August 9th (17 page)

I finally succumbed to all the pressure from my family and friends and went out on a date. Ann is a beautiful, very fit divorcee who occasionally swims at the UCLA Masters Program. One of my training buddies has been trying to fix us up for almost a year. To say my social skills have deteriorated would be a gross understatement.

Before we actually went out we had coffee together. Caroline had prepped me on how to act and I showered Ann with lots of compliments and asked her lots of questions about herself. That’s how I discovered her favorite group was Coldplay. I did a little online research and found out Coldplay was on tour, called Ann and asked if she’d like to see them. They weren’t appearing in LA but did have a concert in San Francisco. Ann was excited to see them and I gave her the option of either flying home after the concert or staying the night at my place in the Bay area. She opted for staying the night and seemed particularly impressed I had actually listened to her about Coldplay.

The concert was in May at the legendary Fillmore. We flew up in the afternoon, rented a car and had a
wonderful dinner before watching a great concert. Since I really wasn’t that familiar with Coldplay I did my homework before the concert and was pleased to discover the band members are also social activists.

There’s really nothing negative I can say about Ann. In her late forties, with two kids in college she is an absolute knockout who looks fifteen years younger. She also has a sharp wit and a very playful sense of humor. It was also very flattering that she seemed very interested in me.

We really enjoyed the concert and decided to stay overnight at my house. That was a mistake. It’s been hard enough for me to get past Maggie and being in her house with another woman quickly changed my mood. I tried to camouflage my feelings but Ann really wanted to play and I’m afraid I was Dan the Downer.

After breakfast and during the drive to the airport Ann brought up my mood change and was really very understanding after I explained and apologized for what happened. We went out a couple more times but there just didn’t seem to be a lot of chemistry. Or, trying to be more objective since Ann really is a great catch, I still after five years haven’t gotten past Maggie.

I can cross off finishing a half-Ironman triathlon from my bucket list. On March 19th a couple of my training buddies and I drove down to Camp Pendleton which is a large marine base along the coast that separates Orange and San Diego counties. The total distance of a half-Ironman is always 70.3 miles. It was a 1.2 mile ocean swim starting at the Oceanside Harbor followed
by a 56 mile bike leg and then a half marathon or 13.1 miles. It was the hardest physical challenge of my life. My final time was 6hrs, 42minutes and the last five miles of the run were brutal with my legs continually cramping. I’m glad I did it but now I’m not sure I ever want to do a full Ironman which is twice the distance. The experience brought me back to my brief stint with the UCLA basketball team and how I realized I was trying to compete way beyond my talent and ability. I think I may have reached that level with triathlons.

Hope you had a wonderful year.

Dear Tess,

It has been a challenging year.

The question surrounding Ben’s future continues to weigh heavily on my mind. My son will be twenty-five in December and although his life has stabilized and improved I want so much more for him. Unfortunately, autism remains a conundrum. I am extremely fortunate to be able to afford the best help, the best schools and the best doctors for Ben, but that’s still not enough and I keep struggling trying to find more.

After almost five years Tony, Ben’s teacher and live-in friend, has moved on. He’s taken a new teaching job and also moved into an apartment with his girlfriend. He is so conscientious and so fond of Ben that he wouldn’t leave until he found someone to take his place. Phil is a younger version of Tony and Ben has taken to him very quickly. The most difficult part of the transition was Phil’s lack of painting skills until we realized
he really didn’t have to paint well but just hang-out with Ben while he was painting.

Speaking of Ben’s painting, I’ve framed and passed out a couple dozen of his best works to friends and colleagues who all seem to really love them. A couple of the professors even suggested they have commercial value particularly for offices that want a quiet environment. It’s something I need to explore.

I still keep hoping and waiting for a major break through in the treatment or cure of autism and I keep being disappointed. Caroline works tirelessly with the school that bears her Mother’s name but her patience is infinitely better than mine. She keeps telling me “someday” will come. For me, “someday,” is too long to wait.

Our beloved friend and family member, Sarah, has been struck with Alzheimer’s. At first her family thought her forgetfulness was just part of getting old but when she really started having problems remembering things from one hour to the next and started to struggle putting coherent sentences together they took her to the doctor.

