Away (15 page)

They looked at one another, and for a moment Alex thought they would spill, and then Devon shoved back his chair. “Thanks for dinner, Alex. We’ll have to talk another time because Jeff and I have to go back to the office for a couple of hours. Don’t wait up. You still don’t look well. We’ll see you at breakfast.”

Alex sat numbly as they left the house. They hadn’t kissed her, hadn’t looked her way again after Devon’s patently obvious excuse. God, what if Melissa was right? What if they really wanted more from her, things she couldn’t give them? She couldn’t perform at the Club, not even with them. It would cheapen what they had and crush her soul, and they said they understood that. And share her? Good God, this was insane.

Alex stumbled to the computer and downloaded information on BDSM. Much of it was confusing and conflicting, and she nearly laughed at the idea of dog dishes and leashes and cages. She’d kill them in their sleep first. But the articles on possessing a woman so fully that sharing her with another man was a hugely powerful experience didn’t belie what Melissa told her, even down to the pride they would feel. Surely that wasn’t Jeff and Devon.

She had done everything they had asked of her, even things that pushed and exploded her boundaries. But it had been for them, with them, and because she totally trusted them. Perhaps it hadn’t been enough, though they said it was. Perhaps she hadn’t been paying attention, what with getting sick and her lengthy convalescence. She’d been pretty involved in her work, too, and had been away to consult, sometimes coming home later than usual, though with their knowledge. And she had been pretty tired then, so they had just cuddled in bed.

This was nuts. She was looking for reasons, and it just didn’t sound like them. Alex agonized, rereading the articles. She tried to imagine it for herself, tried to feel even a semblance of arousal but felt only disgust and a mild nausea. She loved them and couldn’t share herself with anyone other than them. If it wasn’t enough, then they would have to accept it and move on or let her go. Alex actually doubled over at the thought, but she simply couldn’t budge on this.

There was one more thing she could do tonight. She had never pictured herself as ever checking up on her men, but their behaviour rankled. Alex got into her car and drove to the Club, feeling like a stalker and certain she was wrong and would feel really foolish. She slammed on the brakes in shock. The truck
was
there. They
were
in the Club. God, she would be sick. She couldn’t think.

She drove home on autopilot and took her medication and some painkillers. Alex wasn’t sure if she had the kind of pain that they worked on, but she couldn’t cope with any more tonight. She certainly couldn’t face Jeff and Devon. On that thought, she went to bed and fell into an exhausted sleep. She didn’t hear the men come home.

* * * *

Devon followed Jeff quietly into the house. They had had a long talk with Stephan at the Club and resigned themselves to discussing a scene between him and Alex with her. Stephan had been so understanding and knowledgeable. Devon told Jeff that he had detected a hint of lust behind the discussion but dismissed it. Of course Stephan found Alex sexy. Who wouldn’t? But his involvement with her would be on a professional level, to fulfill her. But it didn’t sit right, and they had struggled with the concept. It was like they didn’t know her all of a sudden, but she hadn’t told them Melissa had been over to visit that afternoon, and she seemed on edge all through dinner. Why would she hide the fact that Melissa had been there? Maybe the high fever had addled her brain or something. They had speculated over beers, and finally Jeff put it into words.

“We trained her, buddy, and I guess we did create the monster we tease her about all the time,” he concluded ruefully. “Alex must have been thinking a lot over the past few weeks when she was sick. And we weren’t paying attention.”

“If she wants to try out with an experienced Dom,” Devon said bitterly, “then we need to give that to her. She’s given us everything. I just thought we were enough for her.”

Jeff wanted to punch the wall. “I just don’t get it. What’s with the exhibitionism all of a sudden? And the idea of sharing? It’s like some sort of weird joke. Except Alex doesn’t prank people.”

Devon was at the computer, checking the history. He turned a sick, white face to Jeff and pointed at the screen. BDSM downloads about sharing, exhibitionism. Christ, Melissa had it right, so Stephan was their man. They couldn’t allow just anyone to have their woman but needed to do right by her and fulfill her.

