Ashes of the Stars (16 page)

“Okay,” I sighed. “You go get my swords and I’ll fight you.”

“Thanks,” He kissed my cheek and then ran away from me down the path. I shook my head and kept on the short distance to the meadow. I could see the main group still sitting around, Kai’s family still with them. Bess looked at me briefly, stiffened, and then looked away. I didn’t walk over to them, I didn’t want to stir anything else up. Kai’s youngest sister smiled apologetically at me and I smiled cautiously back at her.

Pio jumped up off the ground and ran excitedly over to me. I picked him up and threw him on my back where he clung to me like a monkey. He was heavier than I thought he’d be but I could handle it.

“Can I tell you a secret?” I asked the little boy as we walked around the meadow.

“Maybe,” He giggled.

“You look exactly like your daddy did when he was a little boy,” I told him. It was the truth. He looked so much like his father, it took me back.

“Uncle Kieran said that too, so it’s not really a secret,” Pio complained.

“Okay, how about this for a secret?” I sighed. I racked my brain, searching for something. Then I remembered a conversation that felt like had occurred in another lifetime. I smiled. “I’m going to be your fighting teacher.”

“Really?!” Pio whooped with joy. I had to put him down because he was thrashing around so much. He hopped up and down in circles around me and I laughed, shaking my head at him.

“Speaking of, why aren’t you learning stuff?” I asked him.

“Not time yet,” Pio told me.

“Oh, well in that case,” I picked him up again and threw him into the air. He screamed with laughter as I caught him. After a few minutes of acting like a fool with Pio, swinging him around until we were both dizzy, I heard Kai’s laughter.

I stopped, hunched over with my hands on my thighs and laughed at Kai. He was shaking his head at me, his cheeks flushed. He had my belt with my swords still in their sheaths and his sword and belt already looped around his waist.

“Alright, kiddo. Duty calls,” I said breathlessly to Pio.

“Aw,” Pio complained.

“Sorry, buddy,” I ruffled his hair and then took my belt from Kai. I looped it around my waist and followed Kai away from the meadow. I didn’t know where he was leading me but when we left one of the paths still in camp, I saw a near perfect circle. It was huge and clear of any debris, even grass. It was just a dirt circle.

“Training ring for the kids,” Kai explained. I stepped to the center of it and looked at him carefully. He was shaky, nervous. This wasn’t like him.

“Are you okay?” I asked softly.

“Pissed off,” He answered.

“Good,” I told him. “Then come at me.”

“You don’t even have your swords drawn,” He argued.

“Neither do you. So what? Draw your sword and come at me,” I told him.

“I’m not going to attack you without a weapon out,” He looked at me like he thought I might be thick-headed. I was, but that was beside the point.

“You’re not going to hit me,” I sighed. “Look, you’re not fast enough to hit me with that sword. So come on.”

“That’s not right,” He shook his head, pulling his sword free of his belt.

“If you wanted an even fight, I’m sure you could’ve asked Kieran or someone else but you didn’t. You asked me. Don’t be a chicken shit,” I goaded him.

“Fine, but if you get hurt, I’m going to have to take my life,” He warned me.

“Guess I’ll have to try real hard not to let you hit me then,” I winked at him. He prepared himself, taking a few deep breaths, and shook his head like he was trying to clear it. I waited patiently but as he still wasn’t attacking me, I crossed my arms and sighed heavily.

“It’s hard, okay?” He complained. “I don’t like coming after you like this.”

“Fine,” I rolled my eyes. I took my right-hand sword out and held it loosely towards him. This was going to be boring, I could already tell. He ran at me then and swung his sword down hard towards me. I didn’t bother raising my sword, I just ducked out of the way. The force of his swing forced the tip of his sword into the ground.

“See? You can’t hit me. Can I put my sword away now?” I asked.

“You’re not helping,” He argued, pulling his sword from the ground and swinging it around at me again. This time I jumped over it just because I could.

“Well, don’t blame me because you don’t know how to fight,” I told him.

“I can fight, just not like you do,” He said. He wasn’t coming after me again.

“I can show you, you know,” I told him.

“Fine,” He grumbled.

