Atone (9 page)

“I'm fucking pissed off at her!”

“I thought she was perrrrrfect.”

“Perfect people don't fuck your best friend!”

“Oh, shit.”

“Perfect people don't abort your baby and then act like you
made
them do it.”

“Jesus.”

“Perfect people don't torture you imagining what that baby would've looked like.”

“Oh, my God.”

“And perfect people don't get raped and murdered by some sick fuck so you can't be mad at them for all the fucked-up things they put you through before they died.”

“Oh, Beau.”

“Are you fucking happy now?”

She puts her hands on my face. “I'm
so
sorry.”

“I love her, but I fucking hate her. You're not supposed to hate someone who died the way she did. It's not fucking right.”

“None of it is right. What she did to you or what happened to her. It's okay. It's okay.”

She presses her lips to my face over and over. Her kisses are wet, and then I realize it's me. I'm fucking crying like a fucking baby, which pisses me off even more. Goddamn it. I roll off her onto my back and scrub my hands over my face. She brings my arm around her and lays her head on my chest, holding me tight. She dries my face with my T-shirt. I'm tired. I'm so fucking tired.

I've been holding it all in for six years. I couldn't tell anyone any of this. Not my lawyers, not Cora, no one. It would've been
more
evidence to pile on the mountain they already had against me. It wouldn't have helped me and it wouldn't have brought her back. So I buried it, carrying it around inside me like a parasitic twin that fed off my good memories of Cassandra until I hardly had any left and I hated myself.

Beau stares at the ceiling, tears flowing from the corners of his eyes into his hair. I'm not sure he realizes he's crying or if he even knows I'm here. He's somewhere else in his head. Since the dam broke, he hasn't stopped talking. All of the thoughts and feelings he's kept boarded up for the past six years keep flowing like a bleeding wound that can't be stanched.

“I don't really hate her,” he mumbles. “I shouldn't have said any of that shit about her.”

“I know you don't,” I tell him, stroking his face. “It's okay to be mad at her.”

“All the shit she went through before she died. We had our problems, but I never would've wanted any of that to happen to her.” He presses the heels of his hands against his eyelids. “I can't get the coroner photos out of my head. The diagrams of her wounds. The description of the rape and the…He fucking turned her over and raped her that way too. Hours. He spent hours on her. He stuffed her panties in her mouth and taped it shut to keep her quiet so he could fuck her over and over and no one would hear.

“She fucking fucked my best friend, but she didn't deserve that. She didn't deserve it.” He rolls over on his side, curling his big body away from me. “She didn't fucking deserve it.”

“I know.” I hug him from behind. “It's okay.”

“I was going to break things off with her. I couldn't deal with what she did. I tried. I just couldn't.”

He rolls back toward me. We're on our sides, face-to-face. His eyes are dry and fevered. He blinks at me slowly, as though he's just remembering I'm here.

“I'm sorry.” He wraps his arms around me, bringing me in close. “I shouldn't drink. I'm shit at this kind of stuff sober and, apparently, worse drunk. Tell me to shut up.”

“Do you feel better?”

“No.”

“Lighter?”

“No. Just tired.”

“Then maybe we should go to sleep.”

We get out of bed and then get back in the right way, pulling the covers over us. I've never slept in a bed with a man before. The only time I ever shared a bed was with another girl out of necessity, so I don't know how this is supposed to work. Beau gets comfortable and then brings me in close to his side. He's big and warm and safe-feeling.

He makes a noise somewhere between a growl and a moan as I shift to find the right spot. “I like it when you rub up against me like that.”

“I'm trying to get comfortable.”

“Roll on your side.” I do, and he spoons me from behind. “Better?”

“Except for that thing poking me.”

He laughs. “That's what happens when you rub against me. Ignore it. It'll go away.”

In a matter of moments he's asleep, but I lie awake, thinking about the things we did and what he told me. There's so much more to him than I originally thought. I don't know what happened to him today to make him come here instead of going to Cora or a friend. Did he get what he was looking for, what he needed? I got something I didn't even know I wanted or needed. A lot more. His arm is tight around me and there isn't an inch of me that doesn't feel him. He's invaded my body and my mind and completely taken over my life.

