Awakening the Wolf (6 page)

Illiana stared at her reflection and thought about what her aunt had said. If the walls had finally come down, then she should be able to claim her birthright and embrace the rest of her heritage. Possibilities whirled around in her mind. The wind nearly knocked her over. It was then she realized all the mobiles and things hanging from the ceiling were clattering together. Even the whistling of the gale through the leaves was shrieking. The air was cold upon her skin. She left the mirror and glanced at the fire pit. The coals were nearly burned down, but she could feel the heat of them. The longer she stared at the glowing embers, the more she was sucked into them, swaying back and forth as though caught by the very spirit of the fire. If she listened intently, her ears picked up more than the faint crackling of the coals, she could make out the voice of the fire. It was crisper than the air element and burned her entire body. The salty tang of the smoke settled on her tongue. The darkness inside of her thoughts was not so dark anymore as though it responded to the fire element. Fire was fury. Primal. Wolves followed their instincts. They listened to no one but themselves. Illiana had seen it before, even with Christopher being in a pack. Illiana reached out with her mind and tried to harness the fire the way she had with the air, but it was just beyond her reach. It kept flickering through her grasp. The more she concentrated on it, the more the darkness receded as though she had taken a candle and the flame was growing more courageous to shed some light onto the shadowed part of herself. She gazed deep into the blanketed darkness and caught a glint of black fur and two burning silver eyes. The shape moved, and she made out the form of a wolf. It stepped closer into the light, and she saw the full majesty of the creature that dwelled inside of her.

“Illiana.”

She heard her name through a long tunnel but found her way back to herself. When she did, she blinked and stared at her aunt. “I’m okay. Sorry, I was listening to the fire.”

“The same way you listen to the air? Can you control it?” Coret asked.

“It’s the same way I listen to the air, but I can’t control it. The wolf inside of me responds to the fire almost as if the two are linked.”

“Maybe it is. Look, I can’t help you with the elements, but I can help you draw out the other part of you. What do you say?”

Illiana thought about what her aunt said. If she could figure out the wolf, let it come out of the shadows, then she could figure out how to change into it at will. Maybe then . . . she let the thought drop because she did not want to give it hope. For now, she had to keep it a secret. Had to play things close to the chest. Her aunt would help with that because if she alerted her mother, then all hell would break loose. But still one other thing bothered her.

“I would like that, but answer me one other thing first.”

“Sure. What is it?”

“Mother always said my father was dead. You just said that he left and he was alive. Why would she tell me he was dead?”

“That was part of her idea to keep you safe. She didn’t want you to run off and try to find him.”

Illiana nodded. “That sounds like my mother. Thank you, Coret. I’ll make sure to come over, and we can work on this.”

Illiana sighed and studied the dancing flames. The fire before her was starting to die out. The breeze she summoned tried to fan the flames, but the blaze refused to be stirred. She reached out, hoping to convince it to blaze higher, but it fought against her like a naughty child struggling to get away from its mother. The bonfire seemed to giggle, which sent sparks bursting into the air. The exasperated breeze gathered up the ashes and scattered them to the four corners of the land.

“Still having problems controlling the fire element?”

She glanced up and saw Coret emerge from the dark forest. They had planned to meet hours ago in a secluded area that many of the flock deemed to be sacred. Their clandestine meetings had been going on for three months. Illiana wondered if they were making any progress. Sometimes no matter how much she went headfirst into the darkness of her mind, the wolf did not want to emerge. Every time she tried to entice it to come out, it would not. The frustration was beyond anything she had known, and she wondered if it was at all worth it.

“You’re late.” Illiana poked the embers with a stick and watched the end catch on fire. The little flame crawled up the branch, and a growl rumbled her throat. The frustration boiled her anger, and the fire jumped when she snarled. Coret laughed and sat across from her. She shot her aunt a glare.

“Sorry. One of the priests needed some guidance, and that turned into a long discussion. I didn’t think it would take that long. It appears she’s having a crisis of faith. Those are normally the ones who ask silly little questions when all there is, is faith. Then your mother came by to ask if I had seen you. She’s worried about you, Illiana.”

