April Shadows (14 page)

I tried to avoid looking at Celia, because every
time I did. I thought
I
saw her smug, la
^-
low-it-all
smile. Everything she had predicted about me came
true in her eyes. Brenda was obviously watching
every move I made to be sure I treated Celia like some
sort of royalty out of appreciation. Everyone
complimented me on the eggs. and I finally sat and
had one egg with a glass of juice and some black
coffee. I ate sparingly just to please Brenda. Mama
kept urging me to have something more. I told her I
had nibbled on a bagel in the kitchen. I hadn't. but I
could see Brenda believed I had.
Afterward. Mama surprised me by agreeing to
go for a walk with Brenda and Celia. The rain had
stopped, and now it was a crisp, sunny, late-fall day,
the kind of day Brenda loved to greet with a five-mile
run. I remained behind to clean up. I was supposed to
join them, but by the time I had everything done. I
heard them coming back, Apparently. Mama had
balked at walking too far and returned instead to make
her bed and clean the house. She claimed it was her
day for vacuuming, but lately every day was her day
for vacuuming.
"She grew panicky as soon as we were five hundred yards from our property. Doesn't she go for
walks at all anymore?" Brenda asked me.
"Not that I know, I'm in school most of the
day."
"She's become agoraphobic," Celia said. "What's that?" I asked quickly.
"She gets panic attacks, anxiety probably
stemming from deep depression. I learned about it in
my introduction to psych course last semester," she
added. "That's why she wasn't so upset last night
about our not going out after all."
Brenda nodded.
"What should we do?" I asked, developing
some panic myself. "She might need some
professional help. Brenda," Celia said.
"Yes. Before we return to school. I'll have a talk
with her and try to persuade her to see someone,"
Brenda said.
They went to her room to talk about it, leaving
me out as if I were too young to understand. I went to
make my own bed and straighten up my things.
Shortly afterward. Brenda pulled me aside and told
me
I
should personally thank Celia for helping me last
night. She practically pushed me in her direction. She
was sitting in the living room, flipping through a
magazine, and looked up when I entered.
"I want to thank you for helping me out and
getting that camera and film." I said. It was still
embarrassing for me to talk about it in front of her, "Oh, it was nothing. I was happy to play
a
role
in it." she said. "Besides. Brenda was the tough one." I looked at my sister. She had given Celia all
the credit. "We're sort of used to taking on males like
that, aren't we. Brenda?"
"Yes," she said. "But you better watch your rear
end now. April." she warned. "Expect them to give
you a hard time. Just ignore them, and after a while,
they'll get bored and move on to drowning cats or
whatever those sorts of people do."
Celia laughed.
"Come on," Brenda urged her. 'Before we meet
my old teammates. I want to go to the school. There's
a special basketball practice today. and I want you to
meet Coach McDermott. He's the reason I'm in
college ball today," she added.
Moments later, the two of them were off again.
This time. Brenda didn't even suggest I come along. I
moped about all day. After she vacuumed most of the
house. Mama sat in Daddy's old chair and dozed or
glanced at the television set, vaguely interested in whatever was on. It didn't seem to matter much. When she saw me, she talked about making lunch, but I told
her I was just having an apple, which was all I did eat. About two o'clock, my phone rang. I was
hoping it was Brenda telling me she was going to pick
me up to do something with them, but it wasn't
Brenda. It was Jenna Hunter. As soon as I said hello,
she went off on me.
"Listen, bitch," she said. "If you or your dyke
sister and her girlfriend take David's camera to the
police, you'll be very sorry. I'll testify that you
practically begged Luke to have sex with you." "I'm not going to the police,"
I
said. "but it was
a terrible thing you did to me, and you'd better stop
saving those things about my sister. Just because she's
a great athlete, it doesn't mean..."
"You were just afraid because you're just like
her.
It
wouldn't have been so terrible for you, and you
might have learned to appreciate boys,' she said.
laughing. '"Remember my warning." she added, and
hung up.
My hand was trembling holding the receiver.
