Awakenings - SF1 (44 page)

"You know, I've never even asked you what the accommodations were for the ride. We sleep in big tents?"

"Nope. Little tents. Little two person tents."

"We each get one?"

"Nope. 2 per tent. There's barely room to change your mind," she laughed. "I thought we'd bunk together, if that's okay with you."

After a short internal struggle to move her mouth Jamie croaked out, "Sure. Fine," as she was assaulted with images of sharing a tiny little space with her friend for a whole week.

After they had returned to the locker room Ryan began to shuck every stitch of her wet clothing. Jamie turned her back as she put her sweats back on over her own damp gear. Ryan was grumbling as she looked through her gym bag. "You don't have any extra clothes do you?" she inquired.

"No, why do you ask?" she replied.

"I guess I'm going commando," she grumbled as she dried off and put her sweats back on.

"What's commando?" Jamie inquired as she turned around to face her friend.

"That's what the boys call it when they don't wear underwear," she revealed. "I forgot to bring any and I can't go out in this weather with wet clothes on."

Why does she have to tell me everything?
Jamie moaned as she followed behind Ryan, eyes cast downward in an attempt to avoid an independent investigation.

As she dropped Ryan off Jamie declined her offer of a warm shower. "I think I'm gonna go down to Palo Alto and try to make nice with Jack," she revealed. "I think he'd appreciate it if I came down to make him dinner."

Ryan nodded sagely and gave her a kiss on the cheek. "I had a fantastic day, Jamie. Thanks for making it so much fun."

"I'm the one who should be thanking you, Ryan. It was really cool to be let into the inner sanctum," she said with a laugh.

"Well, you didn't really see the inner sanctum," she admitted. "You have to take the oath before we let you in there. More importantly, you have to learn the secret handshake," she said with a definite leer.

As Jamie headed back to the expressway thoughts about the day drifted across her mind. Images of the workout continued to flood her mind and by the time she reached Jack's her entire body was flushed with excitement and desire. She buzzed his apartment on her way up the stairs, taking them two at a time. He opened the door in surprise as she pushed him back in to the apartment.

"I don't want to talk, I just want to do this!" she growled as she grasped his head and kissed him thoroughly. He didn't utter a word as she began to strip off her still sweaty clothes. When she was naked she performed the same service for him. He was instantly aroused and as she pushed him back against the couch he finally muttered, "I missed you today, Jamie."

She cut off all attempts at further conversation as she straddled his seated form and locked his lips with hers, never letting them go until they were both collapsed in a post coital haze.

I guess I just need a gym in our house when we get married
, she mused as they stumbled to the bedroom for another round.

She awoke at around 10 p.m. Jack was lying behind her with his arms wrapped tightly around her naked body. His head was snuggled against her back and she felt content for the first time in a long while.
We get along fine when we don't talk
, she thought disgustedly as she extricated herself from his arms.
I wonder how many years we can stay married if the only way we communicate is with moans and grunts
, she mused as she stumbled into her sweats to make the long drive home.

Thanksgiving break was coming up in only 2 days. The break was only Thursday and Friday but Jamie planned on spending the time at her parents' home, mainly because she couldn't think of a valid reason not to. She and Jack would spend Thanksgiving afternoon with her family and then have a light supper with Jack's family.

The break was a great time for Jamie to catch up on all of her reading for her classes as well. Staying on top of her reading was getting more difficult with all of her training, so she really needed at least 2 days of uninterrupted concentration. She had devised a training schedule that emphasized bike riding in lieu of weight training for the week, since she had decided not to go into Berkeley on Friday for her training session since the trip would take up most of the early evening. Ryan was more than willing to meet her at the gym, but Jamie thought it was important to not make any plans to go to Berkeley in case her parents or Jack wanted to occupy her time.

She did, however, make plans with Ryan to go on a long ride on Friday morning. She knew that Jack would study during the day and since she was staying with her parents he wouldn't even need to know she was going. They decided to meet at a big regional park that had a lot of attractive bike paths, mainly because she just didn't think it was a good idea to have Ryan meet her family yet.

On Thanksgiving morning she and her father sat in the sunny library as they enjoyed a cup of coffee. "I've been worried about you a little bit Honey. Did everything work out between you and Jack?"

"Yeah, Daddy, we talked it out the next day," she affirmed. She did not think it wise to involve her parents in the details of her relationship with Jack, but she appreciated her father's interest.

"I got the impression that things had been difficult for a while, Honey. Do you want to talk about it?"

"No, not really. I think we're just going through a phase. He doesn't like some of the changes I've been making but I really think he'll get used to my being a little more independent."

"I must admit that I was concerned when Jack mentioned that your new friend was a lesbian," he stated thoughtfully. Jamie felt her hackles start to rise as she looked at him carefully, hoping he would drop the matter. When she didn't respond he persisted, "Well?"

