations of life differed, that perhaps our growing apart was inevitable. In any case, I don't think there is any point in casting aspersions or placing blame, but I think it is time we faced the facts about our marriage and moved on with our lives.

Before you ask: There is no one else. I did have a very brief affair with someone from work—we met only three times over a two-week period—but I was not and am not in love with her and have ended the relationship. I am ashamed to have treated you and the woman in question so badly. Though I make no excuse for my conduct, I am very sorry for and deeply regret my actions.

However, that episode forced me to take a good long look at my life and myself. I didn't like what I saw. I realized that, as Nate would say, “I don't want to be that guy.”

I don't want to be a man who cheats, lies, or feigns affection for you or anyone else. Though I do think that, in the beginning, we were very much in love—at least I was; I won't presume to speak for you—those feelings have obviously faded. This being the case, if our marriage continues on its current course, I don't see how I can keep from becoming “that guy.”

The long and short of it is: I am lonely. I want to love someone and be loved in return. For a short time, when we first bought the cottage, I felt there was a chance of us reviving what we used to feel for each other, but it soon became clear that this was wishful thinking on my part. And so, to avoid any further indiscretions, lies, or betrayal, as well as to give ourselves the possibility of finding real love (I'm sure you long for this as much as I do), I think we should admit defeat and consider divorce.

I anticipate that we shall end this amicably; after all, we're both grown-ups and since we're finally out of debt and your business is doing well, this shouldn't cause any serious financial hardship for either of us.

Now that the children are grown and gone—you did a marvelous job raising them, Gayla—it probably makes no sense to delay further. Still, I don't want to cast a pall on the wedding, so I'll wait a few weeks before sending this to you.

Once Maggie and Jason return from their honeymoon and have made the move to Charlotte, you and I can sit down together and figure out what we're going to say to the children and how to proceed from here. We can retain attorneys, if you'd like, but I think going to arbitration would be a less expensive and more direct route.

As I said, we can discuss. Perhaps early September would be a good time?

 

Divorce? He wanted a divorce?

And he'd written me a
memo
about it?

I scrolled down to the end of the file, thinking that there had to be more to this, that it must be a joke, some kind of macabre man-humor that one of his coworkers had copied off the Internet, or that he was taking up creative writing or was working on a screenplay, or that it was . . . anything but what it appeared to be.

I read the whole thing again.

“Oh my God . . .”

It was real. It
was
exactly what it appeared to be. Brian wanted to divorce me.

Sandy, whose voice had become a white whir in my ears, finally stopped talking. “Gayla, are you all right?”

“No. I mean . . . yes.” I closed my eyes, trying to steady myself. “I'm just not feeling very well. Could I call you back later?”

“There's no rush,” she said in an uncharacteristically patient voice. “Tomorrow is fine. Are you sure you're all right? You don't sound like yourself. Something you ate?”

“Probably. I've got to go. Tell Emily I said hello.”

“I will. And listen, Gayla, about Skidmore—”

I didn't wait for her to finish. I couldn't. I hung up the phone, ran down the hall to the bathroom, and threw up.

T
urning on your computer in the morning and finding the “black screen of death” instead of the essay that you stayed up to the wee hours writing is usually a pretty good indication of how the rest of your day is going to go.

“No,” I declared in my most authoritative tone, the one I use to let the kids know that I have had about all I can take and that if they try to push me further, they do so at their peril. “You are not doing this to me. Not today. Boot up,” I demanded, stabbing various combinations of buttons on the keyboard. “Do it now.”

Nothing. Damn.

“Bethany!” I shouted. “Can you help me? I can't get the computer to turn on!”

It's kind of humiliating that I have to call on my eleven-year-old for tech support. I'm only thirty; I grew up in the digital age. I should understand these things. But I also grew up in a poor school district with no computers, ran away from home when I was sixteen, got pregnant at eighteen, married the same year, had another baby at twenty-two, ran away again at twenty-four, taking the kids but leaving my abusive husband, and spent months on the run before landing in New Bern and finally freeing myself of the abusive husband.

In the midst of all that, I missed a few things, skipped a few steps. But I'm doing my best to make up for lost time.

Bethany, who was in the bathroom, shouted back, but I couldn't make out what she was saying. I hissed at the black-screened computer, gave it an evil glare, and went in search of my daughter, only to be met by Bobby, my seven-year-old, who almost ran me down in the hallway.

“Mommy? I need twenty-two empty toilet-paper rolls.”

“Today?”

He bobbed his head. I closed my eyes and pinched the bridge of my nose, that spot where my headaches always start. This was not going to be a good day. Definitely not. I did an about-face and headed for the garage with Bobby trailing behind.

