Armed And Dangerous (The McKinnon Legends - The McKinnon American Men Book 2) (19 page)

“Barbara, I swear I have not slept with anyone except you since we got together.” He was being honest. He wanted her to know.

Christ, he thought. He could feel her hurt piercing him as she flung it at him, confirming his deepest fears. By trading that single trace of blood with her, he had knitted them together and completed the bonding circle. It was a trait running deep in his family genetic makeup. The introduction of the trait went back to Morgan Pembridge, the seventh Duchess of Seabridge. Her marriage to Nic McKinnon introduced several supernatural traits into the McKinnon bloodline. Even this far removed from the original source, the gene was still strong enough to become dominant from time to time. Being uncertain of whether he carried the dominant gene or not, he should have never slept with her or taken that risk.

“You are a sorry liar, Mason. What was I thinking to hook up with someone like you?” She held her hands up in exasperation.

“Barbara,” he warned with that single word.

She wasn’t listening. The dam had broken, and she had to let it go. “Sniff a little estrogen and off you go.”

To both their surprise, she was crying. The tears were real as she hugged herself trying to keep the rolling emotion at bay.

Now, he was really heated because she was just telling him how she really felt. She had never made a secret of her displeasure of his lifestyle. She had just always been more covert in her criticisms. This time the gloves were off. If she wanted a public show and reason to leave there were plenty of reasons now, she acknowledged. And not one of them was erroneous or contrived.

This scene was real.

“That is how you really feel about me, isn’t it?”

His question was met with silence.

“Isn’t it?” He grabbed her arms and lightly shook her when she did not immediately answer. “Answer me, damn it!”

She nodded in the affirmative.

He abruptly let her go and backed away from her.

“You think I have nothing more to offer a woman than a sweet roll between the sheets? Is that it?”

He wanted her to say no. He wanted her to say she understood he was more than just a player, more than just an adrenaline junky. He wanted her to respect him as a man and as her friend. There was more to him than just a good stud service. He wanted her to see that there was more to him than she could possibly see, and given a chance, he could prove it to her.

“I am not one to say what I don’t mean,” she managed.

They were at an impasse. She saw he did not understand what had just happened between them.

“Oh, Mason. Can’t you see? I want so much more for you, for us, but you are incapable of giving me what I need. You treat women well, but there is more I need from the man in my life than a good time. I want a faithful man, something I’m not sure you are capable of becoming. You love your women too much, and who could blame you. Look at you, you are a magnificent man, and it is your Achilles heel.”

He was torn and conflicted to his marrow. Part of him wanted to be that man and to get down on one knee to beg her to forgive him for all his past transgressions. The other half, however, was still stronger and wanted to tell her to go straight to hell.

“You think you know me, Barbara, but you are blinded by who you think you see and who you want to see. It’s more convenient to believe I have no more depth to me than a beer bottle cap. News flash, Lady, I am who I am, and depth and breadth can be deceptive.”

He seldom ever apologized to a woman for his behavior. Actually, he rarely ever needed to apologize to a woman because he did treat his women well. He had done nothing to wrong her. He had done nothing to warrant this reaction from her, and more importantly, she had no rights to question his behavior even if he actually bedded a dozen women. She was his cover, not his wife. She had no right to pass judgment having been unfaithful to Lula herself. They both lived in a glass house. He tried never to throw stones at anyone else because he recognized his own shortcomings better than anyone. He certainly didn’t need her to point them out to him. He balanced with those shortcomings every day he lived and breathed.

He pulled his emotions back into check, feeling this to be counterproductive. “Fine. Go. Stay. I don’t give a shit. You knew how I was when you agreed to this,” he added under his breath.