She sighed. Her mother had not taken kindly to her coming back the day after the initiation into the flock. Lelana had asked a lot of questions that she had ignored. What good would it do to tell her mother that Christopher had rejected her? That her heart had gotten ground into the dirt? And what was the point listening to her mother say it would be okay when it would not be? There was too much at stake. Her mother had hurt Illiana too much by keeping the past from her. Maybe one day she would be able to tell her the truth about what she had discovered.

“She can worry about me all she wants. All she needs to know is that I’m training with my aunt because I have a calling for the priesthood.” Illiana lifted the limb and ran her palm over the flame eating it up. Heat singed her flesh, but she did not feel the pain at first. Instead, she focused on the heat and tried to get it to respond to her command. It flared a little bit, and she could almost grasp it. When it died down, she threw it into the fire pit and tried to keep calm. She gritted her teeth and tried to wrangle with her emotions, but it was difficult.

“So far the cover story has worked. Even with the priests coming here. They think you are learning from me. It would be the most logical course for you since you are more of a loner among the flock. They would expect it, and I am your aunt, so you are getting a great teacher.”

“Yeah, and my mother hates the idea of you instructing me. You know she went to the council to try and have another priest take me under their wing?”

Coret nodded. “I know. But it has nothing to do with how the priests take on students. Your mother knows that.”

Illiana smiled. “Exactly. She wanted to make sure you never got around to informing me about my past. I’m sure she thinks you’re imparting all of your past knowledge to me.”

Coret shrugged. “Even if that’s it, she hasn’t come to me and asked me about it.”

“Good, because I’m not telling her about it. So to answer your earlier question, yes, I’m still having trouble with the fire. It doesn’t want to talk to me. It’s too independent.”

“It sounds like you’re trying to control it.”

She rolled her eyes. “Of course I’m trying to control it. I have been ever since we agreed to do this. Wasn’t that the whole point of us meeting? Learn to control the fire and bring out the wolf.”

“Yeah, that was the point, and so far you’ve done nothing except face-off with it, try to force the fire to do what you want, and mope. It’s about time you get serious about this.”

“I
am
being serious about this. It’s so hard and . . . ”

Her aunt paced the clearing. “You knew this wasn’t going to be easy. I’ve been lenient up until this point. I’m the only one who can help you with this, and I’m getting tired of us getting nothing! If you don’t show anything, then I’m done, Illiana.”

Illiana tried to take control of the rage bubbling inside of her, topping it off with her frustration that had been building. She curled her fingers into her fists and stood up. The darkness within her mind seemed all consuming and threatened to take over her vision. “Don’t you think I’m trying,” she snapped.

Coret stood next to her until her nose was almost touching hers. “Maybe you can tell Christopher that when he gets mated.”

Mated? No. He wouldn’t without telling me.
She staggered backward and hit a tree. The shock brought up all her buried emotions. It brought back everything he had said to her and the need to escape. The darkness inside of her began to swallow her whole. The wolf stepped from the shadows. Its silver eyes glinted in the moonlight, and the wolf bared its teeth. Illiana thought of Christopher kissing that bitch Jalisa, and it made her sick. Her stomach turned. She yearned to sink her teeth into the other woman. That wrath crept up the back of her throat and tasted acrid. The more she thought of Jalisa, the one who had made her life with Christopher a living hell, the angrier she became. As a teenager, Jalisa had taunted her for being heavier than others in the pack and those in the flock. Illiana could never help that. She had always wanted to show the bitch how much it hurt. She licked her lips, imagined what it would be to wrap her teeth around that slender neck, and feel her teeth slice into the skin. The tang of that salty, copper liquid slipped down her throat. The wolf agreed with her, and at that exact moment, they wanted the same thing: to see Jalisa ended.

Illiana felt her body changing in a different way than what she was used to. The bones along her spine began to pop. She felt her fingers thicken and her nails grow sharper. Instead of having feathers, her arms were hairy. As she ran her tongue over her teeth, she felt they had lengthened. The surprise of it pulled her back to reality.