Caroline and I flew up to visit Sarah and her family and also check out several recommended Alzheimer’s facilities. After touring several with Sarah’s family we decided on the most appropriate choice that we’re convinced will give her the best possible care. We also met with Sarah’s doctor who explained how patients regress over time and how the day will probably come when Sarah won’t recognize us. That will be a very difficult
day. Before Caroline and I left we made sure Sarah and her family will never see a bill.

Thankfully, Caroline, Rick and Emily are prospering. Most importantly, little Em hasn’t displayed any signs of autism. When I hold her in my arms she loves me to read to her and, of course, I just melt. My Mom is slowing down and I drive out to see her at least once a week. She, stubbornly, is still driving and tries to visit Caroline and her great grand-daughter once a week but I’m thinking of hiring a driver for her when I’m not available.

My social life is slow, but that’s okay. Caroline keeps pushing me towards online dating but finding available attractive women isn’t my problem. My life is full and I’m resigned to the reality that if and when the time is right I’ll seek female companionship.

Tragically, the debacle in Iraq continues and thousands of people continue to die each month. I often wonder what happened to America’s conscience.

Tess, I hope this adventure we call life continues to find you healthy and happy.

Hi Tess,

I’m going to be a grandfather, again!

Caroline and Reed are expecting a boy in January. They’ve wanted to have their kids reasonably close in age and Em will be 3 in November. Now, their two bedroom condo is too small. I remember those days. They’re looking for a bigger home in Santa Monica. The housing market, after a huge period of appreciation, is spiraling down very quickly and they may have a problem selling their condo but that’s where Dad can help. I’ll make sure they get their new home.

Ben Brewster is now a commercial artist. With the help of Caroline we’ve placed what we’re calling BenScapes in the portfolios of two well known office designers in LA. Apparently there really is a market for Ben’s type of paintings. They’re described as peaceful and relaxing and work best in doctor, dentists and therapists’ offices. The money is secondary to the self-esteem
Ben now feels and it’s also given him a purpose. These are personality traits most of us take for granted but it’s been wonderful to see Ben experience those feelings for the first time.

There’s more good Ben news. Phil is wonderful and as with Tony it’s a real relief for me to know Ben’s in capable hands. The best way to describe Ben’s behavior is stable and considering the other options that’s a positive.

No triathlons for me this past year. Two very different injuries substantially reduced my training. First I pulled a hamstring foolishly sprinting at the end of a 10 mile training run. Because I couldn’t run I started to swim more only to hurt my rotator cuff. Luckily I still had my bike to ride. Then to break the monotony of riding the highways I bought another new mountain bike. It’s so convenient to walk out my front door, hop on my new bike and hit the trails of the Santa Monica Mountains just up the street.

Now, having substantially reduced my exercise routine I realize how much I miss two huge benefits other than the physical. First, I miss the camaraderie and the friendships that flourish from all the time spent training. Secondly, I miss all the time in the pool and on the roads that allows me to clear my mind and make better choices.

My already inflated ego got another boost when my students rated me a 4.5 out of 5 in an anonymous online survey of UCLA professors set up by a student group. There was an optional remarks section and they ranged
from hilarious to very flattering to a little depressing. My favorite was from a student who asked, “How can this man be single? If I was 30 years older I’d be all over him!” I only hope a female student wrote this.

Guess that’s as good a lead-in as I’m going to get into my social life. I have been dating, a little. At least I took out two women this past year. My M.O. seems to be dinner and either a concert or movie. Maybe I’m finally coming out of my funk because I’m actually enjoying the female companionship. With Caroline’s help I’ve picked up lots of good pointers for evaluating compatibility. It’s no secret she wants me to meet someone, fall in love and remarry. I can try to argue with her but as it’s been since she was a little girl it’s an argument I can’t win especially when she plays her trump card, “You know Mother would want that for you.”

One of the concerts I saw with a date was Rod Stewart at the Staples Center in March. He’s such a showman and he puts on an incredible show with so many songs everyone knows and sings along with him. He sang my favorites, Tonight’s The Night, Have I Told You Lately and of course Maggie May.

Last month I flew up to the Bay area to meet Caroline and then visit Sarah. It was so, so sad. This wonderful, sweet woman who is like a family member didn’t remember either of us. Although her doctor prepared us a year ago for this eventuality it still left us feeling devastated.

After more than four years we’re still fighting a senseless war in Iraq with no end in sight. I was invited
to a fund raiser for Senator Barack Obama of Illinois who has White House aspirations. If he clearly advocates stopping the senseless killing and ending this crazy war he’ll get my support and vote.