Audition (24 page)
Authors: Stasia Ward Kehoe
Tags: #Juvenile Fiction, #Stories in Verse, #Love & Romance, #Performing Arts, #Dance
Shannon watches me limp
Out of her class
On Monday afternoon.
On Monday afternoon.
“Come here, Sara.
Let’s have Jane take a look at those shins.”
Let’s have Jane take a look at those shins.”
Unable to refuse a teacher,
I follow Shannon
To the physical therapy room,
Listen to her talk about me
With Jane.
I follow Shannon
To the physical therapy room,
Listen to her talk about me
With Jane.
“I’ll leave you to it, then.”
Shannon waves her graceful, silver-ringed hand.
Shannon waves her graceful, silver-ringed hand.
“I’ve got to head out in a few minutes,”
Jane says to me.
Her voice is measured, professional.
“Let me see when I can get you on the schedule.”
Jane says to me.
Her voice is measured, professional.
“Let me see when I can get you on the schedule.”
“Okay.”
I hover near the safety
Of her office door,
Nod as Simone, Bonnie, some others pass by,
Watch jealously as they settle onto the hall benches,
I hover near the safety
Of her office door,
Nod as Simone, Bonnie, some others pass by,
Watch jealously as they settle onto the hall benches,
Tuck away their pointe shoes, chatter about their day.
“Have a good weekend, Sara?”
Jane does not look up from her computer.
Jane does not look up from her computer.
“Uh-huh.”
“What’d you do?”
Still steady, now, but Jane’s voice
Rises in pitch.
Still steady, now, but Jane’s voice
Rises in pitch.
“I . . . um . . .”
“You disappear all weekend.
He doesn’t make any dances.
Now you’re back and he’s left to imagine
Who it is you sneak off to be with.
You torture him.”
He doesn’t make any dances.
Now you’re back and he’s left to imagine
Who it is you sneak off to be with.
You torture him.”
My eyes swell open,
Seized by dampness.
I am not breathing,
Just standing there
Pulsing
Red.
Seized by dampness.
I am not breathing,
Just standing there
Pulsing
Red.
In all those words
She doesn’t say his name; still
She doesn’t say his name; still
Out in the hallway,
The wide circles of the other girls’ eyes
Show she was not quiet
Enough.
The wide circles of the other girls’ eyes
Show she was not quiet
Enough.
“I can see you Wednesday at two,”
Jane finishes, her tone sweet
As if the words that came before
Were as innocent.
Jane finishes, her tone sweet
As if the words that came before
Were as innocent.
I know I won’t keep the appointment
Even as I nod acquiescence, limp back down the hall
Without stopping at the crowded benches.
Even as I nod acquiescence, limp back down the hall
Without stopping at the crowded benches.
Later,
In my narrow bed
At Señor Medrano’s house,
I think of my reply.
In my narrow bed
At Señor Medrano’s house,
I think of my reply.
“But
Rem
is torturing
me
.”
Rem
is torturing
me
.”
My cell phone buzzes.
I jump from my bed.
It is not Remington,
Just another text from Bess.
Going to a jazz concert
With Tina and Kari,
Saying she is sick of boys.
It is not Remington,
Just another text from Bess.
Going to a jazz concert
With Tina and Kari,
Saying she is sick of boys.
I giggle at Bess’s dramatic statement
Until my eyes fill with missing
A friend who knows how to tap a maple tree,
And help her dad mend a stone fence.
Until my eyes fill with missing
A friend who knows how to tap a maple tree,
And help her dad mend a stone fence.
What would Bess have said to Jane?
How can Jane know
These things about me and Remington?
Can there be a friendship
Between Rem and Jane
Like there is between Bess and me?
Or has that friendship, too, become surreal,
Shattered
By my secrets and omissions?
These things about me and Remington?
Can there be a friendship
Between Rem and Jane
Like there is between Bess and me?
Or has that friendship, too, become surreal,
Shattered
By my secrets and omissions?
Afraid to make another enemy,
I text back a vapid
“Cool. Have fun.”
I text back a vapid
“Cool. Have fun.”
Despite the late hour, a soulful Latin melody
Rises through the hall.
Rises through the hall.
I lie still.
Let the guitar strings pulse
Through the twanging nerves of my body,
Stare at the bare, white walls, missing the slick posters
That smiled out at Bess and me
So many innocent nights
While speakers blared big-band music
To fill us up,
Shut out the ordinary.
Let the guitar strings pulse
Through the twanging nerves of my body,
Stare at the bare, white walls, missing the slick posters
That smiled out at Bess and me
So many innocent nights
While speakers blared big-band music
To fill us up,
Shut out the ordinary.
Can I pretend to be sick?
I am terrified to go back to the studio.
Terrified of Jane,
Terrified of Jane,
Of who or what I am—
A pulsing mass of bone
And muscle,
Burning face, feelings
I am afraid to try to sort or organize
Or understand.
