Asa (Marked Men #6) (9 page)

I scowled and looked down at the tips of my boots. “All my life, even when I try to help myself or someone else, I screw it up. The day Rome offered me the job at the Bar, I told myself I would live on what I made and that’s it. No more get-rich-quick schemes. No more high-risk endeavors that may or may not pay off. I live here because it’s cheap and close to work. I don’t have a car because I pay off my debt with anything extra I have a month. For once I’m living the life I’m supposed to have instead of doing whatever it takes to try and live the life I always thought I
should
have. Do you understand?”

It was important that she did. Having the evidence of the kind of man I really was staring her in the face might open her eyes to how risky this thing that dragged and pulled between us could be if she kept chasing after it just so she could feel good for a fleeting moment.

She shrugged into the hoodie and turned to the door. At first I thought she was repulsed or angry at my honesty, but as she shifted to pull her long hair out of her collar, she told me quietly, “I think it’s odd you thought you would just automatically turn into a choirboy after a lifetime of doing whatever you wanted. People aren’t born either good or bad, they have to be taught how to be one way or the other. No one ever took the time to teach you how to be good, Asa.” She walked to the front door and turned to look at me over her shoulder as she pulled it open. Her dark eyes were steady on my own. “It might take some trial and error along the way, but for the most part you seem to be doing okay now.”

I followed her out the door and locked it behind us. I put my hand on her lower back as we walked down the stairs and started to walk the short distance to her car, and I didn’t respond to the faint hint of hope that laced her last words. That was the thing: everyone that cared about me wanted to think I was doing fine, and I was, for now. I wasn’t as sure of myself as the people that cared about me seemed to be and I wasn’t so sure that I hadn’t actually been born bad. The temptation not to do fine was thick and heavy around my shoulders every day, so much that, sometimes, not letting it cover me up and sink me back down to the bottom where I had always been was more work than I would ever openly admit to.

When we reached the Bar’s parking lot, Nash already had her SUV running and warming up. I didn’t say anything as Royal moved away from me without so much as a good-bye hug and went willingly into Nash’s tattooed embrace. She kissed him on the cheek and rubbed her hands along the flames that decorated the sides of his head over his ears. She threw a wave out the window and took off without a word about anything I had disclosed to her or about the fact that we had just screwed each other stupid.

I shifted uneasily as Nash walked over to me, questions swirling bright and clear in his unusual-colored eyes. I thought I could cut him off at the pass by changing the obvious topic before he started in on me.

“How’s your partner in crime doing with the new baby?” I hadn’t seen Rule or Shaw since their newest family member had come along.

A grin split Nash’s face and he shoved his hands in the pockets of the peacoat he was wearing.

“He’s adjusting. More to the fact that he now has two people in the world he has to take care of and love forever than anything else, I think. Rule was always sort of a lone wolf, and now his life just has so many important things in it he’s trying to figure out how to balance it all.”

“He’ll figure it out.” I didn’t know Rule before he was with his wife, but I had heard the stories, and none of them were exactly flattering. If he could turn it around for the girl, I had no doubt he would quickly find his footing in fatherhood.

“Yeah, in the meantime he’s just crankier than usual, which of course means that we give him as much shit as possible.”

I shared a grin with him and was thinking I was going to be lucky enough to escape without getting a lecture when he inclined his chin at me and narrowed his eyes. “So you and Royal?”

I sighed and rocked back on my heels a little. Of course I wouldn’t be that lucky. “Anything you think you’re going to say to me about her I’ve already told myself and told her. She chose not to listen and I’m sick and tired of turning her down.”

He chuckled which surprised me. “Asa, I know Royal well enough to know she’s going to do whatever the hell she wants, no matter what anyone has to say to her about it. All I was going to tell you is that you need to be careful because she’s been off and not acting like herself since her partner got hurt. I don’t know what’s up with her, but she’s being reckless and anything she’s doing right now might just be a reaction to Dom getting injured. I don’t want you to be a casualty of her overreaction.” He lifted a black eyebrow at me and muttered, “Plus Dom is a big-ass dude that gets to legally carry a weapon and he loves that girl like crazy. He won’t care why it ends or who ends it if Royal goes crying to him with a broken heart.”

I rolled my shoulders and lifted a hand to rub the back of my neck. I knew how big Royal’s partner was. He had been there the night she arrested me. He was scary as hell and not just because he had a badge of authority. He exuded a seriousness and determination that left no doubt he would take more than bullets for Royal and in order to get his job done.

“She and Dom … have they ever …?” I hoped the question was obvious without having to actually ask it. Nash shrugged at me and pulled out his phone as it dinged in his pocket.

