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Chapter 24
The Bottom

When she made it home to the apartment it was past ten. She called in at work and told them she was sick, that she had the flu, that she didn’t think she’d be able to come in for the rest of the week. She hung up the phone and went into the bathroom and started the tub. She shut all the curtains and found her tape player and listened to Brenda Lee while she sat in darkness in the warm water.

Hours passed and she stayed like that. She let the cold water drain and added the hot. She didn’t wash herself or do anything, she just lay there and played the tape over and over. When she finally got out she put on a T-shirt and sweat pants and went to the kitchen, took a steak knife, and sat on the floor and tried to cut her wrists.

She took the knife and pressed it into her skin, but she couldn’t do it. She sat for hours that way hoping for courage. She wasn’t having a panic attack. It wasn’t like that. Her heartbeat was slow and steady. She was calm. As she sat with the knife she saw nothing but the facts. Her past and the things she had done. They were with her, sitting next to her. They didn’t haunt her right then, they were just there and they wanted her to take the knife and cut her wrists. But in the end she couldn’t make the cuts. She wished for a gun but had no strength to get one. She wished for pills but didn’t have any.

She lay on the floor and fell asleep and when she woke she went back to the bathtub and started the water. She didn’t eat or drink. She lay in the tub for a while and then in her bed. She didn’t watch TV or try to force herself up and fight. She collapsed. The day slipped into the next. She got up from the bed and sat at the kitchen table and again tried to cut her wrists. When she knew she couldn’t, she fell to the floor and laid there and cried.

Another day passed and still she had not eaten or drunk. She didn’t get up off the floor. She urinated on herself but did not move. The phone rang but she did not pick it up. She just lay there and night passed and she decided she would end herself that way. She would not move, she would not eat or drink.

She fell asleep and in a dream Paul Newman grabbed her. He was dressed as a police officer. He was older, he had gray hair, and was tired and spent and worn out.

‘Enough,’ he cried. ‘Enough.’

There were tears in his eyes.

‘Don’t do this to me – please,’ he begged.

He held onto her and tears fell from his face.

‘I can’t help it,’ she said barely.

‘But you can.’

‘It would be easier this way.’

‘Not for me it wouldn’t,’ he told her.

‘I’m just so tired.’

‘I know you are. Look, it’s okay to crack, but you just can’t give up.’

‘Will you hate me if I give up?’

‘I could never hate you.”

‘But I make so many mistakes. All I ever do is screw up and I’m scared all the time.’

‘I know you are, but I’ll help you out. You just have to try first.’

‘I’m sorry, but I can’t. I just can’t.’

Paul held onto her. He didn’t know what to say. He kissed her forehead. He squeezed her as tight as he could.

‘What about the kid?’ he said finally. ‘What if he finds out? What if he needs you some day?’

‘You think he will?’

‘He might. It can be a hard world.’

‘He really might need me?’ she asked.

‘There’s always a chance. You can’t risk that, can you?’

‘No,’ she said. ‘I can’t.’

When she woke, she got up and went to the sink for a glass of water. She made herself eat a piece of bread, then turned on the TV and started the tub.

Chapter 25
Penny Pearson

After her next shift back at the Cal Neva she stopped at a mini-mart and bought a TV guide. As she walked down Second Street towards the apartment she passed an old office building, and on the door was a ‘Help wanted’ sign.

She stopped and looked through her purse, found a pen and a piece of paper, and wrote down the number. She called about the job that evening.

‘Hello,’ a lady answered.

‘I’m calling for Penny Pearson.’

‘This is.’

‘I’m calling about the job.’

‘I like your voice,’ the woman said. ‘Tell me something about yourself.’

‘My name is Allison Johnson. I used to have an old Curt. It was my mom’s. Our dog chewed the cord in half but my mom’s old boyfriend fixed it. It was bright orange. It howled, there was something wrong with it, but it still worked good.’

‘Do you need the job?’

‘Yeah. It’s a second job. I need to stay busy.’

‘You mind people hanging up on you all the time?’

‘I don’t know. I’ve never done phone sales.’

‘You mind overweight forty-three-year-old women who smoke?’

‘No,’ the girl said.

‘Then come down tomorrow evening, say around five. You know where we’re at?’

‘Is it where the help wanted sign is? Is it in that building?’

‘It is, hon. Number four.’

‘I can be there.’

‘I hope that you are,’ the woman said and hung up the phone.

