Ashes to Ashes (11 page)

“Oh.” I say. “Wait. I thought you and Reeve were keeping things on the down low?”

Reeve looks from me to Lillia. “Wait a minute—DeBrassio knows about us?” I give him a Cheshire cat smile. “I thought we were keeping this a secret from
everyone
!”

Defensively Lillia says, “First off, I only told Kat, and I swore her to secrecy. And what right do you have to be mad at that? I'm not the one who sent you a valentine in front of everyone!”

I dip a fry into some ketchup and nod my head in agreement. “She's got a point.”

Reeve lets out a frustrated sigh. “I thought I could send you a rose and it would get lost in all the other ones you get in homeroom and you'd be the only one who knew. I definitely didn't expect it to be delivered in the middle of lunch with everyone around.”

“No. I mean . . .” Lillia picks up the rose and puts it to her nose. “I know it was an accident. I just wish you hadn't been such a jerk to Derek.”

“What else could I do? I'm not going to sit here and not say anything while Ash is a bitch to you.” Reeve glances at me before he says, “It's none of their business anyway.”

“Ash was a bitch? What did that bobblehead say?”

Lillia's chin trembles. “Ash said that Rennie's body isn't even cold. And then everyone just—they just got up and left.”

I lean forward and drag a fry through Lil's ketchup. When our eyes meet, I can see how truly upset she is. Poor kid. I do feel bad for her, but, well . . . she had to have known that being with Reeve, in secret or not, came with a whole lotta baggage. I give her arm a squeeze. “They'll come around,” I say, but I don't know if that's true. I just want to make her feel better.

“Kat's right. They will. They're just shocked,” Reeve says, and pushes some of Lillia's hair behind her ear. “And now
everyone knows. We don't have to sneak around anymore. It's honestly a relief.”

Lillia and I share a look.
Almost
everyone knows. And that is a relief. Thank God Mary isn't here to see this.

Reeve pulls Lil's chair close to him and kisses the top of her head. It makes me feel better that she's smiling, even for a second. I know it makes Reeve feel better too. You can see it all over his face.

W
HEN
I
OPEN MY EYES,
I find myself inside the high school. Everyone's dressed in pinks and reds and whites. They're carrying roses, sharing kisses in the hallways.

Oh my gosh, it's Valentine's Day.

Valentine's Day? How can that be? How can a whole month and a half have passed? I don't think I understand what time feels like anymore. A long time or a short time, it all feels the same to me now.

I do feel something, though. Something magnetic. A pull. A current. A tide.

It takes me to the cafeteria.

And what I see eclipses any pain I've ever felt.

They're together. Lillia, Kat, Reeve. As thick as thieves. Kat's reaching for food, Reeve's swatting her hands away, and Lillia is laughing at both of them.

I tear at my hair.
Why?
Why am I being tortured like this? Forced to watch Reeve move on with his life, watch him get whatever he wants. Watch him take my friends, erase me from the world. He doesn't deserve to be happy. Not after what he did to me.

The edges of the cafeteria get white, and I begin to lose focus. Which is good, because I don't want to see this. I was wrong. I was so wrong about everything. We aren't friends. They don't miss me; they don't think about me. If they did, there's no way in hell this would be happening.

The very last thing that made me feel like I was human, just a little bit human, is gone.

*  *  *

I don't know how much time passes, where I go, what happens to me after. I come to on my bedroom floor to the sound of laughter. It's coming from outside, but strangely, it sounds like their lips are right next to my ears.

Kids laugh in two different kinds of ways. There's the joyous, silly kind that happens when you're getting tickled by your
mom or chased around the backyard by your dad.

And then there's the mean, teasing kind. The cruel kind of laughter that isn't funny at all.

That's what I hear, and it brings me right back to my Montessori days.

I quickly push up off my stomach and walk to the window. There's a group of kids down on the street below, right in front of my house. I bet they're coming from the park up the road. Four of them are closing the gap on one boy who's by himself. He's walking backward as best he can, though he almost trips on the curb, because he doesn't want to turn his back on them.

