At Last (4 page)

“
Very well.” He drew a
deep breath, then began, “The day I met you had, until that moment,
been very difficult for me, as had the entire preceding year. It
was the anniversary of a carriage accident. One that took the lives
of both my parents and my sister.”

His words seemed to hang in the air between
them and Ian braced himself for the onslaught of painful memories
bombarding him. Shocked distress filled her eyes and she captured
his hands in hers. “Oh, Ian. How awful. I’m so sorry.”

He gave a tight nod and gripped her hands.
Bloody hell, he hated talking about this. Hated the horrible images
flashing through his mind. Determined to get this over with, he
continued in a rush, “We were returning to Melrose after an
extended visit with Da’s sister and her family. It had rained hard
the night before, and the roads were rutted and slippery. We should
have waited to leave...”

He looked down and whispered the words that
had haunted him since that day, words he’d never spoken aloud. “It
was my fault.”

“
Ian, no--“

“
Yes
.” Gut churning, he raised his gaze to hers.
“
I’m
the one who
wanted to return to Melrose. To attend a riding party scheduled for
the following day.” A bitter sound escaped him and he pulled his
hands from hers to press the heels of his palms against his
throbbing forehead. After drawing a shuddering breath he continued,
“The carriage threw a wheel and went over a rocky ledge.” The
sickening sensation of the carriage rolling over and over tightened
his stomach and the sound of his mum’s and Fia’s screams, mingled
with his father’s and Ian’s shouts echoed through his mind. And
then the silence...the terrifying silence.

He dragged his hands down his face. “I lost
consciousness. I don’t know for how long. When I came around, I
discovered my mum, my da, my sister Fia, as well as the driver were
dead.”

The carriage passed beneath a gas lamp,
illuminating Ian’s features and Sophia’s heart squeezed at the raw
anguish in his eyes. “Dear God, Ian.” She reached out and once
again clasped his hands, noting that his were cold and trembling.
“I don’t know what to say other than I’m so terribly sorry for your
loss. And that you must stop blaming yourself.”

“
Why? If I hadn’t been so
intent on returning home, they’d still be alive. They all died, yet
I was barely injured. Just a bump on my head, some bruised ribs and
a broken arm.” He looked at her through bleak eyes. “Why I didn’t
die as well? God knows I wanted to, and God knows I considered
taking my own life.”

The pain in his eyes, in his voice pierced
Sophia’s soul and she clung tighter to his hands. “Thank God you
didn’t.”

A humorless sound escaped him. “The only
reason I didn’t was because the people of Melrose and the
neighboring villages that had depended on my da and Marlington
lands for their livelihood now depended on me and the
responsibility wasn’t one my conscience would allow me to shirk.
Looking back, I’m not certain how I did it when the mere act of
drawing a breath seemed an effort.”

“
I understand that feeling
very well,” she murmured. “Losing someone you love is like losing
part of yourself. I cannot imagine the pain of simultaneously
losing three people you loved.

He nodded then continued, “It wasn’t the
responsibilities of running the estate that confounded me--my da
had taught me well. Indeed, I was grateful to have something to
occupy my time. What I couldn’t tolerate was people looking at me
with pity. And the constant talk of the accident--I didn’t want to
talk about it. The stream of callers never stopped, and as the
months passed the callers came to include mothers toting along
their marriage-aged daughters. That’s when it dawned on me that I
was one of the most sought-after bachelors in Scotland.

“
In the months that
followed, I felt like a hunted man. I couldn’t venture into the
village without hearing the whispers. Match-making mothers from
every level of the peerage sought an audience with me under the
guise of sympathy calls, not to mention the women themselves who
thought a man in my position required a mistress, or at least a
short term liaison. I finally stopped accepting callers and no
longer left the estate. I soon was referred to as a crabbitt
recluse.”

With his gaze steady on hers, he said, “The
day I met you, I’d wandered the estate for hours, reflecting on the
horror of the past year and all I’d lost. Wondering how, where I’d
find the will to face another year. To face another day. And then I
saw you. You were like a vision in the sunshine, sent to remind me
what happiness looked like, felt like. I’d been numb for so long,
and when I realized you didn’t know who I was, thought I was the
groundskeeper, I couldn’t resist allowing you to believe it, at
least for a little while.”

