Azaria (29 page)

As she stood, she caught sight of how filthy she was. The thought of her father seeing her in such a grimy state was distressing.
If he sees me like this, he'll ask what I was doing. He'll see my red eyes and know something was wrong.
She didn’t want to have to explain. He had too many of his own troubles to deal with, but also she just didn’t want to talk about it.

Azaria tried to rid her mind of her woes on her way back, but the fresh memories of what had occurred kept creeping through. She couldn’t help dwelling on what had happened, blaming herself and then Dogahn and Yumineh and then herself again.

It helped ease the pain to think of other things. Her mind turned back to the Equinox.
Why would the Ta’araki want to sacrifice me? Why would I be so special?
The answer came to her, but it was too horrible.
What if it's because the Ta'ar did want a special gift? Is that why Fahim named me Bird-Runner. Father seemed so angry about it. Was this why? Did Fahim somehow think the Ta'ar had picked me? Is that what she meant when she said the Ta'ar would require much of me? That They wanted me for Themselves? But why Jesenia?
Azaria remembered Daneel had mentioned Yumineh when they were talking earlier and had quickly changed the subject.
Why did she mention Yumineh? What was she hiding from me? Was Yumineh their second choice? Rejected because she wasn't a virgin anymore?

A dread shiver crawled up her back.
What if they didn't want me in particular? What if they just wanted a virgin girl? Jesenia and I are both virgins. The Ta'araki must have believed Yumineh was too. Is that how father was hurt? They told me he fell looking for that herb. Is that why Hadir sent me away? If they couldn't find me and they’d found out Yumineh wasn’t a virgin, they would have had to pick someone else. What if they found out too late to discuss another option? And they just had to grab whoever was available. Jesenia was beautiful and her family's status wasn't too low.

Azaria walked for a distance in silence, pondering everything she'd been contemplating. After a while, her thoughts turned back to Daneel.
Why didn't Daneel want to talk about Yumineh? Why did she get so uncomfortable all of a sudden? Did she know Yumineh wasn't a virgin? Did she know what Dogahn had done with her?
She couldn't help the anger welling in her chest.
How could she not tell me? Daneel is supposed to be my friend!

---

Eventually, Azaria recognized the patterns of the forest and was again surprised she'd gone so far. To her it seemed she'd barely run anywhere at all. A wave of self-conscious anxiety flooded over her as she arrived at Boar Camp. It seemed everyone was looking at her, before she remembered how dirty she was.

After brushing off and a quick wash at the river, she shared the evening meal with her parents, avoiding their eyes as much as possible. She answered vaguely when Zephia asked her where Dogahn was and if she'd invited him to eat with them. After the meal, she told her parents she was going for a walk.

"Azaria, it's getting colder now. You should stay here," Zephia objected.

“I won’t stay out long.” Azaria promised.

"Well, if your father thinks it's okay."

"Father?" Azaria asked, without meeting his eyes.

"Mmph," he grunted. He'd hardly been listening, his thoughts on his own burdens.

Azaria took the grunt as affirmation and was gone before they changed their minds.

"What is wrong with her, Azerban?" Zephia asked after she’d left.

"Who knows? She's a young woman. Probably just her cycle..." he answered vaguely.

"Quzo. Why don't you go stay with Ania and Shaledar tonight?" Zephia said.

"Really?" Quzo responded with delight.

"Yes, but bring your furs. Go straight there. Come and give me a kiss first."

"Azerban," Zephia started after their youngest had departed. "Since we're alone, why don't you tell me what's been going on?" Since the morning meal, she'd been feeling much better, with hardly a trace of cough at all. She decided to take the opportunity to have a much needed conversation with her mate.

"Uhh... What do you mean?" he said.

"I don't know. Why don't you start with whatever's bothering Azaria? And then you can tell me why Jesenia and Fahim are dead and why Dolaria and Disjad have left." Azerban looked her in the eye and realized the spark he'd always adored had returned - and that right now he didn't adore it quite as much.

"So you know about all that." he said, returning his gaze back to the hearth as he poured dirt on it to lessen the flames.