“Almost. You almost had it. I could see it,” Coret exclaimed.

She focused on her aunt and felt the wolf slipping away. The darkness retreated, and her inner wolf returned to the shadows of her mind. Illiana shook her head. “What happened?” she asked, as she tried to catch her breath. Her body felt as though she had been put through a wringer because of the changes that had occurred. She tried to shake it off, but it seemed her body was no longer entirely hers. She flexed her fingers and saw that the tips of her nails were partially black. Her arms were not covered in hair, but her teeth were a little sharper than they were before. Illiana raked her nails over her scalp and stared at the woman before her.

“You were changing. Your eyes went silver. I heard the bones in your spine crack. Even your face began to take on the form of the wolf.”

“Really? So you were only saying that stuff to make me mad? Christopher isn’t getting mated to that bitch?”

“No, that part of it was true.”

She felt the blood drain from her face and a cold chill permeate her soul. Her heart fell and shattered in her chest. Illiana fought back the tears and prayed it was not true. “How could he marry her? What does he see in her?”

Coret did not answer but hugged Illiana. She tried to find some comfort in her aunt’s arms, but she needed to know the truth. “I can’t tell you that. I only heard it this afternoon when your mother came by. She was looking for you to tell you about it. I figured she didn’t want you to hear it from anyone else because she knew you’d be hurt. Think about this, you’ve had a breakthrough. We know that strong emotions bring out the wolf. That is something we can use next time.”

A tear slipped down her cheek. “There won’t be a next time. This is all pointless.” She wiped away the tear, feeling the hopelessness blanket her soul. The one thing she cared for the most in her life had slipped from her grasp. Illiana walked past her aunt, who caught her arm and squeezed it.

“It isn’t for nothing. If you want to get Christopher back, then you have to become the wolf. If you become part of the pack, you can challenge their mating. You can win him over. Isn’t that what you want? To have him?”

“How would they make me part of the pack? I’m already part of the flock. They would never accept me. He would never . . . he already said . . . ” She broke away from her aunt’s grasp and tried to comprehend everything that had happened and what Coret had said.
Was there really a chance?

“You said it yourself. He loves you.”

“If he loves me, then why would he be doing this?” She slid down a tree trunk, feeling the rough bark scraping through her cloak. It couldn’t be. She had to hear it for herself.

“Maybe because he can’t have the one he wants. Go and ask him. Or use the anger and turn it inward so you can shift into who you are supposed to be. If you remain the way you are, then you embrace all those names, all those horrible things people have said about you over the years. Become who you’re supposed to be.” Coret grabbed her arms and made Illiana look at her. She saw the passion and the intensity of her stare.

“Why does this matter to you?”

“It matters because this is what your mother kept from you. You came to me asking for help. This is me giving you the help.” Coret pointed at the pendant Illiana wore around her throat and kept hidden from her mother. “Would your father want you to give up after you’ve come all this way and figured out part of your heritage? You know this doesn’t stop here. One day you will want to find out where you come from. I know in my heart of hearts that there is more for you than staying here with the flock. You can control the very air and the fire. Who knows what else you have in you?”

She got up from the tree and ran her fingers over the surface of the silver pendant and felt the energy of the stones vibrating underneath her fingertips. When she drew in a breath, the air came around her and tried to give her comfort. Illiana collected herself and thought about the wolf inside of her. All her life she had yearned to discover what that hidden part of her was. Now she had stared it in the face. It was a side of her she did not wish to walk away from. And what
would
her father say? What Coret said was true. She had thought about leaving and maybe setting off for a journey. Going somewhere she might be accepted because the flock would never truly want her. If Christopher was going to be mated, then he would not want her to be around either, but she had to hear it from him first. If there was a chance she could be with him, then wasn’t that worth wrestling with the wolf and using whatever emotions she had to funnel into the transformation? With the help of her aunt she had discovered that fury and frustration had tapped into instincts of the wolf. If she could figure out another way, then maybe it would work out. “I’m not a quitter. I’ve thought about my future, and I don’t know where it leads me. You’re right. I can’t give up on myself.”