Aunt Effie and Mrs Grizzle (5 page)

“If we’re in Brobdingnag
, we’d better watch out for giant sparrows that could peck us to death,” said Becky.

“Rats,” said Jazz. “Big as mastiffs.”

Something thumped, so the ground shook. We peeped around a corn-stalk. A blackbird bigger than a horse hopped towards us, thump! thump! Its eye as big as a basketball, it carried in its great beak a worm thicker through than Peter! We huddled behind the corn-stalk. Three huge hops, and the enormous blackbird was gone.

“Phew!” we all puffed, and the sun went out.

“Don’t move!” Peter whispered. “A hawk….”

The hawk was so big, its shadow took about quarter of an hour to pass over us and, all that time, we didn’t dare move. The sun shone again, we stopped holding our breath, and clonk! – Daisy was knocked out. A ripe corn seed the size of a cannonball had fallen from a burst cob. We knelt, chafing her wrists, stroking her temples.

“Come back, Daisy,” we said. “We love you, even if we laugh at you.”

“Daisy back come,” said Alwyn. “You love we.”

“Shut up, Alwyn!” Daisy said without opening her eyes. “Where am I?”

“I am where?” Alwyn told her. “Here are you.”

“We’ll be squashed if we stay here,” said Peter, “but we can’t go into the open. The blackbird will eat the little ones, and the hawk will eat the rest of us.”

“What’s that boy doing now?” asked Daisy. Alwyn was kneeling, gnawing at the huge corn seed that had knocked her out.

“He always chews the maize at home when he feeds the chooks,” said Marie.

“He’s got no right!” said Daisy. “That’s my corn seed. Oh!” she screamed, and fainted. Where Alwyn had been kneeling, there were two tremendous feet, and two enormous legs towered between the giant stalks.

“Don’t move, Alwyn!” Marie shouted. “You’ll squash us.”

“Seed the chew!” his voice thundered.

We knelt along one side of the giant corn seed and chewed. Suddenly we stood beside Alwyn, high above the corn-stalks. A blackbird the size of a mosquito squawked, “Tock! Tock! Tock!” and flew for his life. A hawk as big as a fly flapped away.

“Now we’re in Lilliput!” murmured Isaac, being exact again.

“Atchcay emthay!” someone shouted. “Eythay areway ayingplay ethay agway omfray oolschay!”

Three knights in black armour and waving swords galloped towards us, along the other side of the fence. The first wore a tattooed helmet, the second a pointed helmet, and the third had a white collar backwards around the neck of his helmet.

“Armoured Body Snatchers!” said Peter.

We ran back into the paddock, but the corn stalks couldn’t hide us now, so we crawled trying not to shake the leaves. The shouts of the Armoured Body Snatchers came closer. “Where’s Jared?” asked Peter. “Jared!” we all called, but nobody replied. The sound of galloping hoofs came closer.

“Can you hear him?” Peter cried.

We shook our heads.

“I thought I heard something,” said Casey.

The shouts were louder. “Hurry, Peter!” we all screamed.

“Shhh!” Peter called, “Jared?”

We peeped over the waving tops of the corn stalks and saw the chargers snorting and pulling up at the fence. Armour grinding and clashing like sheets of corrugated iron, the Body Snatchers leapt off. The one with a tattooed helmet shouted, “Opstay erewhay ouyay areway!”

The second, the one with a pointy helmet, shouted, “On’tday ovemay!”

The third, the one with a collar on backwards around the neck of his helmet, shouted, “Eway estarray ouyay!”

In slow motion because of their heavy armour, they climbed the fence, wires squeaking through the staples, and jumped into the corn paddock. “Kerblum! Bling-blong! Bim-bom-bam!”

As their armour boomed, rang, echoed, and fell silent, a tiny voice cried, “Watch out for me!”

A pigmy Jared, as short as a pin, dodged between our feet. Peter picked him up between his thumb and forefinger and popped him into his shirt pocket with his head sticking out, so he could breathe. “Follow me!” Peter galloped on all fours deeper into the corn. Behind us, the Armoured Body Snatchers clanked like tanks, slashing the stalks with their swords.

We ran on all fours until our hands and knees bled. Peter stopped, lifted Jared out, stood him on the palm of his hand, and we all stared at him. “Can we have him to play with?” asked Jessie.