I close my eyes, and in a flash I'm down on the curb.

The one boy who's by himself, the unease on his face makes my stomach hurt. He's ten years old, maybe eleven. I can't tell exactly because he's tall for his age. Taller than the other kids who are taunting him, but that doesn't matter. He's trying not to look scared, but I know he is. I can feel his heart drumming. His hair is long and shaggy and a bit greasy, and he keeps flipping it out of his eyes by jerking his head. His jeans are dirty and they don't fit him so great. His cheeks are dotted by a few ripe red pimples.

Poor thing.

The other four kids, three boys and one girl, have the energy of a full-blown mob.

“I know you want to kiss her, Benjamin,” the blond-haired boy says. “I saw you staring at her ass.”

“I was not,” the tall boy, Benjamin, says. And then he realizes that he's been backed into the bushes that edge my property. The other kids quickly surround him. He wipes away some sweat from his temple with his sleeve.

I step between two of the boys and stand next to Benjamin. Even if he can't see me, I hope he can feel me next to him. I hope he can tell he's not alone.

The ringleader boy tips his head back and laughs. “Dude! I saw you do it! Are you calling me a liar?” He glances over at the girl standing next to him. “Betsy, he's calling me a liar.”

Betsy doesn't look all that into what's happening, but she's not exactly stopping it either. She just shrugs her shoulders.

“I'm not calling you a liar, Seth,” Benjamin says carefully. “I'm just saying that you're wrong.”

Seth slings an arm over Betsy's shoulder. “So if Betsy tried to kiss you, you wouldn't do it?”

“No.”

Betsy rolls her eyes at that, and I feel the pang of hurt inside Benjamin. My hand goes to my chest, where my heart would be beating if I were alive. I can really, truly feel it. His hurt, as if it were my own. I've felt this way before. The first day of school when I hid in the bathroom. Kat and Lillia were both
so upset, their pain radiating through the stall door.

Seth lowers his head menacingly. “So you're saying that my girlfriend is ugly?”

“No! I'm not saying that!” Benjamin is clearly getting frustrated, and I don't blame him. “I wouldn't kiss her because I know Betsy's your girlfriend.”

Seth nods to the other two boys, who suddenly produce a bunch of folded papers from their pockets. Seth takes them and holds them up, two fists full. “Then why have you been writing her love notes?”

Before he can stop himself, Benjamin looks at Betsy, slack-jawed. Like,
Why? Why would you do that?

I grit my teeth. The sky darkens above us, and the wind picks up.

He pleads with Seth, “She started writing to me first!”

Seth nods. “Um, yeah, you dope. Because I told her to. We wanted to see what you would say.”

I glance at Betsy, to see if she feels even a little bit bad about what she's done, the trouble she's caused Benjamin, but she's shaking her head. “Ben, I only wrote you, like, twice, and they were barely half a page. You wrote me every day, pages and pages. You've been obsessed with me since first grade. You even said so.”

I feel the heat behind Benjamin's eyes that comes right before tears. His lip begins to quiver.

Don't cry,
I tell him silently, and every muscle in my body tightens up.
Don't cry. Don't cry. They are evil. They aren't worth your tears.

“Oh my God, look!” Seth sounds gleeful. “Crybaby's going to cry!” He steps closer and closer to Benjamin.

I can taste it. The desperation, the humiliation. The feeling of being so alone. It's sharp and acrid on my tongue.

I narrow my eyes on Seth and push my arm out fast. That's all it takes for Seth to fall backward. He hits the ground hard and cracks the back of his head on the curb. It makes a sickening sound. His hands both open up, and the letters fall out.

The other boys look as shocked as he is.

I glance behind me at the tree in my yard. The sky gets darker, and the wind kicks up even more, and the bare branches above us shake and shake.

“You guys!” one of the other boys shouts. “The tree's about to fall!”

Using my mind, I push harder and harder against the tree. The ground buckles.

“Look out!” someone shouts as the roots burst up through the dirt. Betsy screams, and the boys help Seth up and out of the way before the tree creaks over and snaps in half. The entire thing smashes through the bushes and falls across the street. That sends neighbors running out of their houses.