"Yes, I know. Well, some of it anyway. I've let you keep your secrets because I knew you didn't want me worrying about such things. But you're going to have to tell me sooner or later."

Azerban sighed. He left a small flame burning, before climbing under his furs next to his mate. "I'm not sure what's bothering Azaria. But as far as the other things you mentioned, I fear you'll never forgive me if I tell you."

Despite his fears, Azerban told her of the Ta'araki meeting before the Equinox, of how he'd exploded with rage at hearing of Fahim's plans and of how he'd picked Dikshar up by the neck and threw him to the floor. He told her of how in desperation he'd suggested Yumineh in place of Azaria and of how he'd thrown himself off the cliff that night. Zephia listened silently, gently wiping his tears away with her thumb. Azerban told her of how Hadir had sent Azaria away to save her and what had happened when the Ta'araki returned back from the ceremony. He told her of what Dolaria had done and how he'd convinced the Council to pity her.

Zephia cried with him after hearing the whole story, holding him as she would Quzo after a traumatic incident.

"It's not your fault, Azerban. You did what you felt you had to do. I forgive you. How could I not, after saving my child?"

"But you don't understand, Zephia!" Azerban sobbed. "None of it needed to happen. If I’d just held with Izyl, none of this would have come about. Together we had the votes to stop Fahim. But I was weak and panicked. I failed. I failed Jesenia. I failed Dolaria and Disjad. I failed Yumineh. I failed Izyl. I failed you and Azaria. I failed everyone. How can I be a leader after such failures?"

Zephia kissed him and caressed the top of his head. "Azerban, I love you. But you can't destroy yourself over this. Your family still needs you. You made one mistake in a moment of great strain. Who could blame you? You certainly can't blame yourself. How could anyone have thought rationally given the circumstances? Fahim is gone. It is done. We will put this behind us."

"That is the only good thing to come of this," Azerban said. "Fahim is gone... and the sacrifices will stop."

"Sacrifices?" Zephia asked. Azerban's eyes opened wide, realizing his mistake. He opened his mouth to answer, but Zephia put her lips to his. She rolled herself on top of him and kissed him fiercely. "Forget it. You can tell me later."

While Azerban took his mate into his arms for the first time in many moons, his daughter sat atop Sunset Hill, alone. Her fury simmered as she dwelled on the notion that Daneel had known about Yumineh and Dogahn all along. And had kept it from her.

---

Daneel stood indecisively watching Azaria wash dishes in the river. She wasn't sure her friend wanted to be bothered. Something was terribly wrong and all her attempts at discovering it had failed. She knew something was off because for the last two suns Yumineh and Dogahn had been inseparable and Azaria had been in hiding. Yumineh looked happier than Daneel had ever seen her. Dogahn’s mental state was harder to decipher. When she attempted to gather information from Yumineh, she was brushed off. Dogahn didn't seem to want to talk either. She’d asked almost everyone she could think of, at first trying a casual approach and then, when that didn't work, more pointedly. But no one seemed to know anything, or didn't want to tell her what they did know. The only people she hadn't talked to were Azaria's parents and Azaria herself. Since she didn't think Azerban or Zephia would appreciate her inquiries, the only one left to confront was her best friend. But she wasn't sure Azaria would welcome her company right now. She seemed to want to be left alone. So Daneel found herself in the awkward position of watching Azaria from afar, afraid to announce her presence and unwilling to turn around.

To her embarrassment, Azaria solved the dilemma for her. She turned suddenly and yelled, "Why are you watching me?"

"Oh, uhh... sorry." Daneel said, walking down to greet her properly. "I wasn't sure you wanted company."

"Actually, I don't. I'd rather be left alone." Azaria could see the dismay on her friend's face and despite herself, felt guilty. "If you don't mind."

"No, of course not. I understand... Maybe I'll see you later?" Daneel asked.

"Yes, I'm sure."

"Okay, then," Daneel said. "Well... see you later."

"Okay, Daneel. You too." Azaria walked past her, a load of bone and wooden dishes in her arms.

Disappointed, Daneel turned and watched her walk away, but then decided she couldn't take it anymore. She followed Azaria and matched her quick stride, almost running to keep up.