“Well first things first, you’re trying to force the sword to do what you want,” I said. I grabbed his hands and loosened his grip. “Let the sword do the work. Let your body follow it. There’s a motion, a rhythm, that is never the same, but is always easy to follow once you know it. Try swinging with your instincts.”

“Instincts,” He repeated. I stepped away from him and he came at me again. He was better this time.

I worked with him for hours and we were dripping with sweat by the end. I corrected his posture and his motion quite a few times. I ended up letting him use one of my swords, which he did much better with because it was shorter and not quite as heavy. By the end of it, I was actually having to block some of his attacks and we were both laughing like we were having the best time. I didn’t know about him but I was actually enjoying myself.

“After lunch we go again?” He asked as we headed back towards the meadow for lunch.

“No, after lunch we get you a better weapon,” I answered with a smile.

Chapter Sixteen

I didn’t feel like there were two parts of me anymore. I felt like there was me before, me after, and me now, but they didn’t feel like different people. I didn’t try to make sense of the past because my memories fell into the little gaps that hadn’t made sense before. I felt like my life flowed like a river now, rapids in some places and so calm it was almost still in others. If blood ruled my life before, now it was ruled by happiness.

I was still having trouble accepting what I’d done, but I was starting to listen to the people around me when they told me that I’d fallen into that bloody way of life and I’d been good at it. War. I was good at war. That didn’t necessarily make me a bad person, they said. What would’ve made me a bad person was if I had enjoyed the killing.

I expected that everything would be straightened out now, but at night I still had nightmares of losing Kai, of being trapped in my body on a platform being killed. I still woke up at night screaming until Kai calmed me down and I left to spend the rest of the dark hours with Kita cooking. I still felt turmoil bubbling in me when I spent time around the kids, and after a few days of having my memories back, I transitioned into being a teacher. I felt rage when I looked at Bess, Kai’s mother. She wanted better than a murderer for her son, and though I thought she was right, I wasn’t going anywhere. She couldn’t seem to accept that. Kai held me in place, always, making sure I knew that
I
was who he wanted, the only one he wanted.

It happened in the afternoon. I was leaving the lesson after teaching the kids. The other teacher, Taevyn, took over them for me, escorted them to lunch and then to the building where she did her lessons. I was feeling very calm. I was teaching the kids to meditate and extend their hearing further past their immediate environment. Not all of the kids were as receptive to my method as Pio was but they were all mostly cooperative regardless.

I was walking alone, my swords swaying with my body. I felt a hand grab my arm from behind and I reacted instantly. I grabbed the arm of the person with my free hand and flipped them, putting them face down in the dirt. I saw the greying black hair and profile of Bess and I backed away from her.

“I apologize for my reaction,” I said coldly, pressing my back against a building and holding my hands behind my back. She scrambled to her feet and I saw a dagger glint in one of her hands. Her eyes were wild as she faced me, rocking back and forth, measuring me for a weakness.

“I take that back,” I glared at her.

“If you’re gone, I can save my son,” She hissed at me. “You have to die. This world needs to be cleansed of your evil.”

“You sure you want to do this, Bess?” I asked.

“
Mom
!” A girl shrieked. I didn’t spare the girl a glance. I knew it was Kai’s youngest sister, Nix.

“Go get my
brother, Nix,” I told her, not taking my eyes off of Bess. Bess was still bouncing back and forth, darting, searching. I stepped away from the wall as Nix rushed past her mom and towards the meadow. It was only a short distance, I hoped she was fast enough.

“
Die, monster
!” Bess shrieked, rushing at me. I didn’t want to hurt her so I wasn’t as swift with my dodge. She managed to rake the tip of the dagger all the way up my forearm. As the dagger cleared my skin I stumbled onto the middle of the path. She wasn’t half bad if I was being honest. She whirled and came at me again. I darted around her this time, not letting her near enough to cut me. We whirled like this for a few moments, her occasionally finding purchase on my skin with the dagger but never enough to be lethal.

I heard footsteps approaching quickly but there was nothing that they could do I realized now. Bess was intent on my death and someone else would just get hurt trying to stop her.

“Come on, Bess. Can’t you kill me?” I taunted her with narrowed eyes. I didn’t want her to hate me so much, I didn’t want her to feel like she had to try killing me, but I couldn’t afford for someone else to get hurt in her craze. I had to keep her focused on me.