He reached out and
Sophia’s breath caught when he gently brushed his fingertips over
her cheek. “That first magical afternoon with you was the first
time in a year I’d felt anything other than pain and misery. You
saw only Ian--no title, no wealth. You cannot imagine how
refreshing, how liberating that was. Plus, you were clearly no more
anxious to speak of the past than I was, a relief to be sure. After
you agreed to send for your things at the inn and stay with me in
the hunting lodge you believed was the groundskeeper cottage, I
decided there was no immediate need to tell you. I knew in my heart
I needed to, but as the weeks passed I was not only unsure
how
to tell you, I also
feared you’d be so angry I hadn’t been honest from the beginning,
you’d leave. And I wanted you to stay. More than I wanted my next
breath. But you left anyway. And I had to find you. To tell you the
truth. To beg your forgiveness for being less than completely
honest. And to let you know how much our time together meant to
me.” He regarded her through solemn eyes. “Everything, Sophia,” he
said softly. “It meant everything.”

Hot moisture pushed behind Sophia’s eyes.
Framing his face between her hands, she said, “I knew the moment I
saw you that you’d suffered great loss--it was the source of the
immediate kinship I experienced with you. I simply didn’t know how
very great that loss was. I’m sorry for all you’ve suffered. Sorry
you still blame yourself. It was God’s will, Ian, and something
only He understands. Please don’t blame yourself for living.
Embrace the gift of life you were given and live it to the fullest.
You’re a wonderful man. In every way. And you deserve every
happiness.”

A shudder wracked his large frame. He closed
his eyes and turned his head to press a fervent kiss against her
palm, a gesture that made the area surrounding her heart go hollow.
“Thank you, Sophia. Telling you everything...I feel as if a weight
has been lifted from my shoulders.”

His whispered words blew warm against her
palm, and unable to stop herself, she touched her lips to his
forehead. “I’m glad. And for that reason alone I wish you’d told me
sooner. And now I owe you the same courtesy--the truth.”

After pressing another kiss against her
palm, he leaned back. “I’m listening.”

“
I traveled to Scotland
because I was desperately unhappy. And lonely...so horribly lonely.
Even when I was surrounded by people I felt alone. Not even the
company of my closest friends brought me comfort. I prayed a
holiday somewhere I’d never been would cure my melancholy. That a
complete change of scenery, where I knew no one and no one knew me,
would help me regain the part of myself that had died along with my
husband.”

“
You must have loved him
very much.”

“
Yes...but not at first.
My father, who wasn’t titled, inherited a great fortune when I was
fifteen, one he was determined to use to marry his only child into
the peerage. I was apprehensive, especially as Robert was nearly
thirty years my senior, but my fears were allayed when I met him.
He was very kind and needed to marry an heiress to fill the empty
family coffers. It wasn’t a love match, but our affection grew into
a mutual love and respect. He was an exceptional man. Intelligent
and witty. A loving husband.” She hesitated, then added softly,
“And father.”

Ian went perfectly still. “Father? You...you
have children?”

“
A son.
Edward.”

“
How old is
he?”

“
Fifteen.” As it always
did, her heart swelled at the thought of her son. “He’s a
compassionate and extraordinarily bright young man. After Robert’s
death, Edward became the only bright spot in my existence, which I
learned is a terrible burden to place upon a child. Rather than
concentrating on his studies at Eton, Edward spent his time
worrying about me. I was bereft last year at the thought of once
again being alone when the new school term commenced after his
summer holiday. While I never told him, he clearly sensed my
distress because he informed me he didn’t wish to return to Eton.
He wanted to remain in the country with me and be taught by private
tutors. He wouldn’t admit that my melancholy was the reason, but of
course it was. That was the moment I realized I had to fix
myself--for my son’s benefit as much as my own.”

“
So you traveled to
Scotland.”

