As I Am (6 page)

Damn. He’s spot on there, too. Although, I’m the exception. Me. Her sister. I have always trumped any situation regardless of where it left her reputation with certain people.

Alright, he’s got me interested. He’s the first guy who seems to really want to be my friend.
My
friend. Not Addy’s. And he’s here, talking with me … not her.

“And what about me?” I ask softly.

“You’re loyal and committed … to a fault. A beautiful girl with a beautiful heart. When you’re focused on something, everything else seems to fade away, like the fact that Amy walked away three minutes ago and you didn’t even notice.” Miller takes a step closer to me and my pulse begins to race as our eyes burn together in the glow of the fire. “Am I close?”

“Very.” My chest heaves with my racing heart and shallow breathing. He just said I was beautiful. I must be dreaming
… or maybe Miller is from some parallel universe where people who look like Addison are unattractive and people who look like me are beautiful. I think that was an episode of The Twilight Zone. That’s it. I’ve entered into The Twilight Zone.

“There you are!” Cal’s voice bellows toward us, breaking Miller and me from the trance we were locked in. Miller takes a step back and turns slightly as he takes a long pull from his drink. “I was looking for you when Addy pointed you out
over here.”

“Here I am,” I stutter.

“You’re that Miller guy, right? I’m Cal.” Cal extends his hand to Miller and they share a friendly shake.

“Yeah.” Miller’s answer is short. “Nice to meet you.
Later, Kinley.”

“Ok
ay.” I watch Miller walk away and turn my thoughts back to Cal. Yes, Cal. The guy who I have had a crush on since last summer. The guy who is now into me. But for some reason I can’t let Miller walk away. “Wait!” Cal looks at me with confused eyes. “It’s the first night. We should all hang out together!”

“Um
… sure. If that’s what you want to do,” Cal says hesitantly.

“Great!” I tug on Cal’s arm and begin walking toward a waiting Miller
, who is smirking.

Miller keeps walking toward our
friends once we meet up with him.

I’ve got to be the stupidest girl on earth not to take this opportunity to go off with Cal. I’ve had a crush on him since last summer. What is wrong with me? There’s just something about Miller. He wants to be my friend and I would feel bad about abandoning him into Addison’s overly aggressive arms.

“What are you doing, Kinley? I thought you and Cal were going for a walk?” Addy whispers in my ear with her signature lack of discreteness.

“We were, but we thought it’d be more fun for us to all hang out together. I mean, Mia and Miller are new but they’re staying in The Lodge, so we should get to know them better. Don’t you think?” I propose to the group.

“I think that’s a great idea,” Pete says immediately. He’s not a fan of how forward Addy is. He told me at the end of last summer that he had thought about going after her but got totally turned off when she slept with Ryan the first night of camp. He said he’d find her more desirable if she would take it down about fifty notches. That was the first time I ever heard a guy say that her easiness was not a turn-on.

“Yeah, Miller. Where are you going to school? Fill us in!” Bridget asks him while Addison glares at her.

“Oh, well, um, okay. I just finished my first year at SCAD. That’s the Savannah College of Art and Design,” he says.

“Oh my gosh! I looked at going there! They have a great photography program, but my dad thought I should put my inquisitive mind to better use in journalism.” I roll my eyes as I consider the number of conversations Dad and I had about this. He tried to make it sound like he wanted me to make the “right” decision on my own, but ultimately won out when he told me he wouldn’t pay for me to go to art school.

“They do! I have a couple of friends in that program and they love it. It’s a shame you don’t go there. We could have met a year ago.” Miller smiles at me longer than Addy likes because she’s quick to poke me in the leg.

“You just finished your
first year? I thought you said you were twenty-one?” Matthew asks.

“
I wasn’t ready to start college right away,” he explains briefly without looking at anyone in particular. He twists his bottle around in his hand before taking a quick swig from it.

“
Too much pressure, huh?” Cal counters. “You should have just manned up.”

“I’m sure it wasn’t the pressure. Miller seems like a very talented artist
, well prepared to take on the challenges of art school when he was ready,” I say out of some need to defend him. “Besides … Addy and I are twenty and technically should be starting our junior year, not our sophomore year.”

“That’s different, Kinley. We were
preemies and started school a year later than everyone,” Addy says, not sounding exactly like she’s on Miller’s side.