She lunged for me and I dodged her.

“
Bess
!” Kai’s booming voice filled the air. She didn’t stop to listen to him. She kept coming after me.

“Stay back!” I yelled at the group, not looking at them. I looked at Bess, feeling a heaviness in my heart.

“I saw you!” She shrieked at me. “We were staying near a Clasher camp, keeping our distance. I saw you go in and slaughter them all. You had no emotion on your face at all as you walked away from the burning town! You have no heart, no soul! You have to die!”

“Yes,” I yelled back at her. “Yes, I do have to fucking die. Yes, I’m evil. I’ve done horrible things.”

I watched the fight leaving her. She slowed her movements and then stopped, watching me. I’d had enough of this shit, this reputation that was well deserved but exhausting. I’d had enough of the inner turmoil. I yelled at her again, “Who fucking cares? Come on, kill me, Bess. You’d be doing me a favor. But you look at your
son
and you tell me if he would
ever
forgive you for that. Why the fuck do you think I haven’t just done it myself? Get your shit together, woman.”

I watched as the dagger fell out of her hands when she looked at Kai. I watched her, feeling the sting of wind and dirt and sweat in my fresh cuts. She looked at everyone in the group that I hadn’t bothered looking at.

“Arrest her,” Kieran snapped. Wren rushed forward and made quick work of wrapping Bess’ wrists in rope that even I couldn’t have gotten out of.

“Are you okay?” Kai rushed towards me, putting his hands on the sides of my face as always.

“I’m fine,” I brushed away from him and walked in the opposite direction. I could hear him try to come after me but Kieran snapped at him. They both had to handle law breaking as judicially as possible, it was part of them running this camp together. I didn’t know how they would handle attempted murder and I didn’t care.

“You need to come get treated,” Tali said breathlessly as she ran to catch up to me.

“I’m fine,” I growled.

“You’re
not
fine, you’re bleeding,” Tali said.

I stopped walking and turned to face her. I couldn’t control the rage inside of me. It hurt. It burned. I glared at her. “They’re shallow cuts. I’m fine for the last fucking time.”

I saw her face crumple under my words, saw tears brimming in her eyes. I felt an undercurrent of regret but my rage was stronger, so I stormed away from her. I walked until I reached the cliff. The sun was high in the sky but looming clouds threatened rain. I paced back and forth over the cliff top until I couldn’t take it anymore. I screamed, forcing all of the oxygen out of my body. I bent forward the second time I screamed and was on my knees by the third. I pounded my fists into the ground.

When I stopped screaming, I ripped the gauze bandages from my hands. I shredded them, looking at my hands through blurry tears. In my frustration, I tried to direct my actions towards something tangible, like freeing myself from these bindings. I didn’t want to cover them up anymore, didn’t want to protect my self-inflicted wounds. I wanted to see what I had done to myself.

My bare hands were still healing. They were red in some places, scar tissue rising out of my skin that looked like a disease. I sobbed, letting my salty tears fall into my open palms.

“
Fuck
!” I screamed again into the wind. I brought my scarred hands to my face and rocked back and forth on the smooth rock.

“Aili?” I heard a whisper behind me. I didn’t stop rocking, didn’t stop crying.

“Aili, it’s okay,” The voice came again.

“Go away,” I growled into my palms.

“No,” The firm voice said. I let my hands fall away and I looked over my shoulder to see who had dared to brave my wrath. Kieran stood behind me.

“Why are you here? Don’t you have a duty to fulfill?” I said monotonously as I looked back out over the cliff. My view was blurred with tears but I knew the sight well enough now.

“Yes I do and that’s why I’m here. Wren and Whitestrand have things under control for now,” He said, coming up to sit beside me. I thought of his duty to me. He owed a ghost a promise to take care of me. What a useless duty.

“Let me see,” Kieran said. He reached for my hands and I let him take them and examine them. He didn’t say anything, just smoothed his rough fingertips over the scars.

“I should have just let her kill me,” I whispered to the trees.

“No, you shouldn’t have. Nix told us that Bess lost her mind a long time ago and they’ve been trying hard to keep her under control ever since. Leaving Kai behind and losing her husband destroyed her and she’s been crazy a lot longer than you have. You did the right thing. I saw you didn’t even pull your swords on her. That was a good thing you did,” He told me, patting my back like I was a child.