The next evening the woman opened the door to room number four and stood blocking the entrance with her body.

‘You must be Allison,’ she said and put out her hand. ‘I’m Penny Pearson.’

The woman was five feet eight inches tall and weighed nearly four hundred pounds. Her hair was dark brown and pulled back in a braid that ran down to her waist. She was dressed in a faded blue jogging outfit and white socks and sandals. There was a heavy stream of sweat leaking down her brow.

‘The first thing you got to realize with this sorta job is that there’s no dress code. You look nice, don’t get me wrong, and that’s okay, but I guess what I’m saying is that you don’t have to.’

‘I didn’t know.’

‘That’s why I’m telling you. Your desk is near the window. I put out a W-2 and an application for you to fill out. You can start there, and while you’re busy with that, you can listen to me on the phone. It’s a real battle. You got yourself into something this time,’ she said, and laughed.

The room was small, barely able to fit in the two full size gray metal desks, the green metal bookcase filled with boxes, and the color TV which sat on a half-size refrigerator. The walls were white but smoke-stained, fluorescent lights hung from overhead, and posters of Curt brand vacuum cleaners took up the available wall space. The girl sat at the desk, took a pen from her purse, and filled out the forms while she listened to the woman make calls.

‘Hello, hi there, I’m Penny with Curt Vacuums. Would you care to get one of your carpets professionally cleaned by a Curt Vacuum representative? It’s free with absolutely no strings attached except to experience the fine quality and hardworking ability of
a genuine dry shampooing Curt vacuum
.’ She paused for a second. ‘Well, thank you anyway,’ she said and hung up. She lit a cigarette and dialed the next number.

‘Hello, hi there, I’m Penny. Would you care to get one of your carpets professionally cleaned by a Curt Vacuum representative? It’s free of charge with absolutely no strings attached except to experience the fine quality and hardworking ability of
a genuine dry shampooing Curt vacuum
.’

The girl finished the forms and waited.

‘Tonight, you just listen,’ the woman said to her in between calls.

At three minutes to nine o’clock Penny lit a cigarette, went to the fridge, took a can of cream soda, and opened it. ‘We’re done for tonight. Not much of a job, but at least it’s something. I signed twenty tonight, if you can get ten then you’re worth keeping. It’s not bad when you get used to people yelling at you, threatening your life. You have to take those things in your stride. It doesn’t mean anything if you can look at it right. What do you think?’

‘I don’t know,’ the girl said. ‘I can give it a try. I’m not the strongest on the phone, but I like the hours.’

‘It’s not for everyone. During the day I’m a travel agent and with all the horrible things happening to us with the internet and the airlines cutting commissions I decided to get an extra job and try to save money.’

‘How long have you worked here?’

‘Seven years,’ she said and laughed. ‘Stupid, huh?’

‘I don’t know,’ the girl said and tried to smile.

‘Well, anyway, we’ll get to know each other. I usually give a week to a girl so she can get the hang of it. Paid, of course. If by then you’re not signing up at least ten people a night then I’ll have to let you go. Don’t feel bad if you don’t make it.’

‘Can I ask you a question?’

‘Sure,’ Penny said and took the sweat band from her head and set it on the table.

‘Why would you give away a free shampoo and carpet cleaning?’

‘It’s door to door sales. We have three reps out there. I set up appointments and give the info to them, then they take over. The vacuums run up to two thousand dollars so the salesmen can really make a buck if they’re good.’

‘That much for a vacuum cleaner?’

‘I know,’ the woman said.

‘Who would buy something like that?’

‘Old ladies, rich people, people with no idea about money, who knows? It’s the salesmen, too. They go in, some are really good, and they go around and show you how dirty and awful your place is. They vacuum your couch, curtains, a sure winner is vacuuming your mattress. All that dead skin, dust, hair, it takes it all. They show the customer each time they make a pass what exactly comes up. It’s sick the things it sucks up. Sometimes those reps are in the customer’s house for a couple hours.’

‘I wish someone would clean my carpets, they’re awful.’

‘Well, if you stay on, I can borrow one of the demo models and lend it to you. They are pretty damn good. Tomorrow I’ll start you calling. There’s a sheet on the desk that tells you what to say. If you’re good you’ll ad lib the rest. Things to remember. Don’t give your last name. If they ask for it, make up a false one. It’s against company policy to do so, but believe me people get angry. Don’t give out our address, under any circumstances. And always remain calm. If they threaten your life or say they’re going to come down and kill you, you have to remember we have a blocked number. Also, flirt. If it’s an old guy or any sorta guy just flirt, it’s usually a quick sale. Old women – call them ma’am, be gentle. Young women – well, good luck.’