I'm so far out of my depth with him. I don't know what to do with him and I don't want to do without him. Whatever this is between us is the biggest thing that's ever happened to me. It feels inevitable, like we're opposite poles of a magnet, drawn toward each other by some unseen force. If either of us tried to walk away, some other circumstances would force us back together. From that first moment in the reception area of the office, we connected. Maybe it's just for the time being. Maybe we'll get what we want or need from each other, then move on. But right now we're exactly where we're supposed to be.

The past few years I've learned a lot about trying to live in the moment and to just
be.
It's taken me a long time to get here. When I think about all I've been through, it feels as though it happened to a different person. And yet when I read Marie's Tumblr I was brought right back to where I started. Maybe I need to go back to go forward. I drift off to sleep, thinking about how far I've come and how much farther I still have to go and what part Beau will play.

I wake up to someone pounding on my skull with a thousand little hammers. The room is dark, but daylight glows around the edges of the curtains.
What time is it?
I try to move, but I'm pinned down. Beau's arm is banded around me just under my breasts. His leg weighs down my legs. He faces away from me on his stomach, snoring loud enough to wake the whole motel. The sound is doing terrible things to the inside of my head. Next to me the clock reads six fifteen. My mouth feels like it's been stuffed with cotton, then glued shut. I need the bathroom and a glass of water in that order. I shove at Beau, but he doesn't respond. I try shouting as loud as my head will let me and push at him. I manage to get him to stop snoring for about two seconds, then he goes back to splitting my eardrums.

I raise my hand as high as I can get it and smack him hard on his bare ass. He jumps.

Groaning, he grips his head. “Fuuuuuck.”

I jab him with my elbow. “Get off me so I can pee.”

He moves his leg, still complaining about his head, and I slip out of bed and do my business. I come back with two glasses of water and a bottle of painkillers. Beau's on his back, rubbing his eyes, making grumbling noises about all the drinking we did last night.

“Here.” I give him a glass and pour four pills into his hand.

I take some too and down the whole glass of water, then climb back into bed. Closing my eyes, I wait for the painkillers to do their work, trying to move as little as possible.

“Getting drunk sucks,” Beau says and groans. “Why do people do it?”

“It was fun
last night.
”

“But not worth it this morning. My fucking head.”

“Quieter, please.”

“Are you all right?”

“I'm trying real hard to keep the pills down.”

“No, I mean about what we did.”

Cracking an eye, I turn to look at him. “The sex stuff?”

“Yeah.” There's a deep crease between his brows.

I throw an arm over my eyes and try to focus on not vomiting in front of him. “I'm fine. It was great. You're a god. Blah, blah, blah.”

His chuckle turns into a moan. “God. I am never drinking again.” His arm snakes around my middle. “I meant I didn't take advantage of you, did I? The drinking…”

“I think at the end there it was
me
taking advantage of
you.
”

“That part
was
pretty awesome.” I can hear the smile in his voice. He kisses my shoulder. “You're sure about having the birth control covered?”

“Totally covered. No worries there.”

“If anything does happen, I'm here for whatever you want.” He lays his head on my shoulder. His hair tickles my chin. “Shit. I really suck at this. I know better than anyone not to take chances like that. I'm sorry. I didn't mean for that to happen.”

“It takes two to tango, Captain. I just need to know you're clean and we're all good.”

“I am. One hundred percent.”

“Can we go back to sleep now?”

“Just one more thing.”

“
God,
you're chatty in the morning.”

I can feel his face crease into a smile. “Not usually.”

“What is it?”

He runs his thumb along my collarbone in light, caressing strokes. “I don't do stuff like that. I'm not…That's not me. I don't fuck around.”

“Me either.” He has no idea how much I
don't
fuck around.

“Okay. That's all I wanted to get straight.”

“Does this mean we're going steady now?”

“Yeah, I guess so.”

“Glad that's settled. Go to sleep and try not to snore.”

“I don't snore.” He sounds genuinely insulted.

“Oh, but you do.”

“Do not.”

“I'll record you and prove it.”

“Is it really that bad? Are you not going to want to sleep with me anymore?”

“I'll get earplugs.”

“I'll buy them for you.”

“Go to sleep.”

“Yes, ma'am.”