There was one thing
I
sure wasn't looking forward to
doing, and that was returning to school after the long
Thanksgiving weekend, Just the thought of it made
my stomach tingle with tension.
Brenda finally did call, but not to have me meet
them. She wanted their last night to be special, as
special as the night before was supposed to be until
I
ruined it. She didn't say that, but
I
read between the
lines. Celia and Brenda had decided to take us all out
to what once was our favorite restaurant. Dickson's
Steak House. Mama agreed. but
I
could see the
sadness flowing under her face as memories of Daddy
taking us all there returned. She was actually
trembling.
There were many times when he had called to
have us meet him after some court action. Most of the
time, he was jovial, having done well, and it was
always a party. As
I
looked at Mama returning to
Daddy's chair. I thought how horrible it must be for
her now never to have that sort of happiness and
excitement in her life. Unless she met and married
someone new who was just as wonderful to her, she
would be forever sitting and staring at her memories.
She would become a different sort of couch potato.
Her mind was jammed full of reruns and replays.
Nothing new loomed on her horizon except for what
we brought home to her, and I wasn't exactly winning
ribbons and awards of any kind.
I felt so helpless, because I didn't want to cry in
front of her or make her feel any worse than she
already felt by sympathizing with her and pointing out
her sadness. For me, it was like watching someone
sinking slowly in quicksand while I was unable even
to hold out a helping hand. All I could do was stand
nearby and see her disappear.
Brenda and Celia both did all they could to
cheer her up later. They had obviously planned some
sort of strategy to help Mama overcome her
agoraphobia. They burst back into the house full of
energy and laughter. Brenda was more talkative than
ever, describing her reunion with her old coach. "I even coached the team for him for a while." "She was great," Celia testified. "She gave one
side a play she uses at college, and they were
unstoppable. Mr. McDermott was pretty impressed. I
hope you can get yourself and April to one of the
games in Memphis. Nora," Celia told Mama. "Oh, we will, we will." Mama promised, but it
was so weak and thin that no one believed her. Later, Mama tried to find every excuse for us
going to dinner without her. She had nothing decent to
wear. She was tired. She would only be a drag on our
happy evening. Celia and Brenda invaded her room and actually picked out her clothing for her, chatting away all the while and drowning out any reluctance Mama could express. They practically carried her out
to the car, laughing off Mama's reluctance.
They kept up their merriment at dinner. Every
time there was a quiet pause, one or the other would
jump in with a story, a joke, a comment, forcing
Mama to participate, be happy, eat, and drink wine.
Daddy was practically not mentioned at all, but that
didn't stop Mama from gazing around as if she
expected him to arrive any moment, just as he used to
when he was meeting us after court business. Twice.
Brenda caught my eye, and we both knew what she
was doing and feeling.
We went home relatively early, but Mama
showed fatigue and excused herself to go to bed
almost as soon as we walked through the door. Brenda
and Celia stayed up talking with me in the living room
about Mama's condition and how I had to do all I
could to keep her from shrinking,
"After a while, she'll even limit how much of
the house she'll go into," Celia predicted. Brenda
listened intently to her every word, as if she were a
licensed psychiatrist. "She'll get so she won't even
come out of her room. She'll have you bring her meals
there."
"No, she won't. That's not going to happen," I
cried. It was on the tip of my tongue to add. You're
not a psychiatrist. Stop pretending to be one, and
with
my mother, too! But I didn't say it,
"Just call us if anything like that starts to
happen," Brenda said. "She promised me she would
see someone, and I'll follow up on that. You'd better
make sure you're around as much as you can be, and
don't get into any more trouble. April."
It was then that I told them about Jenna
Hunter's calling me and threatening me. I left out the
remarks she had made about her and Celia.
"Don't pay any attention to her threats. She's the
frightened one who's just trying to put on a good
front. It's over. April," Brenda said. "Consider
yourself lucky this time. If you do something that
stupid again, you might not be so lucky."
"If they do bother you to such an extent that
you can't stand it. then go to the dean of students,"
Celia suggested.
