As You Turn Away (The Walker Boys) (32 page)

Being strong drove her away from her high school friends, and from Jonah. Being strong kept her from committing romantically to anyone, especially to Jonah. Being strong lost her years of friendship with Darren and Reece, and almost permanently fractured her relationship with her dad.

Quinn was through with being nothing
but
strong. She was going to stop existing and start living. She was going to temper her strength with honesty, and the kind of fear that meant she had something worth fighting for—starting today.

“Quinnie, you here?”

Darren’s voice invaded her senses, and Quinn stood. “In the living room,” she answered. She smoothed down her dress as her cousin rounded the corner into the room. His hair was tied back into a short ponytail, and he was wearing several days worth of stubble. The sight of him tipped her mouth into a grin she couldn’t suppress. “Dare!”

She was in his arms before she realized she’d run to him. There was a startled pause before Darren folded her into his embrace, a laugh rumbling through him. “I’m glad to see you too.”

“Where were you?” She pulled back, then went to her tiptoes to kiss his cheek. The gesture still felt foreign, but somehow right, too. Being able to show affection and love wasn’t the only hurdle she needed to leap, but it was a start.

“Texas.” He let her lead him over to the couch. “Houston, to be exact. With a redhead named Dallas.” He wiggled his eyebrows at Quinn.

She laughed, sitting and pulling him down next to her. “Well, I’m sorry I took you away from…that.” Truth be told, when she texted him, she hadn’t expected him to answer, much less drop what he was doing and come home. “You didn’t have to run back here, Dare.”

His smile dimmed as he looked at her. “You sent me a text that said you needed me.” He squeezed her hand, never taking his eyes off her. “It’s been a long time since you were that vulnerable with me. I knew whatever was going on, it was serious. So I came home.”

“I’m glad you did.” Quinn drew in a breath. “Jonah and I had a fight a little over a week ago, and it’s led to some soul-searching on my part. I wanted to talk to you and to Dad about…” She paused, eyes flicking to the ceiling, then back to Darren. “About where I am in my head-space and some things I should have said a long time ago.” She felt her chin wobbling with the last words, knowing how many illusions she was about to shatter, but she couldn’t suppress the gesture.

“Hey, hey.” Darren pulled her to his chest. “Whatever it is, you know we’ll get through it. We’re here for you, Quinn.” He smoothed a hand through her hair. “I’m
always
here for you. Even though we’re just cousins, I think of you as my little sister. My Quinnie. You know that.”

Quinn let herself relax into Darren for a moment, and then straightened. She pushed a strand of his hair behind his ear, smiling at the whiskers on his chin and above his lip. Some days it didn’t feel real that they were adults, but she was finally ready to start living as one.

“I do, and I’m really grateful for you for always treating me as one.” She ran her tongue over her teeth, trying to pull the words out of all their hiding places. “I know I don’t say it often, but I think of you as a big brother. I love you, Darren.”

The front door opened and shut, and Quinn trained her gaze on the door to the living room. Her dad came into view a few minutes later, walking slowly but finally without the assistance of crutches. He was using just a cane now, on his doctor’s orders. The wreck fractured his left hip, so his road to recovery was longer than Quinn’s. But they spent his therapy sessions talking about their lives, her time in the city, and good childhood memories.

He would believe her. He would listen to her. He would.

“Dad!” Quinn smiled, and stood. “Come and sit with us?”

“Sure thing,” Clay returned. Darren crossed the room and took his arm, helping him past the threshold and over to a chair. When he was settled, Clay met Quinn’s gaze. “So, you wanted to talk to me and Darren?” He smiled. “I’m sorry I ran a bit behind. I, uh, ran into Jenny at the hospital.” He brushed at his pants. “She asked how you’re doing, Quinn.”

Quinn inhaled sharply. “That’s what I wanted to talk to y’all about.” She leaned forward on the couch. “Not about Jenny, but that’s fine you talked to her, Dad. You know I love the Walkers. But I wanted you and Darren both here to talk about something really important.”