“I’m just saying we’re the same age and I’m getting ready to start my senior year. It doesn’t look good
, if you know what I mean.” Cal nods his head toward Addy like she has some kind of standard for education in the guys she hooks up with. His vibrato is ringing louder than I’ve ever heard it. He’s a pretty tough guy, but I’ve never heard him be rude like that to anyone. It must be because of me. We were all set to take our walk and I diverted our attention to Miller.

“It wasn’t the pressure of school. I had some personal things going on and I needed to take care of them first
,” Miller replies to Cal with smooth and flawless calm. “I’m at the top of my class and I’m pretty sure my being twenty-one and a rising sophomore doesn’t look back to everyone.” He looks straight at me and my cheeks burn. Is he trying to make Cal mad by indicating some kind of interest in me?

Cal leans forward and contemplates hi
s next move with an intimidating pose. “Let’s take that walk now,” I say to Cal, trying to diffuse the situation.

“Yes, Kinley, why don’t you do that?” Addy emphasizes. “Here. You can have my flashlight. I’m sure Miller won’t mind making sure I don’t walk back in the dark.”

“Yeah. Let’s do that.” Cal smiles at me, seeming to move on from the awkward confrontation he and Miller just had.

I look at Addy and she smiles as she hooks her arm through Miller’s. Taken off
-guard, he looks at her but she doesn’t notice him. She’s too busy driving home the point that Miller is hers, Cal is mine, and there is to be no confusion about that.

Cal and I
walk in silence for a little bit and finally settle in on some rocks near a clearing that overlooks Lake Hollis. The moon is pretty bright tonight so there’s this really cool glow being cast over the scene. I instinctively pull out my camera to see if I can capture the radiance of the night. I’m so caught up in the moment of taking the perfect picture that I almost forget Cal is sitting next to me on the boulder. When I come back to the moment, I rest my camera in my lap and try my best not to be a photographer right now.

He doesn’t say anything about Miller, and I certainly don’t bring him up. I have no idea what just happened back there, but it cannot happen again.
I can’t believe Miller did that! My blood begins to boil at the thought of what he could have ruined. If Cal thinks that I’m interested in Miller then he’s going to run, and I can’t blow thing this early on.

“So,” he says, breaking the silence. “Anything you’re hoping Fellows will assign you?”

The moment is awkward as I bring myself back. I have to focus on Cal right now. I never thought that’d be something I’d have to work to focus on, but I’ve never done this before, so I guess I have a bit of a learning curve.

“Actually, Mr. Fellows asked me to be the official camp photographer. They’re redoing the website and brochures and want some new pictures. They also want to feature the scholarship kids, so I’m going to get to take pictures for the next six weeks,” I tell him happily.

“Oh, that’s right. You already told me that. Sorry! That’s great, Kinley! I’m happy for you! You must be really excited,” Cal says, mirroring my enthusiasm.

“I am! Thanks! It’s going to be great for my portfolio and will give me a lot of experience. I’m already thinking of some of the activities where I think I can get some great shots of the kids.” I smile and then silently tell myself to shut up. I could talk for hours about photography so I have to consciously hold back. “What about you? Anything you’re hoping to get?”

“Well, I’m pretty sure Fellows is going to put me at the rock climbing wall again. You gotta have strong guys like me holding the ropes. Makes the kids feel more secure, and, let’s face it, some of those kids are
not
on the small side,” he chuckles. I give a breathy laugh with him but feel a twinge of pain at his statement. He wasn’t being malicious, but I feel for those kids. I know what it’s like being the kid that is “not on the small side.”

“Right,” I say.

Awkward silence.

“It’s so cool the way everything is glowing,” Cal says.

“Yeah. I was thinking of taking some more pictures, but I didn’t want to be rude.”

“That’s not rude, Kinley. That’s your passion. If we were sitting by a dam I could probably talk about hydro engineering as much as you could talk about photography.”

I let out the breath I’d been holding. Things were feeling … off. But now it feels like maybe we can pick up where we left off in our emails.

“So, you don’t mind?” I say with a hint of hesitancy.

He smiles. “Can I help?”

I smile back. “Yes!” I
pick my camera up and slide over to the rock on my left. “I feel like there’s a great shot here, but the branches are in the way. I mean, sometimes it’s cool to get the view through the leaves or branches, but I really like the way the moon is reflecting off the water. Do you think you could hold the branches back for me?” I ask after my rambling.

