As Meat Loves Salt (73 page)

Near me on the grass lay two piles of clothes, dirty and less dirty, and one of the washballs I had meant to offer Caro, but in the end had kept for myself. No one knew where I was, for this cleansing was my secret celebration.

The dairy was complete, and there would be no more of that particular misery. Ferris had wanted windows, frames spread with cloth, so that the place might have more air and light than was needful for the other huts. Jeremiah said it would weaken the sides. We had struggled to shape and fit the things until Ferris, exasperated, flung down a hammer, almost crippling Jonathan, and I said only a fool would dream of windows in such a place. he yelled at me that he had proven himself a fool over and over again, and then suddenly quietened, seeing the others' faces.

We finished with two windows, facing one another for ventilation. The roof also had been done as Ferris wanted, though Jeremiah and myself still thought it would not endure. Jonathan had nailed cloth to the inside of the planks, proof against creeping things. That was a refinement I approved of, as one morning I had found a large spider in some milk I had begged from Susannah and had flung the cup away over the furrows before casting up all the milk with much retching. The creature had seemingly not enough time to impart its venom to the milk, for I did not fall sick, yet the disgust it caused in me took many hours to go off. The marble was also fixed in place, and by its side a stone sink. The sisters-in-law had brought the churn and butter pats out from the tent. I guessed they were that minute at work, laying out their tools and perhaps training p Hathersage to the mystery.

By lying back in the water I was able to lower my head into it until my ears were under the surface and my face an island. Gazing at the transfigured trees above, I heard the strange throb and squeal underwater as I scratched the scars on my thigh. When I closed my eyes the noise filled my skull.
Suppose,
I thought,
a man were to drown
—

No, no. I jerked upright and began rubbing the washball on my head. It did a poor job, but took of some of the stink from my skin. I thought of Ferris, dirty and clean, and his smell. By the time I had rinsed out the hair I was in London and he was sitting astride my lap. I made myself finish my wash and stand up. Lonelier than a solitary ape, I shook out my seed on the grass.

I wondered did Ferris do likewise. Did he think of me because he could not help it? I saw no weakening in him. Far from giving way, he had sprung or sidestepped every snare I had laid. Once, working opposite him, I surprised him in a look of longing but directly he met my eyes his face closed and he changed places with Jonathan. During the construction of the dairy he had suffered some renewed pain from his shoulders, and had to rest a day. I had therefore waited and gone in to him in the morning, when the others ere abroad in the field, for I knew that he could be lascivious on waking. On seeing me come in he had sat up at once and bidden me leave his hut.

'Let me just ease your back,' I had begged, only to be told that should I stay he would call out. Walking away from the hut I heard him put the wedge in the door. He often did this now - I knew that, for I had heard the others talking of it one day as we hoed. I was working a patch on my own and the other three were a few rows off.

'So what do you reckon he's up to in there?’ The voice was lowered but I knew it for Jeremiah's, salacious and relishing.

Jonathan answered, 'Where I don't know I don't judge. But it seems to me—'

He broke off. I heard Susannah's voice, low and urgent, and concluded that she had silenced him. But, I thought, neither of the men seemed to know he was keeping me out, or they would have spoken much more quietly than they did.

That day of weakness was the only one when he did not go to the inn for news. Letters came more often than not; brief, for Becs had little time for writing, but to the point.

Susannah and Hepsibah enquired frequently after Aunt, so Ferris took to reading out parts of the letters at the evening meal. It seemed that the patient grew stronger and could speak a few words, only it was hard to make them out. As he recounted such details his voice softened, and since he looked always at the page, I could freely drunk him in through my eyes. These readings were thus some of my happiest, and most painful, times.

Sitting wrapped in the cloth, I waited for my skin to dry off, not yet ready to go back to the rest. Fears distracted me, and there was none I could share them with. All the last fortnight, over and against the futility of poles and sods and planks, I had been sorely tormented by the nightmare. Unable to move, I saw Ferris run over the fields of Hell and there fall, dragged down by demons. The Voice had whispered again and again that my cruelty had made a desert between us, and my deceit would be the end of us entirely.

I was slowly, sadly getting by heart my lesson, namely that I would never again be privileged with him. The secret that was Caro was eating within me, yet how could I open it to him — such an ugly wound as that? I pictured myself telling him of the wedding night, saw his eyes sharpen with bitter understanding, and I shuddered. There remained

but one small and miserable hope. If I waited, practising humility, a day might come that would make us friends again.

The sun was now entirely gone from the wood. Beginning to feel cold, I dressed as quickly as my damp limbs would let me. There would be no talk of Caro. Sloughing off the skin of falsehood would not do, for as the tatters were peeled away the revealed fresh sores beneath. If he would only put his arms round me, press his forehead to mine as Izzy used to, and say, 'I forgive you,' I would serve for him as that other Jacob served for Rachel, not seven years perhaps but all the time Sir George allowed. All he knew now was that I had seized hold of him. He refused to remember that I had loved him soul as well as body, loved him in the army before there was anything fleshly between us. He could not see this, because the first time he found me stretched out and the boys cutting my hair he knew what I might be to him. Cruel, to put the water to my lips and then take it away. My lover was a good man, and passionate, and unjust.

We ate after darkness had fallen for the sake of the cool air. I sat apart, watching the cooking fire and the figure of a woman, who could only be Susannah, moving back and forth as she tended some rabbits being stewed in a pot over the flames. At least, I guessed they were rabbits, since we had rarely anything else.

