Around the World in a Bad Mood! (19 page)

W
HENEVER I GET GOING
on one of my rants people often ask me, “Why don't you quit?” And do what? I mean, how would I pay all my bills and my rent? What else would I do where I have to work only twelve days a month and I can do whatever I want with the rest of my time? I mean, let's say I want to go to London to see the opening of a new play, or to go visit my best friend in Miami for a few days, or maybe take a trip to Africa. Now all I have to do is find a flight that has an open seat and I'm on my way.

When I began this flight attendant endeavor I was going to give it six months, maybe a year. Then I blinked my eyes and seventeen years had passed! I've invested so many years in it that I would be crazy to quit now. This is the type of job that improves with time. When you start out, you're at the bottom of the barrel and have to pay your dues by being on reserve, moving to a new base, earning low wages, and flying difficult trips. But as you move up the seniority list, your lot in life gradually improves. Suddenly you have five weeks' vacation, your salary increases, you can fly the kind of trips you like, bid the positions you like on the aircraft, and you can work your twelve days a month. You don't have to deal with office politics, and if you are working with someone you don't like, it's never really for more than a few days. After that, you may not see them again for another two years. Ninety percent of the passengers are tolerable and the other ten percent you can easily avoid. You don't have to spend a fortune on office attire because you have your all-purpose uniform! So what if you have to wake up at 3:00
A.M
. or stay up all night on occasion? So what if you have to pick up garbage all day long and perform other meaningless tasks? At least you don't have to take the garbage home with you. The moment you step off that airplane you're free, and that's a fine feeling. Besides, I'd be willing to bet that I'm not alone in having to perform meaningless tasks on the job.

This flight attendant job is more than just a job. It's a lifestyle that gets in your blood and, truth be told, it's hard to quit. It's sort of like golden handcuffs—even though you may want to leave, the benefits and lifestyle make it impossible to do so. That's why so many people stay with the job for thirty years or more.

I know a flight attendant who lives in Denver, gets her hair cut in New York, visits her parents once a month in Tampa, has a new boyfriend in Tulsa, and still has her teeth cleaned by her childhood dentist. Last time I ran into her I asked her how things were going and she replied, “I am
so
busy with everything I hardly have time to fly my work trips!” Some of the flight attendants who are mothers tell me they love to take their trips just so they can get away from the kids for a few days and enjoy the simple thrill of an uninterrupted bubble bath or room service.

Another flight attendant friend of mine, who has been flying for about five years, takes wonderful vacations. He has learned how to take his vacation, let's say for ten days, then manipulate his regular flying schedule so that he can add another ten days to it. Sometimes he can arrange ten to fifteen days off and that's without even using vacation time. Of course, he probably flies work trips back to back for ten days straight in order to have those long blocks of time to himself. He recently took a trip to Thailand with another flight attendant, and he's also at work on assembling a collection of his photographs for a book he wants to have published. Some other places he went last year include Kenya, Prague, and Belize—not bad for a twenty-eight-year-old who probably earns about $30,000 a year. If he were working in the corporate world, he would probably make more money, but he'd never have the time to travel.

As for me, well, there is a certain splendor in being able to jet off for three or four days to Europe or Asia, or anywhere in the world for that matter, not knowing what will happen on the trip. The flight attendant job has also given me the inspiration to write my little musical comedy show, and you know that old saying, misery is the mother of all humor. If I were to leave the industry, where would I get my material, not to mention my audience? Aside from that, though, being a flight attendant has certainly influenced my personality. In addition to meeting and working with people from all around the world, being a flight attendant has given me an inner confidence. I mean, if I can successfully serve fourteen first-class passengers (usually businessmen) when there are only eleven meals on a flight that is two hours late and none of them are aware of the fact that I'm three meals short, I can do anything! I have also developed the patience of Job, probably from the millions of delays, misunderstandings about seat assignments, long lines, and having to wait for wheelchairs to meet the flight for our wheelchair passengers. I have also learned to work as a team member. When the weather is turbulent, and you have only two hours to serve a hot dinner, a complete cocktail service, and after-dinner coffee to two hundred people, everyone has to carry his or her weight. There's no time to discuss it . . . you just knock it out. I have also had the opportunity to witness human nature at its worst (no one willing to give up their aisle seat to an elderly woman with Alzheimer's traveling alone), and human nature at its best, which is usually something very simple (like the time we were short two meals and a woman and her child in the back row were not going to get anything except an apology and a bag of nuts, and the two people in the row in front of her offered to give up their meals). I've also had the good fortune to work in an industry where most of the other employees are terrific. For the most part they are fun, hardworking, honest, and make the difficult aspects of the job a lot easier to bear. I've always maintained that if you have a good crew, you can survive anything that may come your way.

Of all the traits I've developed from being a flight attendant, though, the most important would have to be humility. There is nothing like taking a walk down the aisle of an airplane a few hundred times a day asking people for their garbage and then saying “thank you” when they give it to you. I've also learned—and really believe—that there is a dignity in service, and sometimes in this disposable, instant-gratification-obsessed, self-absorbed society in which we live, it's easy to forget this. There's something intrinsically rewarding about helping a little old blind man to his seat, going out of your way to assist someone who is lost at Kennedy airport and who does not speak English, or taking care of a crying child who is traveling alone. I remember one woman whose husband had just died of a heart attack in the airport earlier that afternoon. She was on my flight later that day, on her way home to meet her children. She didn't want to sit in her seat so I invited her to sit on my jumpseat in first class and tried to comfort her during the flight while serving dinner to a full ship. When I see people with these kinds of problems I try to treat them as I hope others would treat my grandparents or my children if they were in the same situation. Grace under pressure, dignity, tolerance, and patience are some of my favorite qualities, and being a flight attendant has certainly helped me develop these qualities. So, when people inquire as to whether I plan to quit the job anytime soon, my answer is
no
. Because for all the mechanical delays, weather delays, oversold flights, canceled flights, early wake-ups, missed holidays, jet lag, sleep deprivation, antiquated air traffic control systems, lousy food, fleabag hotels, and unhappy travelers, it's still a great job. Besides, I've given this industry the best years of my life, so I'm also going to give them the worst. I'll fly until I drop . . . which might be soon!