“
Yes. I promised Edward
that if he would focus on his studies at Eton, I would return the
mother he’d known before Robert’s death. I had no idea how I
intended to keep that vow, but I was determined to do so. Pure
chance led me to Melrose. For reasons I didn’t fully understand, I
omitted my title when registering at the inn there. Looking back, I
suppose I was trying to recapture the happy, carefree days of my
youth, before I became an heiress, and was sought after for my
fortune.”

“
Not very pleasant--being
wanted primarily because of your wealth.”

“
No, it’s not,” she
agreed. “So, in Melrose, I was merely Sophia Mallory. Eager to
explore, I went for a walk as soon as I arrived. I wandered into a
beautiful meadow and picked a handful of roses. Holding those
flowers, feeling the warmth of such a lovely day, it suddenly felt
as if something inside me shifted--like a dark cloud dissipating so
the sun could shine through. A joy I hadn’t felt since before
Robert’s death bubbled up inside me. I spun around in pure delight,
feeling free in a way I hadn’t since I was a girl. And when I
stopped spinning, I saw you. I considered telling you my title, but
when you confirmed you were the groundskeeper, I changed my mind. A
groundskeeper wouldn’t chat so informally with a countess, and I
had no desire to end our conversation. By the end of our walk
through the garden I knew I wanted us to become lovers.”

His lips twitched. “I’m heartbroken it took
you that long to realize it. I knew the instant I laid eyes on
you.”

“
I still considered
telling you, but after a few weeks with you in the cottage, my
title simply ceased to matter. I loved the simplicity of our
existence. Loved being simply Sophia. I knew I’d have to return to
my world, but until that time, I didn’t want anything of my life in
England to intrude on my happiness. Because Ian, I was truly happy.
I never thanked you properly, so I hope you’ll accept my gratitude
now.”

“
Then why did you leave?
And so abruptly?”

“
When you mentioned me
staying longer than the two months I’d planned, it burst the bubble
surrounding me. I realized I’d inadvertently led you to believe our
arrangement could continue for an extended duration. It seemed too
late to tell you the truth, yet I couldn’t bring myself to lie to
you any longer. That last night, it became clear that your feelings
for me were stronger than I’d ever anticipated them becoming.” She
drew a deep breath, then added, “As were my feelings for
you.”

Fire and something that looked alarmingly
like hope kindled in his eyes. He lifted her hands to his lips and
gently kissed the backs of her fingers. “You’ve no idea how glad I
am to hear of these strong feelings for me, Sophia.”

Before she could tell him that he shouldn’t
be glad, that those feelings were impossible, the carriage jerked
to a halt.

“
We have arrived,” Ian
said softly.

Chapter 5

Sophia halted just inside the drawing room.
“What’s all this?” she asked, sweeping her arm toward the round
table set before the hearth where a cheery fire crackled.

Ian assessed the table with a critical eye
and was pleased to note his instructions to the staff had been
perfectly carried out during his absence. “A surprise. For
you.”

She walked across the room then slowly
circled the table. “Roses, cherries, marzipan, scones and raspberry
marmalade,” she murmured, gently trailing her fingertips around the
polished wood edge. “All my--“

“
Favorite things. Aye.”
Ian leaned against the hearth and crossed his arms over his
chest--the only way he could keep from yanking her into his arms.
Bloody hell, if he’d thought it difficult not to pounce upon her
before, it was nearly impossible not to do so now, when no more
secrets existed between them. When he’d bared his soul to her, and
she’d admitted to having strong feelings for him.

Based on her reaction to their kiss on the
terrace, he didn’t doubt he could seduce her, but he wanted more
than a quick romp. Wanted more than her body. He wanted her heart.
And wanted her to know she owned his. Although she’d owned it from
the first moment he’d seen her, he’d never told her so, something
he’d castigated himself for every day for the past six months.
Surely if he’d told her, she wouldn’t have left him. He’d intended
to, but hadn’t felt the need to rush, especially as he believed she
knew, even without the words, how deeply he cared for her. Bloody
hell, it had seemed as if his feelings all but glowed from him.