Jeff scrubbed his hands over his face. “It’s going to wreck us, Dev. I know it.”

“We’ll just have to suck it up, do it for her. But just fucking once. Just the fucking once,” snarled Devon as he whirled and headed to the guestroom.

Jeff followed more slowly, turning out lights, staring in astonishment at the chaos in the kitchen. The leftover food sat uncovered, the dishes remained on the table. They had walked out on Alex without letting her tell them of her deepest desire and fantasy, and she had become so upset that she didn’t clear up after dinner. It was so unlike her that it quashed any remaining doubts Jeff had. The anger held back the tears he hadn’t shed since he was a kid. He cleaned up and headed off to bed, wondering at how tired he felt.

* * * *

Alex climbed out of bed the next day, weary to the bone. Yesterday’s events had come crashing into her consciousness the minute she opened her eyes. She needed to find the strength to talk to her men but certainly didn’t possess it at the moment. She took a hot shower, easing her muscles and trying to clear her head. She couldn’t come up with any approach that didn’t sound selfish. They had told Stephan, that scary Dom, for heaven’s sake, that they wanted him to flog her, paddle her in public, in front of them, and probably fuck her, too. Alex had never used that word before, but it exactly suited what they wanted Stephan to do to her in front of everyone. Because they wanted to offer what belonged to them because they could, and it would fulfill them.

Did she love them enough? She guessed she did. She would agree and get through this once. Maybe it would be enough. If it wasn’t, well, she would cross that bridge when she came to it.

Before she had second thoughts, Alex dried off and threw a robe on. Devon and Alex didn’t like her to wear clothes at home alone with them, but she couldn’t face them and discuss this topic without some kind of armour. She walked to the kitchen with her heart in her mouth and stopped, puzzled. They weren’t there. The coffee wasn’t even made. God, had they even come home last night? It wasn’t yet time for their shift.

Alex raced down the hall and checked the first guest room. Devon had tidied it with his usual flair, but he had left a towel on the chair. It was still damp. She couldn’t tell if Jeff had slept in the other room, but the clothes he had worn yesterday were in the hamper. She sank down on the bed and clutched a pillow, breathing in his scent. They had come home but hadn’t come to bed with her, not that she had been in any shape to welcome them. Maybe they had shared some new woman at the Club and had been so late coming home to change that they hadn’t waited for breakfast. Hadn’t waited for her to join them as they had done every day she lived with them.

Alex worked hard at curbing her imagination. They weren’t like that. But they did want to show her off and share her, hiding it from her because she had expressed total opposition when she had toured the Club. They had lied to her, reassuring her that they were too possessive, that she meant too much to them to let others see her naked or experiencing erotic pain and pleasure, let alone share her. Or maybe they meant it at the time but now were getting jaded. The tears slipped down her face as she made her way back to the kitchen. She began to hear gurgling noises, and she thought they had come back, so hurried to meet them.

The kitchen stood empty, but the coffeemaker was pumping water through the grounds. One of the guys, probably Jeff, had set the timer for her so she wouldn’t have to wait for her first cup. The tears flowed more freely, and her shoulders shook with sobs. Alex shoved her fist against her mouth and tried to compose herself. She sat at the breakfast bar and gazed unseeingly at a white square of paper.
Alex, we were called in early. Will probably be late, so don’t wait up if you’re tired. Love you. D & J

Alex didn’t know what to make of it. Maybe it was true, maybe they were avoiding her. She reached for the cordless and called the station. She’d ask to meet them for lunch or dinner. They had to eat, and she was flexible.

There was no answer on either line. She called their cell phones, only to have it go to voice mail. Alex left a message on Jeff’s, for he was more apt to check for messages. She thought about texting, but her cell phone battery was dead as usual. On a whim she called the station desk and reached Mallory, a really nice older lady they’d had over for dinner on several occasions. Mallory had no family and many of the officers had adopted her, or maybe she had adopted them.

