Average American Male (9 page)

He pats me on the back, then says, “You know, Casey’s sister just had a baby. Do you think you guys’ll have kids pretty soon after you’re married?”

I can’t remember what Casey told me I was supposed to say but I think it was something like, “Yeah.”

He says, “That’s great. That’s really the only way to do it. Start your family early, then when you get to be my age you have some time for yourself. Not that raising kids is all bad or anything, but trust me, when you hit forty-five you can barely stand your wife, let alone kids running around the house. But don’t get me wrong, marriage is a wonderful thing.”

Casey, her mom, and the rental agency woman walk in from the other room. Casey’s mom is pointing at the walls, saying, “You could do some amazing things in here. There’s so much light. Really, this would make a great family area. And that little half bedroom would be perfect for the baby. This place is absolutely perfect.”

The realtor says, “It really is perfect for married couples just starting out. The last tenants were a married couple and they were here for two and a half years, and now that they have their third baby on the way and a little more money in their pockets, they’re going to buy their first house.”

Casey says, “I can’t wait till we can buy our first house together.”

Then she hugs me. I wonder if the rental agency woman would do a three-way with me and Casey, or if she’d just suck my cock if I stopped by her office one day.

Casey’s dad says, “Well, do you guys think this is the one?”

Casey says, “I really like it.”

Her dad says, “Then you guys should get the ball rolling—no time like the present.”

Casey says, “I guess you’re right. What do we need to fill out?”

The rental agency woman says, “Well, we can start getting the paperwork in order, but it really depends on when you’d want to move in. The current tenants officially move out in a couple of months. I don’t know when the big wedding date is for you guys and how that fits into your plans, but that’s the soonest they could be out.”

Casey’s mom says, “I can’t believe we never even asked when you’re getting married.”

Casey says, “Well, we wanted to have some time to plan it out and everything, but if we need to be ready to move, I guess we could move things up.”

Casey’s mom says, “I’ll help you plan everything. It’ll go like clock-work. You can still have a beautiful wedding even in a few months.”

Casey says, “Would you really help me plan it, Mom?”

Her mom says, “Of course. I know exactly how everything should be.”

Everything else either one of them says becomes a high-pitched ringing in my ears. I think about Alyna and wonder what would have happened if I hadn’t gone over to Casey’s house that night to fuck.

Later as we’re eating dinner to celebrate the paperwork being started on our new apartment, I look at Casey’s dad and try to picture myself at his age, visiting my daughter who’s forced some guy into a marriage he doesn’t want. I wonder if Casey’s dad really wanted to marry her mom. I wonder if there was a girl like Alyna for him. I wonder how many times a day he jerks off. I wonder if I’ll still jerk off when I’m his age.

When we’re finished with dinner I offer to pay and her parents let me.

Blood Cock

When Casey has her period she refuses to suck my dick and she’s very uncomfortable with fucking. I usually have to coax her into it by promising to buy her dinner at one of her favorite restaurants. As I’m fucking her on this particular occasion I’ve only had to promise to take her for ice cream.

She’s lying on a towel so the blood that runs down her ass crack doesn’t get on the sheets. As I fuck her I look down at her face and she’s completely uninterested. I decide to make sure she gets off just to prove to myself I can do it at will. I slow down my pace a little and reach down with one hand to play with her clit. This seems to be working at least on a rudimentary level.

I lean down and whisper in her ear, “I love you so much. I can’t wait until we can make love in our own house.”

She starts moaning.

I kiss her slowly on the lips and take the hand I was using on her clit and touch her face. After the kiss I pull back and look into her eyes, ignoring the bloody smear I left on her cheek. I say, “I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you.”

She moans louder. She reaches around and grabs me by the ass, pulling me toward her.

I go back to stroking her clit and say, “I love you more than anything.”

She cums like a ton of bricks so I stop holding back and blow my load with three deep, hard thrusts.