Cal doesn’t say anything. He’s just looking at me, smiling.

“What?” I ask.

“You’re just cute.”

My heart immediately pounds in my chest and swallow hard as I bite my lip. Cal Harper just said I was cute. Holy. Crap.

We spend the next
thirty minutes moving around the area working to get the best shot I can. I try not to lie down completely flat on my stomach because I’m positive it is a very unflattering position and that’s the last view Cal needs to have of me. But, I notice him watching me while I work and he always has a smile on his face. It’s nice and makes me feel good.

What I don’t feel is
a spark.

I know it’s only the first night, so I suppose I should have a more realistic expectation. We’ve emailed for months, so we kind of got a lot of that getting-to-know-you conversation out of the way. Maybe this felt more like work for me than a date
… or whatever it would be classified as. But, beyond those butterfly feelings of just being alone with Cal, I’m not sure. Maybe I expected fireworks when what I should have been looking for is just the box of matches to light them.

I promised Addison I’d be open, though, so I’ll be open. This whole scenario is new to me and I’m sure I’m just not reading things right.

I pack my up camera and think for a few minutes about what to say or do as we begin to make our way back to The Lodge. The bonfire has either gone out or is on its way out because we can’t see it from here like we did earlier so Cal is using the flashlight to light our way.

“So
…” I begin. “What are your plans? I mean, you’re going into your senior year. When do you start looking for a job, or are there a dozen recruiters already clamoring for you?”

“Ha! I’ve got some options. The most appealing ones are appealing for different reasons and it’s a tough decision,” he tells me.

“Oh, yeah?”

“Yeah. There’s a firm in Colorado that has been interested in me since I went out there with a team to evaluate some turbines. I solved a problem they were having and now I’m at the top of their list to recruit. It’s a great job and a ridiculous amount of money.” Cal shakes his head with uncertainty.

“But …”

“But I don’t know if that’s what I want to do
,” he finishes.

“What are your other options?” I ask.

“Well,” he says, perking up. He hasn’t said anything yet and I already know that whatever he’s about to tell me is the option he should choose. Just the thought of it makes him happy. “There’s this new company in Seattle. It’s nowhere near the kind of money Colorado is offering, but they’re just starting up and I think I like the idea of getting in on the ground floor.” Cal stops talking when we hear the sounds of someone getting sick behind a tree.

“Ahhh,” we hear the girl’s voice sound. “I want to die.”

“Hey … you need some help?” I ask as we approach her.

“Tiffany?” Cal says and I recognize her as the girl I’ve seen him with a few times today. She’s a pretty girl with long strawberry
-blonde hair and a petite frame.

“Oh, Cal
…” she manages before she hurls again.

I pull a small rag I keep in my camera bag to wipe off everything from my camera to an object I’m shooting. “Here,” I say as I hand it to Cal. He hands it to Tiffany and she wipes her mouth off.

“Okay, let’s get you back to Gateway and you can sleep it off. Lucky for you we don’t have to be anywhere until lunch tomorrow,” he chuckles.

“Oh, god, don’t say lunch,” she moans.

With that, Cal scoops Tiffany up in his arms like the featherweight that she is and carries her back to her cabin, I shove down feelings of complete and total inadequacy and reason that his ability or inability to pick me up the same way has no bearing on wherever our relationship goes.

“I’m going to get her settled. Hopefully she doesn’t have a top bunk,” Cal
jokes as we approach Gateway Cabin. Most everyone has gone in for the night, not to go to sleep, but to take the party indoors. It gets pretty chilly in the evenings out here and no one really knows how to maintain the bonfire. I took my cardigan off while Cal and I were climbing around on rocks so I could get some great pictures and now I’m feeling the chill.

“Right, well
… I guess I’ll see you later then,” I say, sure I should be saying something other than that. “Oh, you might want to have a chat with Tiffany about over doing it. The Fellows’ trust us not to go overboard.”

“
Got it,” he says with a nod. “I had fun with you tonight, Kinley. Thanks for letting me help you with the pictures. It was cool to get an insider’s view to what you do.” Cal smiles and I look at him holding this beautiful, albeit drunk, girl in his arms. “I’ll catch you tomorrow at lunch?”

