Assassin (25 page)

Rain hugged Case tighter and continued to offer any comforting words that came into her head, until Case finally passed out. Rain gently resituated Case's body in her lap and tried to get comfortable against the wall that was still at her back.

As she sat there and listened to Case's slow breathing, Rain was surprised to feel her own anger begin to burn, now that she had a chance to think about it. If Case's father had still been alive, Rain knew she would have found it difficult to refrain from hunting the man down and killing him herself. As it was, it didn't take much for Rain to begin focusing her anger and contempt on Case's mother.

How could she let Case be abused like that? Rain mentally asked no one in particular. How could any mother?

But Rain knew it wasn't that simple. From the reports she'd read, Rain knew that Case's mother had been just as much a victim as Case. But the fact remained that she'd been an adult and responsible for changing the situation, while Case had only been a child.

When Rain had first read the files regarding Case and the murder of her father, Rain had been sympathetic to the plight of a young Case and her desperate solution to a problem everyone else had intentionally ignored. Now though, she realized she felt a fierce pride in Case for surviving and doing what she could to save herself and her mother. Of course, that only made her mother's betrayal all the more painful, and Case's sad question echoed in Rain's mind with crystal clarity.

"Why didn't you love me?"

Rain wondered how different Case's life would have been if her mother had supported her, instead of trying to act as though her husband had been a role model for loving fathers and caring husbands.

She wouldn't be here, that's for sure, Rain acknowledged and felt her heart flinch at the thought.

The truth was that they probably never would have met, if Case's childhood hadn't put her in a position to join Carlotti's organization. And Rain knew that if her brother hadn't been killed by one of Carlotti's people, she never would have joined the FBI and dedicated her life to bringing down one of the largest mafia organizations in history.

But Rain couldn't count the number of nights she'd spent as a child, and even as an adult, praying for just such a miracle. She had obsessively fantasized about waking up before the raid and telling Timmy about it in order to prevent him from getting killed, believing that if she just wanted it bad enough, it might happen through some sort of wish fulfillment. Then everything would have been okay. It was called magical thinking in psychological terms and had been one of the only things that had kept her going when she had no other reason.

Rain felt her brain tilt and her eyes went wide, as she was struck by a completely new understanding of the notions of good and bad. The realization that the loss of her brother, and all the pain that had come with it, had ultimately led her to Case took her breath away and pushed all her other thoughts aside for several minutes.

It was a strange sensation, the feeling of acceptance and closure that slowly flowed through her, though she could also feel the guilt forming in the pit of her stomach for choosing Case over her brother.

Rain's loyalty to her brother had always been a hundred and ten percent. No doubts. No hesitation. But that loyalty had found a new home in Case. Rain knew in her heart that, given the choice, she wouldn't bring Timmy back. It would mean losing Case and that was unacceptable to Rain. The very thought gave Rain a panicky feeling, but she quickly focused on Case's face, her head still cradled in Rain's lap, and began brushing her fingers through Case's bangs in a motion that was soothing for both of them. It was real and grounded her in the moment instead of letting her drift in what ifs.

But it didn't take long before Rain's analytical mind began working again to fill the internal silence, and she came up with an imaginary test of her loyalty to Case, which she failed miserably.

She'd decided that her brother's life wasn't too high a price to pay for having Case in her life, but what about Case's tortured youth? If she had the power, would she replace Case's horrific childhood with a nurturing one, knowing that if she did, Case would grow up healthy and probably never even come into contact with the likes of Antonio, let alone become his best assassin and eventually her lover?

No! Rain's soul answered, and her heart couldn't argue, though her mind wanted to.

It was unbelievably selfish of her, but Rain knew she was secretly glad Case's life had turned out the way it had because it had brought Case to her. As much as Rain wished things had been different for both of them, she wouldn't change a thing if it meant never getting to know Case and falling in love with her.

And if there was any good to be found in her brother's death and Case's traumatic childhood, it was the love she felt for Case and hoped Case felt for her in return. Anything was worth that.