“Yes. I did know how you were. I’ll admit I came into this with some deep-seeded and preconceived notions. You have proven most of them wrong. Oh, Mason,” she cried. “I have seen layers to you which I’ve never seen before. That just makes this all the harder. I have glimpsed and touched the loving and wonderful man and husband you could be, but refuse to become. It is breaking my heart.” She put her arms around his neck. She held him, hugging him. She needed to feel him close, so she buried her face into his chest and breathed deeply, taking a little bit of him inside her. This was it. Any closeness and friendship they had created was probably totally fractured.

He didn’t need the connection to her to know he was breaking her heart. But it was not because she loved him. It was because she unselfishly wanted more for him. It was a feeling he was unfamiliar dealing with and was not sure how to respond. Her desires were for him to have a better, fuller life.

Well, his life was just fine in his opinion.

He pulled her arms from around his neck, pushing her away. “I don’t need your pity or your self-righteous indignation.”

She wanted Mason to be able to feel deeply, to love and give of himself beyond a superficial affection. She was crying, not for herself, but for him and what he was missing by not having the capacity to love genuinely, totally, and without reserve, committing to just one woman. His life would be meaningless in the long run. And she should know. It was the life she, too, was living.

“I’m leaving you,” she stammered over the words forcing them from her lips. Turning her back to him and doubling over from the pain, she hit the ground with her knees sobbing for the first time in years.

It had to be the stress, she reasoned. There was no reason why her reaction to this scene should be so strong. She and Mason were just cover for each other in this mission to save Jesse. They were nothing to each other beyond the mission.

Mason felt his knees buckle and his gut tighten at her declaration. Like it or not, they were a bonded pair, and he remembered what it felt like to see her fall in his dream and die in his arms. He lost her, and he was losing her now. Maybe not to death, but she was slipping away all the same. He was losing a woman he never had the right to claim in the first place. He was falling in love with this woman, and it made him feel out of control. He had to stop this descent into the depths of the hell he called commitment. It was a place he could not and would not go. His life had no room for just one single woman. Not when there was so much out there. He was not willing to give into the power pulling them together. Besides, she was not in love with him. She was in a committed relationship with someone else, and she was not interested in him even if she did have sex with him.

He pulled her to her feet again and held her to him.

I’m sorry
. Two little words that might help, yet he could not say them.

She stepped away. “Enrique how far can we get tonight,” she hollered across the camp with tears still streaming down her face.

He came running. “Señora McKinnon, it is too dangerous to travel tonight. The rain is coming and there could be flash flooding. Besides, the Señor has paid me to do a job, and I will not be leaving without the Señor.”

“I’ll double what the Señor has paid you,” she offered. “Just, please, get me the hell out of here,” she begged. She found she really did need to get away from Mason and the feelings she was beginning to develop for him. He might be breaking her heart now because she wanted more for him. However, if she stayed, he would break her heart because of the things she wanted for herself that he would never give her.

“No, a deal is a deal.”Looking over at Mason, Enrique declined Barbara's offer and was confused by this scene in the middle of the jungle.

Mason held up his hand reacting much more calmly than he actually felt. Time and training had taught him to remain calm in a crisis and fall apart later if he really had to lose it. “It’s all right, Enrique. It’s looking like Mrs. McKinnon and I need a separation. I think the conditions are too much for her given she is running a fever and not feeling well. So, take her wherever she wants to go, but not tonight, and that is an order. Even as upset as I am right this second, I don’t want to have you go off into the night like this.”

“But sir,” Enrique tried to argue. He had a lot invested in this and wanted to see his family avenged.

“I understand your concerns, Enrique. Really, I do. However, for my peace of mind, I think it is best if you leave in the morning. Just make sure that Barbara gets on the first flight to Dallas, but only after she sees a doctor about her leg.”

Maybe it was best they separate for a while. He needed to put some space between them to figure out how to get her out of his system. He felt things with her and for her which he could not fully understand, needing space to sort it through. He needed to be able to place time and space between them to get his perspective back.

“Señor, what of your trip,” Enrique asked questioning the drastic change of plans.

“We will achieve our objective. Fredrick and Pedro can take me the rest of the way. We are close as it is.”

