Asher (4 page)

Steel hadn’t called last night and he hadn’t come by today.

I could have gotten angry with him, but then I hadn’t been able to put the ring he had given me back on after taking it off yesterday. Before seeing Asher again, wearing that ring hadn’t been hard. But now… it felt wrong. Like I was betraying Asher even though he had been the one to turn away from me.

             
I walked out to my car and glared down at the Sutton house. Why did I let Asher affect me? Would I ever stop caring that he tossed me away after I gave him everything? I jerked the door of my red Jeep open at the same time my phone started ringing in my pocket. I stopped and pulled my phone out.

             
It was Steel.

             
Finally.

             
But I didn’t want to answer.

             
It continued to ring. Finally, on the fourth ring I gave in and said hello.

             
“Hey,” he said, then paused. With just one word I knew something was off. His tone was tense. “We need to talk.”

             
Asher. This was all because of Asher.

             
“Why? Did you talk to Asher? Is he not okay with…us?”

             
Steel didn’t reply. His silence spoke volumes. This was about Asher. But why? Why did Asher care? Why was I letting the fact he might care affect me? Why was I not able to wear that damned diamond ring and risk hurting Asher? Why was this so royally fucked up? And why didn’t Asher love me anymore?

             
I glanced down at my knuckles as they turned white while I gripped the car door. He hadn’t even spoken to me in three years, yet he still ripped me to pieces every time he was back in town. I needed my closure. I needed some kind of closure between us so I could move on.

             
“Fine. We’ll talk but I have somewhere I need to be right now. Later? I’ll call you? Is that okay?” I said not really caring if it was okay or not. I wouldn’t talk to Steel again until I had found Asher and talked to him.

             
“Uh, okay, yeah,” he replied, sounding nervous.

             
“Good. I’ll call you later,” I said, then quickly ended the call before he could say more.

             
Climbing into my Jeep, I chose not to think about what I was going to say. If I did, I would have talked myself out of this. Instead, I turned my Jeep down the hill and toward the Sutton house instead of town. Asher had been running from me long enough. He needed to face this. Us. What he did and what we were.

             
Steel’s white truck was gone when I pulled around the house and toward the barn. Asher’s blue truck was parked where he had always parked it. Just to the right of the pump house. He had always said he could see it from his bedroom window when he parked it there. That way one of his brothers couldn’t sneak off with it.

             
I stopped beside it and turned off my Jeep, but that was as far as I could get. Facing Asher was terrifying. His rejection and refusal to look at me had always felt like someone plunging a knife right through my heart. I needed a moment to mentally prepare for this. I couldn’t do this with him and walk away unscathed. I was asking for punishment by being here.

             
The knock on my window startled me and I turned to see Bray standing there frowning at me. I knew that if I didn’t open my door now, I would have never gotten out. With one more deep breath, I closed my fingers around the metal latch and opened the door, then jumped down.

             
“Steel ain’t here, but then I’m guessin’ you know that seeing as how you’re parked right next to Ash.”

             
Bray’s tone was one that held a warning. He didn’t want me messing up his brothers’ relationship. He thought I was here to cause trouble. I wasn’t. Not any more than Asher had caused when he walked back into town and sent my heart into a tailspin again.

             
“It’s past time I got some closure, Bray. Back off and let me go get it. He’s had three years to get his head out of his ass. Now, I’m ready to move on and I need to close this… this… thing that was left unsaid between us.”

             
Bray stood there a moment then he sighed and stepped back so I could get past him. “You’re right. This shit needs cleared up. Momma’s gone with Brent to get some feed and some flowers for the front pots. Asher is
—
”

             
“Right here,” that deep familiar voice that still taunted me in my dreams interrupted Bray. Asher had seen me drive up. I expected that. It was why I parked here. I wanted him to know I was coming.

             
“Fix this shit,” Bray said glaring at his older brother, then turned and walked away toward the house, leaving us standing there alone for the first time in years.

             
I had come to demand closure and now that I had his complete attention I couldn’t move. I couldn’t form any words. Asher stood only a few feet away from me wearing a pair of worn jeans that hung low enough on his hips that those sexy lower obliques that made a perfect V-cut into his jeans were in clear view. Where the hell was his shirt? For crying out loud, this wasn’t exactly fair.

             
As if he could read my mind, the black cotton fabric of his tee shirt fell down over those muscles I liked to think were made for sex, back when I was the one he was having sex with. Lifting my eyes, I took in his wet locks and freshly shaven face and realized he had just gotten out of the shower.

             
“You talked to Steel?” he asked and my knees went weak. Why were my knees going weak? Why was being close to him like this as insanely consuming as it had been three years ago? He had tossed me out like trash.

             
“Not exactly. We are meeting up later to talk. Before I talked to him I wanted to talk to you.” It had taken all my strength to speak calmly and not scream at him asking him why he hated me so badly.