Benjamin looks behind him. He sees me, and his eyes go wide and scared.

He can actually see me. Just like Lillia and Kat in the bathroom.

“Don't be afraid!” I call out. “I'm here to help you!” I will help him, because there was no one there to help me.

He takes a step backward, and then another, practically tripping over his sneakers. “Thank you,” he gasps. And then he turns and runs down the street.

“Let's get out of here,” Betsy says, and turns to hurry down the street in the opposite direction. I lift my hand once more and use my energy to knock her forward, facedown onto the street.

She's as guilty as the rest of them.

She screams. The boys pick her up. Betsy's bleeding from the mouth, crying. And her hands are bright red and cut as well. She spits a tooth out into her hand.

Not so pretty anymore, are you, Betsy?

As they disappear around the corner, I realize it. This is my purpose. This is why I'm here on Jar Island. I am an avenger. An avenging angel sent down to right wrongs.

I am not weak.

I am powerful. More powerful than I know.

Me, Kat, and Lillia, we weren't ever supposed to be a team. All along it has been my responsibility and mine alone. My purpose.

It's why I'm drawn to Reeve. Because I have a job to do, a score to settle. And once I do, I'll finally be free.

F
OR THE REST OF THE
day, Alex is all I think about. I have to talk to him. I have to tell him how sorry I am.

I leave my last class a few minutes early, before the bell rings, and I race over to his class and wait outside the door. When Alex walks out, I'm standing there waiting. I feel clammy and dizzy.

His face hardens and he keeps walking. I run up to him and grab his arm. “Alex, please talk to me!”

He jerks out of my grasp. “There's nothing to talk about.” And then he walks away, and I just stand there, my arms hugging my chest.

I'm still standing in the same place when Reeve appears next to me. “Are you okay?” he asks, putting his hands on my shoulders.

“Yes.”

Reeve looks down the hallway, in the direction where Alex walked. “I'm the dick, not you. I was his best friend. I knew how he felt about you. You're the only girl he's ever wanted. There's a guy code, you know?”

I know, because there's a girl code too, and I did the same exact thing to Rennie.

Reeve faces me, suddenly anxious. “He's probably going to try to warn you against me.”

“There's nothing Alex could tell me about you that would change my mind.”

Reeve nods, but he doesn't look convinced.

“I know everything there is to know about you!” In a teasing voice I say, “Let's see, how many girls have there been? Teresa, and Melanie Renfro, and that junior girl Tara, and oh, half the JV cheerleading squad. And who could forget the college girl at the doughnut shop who gave you free doughnuts every morning?”

“Cho, I only ever kissed that girl! And it was only one time, I swear.”

I throw my arms around him and hug him to me tightly. I
burrow my head into the space between his neck and his shoulder. I close my eyes and breathe in his smell. I wouldn't go back on it even if I could. No matter what, I still choose Reeve.

“Everything will be okay,” he says into my hair. “People just need the weekend to get over it. They'll come around.”

*  *  *

Nadia is waiting in front of my car. “Is it true?” she asks me, her eyes accusing. “Are you and Reeve really together?” When I hesitate, she says, “You were supposed to be her best friend, Lilli!”

It cuts me to the bone.

“The worst part is that I had to find out along with everyone else at school. I'm your
sister,
Lillia. Don't you know that's supposed to count for something?” Her eyes well up. “You could have at least told
me.
”

I whisper, “I'm sorry. I was scared of what you'd think of me. I want to be someone you can look up to, Nadi. And I guess . . . I guess I thought if you knew, you'd be ashamed of me.”

She doesn't say anything, but she doesn't have to. She turns and starts to walk away, back toward the school.

“Nadi! Come on! How are you going to get home?”

But she doesn't come back.

I
THINK BACK TO THAT
night we met at Kat's boat, down at the Jar Island Yacht Club. It was then that our revenge plans were born, when we entered into a pact to see this thing through. There were rules. We needed them. Otherwise, how could we trust each other?