When I pull out I make sure to hang my cock over her stomach to let some of the blood and semen drip off my dick onto her stomach, knowing this will disgust her.

As I’m getting up to go to the bathroom, she says, “That was better than I thought it was going to be.”

We take a shower together to clean up. I watch the blood and semen run down her legs and into the shower drain. She cleans her cunt but doesn’t wash her face, leaving the smudge of blood so it’s still there when we leave a few minutes later to get her ice cream.

Bon Voyage

I’m at the airport with Casey and her parents eating chicken strips in a Chili’s Too. I’ve had to shit since I woke up, but Casey told me there wasn’t enough time to drop a deuce because her parents had to be at the airport. Casey’s mom says, “I’ll be out here again next weekend to help you start planning for the big day.”

I wish I would have taken that shit.

Casey says, “Are you coming back, Daddy?”

He says, “Not if you want me to pay for it. I have to work.”

Casey’s mom says, “So it’ll just be me. And I’ll stay as long as it takes to get everything together.”

I don’t particularly dislike Casey’s mom, but the prospect of her staying “as long as it takes to get everything together” makes the impending shit lurch in my intestines and want to come out.

Casey tries to coax the turd out a little more by saying, “Mom, if you don’t want to hassle with a hotel while you’re out here, you can always just stay with me.”

I immediately picture Casey refusing to suck my cock or fuck me because her mom’s in her apartment. I chew my chicken strip hard enough to grind my teeth down to nubs.

Casey’s dad says, “That wouldn’t be a bad idea except for your mom’s back. You know she wouldn’t be able to sleep on your futon.”

Casey saves the day with, “Well, I could sleep on it while you’re out here and you could have the bed.”

My intestines are at full boil. I say, “Excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom.”

As I leave the table kind of abruptly I can tell Casey’s mom is somehow offended that I’m exiting while they talk about obviously important matters. When I stand up a silent fart leaks out and I try to point my ass slightly in the direction of Casey’s mom so there’s a possibility that she’ll be blamed for it.

After I clean off the toilet seat in the Chili’s Too bathroom and apply three toilet seat covers, I rip my pants down and open the flood-gates as a torrent of liquid shit flies out of my ass in a way that makes me think I might have possibly shit some vital organ into the water below. And then I feel fine.

I sit on the crapper for another five or six minutes before wiping, just feeling lighter, better. When I come back out, all of our food has already been cleared away and Casey’s dad is signing his credit card bill. I thank him for lunch in a mandatory attempt at politeness.

We walk with her parents to the security check. Her mom hugs me and her dad shakes my hand just before they walk through the metal detectors and disappear around a corner to go to their flight.

As I drive back to Casey’s place with her in the passenger seat, I reach over and start unbuttoning her pants with one hand, trying to get her in the mood so once we do get to her apartment we can get right to fucking. As I get to the second button she stops me and holds my hand.

We drive down the road in complete silence for a few miles listening to 50 Cent. As soon as he tells us that he’s into having sex, he ain’t into making love, Casey turns the volume down and begins telling me the following information: “I love you so much. We’re going to have the best life together. I can’t wait.” Every word she says makes me feel a little more like faking a stroke and pretending to lose all memory of who I was, but it’s not until she looks me in the eye and says in all seriousness, “You’re my soul mate,” that I realize I am not going to marry her.

Be the King

Todd and I are at a bar in Westwood. Next to us is a table full of seven Asian bitches playing some kind of card game. Three of them are extremely hot and the rest are definitely worth fucking or at least getting head from.

Todd says, “So what’s the deal now, you’re getting married to Casey?”

“No. I’m not.”

“But you just said her mom is coming back here to start planning the wedding in a few days, dude.”

“Right.”

“So when are you planning on not marrying her?”

“I don’t know.”

“Dude, do you think those Asian sluts would let us play with them?”

“I don’t know.”

“Dude, I’m gonna ask ’em.”

And he does. The hottest one of them all appears to be the only one who speaks English and answers for the whole group when she says, “If you want play with, you and friend can play with.”