In two seconds he's out, snoring like a chain saw. I hate that he can drop off so fast, that he fell asleep before me, and how glad I am that last night wasn't a one-off for him.
Glad
isn't the right word. I'm thrilled. Way more than I should be. Us starting something is not a good idea. It's probably the stupidest idea I've had in a long time. The thing is, I don't see how I could've avoided it if I'd wanted to. I
like
him. A lot. I even like his snoring. This big grizzly bear of a man has worked his way past my defenses as if they weren't even there. I sift my hand through his hair, wondering what in the world I'm going to do with him and where I would be without him.

I leave Vera sleeping in her bed with a note to meet me later at the office, and go home to take a shower and change clothes for work. It was damn hard getting out of a bed with a warm, naked, sexy woman in it, but I'm too new at the agency to take a day off. Being late is going to be bad enough. I'll have to work overtime to make up the time. I don't want Mr. Nash to think I'm using my relationship with Cora to take advantage of his generosity. I'm lucky to have this job, and the truth is I like it. I like following cyber-trails to see where they'll take me and what I'll find out.

My head pounds like a motherfucker and I have to pull over to the side of the road to hurl in the gutter halfway between Cora's apartment and Vera's motel. I'm
never
drinking again. As much fun as getting drunk was, it's not worth the morning after. This is the torture my dad puts himself through every day? No, thank you. The worst part is how irresponsible I was with Vera. At lunch I'm going to buy some earplugs and condoms. That shit cannot happen again. I know
way
better than that. I haven't been this disappointed in myself in a long damn time.

I'm missing parts of last night. Some of it is vivid in my memory and some of it is a black hole. I can't piece together how I got from eating pizza at the table with Vera to fucking her brains out. That is a huge chunk I'd really like to get back. I have no idea what I did or said that led up to that moment or even what Vera did or said. She seemed okay with what happened, but what if her memory is as faulty as mine? Ugh. Never,
ever
again.

I unlock the door to Cora's apartment and go inside. She's in the kitchen, making herself a cup of tea in a to-go mug. Leo sits on the couch with coffee in one hand and a bagel in the other, watching a morning show.

Cora takes in my appearance and makes a face. “You look like shit.”

“I feel like shit.” I head straight for the coffeemaker to see if Leo left me any.

“You stink too.” She comes closer and sniffs me. “Were you
drinking
?”

“God. Not so loud, okay?”

“After seeing dad blitzed out of his mind yesterday, you went out and got
drunk
?” She reaches up and smacks me in the head. “What is
wrong
with you?”

I wince. “Owww. That fucking hurt.”

“Not cool, dude,” Leo tosses in.

“Good,” Cora says, excruciatingly louder than necessary. “I hope you feel sick all day. I hope you vomit up your guts and your head hurts so bad it feels like it's going to roll off your shoulders. Oh, my God!” She hits me in the arm. “You didn't drink and drive, did you? You don't even have your license back yet.”

“I drank between the driving, not during it, okay?”

“No. Not okay. I don't want two alcoholics in the family. I can't do that, Beau. I just can't.”

“It was just one time. Believe me, I'm
never
doing that again.”

“You're a child of an alcoholic. You're four times more likely to have a problem with alcohol than someone whose parent doesn't drink. Did you know that?”

“Fuck, Cora. Do you have to be so loud?”

“If this happens again I'm kicking you out.” There are tears in her voice and her lower lip shakes. “Please don't make me kick you out after everything.”

I go completely still. Seeing her like this guts me. I can't move. I did this to her. After everything she did for me, I hurt her the way Dad hurts her.

Leo must've heard the quiver in her voice too, because he comes to stand next to Cora and puts his arm across her shoulders. He glares at me in warning.

“It was just one time,” I tell her. “I swear.”

“I hope that's true,” she tells me.

“I missed a lot of things,” I say quietly. “Getting piss drunk is one of them.”

Her hand goes to her mouth. “Oh,” she breathes.

“I'm sorry. It was stupid. I swear it will never happen again. Okay?”

She nods, her eyes watery above her hand.

“Come on, Bluebird. Let's let Beau get his coffee,” Leo says, scrunching up his nose. “And a shower.”

“Yeah, okay.” She lets Leo lead her out of the little kitchen area and into the bedroom area.