“I don’t know. They’re close, really close, and I know that he would gladly rip the face off of anyone that hurts her. They grew up together and went into the Police Academy together, but I don’t know if they ever had a romantic relationship. Royal never mentioned it and Saint has never said anything about it, but who knows? I don’t know how a guy could be that tight with a chick that looks like Royal and not at least try to get some.” He tapped in a message on the keypad and then looked up at me with a smirk. “Saint wants me to ask you how far along Cora is.”

I let out a startled laugh. “What?”

He held out his phone and showed me the text that his lady had just fired off. Indeed it said:

Ask Asa how far along Cora is. I know she’s knocked up and I bet Rome told him!

“I’m not supposed to say. Rome didn’t want to take any attention off of baby Ry just yet. Tell Saint she’ll have to bug Cora about it.” If Rome didn’t want the info out in the world yet, there was no way I was going to be the one to leak it.

His phone pinged again and apparently this message wasn’t one for sharing because his gaze sharpened and I saw him suck in a quick breath.

“All right, I gotta go. Saint doesn’t have to work until tonight, and I don’t have to be at the shop until noon.” Apparently whatever she had sent him had him eager to get back home to her. I couldn’t blame him. The redheaded nurse was a stunner and as sweet as could be. Nash was another lucky man as far as finding his perfect match was concerned. “Just remember that no one wants to see either you or Royal end up hurt, so try and tread carefully. Something I know you aren’t used to.”

I grunted and turned without saying good-bye so that I could stick my head inside the Bar and say hello to Rome and see if I could charm Darcy into cooking up some breakfast. I had been treading carefully for months. There was no going back now that I knew how beautiful everything was on the other side of the line Royal had willfully crossed. Now all I could do was hold on to it until it fell apart.

“Do you think if the situation had been reversed and Officer Voss had been the one in the alley while you went up the fire escape, he would be beating himself up as violently as you’ve been doing?”

I looked at the department shrink and tried not to roll my eyes. She had been asking me variations of this same question every week when I went in for my appointment with her. I think she was tired of me giving her the same answer, but it wasn’t going to change.

“Dom wouldn’t have been distracted. A herd of elephants could’ve run through that alleyway and Dom wouldn’t have blinked.”

The doctor looked at me over the rim of her stylish glasses and sighed. She was frustrated with me. It was obvious. I wanted to tell her to join the club. Dom was also over my pity party and mountains of regret about what had happened to him. He flat-out told me to get lost and not come back until my head was screwed on right. He was sick of me moping around, and done with the constant apologies racing off my tongue. He kept telling me shit happened and I just needed to deal with it. Then he lectured me for an hour on how stupid it was to purposely place myself in bed with a known criminal. He didn’t want to hear at all that being with Asa was the only thing that made all the bad things churning in my gut settle down.

He took all my focus, all my energy, every single bit of emotion I had to keep up with him. He switched so quick from charming and flirty to challenging and brutally honest that if I didn’t stay on my toes I would miss all the little hints that slipped through his artfully constructed mask. But I had seen enough, peeked at the naked core of who Asa Cross really was, and I had figured a few things out. One of the most important realities I had come to terms with was that he wasn’t lying when he claimed to be a bad man. He might not actively be hurting anyone anymore or doing anything to break the law, but it was there bold and brilliant every time he warned me away from him … danger lurked under the surface, and not too far down. He was a guy that had done bad things and was convinced that he would continue to do bad things. Maybe he was right. Another thing I was certain of was that it didn’t matter to me. Good or bad and anything he might be in the middle, I was drawn to him, attracted to him, fascinated by him in ways no one had ever pulled at me before. I saw enough kindness in him, enough drive to be a better person and live a better life now that he had something to lose, and because of this, the threat of the badness wasn’t enough to keep me away. In fact it drew me to him. I liked the bad in him even if I was starting to understand that he hated it and that it made him not like himself very much.

The shrink leaned forward on her fancy leather chair, put her elbow on her knee, and propped her chin on her hand as she stared pointedly at me.

“Do you think you’re a good police officer, Royal?”

I was slumped back on her requisite leather couch but her question had my spine snapping straight. “I always wanted to be a cop.”

She just stared at me until I shifted uneasily under her probing gaze. “That’s not what I asked. We’re supposed to be talking about you, about why you can’t sleep, about why you can’t accept that what happened on that callout could’ve happened to any set of partners on patrol. But all I hear from you is, Dom is this, Dom said that, Dom did this … to hear it from you, your partner runs the show and you just follow along like his sidekick. That’s not what makes a good police officer, and it definitely isn’t enough for a bright, talented young woman like yourself. Have you even considered what happens if Dom doesn’t get medically cleared to return? Is your very promising future over just because his is in question?”