“Give me the damn keys.” She held out her hand to Enrique, annoyed how they were talking about her like a child or worse, someone who was not even there.

Mason took a chance and stepped closer to her. If the need actually arose, he was fully prepared to tie her down. Not the smartest move that he could make, he felt certain. Nevertheless, he would do it to keep her and the rest of the guides safe. He had learned a thing or two about his bride in the last several days. She was gutsy, impulsive, and just independent enough to try to execute a nighttime jail break from the camp.

“Don’t be rash, Barbara. You don’t have the skill or energy reserves to traverse this terrain by yourself in the dark.” Mason felt her resolve as it traveled across his skin.

She turned on him, her demeanor cool, calm and collected. He was seeing the woman she had chosen to let him see for years. Her warmth and fire were gone, hidden behind the facade of cold and sarcastic. She shut herself completely off from him as he felt the walls of separation closing like iron gates around her soul.

It was a feeling he was going to have to get used to. It was as if she were completely shut off. He could see her, yet he could not touch her emotionally. Had he not been standing right here assured by her physical presence, he might have felt panic. It was difficult not being able to touch her life force. When they were in sync, it was strong, and he could feel it pulsating powerfully in his soul.

He could no longer feel the connection which had been steadily deepening and growing over the last twelve hours. He understood what it would feel like to have her completely gone from his life. It left him empty and cold.

It would probably be better that way, too. He would just have to deal with it because one way or the other they were done in his mind, heart, and soul. For that one split second, that was exactly what he thought and believed. He was convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was the best thing for them. He believed that until she stepped close enough for him to feel the heat rising from her body. He felt his heart quicken and the surge of adrenaline spike in his blood just by her mere presence. She was a rush greater than any hairpin curve, a pressure on his insides more forceful than any dive under water, and a high greater than the ragged cliffs of Everest.

“You have no idea what I can or cannot do, Mason. For starters, you never bothered to ask, and secondly, you did not want to know to begin with. You are just as guilty as I am of living with preconceived notions. It was just more convenient and comfortable to assume I was just plain, old Barbara. Now… give me the damn keys.”

There the whole time as witness to the unscripted scene, Carmen casually handed Barbara her set of keys to the jeep, seeing an opportunity to have Mason to herself. She took a step back at the look on his face.

“Oh, hell no! You interfering wench. You didn’t just give her those keys!” He was more than just angry. He was livid, shaking with a fury at Carmen’s audacity. Now, if he left Barbara at the camp, she would likely leave, tear off into the night in a beat up jeep, and possibly kill herself in the process. If he carried her with him, she could be killed all the same. It was a lose-lose situation.

Damn Robert for putting her into this situation and damn her for being strong enough to take this mission on without reservation or the slightest bit of hesitation.

“Give them to me, Barbara.” Not one bit amused, he asked her to give him the keys to the jeep.

“No.” She was not giving an inch in this battle of wills.

Wow, he thought. This has gotten way out of hand.

“Give me the damn keys!” He raised his voice.

“No.” She put them into her pocket.

“Now, you’re being childish.” He wrestled the keys away from her trying not to hurt her in the process. It was a task more easily said than done. She was fighting mad and taking no prisoners. The level of intensity of the fight was battle pitched. She was holding nothing back.

Well, neither was he. He was sorry she had forced him to manhandle her. However, she gave him no other alternative. He finally got her down on the ground in a light submission-hold, digging the keys out of the front pocket of her jeans.

“Get off me, you son-of-a-bitch!” she barked. She was embarrassed at how she had lost control of the situation. She really did not like to make a scene. This was just such uncharted territory for her that she just had no idea how to react. It was just her emotions driving her.

“Gladly!” He helped her up. It was the least he could do since he put her on the ground in the first place. “I’m sorry, but you are one stubborn wench,” he said as he wiped a smudge of dirt from her face. She slapped at his hand.