             
“You need to talk to Steel. Not me,” Asher said, then he turned to walk away.

             
Just like before, he was blocking me out. Refusing to acknowledge me. I hated him again. I hated how he used me and then could so easily forget me. I hated that I loved him. A scream tore out of me and I lunged at him grabbing his arm to stop him from leaving.

             
This time I wouldn’t stand here and take it. This time I would tell him what a horrible person he was. “
No!
” I roared as my hands wrapped around the hard arm that had once held me like I was something precious. Shoving those memories away, I squeezed his arm and jerked him toward me as hard as I could.

             
Asher stopped and his entire body tensed. Asher Sutton was not a small guy. He was all hard lines and muscles. Broad shoulders and a narrow waist. Thighs that made women drool. Yet here I was screaming at him and yanking on his arm like a kid throwing a tantrum.

             
“Not this time. You won’t walk away this time,” I swore in anger but trying to make it sound more like determination.

             
Asher slowly turned back around and I let his arm go as if it had suddenly caught on fire. When his eyes met mine, the suffering reflected in them took my breath away and I had to take a step back.

             
“Haven’t I done enough? Can’t this be all I have to endure? Do you want me to continue killing us both?”

             
He didn’t try to replace his pain with a mask of indifference he had used with me for so long. He stood there vulnerable and took the last bit of my heart I had left. Because all I cared about now was holding him and making that look in his eyes go away.

             
“Why? I need to know why?” I said as I stood where I was. I wouldn’t go to him because I knew he would push me away. Even though he had allowed me to see that this affected him, that this was clawing away at him too, he wouldn’t have let me touch him. Not now.

             
“I can’t be who you need. I can’t be who you deserve. I thought once that I could, but I found out a little too late that I made a grave mistake. One that we can’t take back,” he closed his eyes tightly and muttered a curse before opening them back up and leveling them on me. “If I could erase the past, our time together, I would. I would take it all away. Every moment, Dixie. I would give it up every goddamn moment. So that you could move on and forget me.  Just walk away from us. This place. You were never meant to belong to a Sutton boy.”

             
Her beautiful face crumpled from my words and I hated myself for it. Death would be too kind for me. I hated the air that I breathed. I hated that all I could ever do was hurt her. When all I wanted to do was cherish her. Love her. Own her.

             
“No,” she said shaking her head. “No,” she repeated as tears flowed freely down her face now. “I don’t believe that. You’re pushing me away. You’re trying to hurt me. I won’t listen to you. You’re lying. This hurts you too. I just can’t figure out why you’re doing this. Why you’re destroying us both,” she said as she took a step toward me and I took a step back.

             
I didn’t trust myself to get too close to her. I wanted to wrap her up in my arms and tell her everything would be okay, when I knew it never would be.

             
“Please, tell me. Tell me why you left me. At least give me that, Asher. I gave you everything and you threw it away like it meant nothing to you. I loved you and I gave you my innocence.
You
were the only person I wanted to touch me. I thought we were forever. You told me we were forever. You told me that you would never want anyone else. That I was everything to you”

             
“
You were!
” I roared. I couldn’t keep listening to her. I couldn’t stand here and let her tell me how much I had let her down. How much I had hurt her. I knew that. She had to leave. This had to end. “
You
were it for me. Dammit, Dixie, you probably always will be. But
we
can’t be. There are things you don’t know that make this impossible. Things I won’t tell you. I will go to the fucking grave before I hurt you anymore. This hurts. I hurt you and I’m sorry. I will be sorry for the rest of my life. But you will move on and fall in love with a guy who can love you. I can’t.” I paused as Steel’s white truck came around the house.  He had to face her now. This had to end. “And neither can Steel.”

             
“Steel loves me,” she said as her voice cracked.

             
“Of course he does. Anyone that gets a chance to know you loves you. You’re… you, Dix. You’re you,” I was going to say too much. I stopped talking and clenched my teeth as Steel parked his truck and climbed out.

             
He looked pale. Like he’d been sick. He had to be stronger than this. Facing this shit was something no one should ever go through. But we had to, thanks to the man who we had once thought hung the moon. He’d left behind a legacy of lies. One that would leave me soulless for the rest of my life.

             
“Steel, what’s wrong?” the concern in her voice made me jealous. I was ridiculous. Dixie was my sister and I was still jealous over her. This disgusting twisted life we had been thrown into was unfair. So fucking unfair.

             
I could feel Steel looking to me to help him. I couldn’t do this for him. He had to end it. He had to send her away. “Remember what I said,” I told him hoping that he understood I wanted him to hold her when she broke.

             
“I can’t,” he said shaking his head.

             
I wasn’t sure what he meant. What was it that he couldn’t do? He couldn’t stay with her. That was a fact. What was he needing from me?