Rain took a deep breath and tried to calm her racing thoughts and heightened emotions. She didn't have the power to change the past, so there was no point in thinking about it. It certainly didn't help their current situation to create moral dilemmas that didn't exist or scare herself with fantasies of being trapped in a life without Case.

Rain looked down at Case's puffy, tear-streaked face and sighed as she continued to run her hand through Case's soft hair. The sensation of the short, silky strands flowing between her fingers was hypnotic and addictive. She found it impossible to stop and if she'd been double-jointed, she would have leaned over and kissed the woman. However, considering recent events, she doubted whether the action would be well received or not.

Rain sighed again. She'd been in a similar position earlier that morning after Case had told her about the hit that had gone so wrong. Case had so much pain, between her childhood traumas and her work for Antonio, and Rain wondered if Case would ever get a chance to work through it all.

Rain shook her head and dismissed the question. As long as she was around, Case would always have someone she could talk to. No matter what happened, she would be there for Case.

CHAPTER 24

CASE OPENED HER eyes and groaned at the crick she felt in her neck when she tried to sit up. She heard Rain moan behind her, probably from her own protesting muscles, as she also attempted to move. Case looked around and noticed it was dark outside through the glass wall.

"He didn't come to tell us to leave," Rain said, a little surprised.

"I didn't expect him to, not with what I'm paying him."

Case planted her hands on either side of her body to push herself to her feet and immediately regretted it, though she followed through with the maneuver and stood up. She glanced down at the backs of her hands as inconspicuously as she could and saw the already dark blue and purple bruises across her knuckles. The flesh was hard and swollen and she quickly started flexing her hands to limber them up. Her fingers were stiff, but nothing was broken.

Rain didn't notice Case taking personal inventory. She was a little busy trying to get the feeling back in her legs again. Case had been sprawled across her lap, and the weight had caused Rain's legs to go numb.

Case watched Rain shake her legs and beat her thighs to encourage the blood circulation, until Rain finally felt confident enough that her legs would support her when she tried to stand. Case felt a strange, internal warmth flow through her as she looked at Rain, and she suddenly had the urge to make physical contact with her. She wasn't entirely sure where it was coming from, but as soon as Rain was upright, Case made the decision not to hold back and pulled Rain into a hug.

She held the startled woman there for several minutes and refused to let go until Rain settled into the embrace. Case's emotions were a confused mess, but there was one thing she knew for sure. She just couldn't say it yet and holding Rain seemed to be the best way for her to get the feelings across to the woman.

But it wasn't long before the feelings of trust stirred her need to be on guard again. She couldn't let herself feel safe for too long. Her body wouldn't accept it just yet.

Case pulled back and turned away. She wished being with Rain wasn't so difficult for her, but she was still way too new at experiencing her emotions to be able to stand any kind of prolonged stationary contact. She needed to do something.

"Come on. Let's change our clothes and go back to the hotel," Case suggested.

Rain nodded, though she knew Case hadn't seen her. In fact, they barely made eye contact the whole time they were changing their clothes. Rain wondered what was going on in Case's head, but she didn't say anything. After her last few attempts to get Case to open up, she wasn't sure forcing Case to do anything was a very good idea.

The drive to the hotel was silent, and they entered their room just as quietly. Neither of them bothered to turn on the lights. There was enough illumination coming through the breaks in the curtains from the streetlamps outside to see the room fairly well. The darkness also made it easier to ignore the obvious tension that had built up during the ride over to the hotel. At least for a few moments anyway.

Rain kicked off her shoes, and Case followed suit. Then Case reached for Rain's tucked in shirt and started pulling it out of Rain's jeans. Rain placed her hands over Case's and halted the action, getting a flinch in response.

"Um, Case, can we talk for a moment?" Rain asked hesitantly.

Case looked up and nodded. They walked over to the bed and sat down facing each other, both of them half-bathed in blue-white, fluorescent light, causing the other half of their faces to be hidden in dark shadows.