Todd and I sit down at their table and listen to the following explanation of a new card game we’ve never heard of. “Okay, we play Be the King. It go like this. We have nine person to play so there will be cards one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, and then king.”

She starts pulling out the ace through eight of clubs and a king.

“Okay, now I deal.”

She gives everybody at the table a card.

“Okay, now you look at card, but no show to us.”

Todd and I look at our cards. I have the three of clubs.

“Okay, now who has king?”

One of the Asian girls sitting next to Todd goes fucking crazy, tosses her king into the middle of the table, and starts screaming, “I king, I king!”

The one who speaks English calms her down, “Okay, okay, okay.

Now that she king, she tell us what to do.”

I’m semi-drunk by this point and completely confused until the “king” says something of which I understand the following, “Okay, four—seven—”

The girl who speaks English explains to us that her friend, the king, has told whoever has the four and whoever has the seven to kiss for thirty seconds. And the game has just become infinitely more interesting and corroborates a long-held theory of mine that there are only two kinds of Asian girls—nymphomaniacs and corpses.

We all reveal our cards and it turns out that two of the really hot girls are four and seven. They kiss each other in this innocent giddy way that gives me a hard-on immediately. Todd and I agree to somehow let each other know which cards we pull.

In the next round I pull the king and Todd tips the corner of his card my way to show me he has the five. I say, “Okay, everyone except the king, kiss number five.” Our friend, whose American name we’ve learned is Danni, translates it to her pals. They do a gang kiss on Todd, sometimes kissing each other.

The next round I pull a four and Todd shows me via a less stealthy and progressively drunker upturn of the corner of his card that he’s drawn the eight. One of the semi-attractive Asian girls has drawn the king. She commands one of the girls to take another girl’s head and pretend to smash it into a wall. Then the girl whose head was pretend-smashed into the wall has to scream and pretend her head really was smashed into the wall. Despite the fact that this act is in no way sexual, it is highly entertaining.

The longer we play, the more Todd and I try to turn Be the King into an orgy of Asian bitches to which we’ve somehow become privy, but there’s something about these girls that won’t allow us to succeed.

They’re naive and it seems like they’re probably virgins and all of them find just as much excitement in pretending to beat each other up as they do in kissing each other.

The next time I get the king, I decide to see how far I can take it. I know Todd has a three, so I say, “Number four and number five have to suck the king’s dick.”

Danni says, “What is dick?”

I say, “Penis.”

She says, “What is penis?”

I point to my crotch.

She says, “Oh,” and giggles, then translates it for all of her buddies.

They all giggle and start looking down at the ground. Four and Five start talking to Danni.

She says, “They say they no want to do that.”

“But I’m the king.”

“If they no want to, they no have to.”

“Then what’s the point of being the king?”

“To have fun and do funny thing.”

“A blow job is a funny thing, Danni.”

They all start talking to each other for about a minute. Todd and I just drink our beers. I look around the bar and notice that a group of people has kind of surrounded our table and has been watching us play this game for a while. Finally the Asian bitches come to a con-sensus.

Danni says, “We all go now.”

Todd says, “No, you don’t have to go, dude. We can let you be the king and slap each other around or whatever you guys want to do.

Don’t go.”

Danni says, “We need to sleep for tests. It nice meeting you.”

With that, Danni and her gang of Asian girls leave the table and the bar, leaving Todd to dispense the following accusation, “You made them leave, you fucker. If you hadn’t scared them off by commanding them to give you a blow job, we could have—”

I say, “What, gotten blow jobs?”

Todd laughs. We discuss the nature of the game and how bizarre the Asian girls were before the conversation returns to Casey.

Todd says, “Seriously, dude, what’s so bad about marrying her?

Free house, she has rich parents—all that shit sounds good to me.”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“Then you should do it. I mean, fuck, dude, free fucking house.

She ain’t bad lookin’—that’s pretty sweet.”