Awakenings - SF1 (81 page)

"What's wrong, Honey?" he asked quickly upon seeing her jerk.

"Oh, nothing, nothing," she insisted. "I was just dreaming...I must not have been fully awake." She shook her head roughly, trying to focus on who she was, where she was, and why she was in bed with Jack, since Ryan had just made love to her.

Oh shit, not this again
, she moaned to herself as she became fully conscious.
Why did I have to use her again? Jesus! He's doing everything I ever wanted him to do! Get out of my god damned bed, Ryan!
But even though her emotions blamed Ryan she knew in her soul that it was not her fault. She couldn't help that she was gorgeous and sexy and alluring and so smooth and warm and soft when Jamie was wrapped in her strong arms.
STOP IT! Just stop it right now!
she ordered her mind.
You're in bed with Jack and he's being the sweetest man on earth! Concentrate, damn it!

"Are you really okay, Jamie?" he asked rather tentatively, trying to connect with her far away look.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine," she said as she tried to shake the image of that beautiful face from her brain. She smiled up at Jack and said shyly, "I think you sent me into another world with that orgasm."

He smiled down at her, beaming proudly at his accomplishments. "Should I send in a reader's review to Amazon.com on the books I bought?"

"Definitely," she said with a matching smile.
While you're on there see if you can find me something on self-hypnosis, will ya?

She had to head home and work on that paper. Yep, definitely time to get to work. But even though the shortest way to Berkeley from Palo Alto was straight up she found her little Porsche heading north on the 101 winding up in the Noe Valley. Her fingers automatically dialed the pager, waiting patiently for her friend to return the call. As usual it took mere minutes. "Hi," she said in a reasonable facsimile of her normal tone.

"Finished with dinner?" Jamie asked.

"Yep. I just finished being me and Brendan," she said with a chuckle, referring to their clean-up regimen.

"Any plans for tonight?" she asked as lightly as possible.

"I was going to spend the evening with a few thousand pairs of chromosomes but I could easily be persuaded to put my biology homework aside. What do you have in mind?"

"How would you like me to buy you dessert?"

"Sure. When will you be here?"

"About 30 seconds? I'm in front of your house."

"Get in here, you loon!"

They decided to do the 'Double Rainbow Death March' as Jamie affectionately called it. The walk was not only long, it was terribly hilly, but it allowed her to gather her thoughts. They spoke of their respective weekends, and Ryan regaled her with a hilarious description of a frazzled ride leader who got over 50 people terribly lost in the Berkeley hills that afternoon. Ryan could clearly tell that something was bothering Jamie but she tried to keep the conversation light and let her go at her own pace. But by the time they reached the ice cream shop Ryan was out of interesting stories about her weekend with Caitlin and Duffy's latest exploits. They got their ice cream and started trudging back, the silence descending upon them until Jamie finally broke it.

"Can we talk about sex?"

"Uhh, sure," Ryan said carefully. "What do you want to talk about?"

"I want to talk about some pretty graphic stuff. Are you sure you're okay with that?"

"Hit me with your best shot," Ryan said with a confident smile.

"Well, you know I'm trying to work out some issues with Jack to see if we should get back together permanently." A nod urged her to continue. "Well, since one of our biggest problems is sex I decided to sleep with him this weekend." She wasn't sure but she thought she caught just a glimmer of pain flash across that beautiful face. But Ryan turned slightly and smiled at her, still not commenting. "Something really bothered me about it and I don't know who else to talk to."

"Go ahead," she urged. "I can take it."

"Okay," she said as she took a breath. "Um do you ever...ahh...fantasize while you're having sex?"

Ryan nodded just a tiny bit and said, "I think that's a very common thing for women to do. Some women do it once in a while, some do it every time. But I don't think it's necessarily anything that should concern you."

"You didn't really answer my question," Jamie said rather shyly.

"I didn't?"

"No. I asked if
you
ever fantasized."

"Oh...I guess you did, didn't you," she blushed. "Well, um...sure I have. I think everyone does some times."

"When do you do it?" she persisted.

"When? Like specifically when?" she asked lamely.

"This bothers you," Jamie said firmly. "We don't have to talk about it any more."

"No, no, it's not that it bothers me," Ryan admitted. "I'm just worried about why you want the information. I'm afraid of saying something that you'll misinterpret as the norm."

"Huh?"

"I don't want you to assume that the way I have sex is the right way, Jamie. I'm happy to tell you anything you want to know, but I just don't want you to over-interpret."

"Okay. I promise I'll view your opinion as a sample of one," she smirked.

Ryan shot her a quirky grin and finally answered her question fully. "I have fantasized in order to have an orgasm. But it's not something I do routinely. I would have to say it's a last resort."

"Last resort?"

"Yeah, if I can't come any other way I'll fantasize to get there."

"But it doesn't happen often."

"No. And it never happens with anyone I know well. I'm all about connection when I have sex. I'm really into experiencing my partner. You know...like on every plane. I love to taste and smell and feel them...just let them in as much as possible. If I'm having sex with someone I really like that feeling just gets more intense. I try to open myself up even more with people I trust to experience everything they have to give. A fantasy is something I have to use to be less connected to my partner...like if I misjudged someone."

"What do you mean by that?"

"Well, I don't know if I've mentioned this but if don't know the person I'm sleeping with I often don't let them touch me...genitally at least," she added with a smirk. "But once in a while I let someone I don't know touch me and sometimes I misjudge them and find that they don't arouse me or their technique just doesn't work for me. But rather than hurting their feelings and telling them to stop I'll just fantasize so I can have an orgasm and get out of there." Her lips quirked up in a grin as she added, "Pretty romantic, huh?"

"The first part was," Jamie said wistfully as she let out a heavy sigh.

