Athena's Ashes (18 page)

Fuck this. She wasn’t going to wait around for Finn to feel like talking to her. He’d just have to deal with her now, whether he liked it or not.

She quickly dried off, then threw on a sweater and a clean pair of leggings. She was going to tell him the truth about what happened. It would be up to him after that.

Renna crossed to the hatch. A knock stopped her, hand halfway to the control panel.

“Renna? We need to talk.”

She blinked at the door. Finn hadn’t been able to let more than an hour go by either. “Are we going to talk or are you going to throw accusations at me?” she finally asked.

“Please open the door. I don’t want to do this standing in the hallway.”

Renna pressed the control pad, then crossed her arms and stepped aside as the door slid open. “Fine. Come in.”

Finn took up a spot beside the table, his gaze resting on her for a moment before sliding away.

Silence stretched between them, and she clenched her fists. She was damned if she was going to talk first. He’d come to her room. Let him make the first move.

Finally, he sighed heavily and raked a hand through his dark hair. “Look, I’m sorry I jumped to conclusions about you and Blake. I saw the two of you pressed together like that and thought the worst.” He met her gaze. “I was jealous.”

Renna raised an eyebrow. “That’s no excuse for acting like an asshole. Nothing happened between Blake and me. Ever.”

Finn nodded. “I know. Blake told me the same thing.”

Her chest tightened. “What?”

“I asked Blake about it. He said you were sparring.”

She dropped her voice until it was dangerously low. “You went to Blake first before coming to talk to me?”

Finn blinked as he realized his misstep. “No. I, uh. See…”

Renna threw up a hand. “Don’t even try. How can you scream at me about trust when you didn’t even have the common decency to come talk to me about the situation?”

“Renna, that’s not it.”

She cocked her head. “No? Then would you care to explain? ‘Cause that’s how it looks from my end.”

Finn growled. “Look, I’ve spent the last two weeks worried about you. I had no idea if you were safe, if I’d ever see you again, or if you’d even done what you said you were going to do.”

“If I
what
?” Renna gaped at him. Had he really just said that? “You’ve never trusted me, have you?”

The walls of her room closed in, making it feel no bigger than a closet. Her legs itched to pace, her hands curled into fists, ready to strike out at something, but she was trapped here against the door, staring at someone she thought had loved her.

Finn yanked a chair away from the table and sat down heavily. “You know my past. You know that I’ve always had a hard time trusting people. I was burned too many times—by Blur, by the gang, even by people I thought had my back. It’s easier for me to expect the worst. That way I’m not hurt if it happens.”

“Join the fucking club.”

He nodded. “I know. You haven’t had it easy either. I don’t know what to say but that I’m sorry and I want to fix this.”

“Fix this? I didn’t think anything was broken until you freaked out on me for no reason.” She glared at him. “I’m not going to do this.”

His gaze snapped to hers. “Do what?”

“Dance around your feelings and try to figure out what it is you want from me. Let me tell you a few truths. I’m a thief. I always have been, and even if I give it up and walk the straight and narrow, I always will be. Obviously you still have a problem with that. With trusting me.”

“I don’t…”

“You do,” she insisted. “You’ve already planned out my life when this is over. Some boring desk job where you can make sure I behave while you go out and have your adventures. It’s not going to happen, Finn. I could never be that person. And I don’t want to be with someone who wants that for me either.”

Finn stared down at his hands clenched together on the table. She didn’t think he was going to answer, but he finally spoke softly. “I don’t want that for you, Renna. At least not consciously. I just don’t want you in danger. I want you to be safe. I care about you, and it scares me. And when I get scared, I try to control things.”

“No kidding.” The words slipped out before she could stop them, and she winced. Being sarcastic right now would not help the situation.

But Finn didn’t respond to her taunt. “It was easy to jump to conclusions about you and Blake because it was something else to focus on, something I could control. It was right there in front of me, and I could get angry about it. Do something about it. I can’t do the same thing with Samil or MYTH.” He finally looked up at her. “But I do trust you. I know you’d never betray me or MYTH.”