Jared stuck out a tiny pink tongue at her.

“We can’t go home with Jared looking like that,” said Daisy. “Aunt Effie will be so annoyed!”

“He’ll be handy for sending down mouse holes,” said Alwyn, but Jared cried that he didn’t want to be eaten by a giant mouse.

“Look in your pocket,” he squeaked to Peter.

“There’s nothing in there,” said Peter. “Just a corn seed that’s got in somehow.” He flicked it away.

“Find it!” Jared squeaked. “Chew the other side!”

“Side other the chew!” said Alwyn. “Remember
Alice in Wonderland
?” Fortunately Mr Jones had read the book to us at school.

“Iway earhay emthay! Overway erethay!” As the Armoured Body Snatchers boomed and bonged towards us, we knelt and searched for the seed.

“Hurry!” we screamed at each other.

“Earhay emthay!”

“Find it!”

“Quick!”

Jane found the seed. We each nibbled a bit from the other side and shrank away down beside Jared.

“Eythay ustmay beway erehay omewheresay!” a huge voice shouted in the clouds. Colossal iron boots crashed down, but we followed Peter, scuttling under a fallen leaf, diving and wriggling under another. We were too small to be seen by the great eyes in the sky.

Between the giant corn-stalks, we scuttled like ants. At last, Marie and Peter said we could have a rest. We were sitting, puffing and looking around, when we realised Jessie had disappeared.

Peter went back, looking for her, while the rest of us cried. “What if they’ve stood on her?” we sobbed. “Aunt Effie will be so angry!”

“It’s your fault!” we told each other. “You know you’re supposed to keep an eye on the little ones.”

We squabbled and pinched each other until Peter came back and said, “One of the Armoured Body Snatchers caught Jessie. He thought she was a ladybird and picked her up and sang to her,
Ladybird, Ladybird, fly away home
, but she bit him. So he made her eat from the other side of a sweet corn seed. She grew up, and they put her on one of the horses. I heard them say they were going to get the Moko Man to tattoo her. All over!”

“All over?” we shrieked.

“We’d better go home and tell Aunt Effie,” said Marie.

“But she’s scared of the Moko Man herself!”

“She’s not scared of the Body Snatchers! Remember how she said ‘Tarnation take them!’”

“Marie’s right. Aunt Effie will give them tarnation!”

We followed Peter between the corn-stalks to the edge of the paddock, the swings, and the dancing ladies. We ate from one side and then the other of a sweet corn seed till we were our proper size, then Peter and Marie pushed the little ones up the inside wall of the enormous china chamber pot. The rest of us gave each other a leg up, and sat astride the the rim. The naked ladies stopped swinging and dancing, and waved to us. The gentlemen took off their hats and bowed.

“Omecay ackbay, iscreantsmay!” The Armoured Body Snatchers galloped out of the trees. One had somebody riding behind him. Jessie!

“Help!” she yelled as they stood in their stirrups and swung their swords. We shrieked, pulled up our feet, jumped down the other side, and landed on the floor under Aunt Effie’s enormous bed. “Ah-tish-oo!” everyone went, except Alwyn who went, “Oo-tish-ah!”

“Look at my hanky!” said Jessie. “It must be dust and spiders’ webs.”

“Yuk!” said Jared.

“A lady does not blow her nose into her handkerchief and stare at it,” said Daisy. “Nor does she wave it around and ask others to look at it.”

“Jessie!” said Becky. “You’re back!”

“The Moko Man was just starting to tattoo me,” said Jessie, “when the Armoured Body Snatchers grabbed me and galloped after you. The horse I was on pig-jumped and bucked me up in the air, and I fell down this side of the enormous chamber pot.”

“And you came down the right size?”

Jessie patted herself all over and nodded. “Here’s where the Moko Man started.” She pulled up her shirt, and there was a blue chisel mark by her belly button. We stared in envy and felt our own belly buttons.

“Tuck your shirt in at once,” said Daisy. “A lady does not show her umbilicus in public.”

“Public in umbilicus her.”

As Daisy ground her teeth at Alwyn, the blue chisel mark faded and, “Wahhh!” Jessie cried.

We all whistled, “Whew!” and said, “Bad luck, Jessie!” But secretly we were delighted that her tattoo had faded.

Alwyn said
, “Lucky Aunt Effie didn’t use the piss-pot while we were in it.”