"Well what, Daddy?" she asked blankly.

"Why are you spending your time with her, Jamie? That hardly seems appropriate for a young woman like you," he stated.

"What do you mean by 'a young woman like me'?" she asked. "Ryan is a perfectly lovely young woman also."

"But Jamie, you're a young woman who's engaged to be married. Don't you think it's wiser to spend your time cultivating friendships that can carry over into your married life? You two need to build some relationships with other couples," he explained.

"Ryan is my friend. I enjoy her company, Daddy. The fact that she is a lesbian is an inconsequential element of our relationship. I think it would be nice to have some friends who were in a couple but since we never leave Jack's apartment, that's a little hard to do."

"Well, Jack certainly didn't seem to think that it was inconsequential and as he made clear, neither does Cassie." He paused for a moment as he regarded her carefully. "Is your new friend more important than Jack's feelings?"

"Yes, she is
,
Daddy. If his feelings are based on preconceived, stereotypical notions of what a lesbian is." She looked at him sadly, "I really thought you were more open minded than this."

"I am profoundly open minded Jamie. And I do not like being referred to as otherwise," he said with a good deal of pique.

"Then why do you assume that Jack and Cassie's opinions are more valid than mine?" she replied logically. "I'm the one who knows Ryan. They have spent less than 10 minutes with her."

"I'm not implying that their opinions are more valid, Jamie. I am saying that I don't feel it's appropriate for you to spend an inordinate amount of time with someone like that. You've known Jack for 3 years and Cassie for 7. They know you very well, Honey. Why would they feel the way they do if there wasn't something about this woman that was of some concern?"

"I truly believe that they have let their prejudice take over. Jack admitted that he's jealous of her because he assumes she'll try to get me into bed!" she said with an exasperated look.

"And why do you assume she won't?" he asked with his own look of frustration.

"Well at least it's nice to know you're not narrow minded," she said as she deposited her coffee cup on the table and stormed out.

Dinner was a very tense affair. Not even Reverend Evans could add much spark to the occasion. He realized that something was seriously wrong between his son and his granddaughter but he did not have the opportunity to speak with Jamie alone to determine what it was.

Before Jamie left he embraced her and said into her ear, "Call me tomorrow." She pulled back after kissing his cheek and quietly agreed.

On the drive to the Townsends
,
Jack finally asked the obvious question. "What's going on between you and your father? You two were shooting daggers at each other all day."

She gave him a thoughtful look as she debated how much to tell him. Finally deciding that it was better to know she asked, "Did you talk to him about our problems?"

He shot her a perturbed glance as he replied, "No, Jamie, I have not. Frankly, I'd be embarrassed to admit how little you respect my opinions."

"Pull the car over, Jack," she said in a tone that did not allow for discussion. He pulled over onto a lovely tree lined street on the outskirts of Hillsborough. He killed the engine and rolled down his window to let some of the crisp fall air into the tension filled car. He turned as much as he could in the little import and faced Jamie with a look of quiet resignation on his face.

"Yes?" he asked wearily.

"It's obvious that both you and Daddy are unhappy with the changes that I've been making," she said slowly. "But even though I love both of you very much neither of you are going to control me." She took a deep breath as she continued. "We can have a good life together
,
Jack, but it has to be a life where both of us get to be who we really are."

He sat in silence for a few minutes; his shoulders still a little slumped. Finally, he took a deep breath and slowly let it out. "Look, Jamie. I know you're used to getting everything you want. I know you've been terribly spoiled both with material things and by always having things done your way." He ignored her look of outrage and blithely continued. "But that's part of you and I'm willing to accept that most of the time. But you've got to learn that there are some things that you're going to have to give in on. It can't be me who has to give in all of the time," he explained as patiently as he could.

She was silent for a long time as she dropped her head back against the vinyl seat. Shaking her head slowly she asked in a voice filled with sorrow, "Is that really how you think of me? As a spoiled little rich girl who gets everything she demands?"

"Well, yes," he said confidently. "I feel like I'm supposed to make the sacrifices in our relationship and I've got to admit that I'm growing a little tired of it."

Her anger had been bubbling up throughout his explanation and when he finished she felt the words begin to fly from her mouth. "What sacrifices have you made, Jack? I'm dying to hear them," she said bitterly. "Tell me about how you have to leave your house in rush hour traffic every Friday night. Tell me how you no sooner arrive than you have to start dinner, alone, while I sit in the living room and read. Tell me how you feel when I barely comment on what you've made. Tell me how you do the dishes alone while I continue to read. Tell me about how you sit in the living room and watch me study every Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Tell me about how you feel when the only time I pay attention to you is when we have sex. Tell me how you lie in bed and get so frus..." She yanked herself back from the abyss just before she told him exactly how unhappy she was with their sex life. The tension in the car was so thick that it was nearly visible, but she was afraid to look at him. Long minutes passed before he finally spoke.