They were back at the house by now and after a few minutes of small talk with Da they walked down to Ryan's room. Jamie sat on the loveseat and Ryan pulled her desk chair over, climbing onto it back wards and leaning forward to face her friend. "Tell me what's really going on, Jamie. It's clear that something is really bothering you."

"God, I really want to talk about it with you, Ryan, but I don't want to make you uncomfortable."

"You won't," she said sincerely. "I really can take it, Jamie."

She nodded briefly as she bit her lip in a nervous gesture. "Okay," she finally said. "We had some of the best sex we've ever had this weekend. He was like a different guy, Ryan. He was gentle and very loving and he tried really hard to be experimental. And things went great! They really did," she said emphatically.

Ryan continued to gaze at her with a penetrating stare. "But..." she said softly.

"But, this afternoon bothered me...a lot," she admitted. "He tried to make love to me with his mouth and even though it felt fabulous I had a lot of trouble concentrating and staying connected to him. I mean, he was really doing a good job!" she exclaimed rather defensively.

Ryan just nodded, not saying a word.

"I had to...fantasize to have an orgasm and it really bothered me," she said as tears welled up in her eyes.

"Why did it bother you?" Ryan asked softly, her deep voice surrounding Jamie's senses like a dense fog.

"Because I had to think about ...
you
," she sniffed as she broke into tears. Immediately, Ryan was next to her, cradling her in her wonderfully warm and comforting embrace. She rocked her slowly, making soft 'shushing' sounds to calm her.

"I...I don't know what to do, Ryan," she sniffed. "Part of me only wants to be with you and no one else for the rest of my life. But another part knows that Jack is safe and reassuring and...
and..."

"Normal," Ryan finished for her quietly.

Jamie lifted her tear streaked face and gazed at her pathetically. "Is it so wrong to want to be like everybody else?"

"No, it's not wrong, Jamie," she said softly. "But it won't work if it's not right for you."

"But how do I know, Ryan? I'm so afraid..."

"I know, Jamie. I really do know," she said with her voice full of emotion and empathy.

"I just wish there was some way that I could...you know...kind of experiment before I had to make a decision." She looked up a Ryan with the barest hint of a question in her green eyes.

"What exactly do you mean?" Ryan asked carefully as she sat up slightly.

"I don't know," she grumbled. "I mean I know what it's like with Jack but I don't know if I'd really be happy with a woman. I wish I could...you know...experiment a little before I had to jump in."

"And you would like to experiment with me?" she asked in that same calm tone of voice.

"Well, yeah," Jamie laughed with an embarrassed giggle. "I'm not attracted to any other woman."

"Oh," Ryan said as she released her hold and stood. "You want me to make love to you so you can make sure I really do turn you on." She was obviously getting angry and Jamie tried to stop her to explain but Ryan was on a roll. "So if I fuck you well enough I win, but if your orgasm doesn't reach a certain height you put me back in 'friendville' and go marry Jack, right? Now correct me if I got any part of this wrong, Jamie," she said with biting sarcasm. "Do I get two out of three tries? Do I immediately go to oral sex or can I pull out a big dildo to help me out?" She was towering over Jamie's now shaking body, glaring at her with an intensity that was terrifying to the smaller woman. "I'd tell you where you can stick your idea, Jamie, but that might be another area I might be expected to satisfy!" She turned and ran up the stairs, yanking the front door open violently and shutting it with a glass rattling slam.

She wasn't sure of many things right then. But she was most definitely sure that she had never been more bereft. She was as sure as she had ever been that she had destroyed her friendship with the closest friend she had ever dreamed of having, and she was equally certain that Ryan would never have her as a lover. She hovered over the commode, heaving every morsel of food and acid from her clenching stomach, hoping fervently that she did not pass out, since that would only make a worse mess for Ryan to clean. She was crying so violently that she did not hear her come back into the room but soft warm hands lifted her gently from her kneeling position and scooped her up into Ryan's embrace. She carried her back to the loveseat and placed her gently on the cushions but Jamie's fragmented brain could hardly accept the generous gesture. Seconds later a warm cloth whisked the tears from her face and wiped her mouth gently. Then the cushions compressed as Ryan sat down right next to her and pulled her onto her lap.

The dark head leaned forward and planted tiny, soft kisses all over her face, reassuring Jamie with her physical intimacies. When the great, heaving sobs calmed she tugged the smaller woman close and whispered, "I'm so sorry, Jamie. I'm so very sorry."

She accepted the apology even though she did not believe that Ryan had anything to apologize for. "I'm the one who should apologize," she murmured against her damp neck.

"No," Ryan said firmly. "I told you to tell me what was on your mind and when you did I blasted you for it. That was just wrong of me, Jamie. And I'm very sorry for doing that."

"I hurt your feelings, Ryan," she mumbled softly.

"Yes, you did hurt me," she agreed. "But you didn't mean to. You're just trying to find a way to make this whole thing less frightening for yourself and I should have realized that."

"Are you still my friend?" she asked tentatively.

"Always," Ryan replied confidently. "I will always be your friend, Jamie." After a second she explained, "But if we were to sleep together on a whim I don't think I could be your friend. You mean far too much to me to cheapen what I feel for you, Jamie. I can't and I won't reduce my feelings for you to mere lust."

"I'm so sorry I made you feel that way, Ryan. I don't know where that even came from," she said sadly as she shook her head. "I find myself saying and doing things that are just not me! I hardly recognize the woman who propositioned you just to try lesbian sex out!"

Ryan's gentle chuckle caused her to look up. "It wasn't that bad," she teased.

"Yes it was," Jamie said firmly. "That's not who I am, Ryan. I don't even know where that thought came from but it's not how I think of you."