Assertiveness for Earth Angels: How to Be Loving Instead of Too Nice (5 page)

There are many other superpowers, too. Spend time pondering what yours is. Observe yourself with others or out in nature and notice what comes very easily and magically to you. That's your superpower!

Your superpower is a skill that you brought from heaven to help with your life mission. For example, if you can easily hear the voices of animals talking, then your life purpose involves animal communication. If you have a talent for predicting or influencing the weather, your purpose involves protecting people from major storms.

Taking Off Your Cape

Even superheroes need a day off. As Earth Angels, we're inordinately strong emotionally and physically. We're used to being the helpers in relationships, and the ones who come to everyone's rescue.

But sometimes our superpowers can confuse us. We may say yes to every request for help, without first meditating on how that new duty will impact our already-full schedule.

Even though you have broad shoulders and a big heart, your assertiveness training involves learning to say no, especially to unreasonable demands upon your time.

After all, time is your greatest resource in putting your life purpose into action. For example, if you're destined to become a healer in private practice and are intending to make this happen, you'll need to devote many hours to your clients. That means that any hours spent doing an activity purely because of guilt, out of obligation, or because you were bullied into it will be time taken away from your clients. That time spent doing something meaningless could be better directed toward healing someone—or even saving his or her life.

So if you're reluctant to say no to time and energy drains, then do it for your clients!

How to Stand Up for Yourself

When confronted with any form of danger, every living creature defends itself. This is a hardwired response built into every physical being to guarantee its survival. So it's okay to acknowledge to yourself that
you
have a defense mechanism.

This doesn't make you less spiritual or less angelic in any way. Again, think of warrior angels such as Archangel Michael with his sword and his armor, signifying that even the most peaceful angels have to sometimes go to battle. And there's a feminine equivalent to Archangel Michael's archetype within every woman. Research stories of strong warrior women, like Joan of Arc or the suffragettes.

When someone says or does something that stirs a reaction in you, it's very important to acknowledge your thoughts and feelings to yourself. Perhaps you notice that your stomach muscles tighten; you perspire; or you become flush with anger, rage, or even embarrassment.

If at all possible, walk away from the situation, even if you have to excuse yourself to go to the restroom. This moment away helps calm down your physiological reactions. Otherwise, you may act impulsively and say things that you later regret.

While you're alone, have an honest conversation with yourself. Begin by noticing how you feel physically. Is your heart racing, is your breathing shallow, or are your thoughts explosive? Any of these reactions can show that the other person has triggered anxiety within you.

This anxiety response is also called
fight or flight
. It's an instinctual response to danger. When there's danger, your instincts spur you into either fighting or running away (that is,
flight)
.

While you're by yourself and meditating, it's a good idea to pray for guidance, support, and peace. You want to be honest with yourself and with others, but you don't want to blow situations out of proportion. Nor do you want to engender hard feelings.

Whenever we avoid conflict by keeping our feelings to ourselves, we do ourselves and others a disservice. This is a form of dishonesty and manipulation. We're trying to control the other person's reactions by controlling what we tell them.

So that means you're being controlling if someone asks you if you're upset and you say that you aren't when you really are. You're trying to keep him or her from being angry with you or from starting an argument with you. Or, you're holding your feelings inside to prevent the other person from seeing that you are hurt.

Now, that doesn't mean you have to go to the other extreme and bulldoze the other person with the blunt truth.

There's an in-between way to handle conflict that's just right and very healthy and honest. After you've collected your thoughts and feelings, go to the person and say this magical phrase: “I'd like to clear some things with you.”

This nonthreatening phrase keeps communication open because the other person doesn't feel accused. Start by taking a deep breath and silently praying for strength and a clear mind. Even though your heart may be racing and you might even be perspiring, know that anytime you do something for the first time, you'll feel intimidated or afraid. Each time you practice a new behavior, it becomes easier and more natural.

Look the other person in the eye and say to him or her from your heart and without apology: “I really care about our relationship, so I need to share my feelings in order for us to clear them.”

Now, the other person
may
feel threatened by this and might immediately become defensive or even argumentative. Don't let this throw you, unless the other person becomes verbally or physically abusive.

(Don't try to negotiate with an abusive person, especially if he or she intoxicated. If abuse occurs, leave immediately and seek appropriate support or protection.)

In most situations, others will be open to hearing you. During your discussion, it's vital that you own your feelings. This means: don't use blaming or shaming words. Even if you
do
blame them,
saying
that you do will shut down all further communication.

Use phrases such as
I feel, I felt
, and
to me
. This way, you're not poking and prodding at the other person with accusatory phrases, and inadvertently provoking their defensiveness.

Do your best to keep your cool while talking about and owning your feelings. If you start to cry, let yourself be real. The same with anger: allow yourself to be authentic, but don't act on this emotion, such as by yelling or calling names. Also, please don't put
yourself
down in any way.