“I can’t stand it, Kier,” I cried. “All this hate and anger and sadness
all the time
. Kai looks at me like I’m dead sometimes. He doesn’t think I see him but I do. And Tali… everyone. I just keep hurting everyone.”

“Tali’s strong. She’s just emotional because she’s pregnant,” He told me in an off-hand manner. “And Kai… well, sometimes you
look
dead to us and it does hurt and scare us. It’s like you’ve already checked out of life and are just going through the motions.”

“I just want it to end,” I sobbed, barely choking the words out.

“Is it not getting better? We all thought it was,” He asked sadly.

“I have nightmares every single night. I’m
tired.
I feel such pain when I look at Pio. I love that little boy. What about all the other… the other…” I couldn’t finish my statement.

“I have nightmares too. I still see them taking you away. I still see mom on the floor, trying to look at us one last time. I see you being carried back into camp by Finn and being so lost inside of yourself that you can’t even find the strength to speak a single word. I see my wife getting cut open and I remember the fear that they had slit her throat. I’ve never felt anything worse than those things and I always feel it all over again. Every single night,” He told me. Talking about his own fears made him sound passionate and I knew the feeling. Fear was a strong emotion, almost stronger than love or hate.

“How do you do it? How do you keep living?” I asked, finally looking at him.

“I get up in the morning,” He leaned back against his palms. “And I see you and my best friend smiling and I see how much you two love each other and that makes me feel better. I see my wife and feel her stomach getting bigger and I let myself feel all the love in the world for them. Love, Aili. It’s the only thing that can kill you or save you. It depends on how you let it work.”

“That’s really terrible advice,” I laughed, wiping at my face with my ruined hands.

He laughed with me. “It’s just what I do. You’ll find the strength, I know you will. You’re not as crazy as you think you are.”

“No, I think it’s worse,” I said on the tail end of laughter.

“Come on, Dreamer. Let’s go back. Lots of people are worried about you and I think you owe some people some apologies,” Kieran said. He stood up and held his hand out to me. I took it and let him help me up.

“You’re right. I’m sorry, Kieran.”

He smiled down at me and threw his arm over my shoulders. “Not me, goofy.”

I tried apologizing to Kai but he wouldn’t hear it. He wouldn’t stop apologizing for what his mother had tried to do but I wouldn’t hear it either. He held me close, protectively, and when I finally found Tali she was exactly where I expected her to be. Kai left me alone when I stepped into the medical hut.

Bess lay still and silent on the bed, her eyes staring up at the ceiling. She looked lost, tears streaking past her temples. Her hands were tied in front of her now but I didn’t think it was necessary. I smiled carefully at Tali knowing that now was not the time for a heart-to-heart with her. I did eye her stomach, though, to see if I could find a bulge, but she was wearing a loose shirt.

“Bess?” I whispered, stepping up to the side of the bed. She didn’t respond in any way.

“Aili, I don’t think your being here is such a good idea,” Tali warned me.

“I think this is right where I need to be,” I said without taking my eyes off of Bess. I put my hand over her cold hands and she still didn’t react. The only thing I could see were more tears slipping out of her eyes. I glanced over my shoulder. “Can I have minute alone with her?”

“I don’t know, Ai…” Tali said.

“Look at her. She’s the same as me. So please, I need a moment alone with her. I’ll yell for you if she tries to kill me again,” I said, looking back at Bess. After a long pause, I heard Tali leave the hut and I took a deep breath. Bess didn’t seem to be aware that Tali had left and I was now alone with her but I knew that she was. I had been aware of so much when I was just like this.

“I know you’re in there and I know you can hear me so I’m going to tell you a little story. I’m not asking for anything… I just want you to listen to me,” I told her softly. I brushed a stray hair away from her face and sighed before I continued. “I lost my mind. Sometimes, like now, I’m sure it never really came back. I was just like you, I felt locked inside of myself. I had done such horrible things and I forced myself to sit there in silence, not feeding myself or moving, nothing. I forced myself to relive everything I had done over and over again. I even tried to clean up blood that wasn’t really there, and that’s how I got these.”