I gasped involuntarily and squeezed my eyes shut. That was my worst fear. How could I carry on if I was the reason Dom might not be able to return to his dream job? I felt my hands curl into fists as I whispered to her, “I can’t answer that.”

She sighed again and I forced my eyes open just as she was sitting back in her chair. “You need to. If you’re just going through the motions because this isn’t what you
really
want to do, then you run the risk of putting not only yourself in danger but whoever is out there on the streets with you as well. You need to figure out if being a cop is what you’re supposed to be or if you were just living Dominic’s dream with him instead of having your own. Getting through the academy takes dedication and perseverance, so I know that a part of you really wants to be on the force, but this is a dangerous job that requires all of you.”

I felt scalding-hot tears start to burn at the back of my eyes. I bit down on the very tip of my tongue to keep them at bay. Apparently the feel-good part of therapy was over and now it was time for real talk. I really wanted to call the woman some immature names and get up and storm out of the office, but I couldn’t do that if I wanted to keep my job … which I did … didn’t I?

“I’m not going to put anyone else at risk.” My voice sounded broken.

“You can’t predict that. All you can do is go out and do your job, use your best judgment, rely on your training and your fellow officers to keep you safe. Which is exactly what you did the night Officer Voss got injured. I have looked at your jacket, Royal. I can answer the question for you …” She lifted an eyebrow at me. “Yes. Yes, you
are
a good cop. A very good cop, and yes, the margin for error in your job is minuscule, but errors do happen. If you can’t accept that, then this isn’t the job for you.”

Luckily I saw her look down at the elegant watch on her wrist indicating the hour was up. It was my turn to sigh in relief. I got to my feet and reached out for my hat, which was part of my patrol uniform. She stuck her hand out to shake like she always did, only this time she gave my hand a little squeeze.

“Next week we really need to address why you can’t sleep. Those bags under your eyes make you look like a perp got in a lucky shot.”

Great; not only was I mentally a mess, but I looked like crap as well. I just nodded absently and hauled ass out of her office.

The night I spent with Asa at his terrible little apartment was the most sleep I had gotten in over a month. It was only a few hours and I was worn out from the seriously intense sex. Still, the dreams had left me alone, making the anxiety that was crawling along my insides take a backseat to all the other exhilarating and complicated things he made me feel. I hadn’t stopped by the Bar or called him in over a week. I didn’t really know what to say to him or how to approach him after our intense night together. I understood he thought I was just after him for a thrill, that I was just trying to let off steam and play around with something that should be forbidden, but that wasn’t the case. I more than wanted him. I was pretty sure I needed him and I was pretty sure he needed me, too. As much as his life had changed, as much as
he
had changed, he needed someone he could let the leash off with. I wasn’t scared of the Asa that lurked behind the veil. In fact I craved him. I wanted to be a safe place for him, but given my career choice, I didn’t know if that was even a possibility.

The shrink’s office was in LoDo and the police station was up in Capitol Hill, so I had to drive. If it wasn’t winter I would’ve just walked, since the station was so close to the Victorian, but it was cold and I didn’t want to be late. My new partner was pretty laid-back, a rock-steady cop, but he was a huge stickler about punctuality. I was just getting out into the midday traffic and humming along to One Direction on the radio when my phone rang from where I’d tossed it on the passenger’s seat. I loved some Justin Timberlake and I loved that when he sang to me it meant my mom was calling me. She seemed to have an uncanny ability to know right when I was on the brink and at my most raw. She was checking up on me and I needed her to after that visit with the shrink. My mother had always just accepted me for whatever and whoever I was. She had never pushed, never tried to guide me one way or the other, and I kind of needed that cushion after that soul-stripping session with the psychiatrist.

“Hey, Mom.”

“Royal! I haven’t talked to you in forever. How are you? How is Dominic doing?”

Forever was only four or five days, but she liked to keep tabs on me. I grumbled a little, fished my sunglasses out of the cup holder, and slapped them on my face. “I’ve been busy. Sorry I didn’t call. Going back to work as well as adjusting to a new partner has been keeping me on my toes, and Dom is fine. He’s going stir-crazy and I think he’s lost about twenty pounds of muscle and gained five pounds of facial hair. His sisters are taking good care of him.”

She made a high-pitched noise of sympathy and I could almost see her clutching her throat in a dramatic way. My mom was nothing if not over-the-top.