‘All right,’ Allison said.

‘You want a cream soda?’

‘No thanks,’ the girl said.

‘You should have one. It might be the only thing you get out of this job.’

She thanked the woman and walked over to the fridge, took a soda from it, and sat back down at her desk and opened it.

‘So what’s your other job?’

‘I work at the Cal Neva, in the Top Deck restaurant.’

‘I love their corn beef and cabbage. At least once a month I go there for that. Maybe I’ve seen you?’

‘I work graveyard.’

‘If I’m gonna go there I leave right after here. Graveyard, that’s late.’

‘Starts at midnight,’ Allison said and stood up. ‘So we’re done for tonight?’

‘We’re done for tonight.’

‘I have the job?’

‘Think it over. I’ll be here at five. If you’re not, then I’ll figure you didn’t want it.’

Chapter 26
The Track

The next morning, near the end of her shift, the man with the lazy eye sat in her section. He was dressed in his work uniform.

‘Coffee?’ the girl said, standing in front of him with a pot.

‘Yeah,’ he said and yawned.

She filled the cup. ‘Do you want the usual?’

‘Yeah,’ he said and looked at her. ‘I’ve never told you my name, but it’s Dan.’

She laughed. ‘Your name tag says it.’

‘I guess it does,’ he said and his face reddened. ‘When I was in San Francisco I bet a horse for you and believe it or not it came in.’

‘It did?’ the girl said. ‘Oh, you went to San Francisco? I guess I remember you saying so.’

‘I bet better if I do it for other people. I don’t know if I told you, but I work at the VA hospital. I won a guy there a hundred bucks.’

‘Really?’ the girl said.

‘He’s just a kid. He lost both his legs. So when I saw the horses Shorty and Annie’s Arab, I bet an exacta and they both came in. I about died. He’ll probably have a heart attack when I tell him. Me, personally, I lost $134. But that guy did good and you did good.’

‘Oh, you should keep the money you bet for me.’

‘I bet on a horse named Blue Eyes. Like your eyes. It was a favorite, but I bet him anyway. It only won five dollars so I bought you a present instead of giving you the lousy five.’ He reached into a paper sack and took out a snow globe.

She looked at it. She didn’t want to take a gift from him. She didn’t know him and wasn’t sure what he meant by giving it, but when he handed it to her she took it. The dome said ‘San Francisco’ on the bottom, and inside it, in the water, was the Golden Gate Bridge, and on the back a picture of the city skyline. She shook it and watched as the fake snow fell on the bridge and down on the plastic sea.

‘Thank you,’ she said and put it in her apron.

‘It’s not much,’ he said.

‘I’ll go place your order then.’ She turned away and went into the back and put the dome in her purse. She delivered three different orders before his order came up and she went back to his table.

‘Do you have a hard time working all night?’ he said as she set down the plate in front of him.

‘I don’t sleep very well, so no, I guess not.’

‘Why don’t you sleep?’

‘I don’t know, probably a lot of reasons,’ she said uneasily.

‘I don’t mean to make you nervous,’ he said.

‘Everything makes me nervous,’ she said.

‘I’m sorry,’ he said gently.

‘I’m gonna pay for your breakfast. For the dome. Then we’ll be even. I’ll feel better about all this if you let me.’

‘You never owed me anything, it was a gift,’ he said.

‘Still,’ she said and then turned away.

Chapter 27
Her Sister

It was the middle of the day and she was in bed asleep when the phone rang. Her sister was crying, but the connection was full of static and the line went dead within a minute.

She laid in bed and waited for the phone to ring again, but it didn’t. Eventually she called her mother, but her mother hadn’t heard from Evelyn in weeks and didn’t even have a number to reach her at. So she sat and waited, and while she did, her mind drifted back to Las Vegas and her sister and the high school.

She was twenty and working as a waitress at the Horseshoe when she got a call from the nurse at the high school her sister attended. Evelyn had passed out during history, fainted, for the second time in three weeks. The nurse told the girl to pick up her sister in the nurse’s office as soon as she could.