And muscle,
Burning face, feelings
I am afraid to try to sort or organize
Or understand.
I feel naked
Even as I pull on my khaki pants,
White shirt.
Even as I pull on my khaki pants,
White shirt.
So long invisible:
Mama Bear, not Goldilocks,
Outside the social circles of Upton.
Mama Bear, not Goldilocks,
Outside the social circles of Upton.
Overnight
I will be the subject of every dressing-room conversation.
The villain of Jane’s story.
A bad girl.
I will be the subject of every dressing-room conversation.
The villain of Jane’s story.
A bad girl.
Me with the pocket full of vitamins
Who always buckles her seat belt.
Who always buckles her seat belt.
Now I will be glad to pose behind
Bonnie’s taut Aurora.
Keep my hand down in English class.
Bonnie’s taut Aurora.
Keep my hand down in English class.
Today is much worse
Than the morning after my first night
With Remington.
Than the morning after my first night
With Remington.
I stuff clean tights
Into the purple ballet bag,
Zip the backpack closed,
Walk out to the school bus stop
Without any breakfast.
Into the purple ballet bag,
Zip the backpack closed,
Walk out to the school bus stop
Without any breakfast.
I make the mistake
Of walking past the headmaster’s door,
Cracked open as usual,
The murmur of intellectual conversation
Buzzing into the hall.
Cracked open as usual,
The murmur of intellectual conversation
Buzzing into the hall.
“Sara?”
The high, cerebral voice
In an unpleasant key.
The high, cerebral voice
In an unpleasant key.
“Um, yes?”
“Where is your blazer?”
In my morning haste
I left my burgundy jacket
On the knob of my bedroom door.
I left my burgundy jacket
On the knob of my bedroom door.
“That’s a detention, you know.”
From the doorway, I see him write my name
On an evil piece of paper.
On an evil piece of paper.
“But I have to go to dance class!”
He will hear no excuses,
His expression accuses.
He will hear no excuses,
His expression accuses.
I want to call my mother,
Turn her persistent, self-righteous energy
Toward the injustice of my dress-code demerit.
Have her restore
My unblemished record.
Remake me the picture of innocence.
Turn her persistent, self-righteous energy
Toward the injustice of my dress-code demerit.
Have her restore
My unblemished record.
Remake me the picture of innocence.
A cell phone call during school hours
Is another infraction.
Do I dare?
Is another infraction.
Do I dare?
There is no way, after all,
To set her on Jane.
To set her on Jane.
I find Ruby Rappaport downstairs
Outside the senior lounge.
Tell her that I will not need a ride.
Tell her that I will not need a ride.
She grins at my story.
Pats me on the back.
Beckons.
“I have an extra blazer in my locker.
Just go back and show Headmaster Smith
That you put one on.”
Pats me on the back.
Beckons.
“I have an extra blazer in my locker.
Just go back and show Headmaster Smith
That you put one on.”
That afternoon
The windy fever of her topless car
Is intoxicating.
The windy fever of her topless car
Is intoxicating.
Simone draws me into a corner
As soon as I arrive at the studio.
“You should have slapped her.”
“You should have slapped her.”
I think of Julio
Drawn to her buoyant certainty.
Drawn to her buoyant certainty.
Bonnie offers
One of her wide, warm smiles.
One of her wide, warm smiles.
The knot in my stomach
Uncoils
Enough to dance.
Uncoils
Enough to dance.
Remington is at the far end of the barre.
We rarely speak in class,
Though we never discuss the reasons
Señor would disapprove.
Though we never discuss the reasons
Señor would disapprove.
I worry what Rem knows,
Whether he’s spoken to Jane
Or heard the tale from one of the thousand girls
Who were in the hallway last night.
Whether he’s spoken to Jane
Or heard the tale from one of the thousand girls
Who were in the hallway last night.
I watch him do six slow tendus,
Grab the barre,
Lean away to stretch his rippling arms,
Head back,
Breathing deep,
Lips set together, curving faintly upward.
Grab the barre,
Lean away to stretch his rippling arms,
Head back,
Breathing deep,
Lips set together, curving faintly upward.
If he is ignorant,
He is the only one.
I feel veiled glances
From all directions,
Simone’s and Bonnie’s comforting touches
On my shoulder.
He is the only one.
I feel veiled glances
From all directions,
Simone’s and Bonnie’s comforting touches
On my shoulder.
I sink into a split.
A lazy act.
Splits are easy for me.
My hips relax too far in such directions.
Bow my head over my right front knee,
Grab the arch of my foot with my hands.
Don’t want to look up.
A lazy act.
Splits are easy for me.
My hips relax too far in such directions.
Bow my head over my right front knee,
Grab the arch of my foot with my hands.
Don’t want to look up.
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