I hear them whispering and her sniffing. I want to bash my head against the cabinets, but I'm pretty sure it would crack open. After a few moments they leave the apartment and I'm alone with my self-loathing. I didn't even think of Cora when I bought that bottle of alcohol last night. All I thought about was
not
thinking for a little while. When I'm with Vera is the only time my brain is quiet. I wish she were here right now. She'd say something to make the scene with Cora less of a fuck-up.

I take a quick shower and head to the office. When I get there, Savannah is at her desk. Since the talk I tried to have with her, she's been a little better. She stopped yelping every time I come within eight feet of her and she doesn't watch me like I'm a six-foot-three-inch rattlesnake shaking its tail. Progress.

I pull a flower from the bunch I grabbed on the way in and hand it to her. “Happy Monday.”

Her eyes do a rapid-blink thing and then she takes the flower, her lips curving into a smile. The first one she's ever given me. I hope this bodes well for smoothing things over with my sister.

“Thank you.”

“You're welcome.”

I feel her gaze on me as I walk to Cora's office. Well, I guess it's Cora's and my office now. Cora's alone. Leo must have dropped her off before heading back up to school, since I had her car. Her head is bent over a report, and she taps her pen on the desk to a beat only she can hear.

I hold out the bouquet to her. “I'm sorry.”

She sets down her pen and takes the flowers. She doesn't say anything, just stares at the colors and shapes of the petals. I'd give anything to know what she's thinking right now.

I get down on one knee so I'm eye level with her. “I fucked up. I'm sorry I hurt you.”

There are no tears in her eyes when she looks at me, only worry. I hate that I put it there almost as much as the tears I put in them earlier. I'm the most normal person she has left in our family. That's a pretty fucked-up thing to think about. It's also sobering in that I have a lot to live up to that I haven't been. She deserves a better brother than she has at this moment.

“You didn't call me to let me know you weren't coming home.”

“Shit. I'm sorry for that. I was too busy getting fucked up. I promise to call or text next time.”

“Where were you?”

She deserves an answer, but I know she's not going to like the one I have to give and I'm not ready to talk about what's happening between Vera and me. I try to wipe the guilt from my face. “I was with a friend.”

She studies me, her head tilted to one side as though I'm a puzzle she's trying to work out. “Are you okay?”

“Sometimes.” It's the most honest answer I can give.

“What's going on with you? Lately you've been so…I don't know…off.”

“I'm just trying to figure my shit out and not doing a very good job of it.”

“I think you're doing pretty good.”

“You do?”

“Yeah. I do. Other than last night, I think you've done well, considering.”

“Thanks. That means a lot.”

“Mr. Nash is impressed with your work.
I'm
impressed. You're going to be okay, Beau.”

I'm stunned that she thinks that.
Okay
is what I aspire to, and it feels a million miles away. Like I'll need a spaceship and a decade to reach it. I stand and go to my desk, my head full of her confidence in me. It takes me a moment to get my bearings and remember where I left off in my work on Friday.

“Thank you for the flowers.”

“You're welcome. I wish I gave them to you for a different reason.”

“I'm going to put them in some water.”

I watch her walk out, her head bent over the bouquet. I wish I'd thought to give her flowers when she picked me up from the prison when I got out. Or when she helped me buy the things I needed for my new life. Or when she got me this job.

My phone pings with a text message. Other than Cora, Vera is the only person who texts me.

I laugh out loud.

I'm smiling when Cora walks in with her flowers in a vase and sets them on her desk. “You're feeling better.”

“Thank God. Did I say never again?”

“Yeah, about eighty times.”

“Never,
ever
again.”

“I'm glad. I'd hate to see you drink away the time you just got back.”

“You didn't tell me it was
that
bad with Dad.”

She lets out a heavy, resigned sigh. “I told you, but it's something you really have to experience for yourself to believe. I'm sorry you had to see it. Maybe we can try again in a couple weeks.”

“I think I'll go see him on my own.”

“That's not a good idea. He can be hard to handle. Yesterday was nothing.”

“I'd like to go to an Al-Anon meeting with you again. I have a lot to learn. A lot I want to learn.”

“There's one tomorrow around lunchtime not too far from here.”

“Okay. Let's go.”

“Okay.” Her expression is a lot brighter than it was when I first walked into the office.

Maybe I
will
be okay. How can I not be, with Cora and Vera on my side?