             
“Dixie, you’re our sister.” The words fell from his lips before I could register in my head what he meant. He just said it. He just told her.

             
I heard her gasp and as if in slow motion, I watched as confusion filled her eyes and she looked back at me. I had to fix this. He couldn’t do this. Not to Dixie. She’d never recover. He was going to ruin her too. She’d be as empty as I was and I couldn’t stand that.

             
“Your mom
—
”

             
“
No!
” I yelled, stopping my brother from saying anything else. Why had I trusted him? What the fuck had I been thinking? I had given him the power to hurt my Dixie. “Don’t do this,” I told him as I moved toward him.

             
“She had an affair with our dad.”

             
Those words were the last thing he got out of his mouth before my fist slammed into his jaw, knocking him back against his truck. If it had been anyone other than my brother, I would have continued to pummel him until he blacked out. Until I knew he couldn’t speak again. But Steel was mine to protect too.

             
I stood over him as he grabbed his jaw and glared up at me. “She deserved to know,” he said with a slur.

             
“She didn’t deserve this. No one deserves this,” I told him.

             
“Asher?” her soft voice came from behind me and I tensed hating the fact I had to face her now.

             
“Fucking tell her. She knows now. Finish it,” Steel said as he stayed on the ground holding his face.

             
A hand touched my arm softly and I winced. I didn’t want her to touch me. I couldn’t stand the memory of that. When she grabbed me before, I had felt her anger and that was okay, but her gentle touch was unbearable. “You don’t want to hear this, Dixie,” I said, unable to turn around and face her.

             
“Yes, I do,” she replied.

             
“Don’t, Dix. Just leave. Run like hell and don’t come near us again. Go home to that house up there and let your daddy hold you tight. Remind yourself you’re loved and you deserve a fucking fairytale. Not what you’ll get down here. We can’t give you… anything,” I backed away from her and Steel not wanting to look in her eyes.

             
“Is he telling the truth? Did your… am I…” she trailed off, her voice sounding like it was far away.

             
“Our sister, Dixie. You’re our sister,” Steel said again and I charged him.

             
Two arms wrapped around mine jerking me back. “Don’t. He’s right. This shit is something she needs to hear. It’s her life too,” Bray’s voice was strained as I pulled against him wanting to shut Steel up. “Can’t believe you kept this goddamn shit to yourself,” Bray said, the pain etched in his words.

             
“Go home, Dixie. Go home, please,” I begged her before Steel could say anything more.

             
She shook her head and backed away from both of us. Her face had paled and I realized that driving probably wasn’t safe for her right now.

             
“Wait, don’t drive. Not like this. I’ll drive you and walk back,” I said jerking my arms free of Bray’s hold.

             
“How do you know?” she asked.

             
Telling her anything more would only hurt her more. The people who had conceived her had both abandoned her. This was all worse for her than it was for us. Didn’t Steel understand that? She was losing so much more. I wanted Dixie to live the life I couldn’t give her. The one I had planned on. The life where she was cherished and never once doubted how special she was or how loved she was. Not this… never this.

             
“This,” I said pointing at Steel. “You’re gonna ignore this,” I said, as if just saying it could make it all disappear.

             
“How?” she asked staring at me with a hopeless look in her eyes. The light that I loved seeing there was completely snuffed out now. Steel had destroyed her soul. I would never be able to forgive him for this. “You won’t tell me anything. How do I even know this isn’t some stupid mistake? Who told you this, Asher?”

             
If I told her about the letters, she would demand that I show her. I didn’t want this touching her anymore than it already had. I preferred letting her walk away not believing us. “Go home to your daddy,” I repeated.

             
“He found letters. From your mom to our dad. He found them under a floorboard in the attic three years ago. He didn’t tell anyone because he thinks he’s protecting you,” Steel said as he stood up, keeping his eyes leveled on me.

             
Bray’s hand clamped down on my shoulder. “She deserves to know this too. Stop trying to protect her,” he said.

             
“Letters? You have letters?” she asked, her eyes now glistening with unshed tears. “You have letters saying that my daddy isn’t my father? You have…” she stopped and covered her mouth letting out a sob that shredded me.

             
Her knees buckled and I started to move toward her but Bray stopped me. “No, I got her,” he said stepping around me. I let him go. He loved her too, but he loved her the way a brother should.

             
Bray pulled her into his arms and held her as she tucked her head under his chin and sobbed pitifully. Someone was holding her. That was all I had wanted. Someone to hold her the way she needed it.

             
“She deserved to know,” Steel said reminding me that he was still out here.

             
“No one deserves this,” I replied, then turned and walked to my truck. I had to leave. I couldn’t stay here and watch Dixie fall apart. Just when I thought I couldn’t hurt any more, I’m was proved wrong. Knowing that Dixie would now live this nightmare was more than I could handle.