“Damn straight. I gave you my word. Everything I’ve done since you found me a month ago has been to help you and your damned organization. And look where it’s gotten me. I’m turning into a fucking monster. You’ll have to excuse me if I’ve been a little preoccupied. I don’t have a lot of extra energy to spend on figuring out how to make you happy.”

She blinked back the sudden tears that burned her eyes. Was Finn so focused on his own feelings that he couldn’t see how terrified she was herself? “I don’t know what you want from me, Finn. But I don’t have anything else to say to you right now. To be honest, the only thing I want to do right now is tell you to fuck off and kick you out of my cabin.”

It was so much easier to be on her own, to not have to answer to anyone else. Now that she cared about what Finn thought, it felt like she’d given him too much power over her. Having to deal with someone else’s expectations pissed her off.

It would be so much easier to walk away now.

“Kicking me out won’t solve anything, will it?” he asked. “So what do we do?”

She shrugged. “Fuck?”

A smile tugged at the corner of his lips but he shook his head. “There’s nothing I’d like more. But that’s only a temporary solution. I care about you too much to let this go, Ren.” He met her gaze, blue eyes full of pain. “But you’re a hard woman to love. It’s like trying to hold sand in your hand. The tighter you squeeze, the faster it escapes. You fascinate and terrify me at the same time. The only thing I do know is that I’d like to be with you when this is all over so we can figure
us
out.”

Renna stared at the dark stubble that shadowed his jaw, the slump to his shoulders. What was she doing here with him? With these people? She was becoming someone she didn’t even recognize.

The only thing she’d ever been good at was running away. But if she stayed with Finn, she’d have to choose to move forward. She’d have to learn how to face her problems instead of pushing them away. She’d locked away her feelings for so long, pretended they didn’t affect her. Could she even change at this point?

Renna stared down at her hands. Was fighting for Finn worth it? Or was fighting Samil the only thing she should focus on right now?

Her pulse thudded sluggishly in her ears. Maybe they were the same thing. Maybe by choosing to move forward with Finn, she was fighting for herself and her future. Choosing to take back her power from Samil.

There were no guarantees in life; she knew that all too well. She and Finn might never make it, but if she didn’t try, if she didn’t give their relationship a chance, she’d regret it for the rest of her life. She couldn’t let fear win.

If Renna ran from this like she always had, that’s exactly what would happen.

She met Finn’s gaze, fingers twisting in the hem of her sweater. The words felt like marbles in her mouth, like she could barely speak around them, but somehow she got them out. “I want to be with you, too. I want to figure out what’s between us.”

Finn’s face softened with his smile.

Renna continued before he could interrupt. “But you have to trust me, Finn. I would never cheat on you or betray you. I never have, and I’ve had plenty of opportunities. We’re in this together—at least until we decide we’re not.”

There. She’d said it. And the world hadn’t come crashing down around her. She smoothed the front of her shirt where she’d twisted it into tiny hills.

“Do you forgive me?” he asked hopefully.

Renna nodded. “We’re both new to this relationship business. We’re going to make mistakes, but we have to talk about them, okay?

“Promise.”

“Promise.” Renna met Finn’s gaze across the room, and the atmosphere in the cabin went from tense to something else in a matter of seconds. She’d never been in a relationship long enough to have make-up sex, but she’d heard fantastic things about it.

Finn’s eyes darkened, and they threw themselves at each other at the same moment, bodies crashing together as their lips made contact like heat-seeking missiles, an explosive fusion of skin and scent and passion. Finn pushed her back against the door, pressing his body to hers, covering her completely. Their tongues warred and caressed each other, and she tasted him—citrus and sandalwood.

She had the instant thought that this was what home must feel like, but it was gone a moment later, pushed away by the feel of his muscles beneath her fingers. Finn jerked her tightly against him, the pressure of his mouth, his tongue, sending shivers down her spine as he deepened their kiss.

Renna’s hands drifted up to tangle in the hair at the base of his neck. She never wanted to let go, but Finn broke away, gasping for breath. Their gazes met, and he smiled slightly.