"They'll get even meaner if I do that," I whined. "So, don't do it unless you absolutely have to do
it," Brenda said. "Just do what I said, and ignore them.
You'll see. They'll get bored and leave you alone." "We'll call you every week to see how things
are going," Celia promised.
I didn't want to look grateful, but I was. I just
wished it had been Brenda who had said it and not
Celia.
Finally, we all went to bed. They were up early
to have their breakfast and start back to college. They
had things to do, they said. I couldn't blame them for
wanting to get away as quickly as they could. It was
too demanding to be in a house full of so much
depression. After all, how much laughter and how
many smiles could you force before being exhausted
with the effort?
I stood by Mama as she hugged them both in
the doorway. Celia promised to return but tried again
to get Mama to promise to come to Memphis. I was
waiting and hoping they would invite me. Finally,
almost as a last thought. Brenda suggested it quietly,
out of Mama's hearing.
"If things are such that you can get away for a
weekend. April, we'll have you visit. But you've got to
be sure things are okay with Mama first," she said.
"She needs you. You've got to watch over her. I'm
depending on you to do that, and that's why I don't
want you getting yourself into any sort of new trouble.
understand?"
I nodded.
"She's going to be fine," Celia said. "Well call
you," she assured me again.
In the end. I had to smile and kiss her good-bye.
She surprised me by holding on to me and whispering,
"You'll be okay. honey. You'll be okay."
I watched them get into their car, wave, and
back out of the driveway. They were gone in
moments, and suddenly. I felt cold and realized how
dark and cloudy it had become. Mama had already
retreated from the doorway. I felt like running after
them. I felt like running away.
Those days of wishing time would freeze were
long gone forever for me now. If anything, minutes
took too long to become hours, and hours took too
long to become days. I wished instead that I could
close my eyes and when I opened them. I'd be
Brenda's age, getting into my car and driving off to
college or to anywhere but here.
By the time I walked back into the house.
Mama was settled in Daddy's old chair. She wasn't
crying, but she might as well be. I thought. Maybe
there is such a thing as dry tears that trickle down
your cheeks and settle around your heart, invisible
tears, but just as hot.
I retreated to my room to complete my
homework for the next day. We had a light supper.
Mama ate less than
I
did.
It
had been only a few hours
since Brenda and Celia had left, but she was already
back to her meager appetite. Maybe out of
nervousness, maybe to get her to see she should eat
more. I ate everything in sight, even part of her
portion. I offered to clean up, but she wanted to do it.
She said she needed to be occupied.
Afterward, she joined me in the living room to
watch television, but she showed little interest in
anything I could find.
Eventually, she rose and left. She didn't go to
her bedroom. however. Instead. I found her sitting in
Daddy's office, her back to the door, gazing out the
window. In her hands, she held a picture of him and
herself taken on their honeymoon, which she had
found buried under a box of old papers.
"Are you all right. Mama?" I asked her. She
didn't answer. so I asked again, and she turned the
chair to face me.
"What? Oh. yes. I'm fine, April," she said. She
forced a smile. "I'in just thinking about things. It's
nothing. Go on to bed. Don't worry about me. You
girls shouldn't worry about me."
I wanted to say. But I am worried about you,
Mama, and even more so with Brenda away and
occupied with her own life, her sports, and her new
close friend, but I didn't say anything. I nodded
instead and left her encased in her own melancholy. I
sensed that there was little I could do to draw her out
of it. and I hoped that somehow she would find the
strength to put it aside and go on. Maybe it was right
to pressure her to see a therapist, and soon, because
maybe he could cure her. I realized my hope was
selfish. I wanted her to go on for me now.
That night. I tossed and turned and fretted in
and out of nightmares, worrying about my return to
school and facing David. Luke. and Jenna. As it
turned out. Brenda wasn't wrong. They looked my
way, but except for their smiles and whispers, they
didn't bother me. Maybe they thought Brenda and
Celia would be back immediately, or maybe, as