“Why didn't you tell me before?” I asked as I pried the top off the plastic bin where I keep empty toilet and paper towel rolls, egg cartons, and oatmeal boxes—the stuff of which elementary school art projects are made.

“I forgot.”

Of course he did.

Bobby is my baby, so sweet you could spread him on toast. He's also the most forgetful child on the face of the earth. Seriously. He forgets to take his lunch and bring home his spelling words. He forgets to brush his teeth, wear underwear, and turn off the faucet. Also to take the plug out of the drain, which can be a problem.

Bethany wasn't like this when she was seven. Of course, Bethany grew up fast. She had to. I still feel bad about that, but I'm doing the best I can, trying to make up for lost time.

I dug through the bin, counting cardboard toilet-paper tubes. “We've only got twelve.”

Bobby's eyes went wide. “But I need twenty-two! I was supposed to bring them on Wednesday but I forgot! Mrs. Oneglia said if I didn't bring them today I'd have to stay in at recess. What am I going to do?”

“I guess you're going to stay in at recess,” I said, snapping the lid back onto the bin.

“Couldn't you go to the store and—”

“Bobby. I am not buying ten rolls of bathroom tissue and pulling the paper off them just so you can have the empty tubes. I'm sorry, Bear, but you're just going to have to man up and face the music this time.”

Bobby's eyes filled. I felt terrible, but I have to start being a little tougher on Bobby. It's not easy. Every time I look at his face, I remember that happy, chubby-cheeked toddler wearing that knitted brown hat with the teddy bear ears on the top, the hat that spawned his nickname, Bobby Bear—Bear for short—and I just want to squeeze him.

I've babied him too much, I know. I guess I just wanted him to have an easier time of it than Bethany. She doesn't like to talk about it, but she remembers how it was living with her dad. She saw him hit me, felt my fear, remembers the day he hit her too. She remembers running, living in shelters and the car, afraid that he'd find us one day, afraid of what would happen when he did.

Bobby doesn't. He was only eighteen months old when we ran. Bobby is carefree, happy-go-lucky, and I've wanted to keep him that way. Maybe a little too much.

“Honey, you've got to start planning ahead. Maybe staying in at recess will help you remember to do that next time.”

Bobby sniffled and swiped at his nose with the back of his hand. Little boys can be so icky.

“Okay,” he mumbled and trudged off, shoulders drooping. Poor baby.

“Wash your hands!” I called to him before resuming the search for my daughter.

“Bethany,” I said when I found her, standing in the kitchen, staring at the toaster. “The computer won't boot up. I've got to print out my paper before class tonight. Can you fix it?”

The toaster dinged, and a pastry popped out of the slot. Bethany grabbed it. “Can't. There's an early rehearsal for the spelling bee.”

“For a spelling bee? What's to rehearse?”

Bethany pulled a paper towel off the roll and wrapped the breakfast pastry in it. “I don't know. Mr. Zwicker said that all the finalists have to be there, or we don't get to spell. You're coming, aren't you? It's at two-thirty.”

“Of course,” I said. Truthfully, I'd forgotten about it, but I knew that Evelyn, my boss, would be fine with me taking off an hour. That's one of the nice things about working in a quilt shop. The money isn't great, but Evelyn understands how hard it is to combine work and motherhood.

“That's not all you're eating for breakfast, is it?”

“No time,” she said, and slipped her backpack onto her shoulders. “And there's nothing in the fridge anyway.”

I tore a banana from the bunch sitting on the counter. “Here. Take this with you. What am I going to do about the computer? My paper is due tonight. I was up until two finishing it. When I turned on the computer, it flashed for a second and then—”

“Mommy,” she said in her best teen-in-training, “adults are idiots” tone. “Did you save the document?”

“Yes, right before I shut down.”

“Then you're fine. Just get into the Cloud when you get to work.”

“The Cloud?”

“It's this big, shared memory that lets you access your documents from any computer and backs everything up automatically. Drew installed it a couple of weeks ago, remember? Never mind,” she sighed, realizing I had no clue what she meant. She grabbed a scrap of paper and a pen from the junk drawer and scribbled out a chain of letters. “Just go to this address, log in with this user name and this password, look in the file, find your paper, and print it out.”

“Thanks, Bethy.”

Bringing the banana that she'd left on the table, probably intentionally, I walked her to the door and kissed her good-bye. When I went into the living room, Bobby was sitting cross-legged on the floor, watching television.

“I washed my hands!” he announced.

“Thank you. That's very—”

I stopped and tipped my head to the side, hearing the sound of rushing water. By the time I ran into the hallway, water had breached the bathroom door and was beginning to pool on the wooden floor.

“Bobby!”

Not a good day. Not at all.