Her dad’s brows drew together. “Okay. Whatever it is, I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere, sweetie.”

The endearment brought fresh tears to her eyes, but she blinked them back. “This summer has brought a lot of changes to my life. Deciding to stay has been good for me. Really good.”

Quinn pushed against her eyes, refusing to let fear keep her from confessing all. “Dad, we’re on better terms than ever, and that means the world to me. And Dare, we’ve grown closer. And Jonah and I.” She paused, and Darren took her hand. “Jonah and I were doing well until our fight. But the truth is, I—”

“Just tell us, Quinn.” Her dad’s voice was quiet, but it rumbled through her.

“The truth is.” Quinn’s exhale floated past her lips. “I’ve been pretending to be so many things: whole, okay, moving forward. Jonah wrote me a letter after we fought…after
I
fought with him. And in it he reminded me that being strong isn’t about being alone or angry, and I think that’s something I forgot a long time ago.” She gripped Darren’s hand tighter. “When I left, I told myself it was because I was strong, strong enough to build a life on my own. But the truth is, the further away from here I got, the deeper I buried all the reasons I left.”

“What reasons?” Darren’s question was a simple one, but it ripped a sob loose from Quinn’s mouth. “Quinn, please.”

“I wanted to dance,” she forced out, “but I needed to
escape
. Mother was coming down on me after Jonah and I broke up; she wanted to plan my life for me, and I couldn’t stay here near her. I couldn’t breathe around her.” Quinn bowed her head. “The day I left…Daddy, I left so suddenly because Mother found me crying in my room over Jonah. She
slapped
me.” Quinn raised her head, her heart thudding. Adrenaline raced lightning-fast through her, and her stomach rolled.

The silence felt like the false calm before an oncoming storm. Quinn could barely look at her father, and she couldn’t fathom meeting Darren’s gaze. Now that they knew all her truths, and would reject her soon enough, she let the words tumble out into the world.

“I left. After years of her verbally and mentally
abusing
me, that slap was it. I broke.” She fisted her free hand in her dress. “Jonah used to wonder why I was so skittish, but I couldn’t help myself. I didn’t know what affection without insults was like. And then, Dad, you stopped hugging me and stopped coming to tuck me in, and I—”

Quinn closed her eyes, teeth gritted. She felt tears leaking down her cheeks, and she tried so hard to control the emotions her admissions were allowing to bleed through, but it was impossible. She felt the shudder sweeping through her before tremors overtook her. Her nerves were splitting apart; she felt like she was coming undone one hammer-blow heartbeat at a time.

And then the cushions beside her shifted, and there were arms around her, holding together her smashed-to-bits pieces.

“Quinn, Quinn, it’s okay.” Her father pulled her closer. The scent of his aftershave surrounded her, and it was something comforting, something to hold fast to. “Shhh, it’s okay.”

“I wanted to be perfect.” She couldn’t open her eyes and look at him for fear this was a dream. “I tried and tried, and I was never good enough. And you pulled away. I thought you h-hated me, but I kept trying. And then when Jonah and I ended, there was no reason to stay. But I’m sorry I left, Daddy.” She buried her face in his chest.

“Look at me, Quinn.” Hands under her chin lifted her face. “Come on, sweetie. Open your eyes and look at me.”

Trembling, Quinn did as her dad asked. “Do you hate me?”

“
No
, Quinnlan.” He kept one hand under her chin, and put the other to her cheek. “No. I could never, ever hate you. I’m shocked, and disgusted at your mother. And I’m mad at myself for not seeing what was happening, and for not trying harder when you left. I knew something was wrong, and I should have reached out more than I did.” He stroked her face. “But I do
not
hate you, Quinn.”

“Neither do I.” Darren’s voice was closer than she’d realized. Quinn shifted, peeking at him. He leaned forward, touching his forehead to hers. “I love you and I admire you and your honesty and bravery. Today you showed you’ve learned what strength
really
is, Quinn.”