"I just need to talk."

“About what?” Azaria demanded.

“Uhhh...”

"Well??" Azaria demanded again.

Daneel was a little put off by her tone. She wasn't surprised she wanted to be alone, especially if her suspicions were correct, but Azaria was exhibiting an extreme amount of hostility toward her - extreme for her anyway. She had no idea where it was coming from, but was getting a little scared. She decided she'd already blown the entry however, and might as well just come out with it. "What happened, Azaria?"

Azaria knew what Daneel was referring to, but chafed against her friend's blunt approach. "What do you mean?"

"What do I mean? Why are you hiding? Why is Yumineh acting like Dogahn's promised to her and why does Dogahn look like he just wants to crawl into some cave and hide away forever?"

Daneel's brazenness angered her. How dare she act so oblivious? "As if you don't know!" Azaria raged. "What else do you expect me to do?"

Daneel was caught speechless. It was more than obvious now that Azaria’s anger was at least in part directed at her, but she didn’t know why. She came to discover what was wrong and to console her best friend about what had happened and now she was being accused of... of something. She didn't even know what it was Azaria was accusing her of. "Azaria," she said gingerly. "I don't know what's going on. That's what I'm trying to figure out. Will you tell me what happened between you and Dogahn?"

Azaria stared at her friend, now also confused. She’d known Daneel her whole life and could tell when she was lying, or even holding back. The two could read each other as easily as a seasoned hunter reads the path of his prey. She knew Daneel was sincere. "Oh, Daneel!" she sobbed. "You don't know what happened between Dogahn and Yumineh? I thought you knew. I thought you'd kept it from me."

"That's what I'm trying to find out!" Daneel exclaimed.

"Yumineh's not a virgin, Daneel! And Dogahn is the reason." Azaria turned away after blurting the words out. She was tired of crying over Dogahn. It seemed to her it was all she'd done since Yumineh had confronted him at the practice targets. The realization embarrassed her. He didn't deserve her tears. She struggled to regain her composure. "So that's what's wrong."

Daneel was lost in thought.
So it was Dogahn.
She wondered how Azaria had found out, but didn't feel right pushing her anymore. She’d confirmed what she wanted to know. Azaria had found out about them. That would have been enough to break them. And Yumineh was taking advantage of their separation. It was enough information for now. Her errand had changed. Now her friend needed her. "Oh, Azaria! I'm so sorry."

"I'm not," Azaria replied. "If that's who he is, then isn’t it better I found out now? At least we weren't tied."

Daneel wondered how she could be so strong. She knew how much Azaria had loved Dogahn.
How could he have done this to her?
But even as she wondered, she had a strong suspicion as to the answer. She was sure it was probably more Yumineh's doing than his. If Yumineh had made herself available to him, it would have been difficult for any man to resist. Still, Dogahn was supposed to be in love with Azaria.

She wondered what would come next. Were they broken for good? Would Dogahn want to be with Yumineh after everyone discovered what they’d done?
She has a lot to offer still. Even with the dishonor, she'll still be left with a lot of status.
Can Azaria really get over it so easily? If so, then why was she hiding? She’s probably humiliated. But it wasn’t her fault.
"You're right, Azaria!" she finally answered. "He's not good enough for you. He never was. You deserve someone much better."

Azaria put the dishes down on the table outside her shelter and smiled, but there was also an obvious sadness in the expression. "Thanks, Daneel. I don't know what I'd do without you. We'll just go back to the way things were in the spring. Before Dogahn and I got together. And before Yumineh showed up. It'll just be me and you again."

Daneel smiled and hugged her. But she also grew anxious. She hadn't thought Azaria would expect her to give up her friendship with Yumineh. She wasn't sure she wanted to. Despite her faults, Yumineh had been a good friend. Daneel liked her.
We're always the center of attention when we're together,
she thought.
Men can't resist following us around. But I love Azaria, too. Will she be hurt if I keep Yumineh’s friendship? But even if I try to stay away from her, Yumineh will never leave me alone. She'll try to drive a wedge between Azaria and me. At least she can't stay here much longer. She'll have to go back to Fox Camp before the snows fall.