Don't diminish, disparage, or apologize for your feelings . . .
ever!
Remember: You have a right to your feelings, even if other people don't understand or agree with them! Your feelings are your signals of deep truths inside of you. They're the language of your soul, and they need you to listen to them.

After you've talked about your feelings, allow the other person to explain his or her own. There are always two sides to every story. However, notice your gut feelings while you're listening. If you get an uneasy feeling that the other person is covering his or her tracks or being dishonest with you, then note that—because he or she probably
is
.

As your assertiveness level grows stronger, you'll have the courage to say to a person who's lying to you, “I don't believe what you're saying,” or something equivalent. But for now, just notice that you get the feeling that he or she is being dishonest, manipulative, or defensive.

This isn't the kind of person you want to spend much time with. Those are toxic behavior patterns that permeate all of that individual's relationships.

If the other person starts blaming you or is defensive, the conversation will go in an unproductive direction. Blaming is a key symptom of the ego's fears about being exposed. As long as one or both of you are involved in blaming, nothing will get resolved.

Toxic relationships will pull you down every time. You don't need to have one when there are so many
non
toxic potential friends and partners available. Never believe you have to settle for an unhealthy relationship. You don't.

Boundaries

A boundary is your limit, which no one can overstep or violate. No matter who the other person is or how much you love him or her, your boundary is something that he or she is not allowed to breach.

For instance, I have boundaries in all of my relationships that dictate that you must treat me with respect. I, in turn, will treat you with respect. This is a non-negotiable boundary for me, and if anyone violates this and is disrespectful toward me, I will try to clear the energy by discussing my feelings and boundaries, and then listening to the other person. If he or she continues to be disrespectful toward me, the relationship is over, without any guilt on my part. I still love the person, but because of the behavior overstepping my firm boundary, I no longer have contact with him or her. Boundaries are a necessary part of self-care, just like washing your hair or wearing shoes to protect your feet. They are healthy, normal, and necessary.

Every relationship has issues and negotiations about each person's personal boundaries. So it's not
whether
you have conflict, but
how you deal with conflict
that matters for a long-term relationship.

Personal boundaries include how much . . .

• . . . body space and distance from other people you need.
  
• . . . time alone you prefer.
  
• . . . affection and romance you require.
  
• . . . you need to hear words of affection.
  
• . . . you need your personal items to be left alone and untouched by others.
  
• . . . importance you attach to honesty, reliability, and sobriety within the relationship.
  
• . . . financial equality and fairness matter to you. [. . . and so forth.]
  

Part of being an assertive Earth Angel is learning how to have the strength and the courage to maintain your boundaries. It can get exhausting when it feels like other people are trying to step all over them. It might wear you down, and you start to think,
Does this really matter?
Well, it does!

Your inner self relies upon your outer self for caretaking. You might say that your inner self is like a little child you're nurturing. That means that if it's tired or needs to play, your outer self should honor this and not push your inner self beyond its limits.

Even though the other person may be disappointed or even angry when you say no, believe me when I tell you that he or she
does
understand. Remember that the other person is human, too, and knows what limitations are like. Even if your refusal comes as a disappointment, deep down he or she will respect you for it!

When you say no, you're modeling healthy behavior for others. Part of the reason why they may react angrily toward you is because it's never occurred to them that
they
could say no to unreasonable demands put upon their own time!

So when you do something that people haven't seen you do previously—like saying no—they may be surprised. They may take your refusal personally, and it's okay for you to briefly explain that this isn't anything personal and has to do with you maintaining clear boundaries with respect to your schedule.

Don't feel like you have to explain why you're saying no, though. The more you explain why, the more leverage the other person has, which he or she can use to manipulate you into changing that
no
into a
yes
.

Boundaries mean that you teach people what you will and won't accept in the relationship. They can be a lot of work, but that's what it takes to build a healthy relationship with yourself and others.

Respect your right to schedule your time. Don't allow others to dictate your schedule to you. For instance, you have the right to not answer the phone or doorbell when it rings, and to not feel obligated to immediately answer e-mails or social-media posts. If someone asks you to drop everything to drive him or her across town, you have the right to say no. It's like the adage “Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.” We must overcome impulsive rescuing tendencies, unless it's an actual emergency and we feel internally guided to help.

Source
Is the Only Source

A lot of people use guilt to manipulate others into getting their way. They also include flattery mixed with guilt. So, as an example, they'll say, “Only
you
can help me; and if you don't help me, there will be horrible consequences for me.”

As a sensitive Earth Angel, you don't want anyone to suffer, so you allow the other person's words to manipulate and control you. Then you feel weak and used, as well as resentful and angry. Add to this the frustration that arises because you've backtracked on your promise to take excellent care of yourself . . . and you've got a heap of toxic energies inside your mind, emotions, and body.

It's so important to remind yourself that every person has the same Source:
God
. Those who play with your emotions to get their way are creations of God, just like you and everyone else. You're not their God, nor are you their Source. So, allow Source God to be each person's caretaker. Pray for guidance about how you can truly help others gain strength and be self-sufficient.