“Sounds good. Goodnight.”

“’Night.”

Cal turns and heads down the path to the front door of Gateway Cabin and is inside before I can even turn around myself.

“Well, that was interesting,” I say to myself. Wait. He’ll see me tomorrow at lunch? How long does it take to get one drunken, passed-out girl into bed?
Stop obsessing, Kinley!

I shift my camera bag on my shoulder and walk up the steps to The Lodge, not letting my mind wander into speculative places.

My friends all seem to be here in the common room. I avoid making eye contact with anyone and go directly upstairs to put my camera away. I don’t feel like taking anymore pictures tonight. I’m tired and even contemplate if I’m going to go back downstairs.

Sitting on the edge of my bed
, I take my sandals off and consider my options. I could put my pajamas on and load the pictures I took today onto my laptop, ripping them to shreds for how much better they could be. Of course, I’ll have to explain to Addy why I didn’t want to be social. Or, I could go downstairs and just hang out like a normal person.

Alright. Normal person, it is.

Leaving everything where it is, I walk downstairs and go straight to the kitchen for a drink. Not a
drink drink
, but something with the purpose of actually quenching thirst. The Fellows stock our fridges with sodas so we have something cold to drink when we arrive. Snacks and unauthorized contraband beverages are on our own. The Fellows have a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy, but like I told Cal to remind Tiffany, we don’t go overboard. I’m not really a drinker. Addy says I’m a goodie-goodie, but her tone changes from condescending to appreciative when she’s sloshed and needs a ride home.

I walk past a group of newbies and pull a cold individual bottle of soda from the fridge. Opening it
, I take a sip and replace the cap as I move into the common room. Pete, Matthew, and Amy are sitting on the couch while Carrie and Bridget are standing next to them in front of the fireplace. I don’t see Addison anywhere, or Miller. I guess she achieved her mission. Good. That’s … good.

“Hey
, Kin!” Carrie says.

“
Did you just get back from hanging with the douchebag,” Amy asks.

“You
and Cal Harper,” Bridget says with disbelief. “You’re way too good for him, Kinley.”

“Why does everyone think he’s a d-bag?” I question defensively.

“We don’t think he’s a d-bag, Kinley,” Matthew says, nudging Amy. “Not really. We just think you can do better.”

“Thank you, Matthew.
You guys just need to get to know him. He’s really nice and smart, and, well, he likes me, and you have to admit, I’m not exactly the type of girl he normally goes for.”

“Kinley
…” Bridget starts.

“We’re not talking about this. Ok
ay? Okay. Besides, there’s nothing to talk about. Whatever it is Cal and I are doing is newer than a kitten: it hasn’t even opened its eyes yet!” At least that’s all I can say about it now. He was sweet with me tonight, but I still didn’t feel any real spark like I thought I would. And I can’t shake the whole thing about him telling me he’ll see me tomorrow instead of later after he got Tiffany settled. What is that?

“Whatever
you say,” Amy says with a tight lip.

“Good. Now, what were you MENSA members discussing when I walked up?”

“Pete was just betting that he could get Dave to bust another door down,” Matthew says.

“Really? That’s not much of a bet. Didn’t last year’s door get knocked down because you bet
Dave the same thing during the drinking game?” Last year’s drinking games were basically versions of Truth or Dare. Since I don’t drink, I didn’t have to tell the truth or accept a dare, which is good because most of the dares had to do with making out, and most of the truths had to do with how sexually adventurous you were. They guys always manned-up on their turns, always taking dare when the challenger was another dude. A lot of stuff got broken.

“Actually, he busted the door down last year because he had to pee really bad from all the drinking during the game. So, technically, I guess you could say it was because of the drinking game, but
…” Matthew explains with a laugh.

“Hey!” Addy says, saddling up beside me. “Where’s Cal? Did you two have a good time tonight?” she asks in a sing-song voice.

“Hey. Oh, yeah, we had a fun. He helped me take some pictures. There was this awesome glow on Lake Hollis an
d
‒
‒
”

Addy cuts me off and grabs my arm. “Excuse me
, everyone. I have to chat with my sister really quick!”

Whisking me through the house and onto the front porch, Addy about pulls my shoulder out of its socket. “What do you mean he helped you take pictures?
You
worked
?” She’s let go of my arm and now has her arms folded accusingly across her body.