When the lunch crowd finished her boss let her go and she drove to the high school in her mom’s car and walked through the familiar halls in her waitress uniform.

The nurse’s office was a small room in the corner of the building. As she entered, the nurse, a thin woman with blonde hair, looked up from her desk and smiled.

‘You look just like her. You’re Evelyn’s sister, right? Allison?’

‘Is she okay?’

‘She’s fine. I just think her blood sugar level was a little low. I gave her some juice and a couple of cookies.’

The woman stood and motioned for Allison to follow her. They walked back to a room and the nurse knocked on the door and entered.

‘Evelyn? Are you up?’

‘I am,’ Evelyn said as she laid on a cot in the corner of the room. She smiled when she saw her sister standing behind the nurse.

‘Did she come to break me out?’

‘I think she did,’ the nurse said.

‘Are you okay?’

‘I’m fine, Allie. I don’t know what happened. I forgot to eat, I guess. I spent the night at Julie’s and she doesn’t eat breakfast. I guess we didn’t eat dinner either.’

‘You have to eat,’ the nurse said.

‘I know I should,’ Evelyn said and smiled.

‘We’ll get something as soon as we leave,’ Allison said.

Her sister sat up, put on her shoes, and stood. The nurse went back to her desk and Allison signed the release and the sisters left.

They drove to a Chinese restaurant, took the food to go, and drove to a movie theater. They put the food in Evelyn’s book bag and bought tickets for a three-thirty matinee and sat in the back of the empty theater, eating, and waiting for the show to begin.

‘The food’s good this time. It’s crazy to think that old man still works there. He’s been there since we were kids.’

‘He’s a nice old guy.’

‘I still can’t believe I fainted. Now everyone’s gonna think I’m a drug addict.’

‘Did you really just forget to eat?’

‘I swear. I love to eat. I don’t care if I get fat. I just forgot.’

‘I hate that school,’ Allison said.

‘Sorry I made you come.’

‘It’s better than calling mom. Plus I got off early and we get to see a movie. I never go to the movies anymore. No one I know likes them.’

‘I like them,’ Evelyn said.

‘That’s why we’re here.’

‘I hate school.’

‘I almost puked every morning I had to go,’ Allison said.

‘I just stay with Julie and her friends. But the whole thing is pretty stupid.’

‘Don’t drop out. I should have stayed in, it was a mistake to leave. All I did was get a job. I’ve never traveled or done anything else. I thought I’d do more, but I haven’t done anything.’

‘I wish we lived someplace else. A place where we could open a store or a coffee shop.’

‘I wouldn’t mind working in a library or some place like that. Where every one is quiet. I could wear nice clothes, and you wouldn’t have to talk to anyone. Just file and get new books and magazines and put them in order. It’s always cool in the summer and warm in the winter.’

‘Sounds boring to me,’ Evelyn said.

‘It wouldn’t be. People like librarians. No one ever yells there. People are just trying to check out books. Especially if you went to a nice library, a big one.’

‘I’d rather run a coffee shop,’ her sister said. ‘You can’t play music in a library, you can hardly talk to anyone. They get pissed if you do.’

‘That’s what I like about it.’

‘Well then, why did you quit school if you wanted to be a librarian?’

‘It wasn’t one thing really,’ she said and thought on it. ‘I guess just being around so many people my age was enough to make me want to quit. And then everyone was always talking about going to college or going to parties. I could hardly even walk down the halls in between classes. And I didn’t go to the assemblies ’cause I’d get so worried that they would somehow get my name and make me get up in front of everyone. I remember at this one assembly they called six random kids to come down to the front of the gym. It was a game. They blindfolded them and then they had to try and find different things around the gym. Everyone was laughing. It was supposed to be fun. One of the kids they called was sitting right next to me. Jesus, I never went to another one after that. And then there was Spanish class where they make you talk out loud. And in English I had to get up in front of everyone and recite a passage from Shakespeare. A hundred lines. On top of that I only had a couple friends. One of them moved and the other got a boyfriend. And I was always embarrassed about the way I looked. Then after all that I started algebra and the teacher made us get up in front of everyone and do problems and that was one class where I didn’t know anything. It was horrible. He would make me go over and over the mistakes I made, but I was so nervous I couldn’t listen to what he was saying. So one day I just didn’t get out of bed. Mom was staying with Gary then. She didn’t notice for a while and by the time she did I’d made up my mind.’