"What did you want to talk about?" Case asked warily.

She didn't think she could take it if Rain said she didn't want to be with her anymore. Rain was the only thing she felt like she could count on at the moment and the phrase "I need her" kept echoing in Case's mind.

Rain tried to figure out where to start.

"Well... Every time something happens, we have sex. I just don't want that to be how you escape from all the stuff you're dealing with. I want you to want to be with me because..."

"I do," Case stopped Rain from saying anything further. "It's not that. I just... I think feeling all that shit is letting me feel other things. Things that I can't usually. Like what I feel for you. It's there, but I can really feel it right now. And I want to take advantage of that because I know it's going to be gone again." Rain opened her mouth to speak, but Case shook her head and held up her hand to stop her. "I want to be with you. I want to make love to you. Please."

Case couldn't believe she was actually asking to make love to Rain. She'd never done that in her entire life. She'd never felt close enough or had enough trust in anyone to risk that kind of rejection before. She'd never let anyone have that kind of control over her and she was still trying to process exactly why she was allowing Rain such a dangerous privilege.

Rain studied Case as she thought over what the blonde had told her. She knew Case had grown up stuffing her emotions in order to survive. Now that she was finally starting to work through some of the original traumas, it was opening her up to feeling in general and Rain didn't want to do anything to stop that. She wanted Case to feel as deeply for her as she did for Case, but sex wasn't always the best way to express that.

"What if we just held each other?" Rain asked, though her libido popped up and soundly disagreed with that idea, acknowledging that afterwards it would be great, but not just that.

Case lowered her head and tried to figure out how to explain to Rain what was going on inside her. The tips of her fingers were itching to feel Rain's skin, to make contact with another human being and just be herself, no conditions or threats. She didn't want to have to keep up her walls. She didn't want to be seen as a killer, or a hurt child, or an avenging daughter. She just wanted to be Case, a woman in love with another woman.

Case looked back up and held Rain's eyes with her own.

"I can feel you right now. I want to be with you. I want to touch you and know that it's okay. That you want me to touch you and you want to touch me. That it's not a bad thing and you're not going to hurt me. I want to be able to show you what I'm feeling. I can't do that with just a hug. And I don't have... I can't... There are words, but I can't say them.. yet." Case sighed. "Do you understand? I need you. Please don't make me push that away. Please."

Case turned away, unable to look into Rain's eyes anymore. This whole baring one's soul thing was a leap for Case and she wasn't sure she could take much more of it. What if Rain didn't care as much about her as she did for Rain? Thoughts started swirling through Case's mind, different scenarios, all of them bad, and it took a moment for Rain's next words to sink in.

"I need you, too," Rain admitted. "And I want to feel you. I want to make love with you, Case."

Case looked up and Rain saw the relief in Case's eyes, as they sat there in silence for a minute. Then Case stood up and reached out her hand to the still sitting woman.

"Take a shower with me?" Case entreated.

Rain smiled and nodded, as she took Case's hand and stood up. Rain was immediately pulled into a tight hug and she squeezed Case in return. It felt wonderful just holding Case and she never wanted to let go. Case's frame was solid, but also soft, and Rain could feel Case's ribcage expand and contract as she breathed. Rain didn't know why, but she felt like expelling a sigh of relief to have such solid proof that Case was alive and in her arms, as though she'd been told Case had died, but it had all been a mistake.

Case inhaled Rain's scent and let it fill her up with all the emotions she associated with the tall woman.

Safe. Cared for. Content. Understood. Cherished. Accepted. Loved.

The feelings were treasured all the more because Case knew it wouldn't be long before her walls came back up, and she would only be able to view the world from a distance the way she usually did. She knew enough psychology to know that she wasn't going to suddenly be healed of all her pain simply because she'd cried a few times. It had just made enough space for her to have a few hours with the woman she loved, unencumbered by the bulk of her past. And Case wasn't going to throw that opportunity away.