“Sorry, Alex,” Mallory replied to her query. “Your fellas haven’t checked in today. Yet,” she hastened to add. “They are on the roster, so I’m sure they’ll be here on time.”

Alex thanked her numbly, trying to pretend everything was fine. Maybe they had a lead to follow up before reporting in. This just wasn’t like her guys. She didn’t know what else to do so just sat there breathing in the smell of coffee and listening to her heart break.

* * * *

Jeff checked his phone messages. He had seen their home number come up, and so had Devon. Neither could talk to her right now. They didn’t know what to say. They hadn’t slept much and met by unspoken agreement in the kitchen long before Alex ever woke. Jeff put coffee together for her and set the timer but couldn’t face her. He and Devon left the house and drove back to the Club. They spent some time with Alistair, the owner and manager, rousing him from his bed in the apartment about the Club. He was pissed at them, protesting that he’d been up until the early hours after they left while Stephan and Melissa had put on a show. However, he agreed to arrange a scene for Friday night, three days hence.

Jeff felt like he was checking off items to do on a list. Talk to Stephan, work out a time at the Club, plan a scene, talk with Alex. He didn’t want to talk with her about it, and that didn’t feel right. They talked about absolutely everything else.

Devon was on the same wavelength. “We have to talk to her about this, Jeff. At least tell her we have come up with something that should work for her.”

Jeff nodded. “We’ll tell her at dinner on Friday. That way we only have to pretend everything’s okay, that we’re okay with it, for a couple of hours. In the meantime I’m going to work as much overtime as I can. I don’t want Alex to know how pissed I am with this idea. It wouldn’t be fair to her, and she’d try to back out and spare our feelings. You know how she is.”

Devon scrubbed his hands over his face. “I won’t guilt her out, Jeff. But it’s just this once. She’ll have to accept that, or I don’t see this relationship going anywhere. Fuck, man, I don’t know how I’m going to be able to stand it. She’s ours. And I thought we were hers.”

Jeff found the repeated downloads on the computer each night and showed Devon. They agreed to resign themselves to give Alex what she clearly wanted. They agreed to make it home for dinner on Friday and hear Alex out then reassure her with the news that she didn’t have long to wait. They would do this for her because they loved her, despite their fear that it would end what they all had together. Stephan continued to be supportive and encouraging as were their other colleagues who participated at the Club. Greg was the lone voice who shared some reservations. He mentioned that Lacey felt this was a rather odd change of heart on Alex’s part, but upon hearing the evidence he, too, conceded.

The next two days were a nightmare for Alex. It didn’t matter how late she stayed up. When Devon and Jeff finally got home, they smelled of beer and were in no mood to make time for her, shooing her off to bed, chiding her for not taking better care of herself. They kissed her good night, but their kisses were fleeting and lacked any depth of feeling. It was like they were withholding themselves from her, and it killed off something inside. She got up early both mornings. The first day she was in time to see the SUV backing down the driveway. The second day, she found Devon in the shower, masturbating, his head against the tile, his lips tight, and anger rolling off of him in waves. Alex crept back to the master bedroom and pulled the covers over her head so they wouldn’t hear her crying. She didn’t bother getting up Friday morning.

On Friday, Alex tried to compose a letter to her men. She handwrote it, finding her laptop too cold, too clinical. She told them how much she loved them and was sorry that they weren’t satisfied with her. She apologized for not being more sensitive to their needs and offered to try it their way, at least once. She told them that she believed love was about compromise, so she would do her best. Alex hoped it didn’t look too much like a pity party and shoved it under the desk blotter. She would try to express herself better later. In any event, she would e-mail it to them if they continued to avoid her. She had a tiny spark of temper building and was close to branding them as cowards. They needed to tell her what they wanted. They needed to talk.