"I didn't realize you were so miserable," he got out as a tear escaped down his face.

"I'm not miserable!" she said fervently. "I'm not!" She lifted her hand to his face and softly stroked his cheek. "I'm not," she whispered as the tears started to slide down her own cheeks. "Are you miserable, Jack?" she asked softly.

"No," he said shakily through his tears. "But I was so much happier before. You seemed happy too," he said. "Now you just seem tense around me. I know you're not happy, Jamie and it's driving me crazy!" he choked out as he began to sob. She continued to stroke his cheek and run her fingers through his hair for a long time. As he got control of his voice he added, "I know you don't like what we do in bed. But I just don't know how to please you. I swear I've never had this problem with any other woman. I just don't know what to do," he moaned.

"It's okay, Jack. I swear I'm not unhappy with you. It's just that I'm changing and growing up a little bit. I love to come down here on the weekends, and I love to cook for you. But when you give me such a hard time about what I do when we're not together it just drives me insane! I think that's why it's been hard for me in bed," she admitted. "I need to feel totally connected with you to be able to enjoy sex. When we have this ongoing tension I just can't relax. But that's all it is, Honey, I'm sure of it."

He looked over at her with an expression that was equal parts fear and trust. The sadness in his sweet blue eyes nearly broke her heart. "Honey, can we get out for a moment?" she finally asked.

He looked a little suspicious but he complied, coming around to stand on the sidewalk next to the car. She got out and stood right next to him as she put her arms around his waist. He slid his arms around her back and held her close for a long time. He bent his head to smell her hair and breathe in her reassuring scent as he felt some of the tension ebbing away. Jamie felt the same way and she looked up into his eyes and said, "I feel so good when you hold me. It just feels so right to be close to you."

He squeezed her tightly as he felt the emotion well up in his chest. "I'll try harder, Jamie. I swear I will."

The evening spent with the Townsends was thankfully more jovial than the tension filled afternoon at the Evanses. Jack came from a fairly large extended family and a raft of aunts, uncles, cousins and their children were in attendance. Jamie spent some time playing with the assorted children and that lifted her spirits substantially. She took a little break to go into the kitchen and offer to help. She noted that every adult woman was in the kitchen chatting about their kids and their husbands. The conversation was fairly interesting, but it just seemed a bit alien to her. After her offer of help was rebuffed she went into the living room to watch a bit of the Dallas-Philadelphia game on TV. She paid close attention to the conversation and noted that not one man mentioned his spouse or his kids. They talked exclusively about the game, politics and their jobs.
Are we really so different? How can we ever expect to get along for 50 years if we just aren't interested in the same things?

She was not really included in the conversation and she realized that Jack didn't even seem that happy to have her in with the men. Even though she knew more about football than half of them, she felt like her comments wouldn't be appreciated so she eventually went back to play with the kids.

It's odd how I feel so out of place here. When I'm at the O'Flaherty's I never feel like a woman, I just feel like me. The boys treat me like one of them, not like I'm different. But here it feels like there are two different camps and I'm not in either one. The women don't accept me because I'm not a mother yet and the men never will. Where do I belong?

Jack's cousin Stephanie had a 6 month old boy named Ethan that Jamie was drawn to. She whisked him away and carried him around the house as she spoke into his ear. Stephanie was at least 10 years older, but she was the cousin closest in age to Jamie. "You can get one of these for yourself," she teased as she came up from behind.

"Not for a long while," Jamie said confidently. "I'm sure I won't have a child before I'm 30." She had not noticed, but Jack was standing next to Stephanie and as Jamie turned she caught the shadow that passed over his face.
Now what did I do?

"So you want to keep her all to yourself for a while, huh Jack?" Stephanie asked playfully.

"Jamie's the boss," he said with a thin smile as he turned to head back to the safety of the football game.

Well that answers that question
, she thought disgustedly. They left her alone with the baby and her thoughts immediately turned to her friend,
I wonder if Ryan has commandeered Caitlin by now,
she thought wistfully.
I'd give anything to be with the O'Flaherty's today. I wonder if Jack will mind if I spend all of the holidays with Ryan after we're married?
she thought with a disgusted sigh.

After Jack dropped Jamie off at her parents home the next morning she spent a long time getting ready for her bike ride. The park was a good 10 miles away, but she decided to ride there just so she could leave earlier. As she came downstairs her mother regarded her with alarm. "Where are you going in that outfit?" she said as she stared at the skin tight black shorts and the equally snug emerald green jersey.