“That’s wonderful news that you’re settling back in work, honey. What’s the new partner like? Is he handsome?”

Ultimately, as much as she loved me, that was what it always came down to with my mom, a man. She never would understand how I was okay being single. How finding someone to be with had never been a priority for me like it had been for her.

“He’s married.”

“So?”

I groaned out loud. “Mom, that right there is why you have to keep a divorce attorney on retainer. Married is off-limits.” Sometimes I felt like I was talking to someone my own age and not a grown-ass woman that should know better. If she had simply followed the rules in the first place, she wouldn’t have ever thought my father was going to leave his wife and kids for us.

She laughed a little. “I think married and happily married are two different things. Besides, I haven’t been fishing in that river for some time and you know it.”

She didn’t need to remind me. Her last catch had been a wealthy real-estate magnate that believed in true love and had been foolish enough not to make my mother sign a prenup. After a quickie wedding and an even quicker divorce, my mom was rolling in the greenbacks and dating young studs that were closer to my age than her own. She had drifted firmly into cougar territory, and in her typical careless fashion didn’t care about how that made her look or how it might make me feel. Sometimes I wondered if she was acting so outlandishly just for the attention. I couldn’t see her as much or spend as much time with her now that I was working full-time and had actually gone out in the world and made a friend or two. My mother didn’t do well when she was lonely.

“With you I never know.” I never wanted her near a married man again.

“So with the new partner being off-limits, I don’t suppose you’re out there meeting anyone. You know I worry that you’re going to end up all alone and not find anyone to make me beautiful grandchildren with.”

I swore at her and she laughed. “Mom, seriously?”

“I mean it. You aren’t getting any younger and your job is very dangerous, young lady. You need to find a husband before you get old or injured. I want you to be happy and have what I never did.”

“You know you’re crazy, right?” I didn’t need a man to be happy, not that I would run the other way if a certain blond sex god suddenly declared his undying love for me, but still I had plenty of time to worry about stuff like forever after. She would never understand that, though.

“That isn’t how you should talk to your mother.”

I groaned again and pulled into the parking lot for the police station. I settled my hat on my head and looked at myself in the rearview mirror. The shrink was right. I looked like I had twin black eyes and my pallor was straight-up waxy and gross.

“There’s this guy.” I was going to regret telling her anything, I just knew it. “He’s different. I like him a lot but he makes it hard.” He really did. Having feelings for someone shouldn’t feel like so much of a battle.

She squealed loudly and I had to hold the phone away from my ear. “What’s he like? What’s he do? Does he come from money?”

I made sure I had my keys and everything I was going to need before hopping out of the SUV and slamming the door shut behind me with more force than necessary.

“He’s tricky and smart. He’s prettier than me and he knows it. He’s charming when he wants to be. He’s southern and—” She cut me off before I could tell her that he also had the most wonderful whiskey-colored eyes, which were richer than all the money in the world, and that he was a bartender.

“Ohhhhh … southern boys are the best. All they need to do is say your name with that drawl and it’s love. Maybe he comes from old money.”

Who said things like that in this day and age? I rolled my eyes and pulled open the front doors of the station. “Mom, I’m at work, so I gotta go. I’ll talk to you later, okay?”

“Love you. Stay safe.”

“Love you, too.”

I waved to Barrett as I walked in. I still had to put my vest on and grab my radio and utility belt from my locker. It took a few minutes to get ready to go and Barrett was already out in our patrol car when I was finished. I grabbed some coffee and made my way to where he was waiting. He never really cared who drove, which was a major change from riding with Dom. My best friend always wanted to be behind the wheel and I never argued. The shrink’s words about being Dom’s sidekick sort of slammed into my brain and rattled loudly around. I didn’t like the truth that was obviously embedded in them, and it made me quiet and surly for the entire first part of our shift.

Barrett was mellow, liked to talk about his wife and his kids. He was a third-generation cop and had aspirations of making sergeant soon. He had enough years on the force and his record was spotless, so I was pretty sure his goal was entirely reachable. It was actually similar to listening to Dom talk about his future; the passion was there, and the drive, which made me wonder if I sounded the same when I talked about my future on the force.

We had an early dinner since we were working swing shift, which was two in the afternoon until ten or midnight depending on how the shift went. Scarfing down burgers and shoving fries into our faces got interrupted by a call about domestic violence from dispatch. We were by far the closest unit to the address, so we ditched dinner and rolled out. So far, since I’d been teamed up with Barrett, we hadn’t really had any kind of call that made my nerves ratchet up or my doubts grab hold. But domestic violence calls were so unpredictable that I was starting to sweat and breathe a little harder than normal.