“Do you mind?” asked Daisy.

Jessie looked around, forgot her lost tattoo, and stopped crying. “The treasure’s still not here,” she said.

Something lunged in the shadows under Aunt Effie’s enormous bed. We grabbed the little ones and scampered. A huge gruff voice shouted, “Watch out for the Bugaboo!” and we slid down the banisters on to the kitchen floor.

Aunt Effie was at the bench, sifting flour into a bowl and adding baking powder. “Don’t bother me now!” she said before Jessie could ask her what had happened to the treasure, and she began creaming several pounds of sugar and butter in a bigger bowl.

“Can we lick the spoon when you’ve finished?”

“Keep out of my way.” Aunt Effie added several eggs and whipped them in, then half a dozen more. We swallowed loudly as she stirred in heaps of sultanas, raisins, and cherries that she’d soaked overnight in Old Puckeroo, a saucepanful of warmed milk and golden syrup, then the flour and baking powder.

“If you let us lick the bowl when you’ve finished, you won’t have to wash it.”

“Who said I’m going to do the dishes? That’s your job.”

“If you let us lick the spoon, you won’t have to wash it either.”

“Don’t go opening that oven! I’ll never get this made if you keep getting under my feet!”

“Please Aunt Effie.…”

“If I have to tell you once more, I’ll crack you over the head with this wooden spoon!”

“Cake mixture tastes better raw than cooked,” said Alwyn.

“Clear off out of my kitchen the lot of you. Wanting to eat my cake mixture – the idea!”

“But you always lick your fingers when you’re mixing cakes and biscuits.”

“That’s different. Now, I’m not going to tell you again. If you’re not all out of my kitchen by the time I’ve counted to three, I’ll – I’ll–. All right! Don’t say I didn’t warn you… One – Two – Three –”

“Aunt Effie?” Jessie said quickly. “You know the enormous po under your bed?”

“What enormous po?” Aunt Effie stopped stirring.

“The one with ladies dancing in the nuddy.”

“Nonsense!” Aunt Effie led us up the stairs, pointed under her enormous bed, and there was the Treaty of Waharoa, the barrel of gunpowder, the suit of armour, the helmet, Napoleon’s head, and all the things we were too scared to look at. But no enormous chamber pot.

“Is that the treasure?” As Jessie pointed, the darkness huddled under the bed stirred, got to its feet like a rough beast, and slouched towards us.

“The Bugaboo!” Aunt Effie screamed and ran downstairs, but we beat her, sticking our fingers into the cake mixture and licking them.

“For that,” said Aunt Effie, “you can all go back to school tomorrow. And if the Moko Man catches you and tattoos your behinds, it’s your own fault for being greedy!” She stuck her finger into the cake mixture and licked it. “Mmm!” she said thoughtfully. “It is nice!” By the time we’d all whined and had another lick, the bowl was empty.

“Can we have the spoon?” we asked, but Aunt Effie was beginning on another lot of cake mixture, and she locked us outside, where we climbed on each other’s shoulders, flattened our noses against the glass, and tried to see through the window. Aunt Effie showed us a big spoonful of cake mixture, ate it, and pulled down the blind.

Next morning, Jessie said, “Aunt Effie, can we have a diamond to buy our lunch today?”

“What’s wrong with your lovely tomato sandwiches?”

We didn’t like to tell Aunt Effie that by the time we’d slid down the other side of Chapmans Hill sitting on our schoolbags with our lunches inside them, and by the time we’d donged each other on the head with our schoolbags, and by the time it was twelve o’clock and Mr Jones ran home for his lunch, our lovely tomato sandwiches looked and tasted like wet red face-cloths.

“What on earth will you ask for next? And what in heaven’s name did you think you were going to buy with a diamond?”

“We were going to go to Mrs Besant’s and buy a pie for lunch,” Jessie whispered.

“And if there’s any change, we were going to go to Mrs Doleman’s and buy an ice-cream,” whispered Lizzie.

“And chutty!” whispered Jared.

“And chews,” whispered Casey.

“You’ve no idea, have you? The smallest diamond in the treasure would buy all the pies, ice-creams and lollies in all the shops in Hopuruahine, Matamata, Morrinsville, Te Aroha, Paeroa, Thames, Rotorua, Cambridge, Hamilton, and Auckland and, even then, the change from the diamond wouldn’t go into all your schoolbags put together!