Jonathan and Hepsibah were on the opposite side of the cauldron, facing towards me: I could see their cheeks all orange. From time to time Jonathan jabbed the air with his finger to give emphasis to his speech. Catherine and Hathersage, shameless, were still in the dairy. I wondered did he have his hand, or something else, up her skirt. Earlier I had heard Jeremiah telling Caro about a Christmas pig-killing he had seen done so badly that the meat had been spoilt, and the slaughterman's head plunged in the midden by the enraged family who had looked forward a whole year to the roast. Caro's squeals of laughter vied for loudness with those of any dying pig. But now the had moved themselves closer to the fire and I was free to rehearse a speech which I could never deliver, a confession and declaration of love in one. I repeated it until the words were grown into my tongue.

A body dropped wearily onto the grass at my side. Ferris. I was at once torn between the pleasure of his sitting there, and the fear that he would soon go.

My friend's face was mostly in shadow, but I could see the liquid gleam of an eye, and the edge of his mouth, curving upwards. A gentle look. I waited like a boy for him to speak.

'It is good to have the dairy finished,' he began.

Aye.'

A weary job. But for you, we'd be at it for weeks to come.' The smile had got into his voice.

My heart quickened. The words were something like praise of my strength, and that way lay everything I wanted. I could not help myself, but turned towards him eagerly. 'I do what I can.'

A few seconds passed. Ferris sniffed and laughed. 'Lavender! You've been scrubbing yourself again?'

'Yes, why not?'

'I never met one like you for washing. You'll wear out your skin.'

'You had your own bed from a boy. I always had to share with others and I didn't like their smell.'

'What, not your own brothers?'

'More when we went for servants. Too many men stinking in one hot chamber.'

'Everyone sweats.’ He said more softly,’ I’ve seen you sweat in your time.'

Something in his voice made me think not of work, but of his thighs and belly slippery against mine. The scent of stewed rabbit blew across the grass, bringing spit to my mouth.

Ferris shifted position and breathed in sharply.

'You are hurt?' I asked.

'Only a blistered foot.'

'Rest it.'

'It is nothing. In any case, I must go for Bec's letter.'

'I will.’ I tried not to sound as if I were begging. 'Let me go, Ferris.'

'That's a thought. Hold, Jacob, I can give you the money now.' He fumbled in the dark and pulled up a purse from his belt. 'Take whatever's here — and some drink at the inn, you'll have earned it.'

His fingers brushed my palm in giving the purse to me.

'Will we ever hear from Sir Timothy Heys, think you?' I asked, afraid he would now go away. My breathing was uneven; I wondered if he heard that.

He sighed. 'No. But Sir George will keep faith all right.'

There was a hollow
bong, bong:
Susannah beating the side of the cauldron to call people to their food. Ferris and I groaned as one, tired after the day's work and almost fain to sleep on the grass rather than rise and eat. We struggled upright. I waited as he stood stretching his arms and legs, until he was ready to walk back with me.

We say down by the fire and I held out his plate for Susannah to put rabbit onto it. She took my own dish with a wrench and gave me no more than anyone else. Usually I hoped she would be the one wielding the spoon for in general she favoured me when there was anything good to be had.

'You have this,' said Ferris after a while, putting half of his rabbit stew by my knee. He sprawled on his back in the grass. Almost at once I heard his breath catch, the beginning of a snore, and his arm, suddenly outflung, narrowly missed the food. I moved the plate away and watched him sleep, so near, so open and undefended, that desire sharpened in me like the knife he had held to my throat.

'Come, Susannah,' I urged. 'I spoke the truth as I saw it, without respect of persons.'

Susannah looked up from the cauldron, which she was scouring as we spoke. I saw charred bones from the previous night's rabbit among the ashes. Fresh little clouds raced across the sky.

'Where's your loyalty?' she demanded. 'All we asked was a piece of stone, and you spoke against it!'

'You still got it,' I said.

'No thanks to my friend Jacob. The money wasn't yours! I guess you wanted him to spend it on you.'

I walked away a few yards to hide my anger. Ever since the debate about the marble Susannah had been cold with me. She was unjust; it had never been my intention to thwart her.

'Susannah, let us be reasonable—'I turned to see her scrubbing the pot so furiously that her cheeks shook in time with her hand. Her jaw was clenched and her skin shiny form hair to breast. I saw from this bodily frenzy that had I been a woman, she would have flown at me. Susannah and I would have torn each other's hair and might well be friends again after. Ferris had once warned me in the New Model that being so big I should bear myself meekly, for a man insulted by me could not strike out and get it over with. When I laughed at this he grew insistent, telling me of men shot by their own side on the battlefield to pay off some long-standing score. Now I saw that women were to men as those others were to me, and this was why they resorted to poison. I stared at the cookpot.

'Even Jane spoke up for us,' Susannah ground out between her teeth.

Before I could stop myself I said, 'Don't get in too thick with Jane.'

'I could say the same to others,' she grunted.

The breath caught in my throat.

Susannah started on the outside of the pot. 'You don't go to him any more, do you?'

'Susannah,'
I implored in a whisper, terrified lest someone in the huts overhear us. 'Don't destroy me utterly for the sake of a marble slab.'

'Well?' She did lower her voice somewhat. 'Is it off with the old and on with the new?'

'There is nothing less likely,’ I said.’ Myself and Sister Jane!'

Susannah stopped her scrubbing and stood hands on hips. She frowned as if about to say something.

'Well?’ I said.

She shook her head and rolled the pit along the ground until she found a dirty part. She then commenced rubbing at it. I could not make her out. Perhaps Ferris had been right after, and there was more in this than injured friendship.

'I may talk with her but that's as far as it will ever go,' I said.

'It's nothing to me what you do,' she returned. The frantic scouring slowed, softened, as if she were trying out her hand against the metal. At last it halted altogether and she stood staring at me. There

was some obscure matter in that look. If it were a declaration of love, I thought, I would not stay to hear it.