She shoved a strand of hair behind her ear and tried to normalize her breathing. “So, Captain. What are you doing for the next few hours?”

“Hopefully you?”

“Smart man. I plan on taking up most of your schedule. Good thing I’ve had a birth control implant since I was thirteen.”

“A very good thing.” With a wolfish grin, he scooped her up and carried her to the bed. Renna settled between his arms as he lowered both of them to the mattress. Finn’s eyes searched hers and something twisted inside her, taking up residence in her heart, filling it with what felt suspiciously like love. She wanted to look away, to break the connection between them. It was too much, too raw. But she didn’t. Especially after the conversation they’d just had. If she
was
falling in love with this man, she wanted to be with him for real, for however long she had.

With a low growl, Finn captured her lips with his again, his tongue dipping into her mouth, teasing her with what was to come. His arms caged her, supporting his weight above her, and Renna slid her hands beneath his shirt, feeling the smoothness of his skin, the ridges of muscles, the faint scars left from his past life.

Her hands drifted higher, grazing his nipples, and he sucked in a breath. Renna grinned against his lips and did it again, before yanking his shirt up and over his head.

Finn grabbed the hem of her shirt, and she struggled to free herself as his tongue traced patterns across her abdomen. He stared down at her breasts, still bare after her shower, then lowered his mouth to one of her nipples.

A burst of heat flared through her as he worshiped her with his mouth. Renna arched her back, whimpering as pleasure wound tighter and tighter in her midsection. He flicked her nipple with his tongue, and she gasped as heat shot through her in a blaze that left her breathless.

“I love that sound,” he said, raising his head to meet her half-lidded gaze. “Should we see if I can make you repeat it?”

She could only nod as he moved to her other breast. A moan escaped her again as the wave of pleasure started to build, and she buried her hands in his hair to hold him close to her.

His hardness pressed against her, and Renna let her hands drift down his hard abs until she found the waistband of his trousers. Slowly she unzipped them, sliding her hands beneath the fabric to touch him. He was hard as steel and soft as velvet, and all she wanted was to feel him inside her.

“I want you,” she whispered.

Finn responded instantly, going even harder than she’d thought possible. In seconds he’d stripped off his pants and pulled hers off as well. They tangled back together like magnets, skin to skin.

Renna kissed him deeply. As if she could make him feel how much she cared for him without saying the words. Her hands slid down his body until she found his cock, hard and ready for her.

“I need you,” she whispered. “Now.”

With a growl, Finn rose above her, positioning himself between her thighs before thrusting into her. She gasped as he stretched and filled her, deep enough that she could feel him at her very core. Slowly he slid himself in and out, teasing her, testing her. Each movement made her body convulse, heat and pleasure surging through her until her eyes rolled back and she let herself escape into the feelings.

His fingers traced her jaw, and he lowered himself to kiss her again, still keeping up the slow, intense thrusts that were driving her insane.

Renna’s whole body trembled at his touch, screaming for release. She moaned against his lips, then grabbed his ass, hoping to force him to go faster, to ride her until she exploded.

“Please, Finn,” she begged, arching her back and trying to climb inside him.

He stroked her cheek with a single finger. “Only if you call me Nick.”

Her eyes flew open. “Nick?”

“My name. No one uses it. I’d like you to be the only one.”

Something warm and soft flowed through her chest. Was she worthy of this kind of intimacy? Especially with him? She pulled his mouth back to hers. “I want you, Nick,” she whispered as she kissed him.

He groaned, thrusting hard and deep, and all other thoughts flew from her mind. Renna gasped as he gathered her into his arms and flipped onto his back. “Ride me, Renna. I want to watch you as you come apart.”

She smiled seductively. “My pleasure.” Renna slid down the length of him, her fingers tracing his nipples as he filled her. She could feel him, rock hard inside her as she rocked against him.

He grabbed her hips, holding her to him, then thrust into her, harder and harder until they were both panting. Finn captured her hands in his and pulled her down until their foreheads touched and their breaths mingled. As their gazes met, something wordless passed between them. Something she hadn’t felt in years. Love. A promise of more.