Just a chip off the smallest diamond’s worth more than all the changing-balls, bull’s-eyes, Queen Anne chocolates, and liquorice straps in the Southern Hemisphere!”

“Wow!”

“That’s why you can’t be trusted with the treasure. It’s much safer where it is.” Aunt Effie wrapped our lovely tomato sandwiches in newspaper and stuffed them into our schoolbags.

“Off you go!” she said. “And don’t come home this afternoon with any more rubbish about Body Snatchers.” She stuck her fingers in the corners of her mouth and whistled.

“Caligula-Nero-Brutus-Kaiser-Genghis-Boris! Chase Daisy-Mabel-Johnny-Flossie-Lynda-Stan-Howard-Marge-Stuart-Peter-Marie-Colleen-Alwyn-Bryce-Jack-Ann-Jazz-Beck-Jane-Isaac-David-Victor-Casey-Lizzie-Jared-Jessie to school.”

Mr Jones was waiting, and he measured our heads and said we’d done enough work for the rest of the year. “There’s no sense in putting you all up another class,” he said. “That would just mean you’d have to go to Matamata Intermediate, and they haven’t built it yet.”

So we spent the morning doing phys-ed which meant we climbed the pine trees down the back of the school, fished for penny doctors with blades of grass, and hung upside-down off the rail between the playground and the horse paddock. At lunchtime, we held our noses, ate our wet red face cloths, and played kingaseeny.

“That’s not kingaseeny,” said a a new kid from Morrinsville. “It’s called bull rush!” He cried when we scragged him.

In the afternoon, Mr Jones read
The Wind in the Willows
, and we decided we were going to be water rats when we grew up. Except for Jessie who wanted to be Toad.

We walked home in single file through the rain, squishing the mud between our toes. When you can’t be bothered remembering to take your coat to school, the rain runs down your neck, trickles down your back, and makes you feel as if you’ve wet yourself. We decided we wouldn’t be water rats after all. Jessie tried hopping through the mud, and decided she didn’t want to be a toad.

Our school uniforms got heavy, the navy-blue dye ran streaks down our legs, and the boys’ shorts went swush, swush, and sandpapered the insides of their thighs raw. The girls’ gyms went swoosh swoosh and scratched their knees red, and their plaits came undone and hung in wet straggles. We pushed each other over, got up, and squished on, mud plastered on our faces and hands and uniforms.

At the gate, Peter stopped and said, “Somebody’s changed the notice!” Through the wet hair hanging over our eyes, we saw it now had a skull and crossbones and said:

Danger! 10,000 Volts!

Keep Out!

No Children Allowed.

Trespassers Will Be Persecuted.

Anyone Touching This Gate Will Be Electrifried
.

“Somebody can’t spell,” said Daisy. “That should be ‘prosecuted’ not ‘persecuted’, and ‘electrocuted’ not ‘electrifried’.”

The rest of us flung ourselves face down in a puddle and sobbed, “We’re not allowed home!” and from somewhere came the sound of galloping hoofs.

“The Body Snatchers!” we screamed, but it was Aunt Effie and the dogs carrying our oilskins and sou’westers and gumboots. “Look out! You’ll get persecuted and electrifried!” we yelled, but Aunt Effie tore down the notice, helped us over the cattle stop, and held her enormous gig umbrella over our heads while we put on our oilskins and sou’westers and pulled on our gumboots.

We ran for the house under Aunt Effie’s enormous umbrella, but the rain got heavier, the puddles deeper, water spilled over the top of our gumboots, and the little ones stuck in the mud. Aunt Effie held them upside-down till the water ran out of their gumboots and they could walk again. Then they cried and said they were too tired to keep going.

Aunt Effie knelt in the mud so they could climb up and have a piggyback, then the rest of us wanted a piggyback, too, and she knelt in the mud again, and we all climbed up, and she ran with all twenty-six of us hanging on and shouting, “Faster, faster!” till we were inside the warm kitchen, where we wouldn’t let go, and Aunt Effie shook herself like a big dog and spun round and round till we got dizzy and fell off.

We threw our wet things down on the floor, piled into Aunt Effie’s enormous bath, splashed water everywhere, stayed in till our fingertips went all wrinkly, then got into our warm pyjamas that Aunt Effie had airing on the rack above the stove.