“But I’m…” Quinn stalled, giving herself a minute to just breathe. “I’m not
okay
. I still have to learn how to trust and let people in, and I need to deal with my anger at Mom and my grief.” She swallowed a few times, the lump in her throat still dangerously present. “I have to prove to myself that I can really love other people and find happiness, and be healthy.”

Her father put his arm around her shoulders, and Darren squeezed her hand. “You’ll do
all
of that,” her dad said. “Darren and I will be here for you every step of the way. It may not be easy, but I swear it, Quinn. You won’t do this alone.”

“You may not feel like you’re whole now.” Darren ran a hand through her hair, and Quinn relaxed into him. “But I promise you, Quinn, one day you will.”

She woke crying, that first night in New York City. She thought about that cool day she met the Walkers, and how welcome she felt. She thought about a photo album open on the big, kitchen table, the one Sam told her he made for Jenny. About pictures of the Walker boys growing up, about Jonah’s cheeks, tinged red with embarrassment. About how he kissed her that night when he took her home, and told her his brothers and his parents loved her already.

About how when she was his, she felt like flames. Warm and alive, jumping and dancing and breathing.

Now all she had was a small box, stuffed full of almost two years’ worth of memories. Overflowing with a charm bracelet that made a sound like laughter when she wore it, and so many letters and cards filled with his messy, boyish scrawl. A dried rose, a pendant he confessed Jenny helped him choose for her. Pictures they printed together, plus the hundreds she still hadn’t deleted from her phone. The too-big plaid shirt that was starting to smell less like him, and more like her; she’d worn it so often she thought maybe only her tears still held it together.

All she wanted was his arms around her one more time, but she left Jonah behind forever when she left Georgia. She was alone now, but it was better. Safer. For the first time, she was solely responsible for her successes and failures. For her life. Somehow, she would start over in the city that never slept. There was a new beginning waiting for her here, and maybe, just maybe, this huge, alive city could heal her.

Quinn dialed the number for the last ad she’d circled, and when a cheerful female voice answered, she couldn’t help but smile. “Delaney? I’m calling about the apartment…”

Jonah popped the tailgate of Reece’s truck and lowered it. Sunlight warmed his arms as he sat, hands braced on his legs. The truck settled when first Reece, then Ethan joined him on the tailgate, each leaning against him. Jonah looked at each of his brothers—Reece’s unruly curls, and Ethan’s trademark cap and stubble, and couldn’t help but smile. “You know—”

“Aw shit, Joe,” Reece muttered, “we’re so close and you gotta make this a moment?” His emphasis on the final word was obvious, and Ethan wheezed out a laugh that quickly became a cough. “Thought I told you about gettin’ emotional on me, brother.”

Jonah shook his head, as Ethan tried to quiet his “cough.” “You always assume I’m going Lifetime Movie on you, Reece.” He clapped a hand on his big brother’s shoulder. “And while I
should
to serve you right for all your jibes, all I wanted to say was no matter what happens, I’m real glad I came home this summer.”

Ethan leaned over Jonah, turning his hat around the right way for once. “We know it’s your way of covering your real feelings, but it’s okay, Reece. You can admit the truth: you have emotions, and you know how to express yourself in something other than Neanderthal grunts.”

“Take that back,” Reece growled, jutting his face and upper body into Jonah’s space. “Or I’ll—”

“Back down,” Jonah interrupted. “Y’all want to take this further, you need to do it on the ground, and out of my face.” He crossed his arms over his chest to force them to scoot away from him. “And even if it is appropriate that I leave you two fighting, since that’s how you were when I came home, I’m not sure Ma would approve.”

Reece kicked Jonah’s leg. “We were just messing around, Jonah.” He jerked his chin at Ethan. “’Sides, E could never best me.” He pulled on the brim of the cowboy hat he’d borrowed from Sam until it covered the top half of his face, but his mouth was quirked in a smile. “Least he hasn’t yet.”