A
ROUND THE
W
ORLD IN A
B
AD
M
OOD

JFK to O'Hare, Fresno, Fargo, Eau Claire,

Memphis, L.A., down to Birmingham. . . .

All in day? Every step of the way.

Around the world in a bad mood!

Instead of seeing the world and all of its sights,

I'm picking up trash and breaking up fights.

Hoping to God there's some leftover booze.

Around the world in a bad mood!

Airports are crowded, the people are rude,

Lines never-ending, wear sensible shoes.

Carry-on baggage not worth what it weighs,

Oversold flights and weather delays.

(Those damn weather delays, sometimes they last for days.)

This ain't worth what it pays!

It was snowing all day, every flight was delayed,

I met a strange man bound for Amsterdam, we popped

Quaaludes, I woke up tattooed.

Around the world in a bad mood!

Where is the glamour? I gotta know where.

Times are a-changing up here in the air,

All of the clamor that can't be subdued.

Cheap, chintzy portions of horrible food

(I hate cheap chintzy food)

Do you have to be rude?

(Can't stand aeroplane food)

Puts me in a bad mood.

I got bumped off eight flights, I've been here three nights

Trying to get home from Timbuktu.

I slept on the floor, I can't take no more!

Around the world in a bad mood. . . .

Hoping to God I don't come unglued,

Around the world in a bad mood.

Whatever I do, I always get screwed.

Around the world in a bad, bad, bad mood!

W
E ARE NOT AT
the gate yet, so please remain seated with your carry-on bags stowed until I acknowledge some of the people who have made the show and the book possible.

This book is based on a musical comedy that I wrote in 1998 and I'm very grateful to the many people who have helped me with both. So beginning with the show I send heartfelt thank-yous to the following individuals: Michael McFrederick, my collaborator and the composer of all the fabulous music in the show, for encouraging me to write lyrics and keep going forward, and for his sense of humor. Tom Mills, for his fine direction and encouragement and also for his patience and understanding with a first-time writer who presented a lot of her material to him on airplane cocktail napkins. Collette Black and the terrific staff at Rose's Turn, for all their support and kindness to the cast and crew of
Around the World in a Bad Mood
. All of the talented actors and musicians who've made countless contributions and helped to bring the ideas, songs, and characters to life: Terry Dunn, Dana Fialco, Erik Hill, Erin Romero, Dave Horak, Suzanne Adams, Kerri Aldrich, Jennifer Winegarder, Hector Coris, Nicole Taylor, Julia Barnett, Woody Regan, Tracy Stark, John Flynn, Dan Chouinard, and especially Lou Rudy, who has been my calming influence and the best friend a girl could ever hope to have, for taking all the risks he has taken. Before
Bad Mood,
he had never appeared onstage, and now we can't get him off the stage!

Jennifer Bowles—Designer Extraordinare.

I am also very grateful to the journalists and other people in the media who have taken an interest and either written about the show or invited me on their programs to promote it. I know the show would never have gone on this long without the help of their interviews and articles, so thank you: Larry Zuck­erman, Leslie Eaton, Edward Keating, Tim Russell, Kristin Til­lotson, Jayne Clark, Joe Sharkey, Margo Adler, the BBC,
Minneapolis/St. Paul Magazine,
Simon Hirschfield, Tom Brokaw, Minnesota Public Radio.

With regard to the show my thank-you list would not be complete if I overlooked the importance of the help, guidance, and encouragement I have received from different theatrical associates. First of all, to Dean Seal and the Minnesota Fringe Festival—having the opportunity to play on the big stage at the Music Box Theatre in Minneapolis was such a wonderful, fun experience. Also, to all the people at Richard Frankel Productions/Scorpio Entertainment for their enthusiasm and their willingness to take a chance in developing the show and helping me take it to the next level.

Keep your seat belt on, I'm not quite finished! That was just the show, now on to the book!

I absolutely have to thank Jennifer Lang and everyone at Hyperion Books for all their support and interest. I still can't really believe I've written a book. Thank you for the golden opportunity.

I also have to thank my trusted legal advisors, beginning with Jason Baruch, who has helped me navigate the stormy sea of contracts, copyrights, and collaborator agreements. I'd be lost without you. Also, to Mr. Ernie Lindstrom and all the folks at the Lindstrom Law Offices who have been advising me over the years about so many things, but most recently about I'll Be Right Back Productions.

Of course, I thank all my longtime friends and my family for listening to me, putting up with my crazy antics and my wacky moods (it is probably jet lag), and supporting me in all my creative endeavors. Also, very special thanks to Patricia Bowles, Helen Jordan, K.O., Peter Spelke, Jon Austin, John Heenehan, Harold Spelke, and of course, O'Malley and Suzi.

Above all I want to especially thank the many flight attendants, pilots, and other airline personnel throughout the world who have shared their stories and experiences with me. I'm glad to be part of such a diverse, hardworking, fun group of people. I'm so grateful to the many of you who have come to the show and encouraged me to keep going and supported me on so many levels. This book is for you—happy landings!

For more information about the performance schedule of
Around the World in a Bad Mood
, call (212) 712-8702.