B006DTZ3FY EBOK (18 page)

Cynthia
nodded miserably.
“I
suppose I do. But it doesn
’
t matter.
”

“I
t
’
s the only thing that
does
matter. And if you think differently,
”
he added dryly,
“I
doubt that you can explain it to me in fifteen minutes.
”

“I
must try.
”
She took a deep breath.
“D
erek, pray listen to me. And try not to argue with me, or I
’
ll get muddled.
”

His expression was grim.
“V
ery well. Fire away.
”

“I’
m afraid I must confide som
e things about my family that I
... that I hope you will keep private.
”

“Y
ou have my word.
”

“T
hank you.
”
She took another breath to steady her nerves and pressed her palms together, thinking. There was no easy way to say what must be said. The words that would convey the information quickly were, alas, blunt. She steeled herself, and began.

“M
y father is,
in many ways, a wonderful man
,
”
she said quietly.
“B
ut he is greatly addicted to sport. Racing in particular. And
—
and he is, perhaps, overfond of drink.
”
She could feel herself blushing. She dropped her eyes.
“I
t is an unfortunate combination of traits.
”

“Y
es, I can see that it would be,
”
said Derek. Compassion sounded in his voice, but she sensed the wariness in him, too. She did not blame him. If she meant to bid him farewell, he was under no obligation to make it easy for her.
“I
t
’
s a common enough problem, one hears. Is he badly dipped?
”

“D
ipped? You mean
—
have his losses been heavy? Yes, I think so. It
’
s not the sort of thing one discloses to one
’
s children, so I haven
’
t been told in so many words. I don
’
t know the extent of it. But I definitely have the impress
ion that our straits are rather
... dire. And have been, for some years.
”

“T
here is no need to tell me the entire story. I can save you a little time.
”
His voice roughened.
“W
hen you rejected me in London, I made a few inquiries, trying to understand what had happened. To make sense of what you had done. I learned enough to be sure of one thing: your family
’
s ardent desire is to auction you off in the marriage mart, and the sooner the better. You are, as I suppose you know, a valuable commodity.
”

Cynthia
flinched, and Derek
’
s voice gentled.
“W
hat is less clear to me, my love, is why you consent to be used in this fashion. Why should you sacrifice yourself to line their pockets?
”

The endearment sent her emotions spinning.
I must not cry,
she reminded herself desperately.
No matter what he calls me.
“I
t
’
s not so hard to fathom, surely,
”
she said, but she was unable to keep her voice from quavering.
“’
Tis the way of the world. It has been ever so. Daughters are given in marriage to advance the fortunes of their families.
”

She saw anger spark in his eyes and held up her hand, palm out, in a gesture beseeching silence.
“Y
ou did agree to hear me out, and not to argue with me.
”

He clamped his mouth shut with a visible effort.
“I
did,
”
he said through his teeth.
“Carr
y on.
”

“I
can easily imagine what you thought of me,
”
said
Cynthia
softly. Her throat tightened again at the memory. It was painful to recall the stunned expression on Derek
’
s face that night at the ball
... even more painful, to her, than the anger and bitterness he had shown when encountering her again. She could understand his bitterness against her; her conduct had been despicable. But she must have hurt him deeply, for him to still be that angry with her after so much time had passed. She hadn
’
t meant to hurt him that deeply.

She closed her eyes for a moment, trying to hide the pain and shame she felt.
“I
am so sorry,
”
she whispered.
“I’
m sorry for my coldness to you, but I am more sorry for
—
for the other.
”
She opened her eyes again, forcing herself to meet his gaze.
“I
t was wrong of me to encourage you.
”

“H
ang it all, don
’
t apologize for that!
”
He gave a strangled sort of laugh.
“I
liked that part.
”

She knew he was trying to make her smile, but she could not.
“N
o. It was a mistake. I should h
ave known better. I should have
... resisted the temptation.
”

He studied her face, trouble in his eyes.
“Y
ou
’
re serious.
”

“Y
es.
”

“W
ell.
”
He took a breath and blew it out, seeming perplexed.
“H
aving done so in the first place
—
encouraged me, I mean
—
I do wish you had gone on as you began. Why drop me a hint to come to that wretched ball, for example, if all you meant to do was humiliate me?
”

Cynthia
winced.
“I
t must have seemed very odd.
”

“T
hat
’
s not the word I would have used. But
‘
odd
’
will do.
”

She looked down, staring at Derek
’
s knee rather than his face. It was a singularly attractive knee; large and well-shaped. She looked back at her own lap instead.
“I
didn
’
t mean
to blow hot and cold. I wanted
... well, you must know what I wanted.
”

“I
t would still be pleasant to hear it from you.
”

She smiled faintly.
“I
wanted to dance with you.
”

“I
s that all? Never mind. I shan
’
t press my luck.
”
The warmth in his voice would be her undoing. She dared not look up. He said softly,
“W
hat changed your mind?
”

“I
had to change it. That day in the park,
”
she said hesitantly,
“I
was with the Hendersons. You remember that.
”

“Y
es.
”

She glanced fleetingly at his face, then away again.
“M
r. Henderson did not recognize you at first. It was only after we rode on that he remembered where he had seen you las
t, and who you were. He told me... he told his wife and me
... that you were Lord Stokesdown
’
s secretary. At first he was a little offended that you had dared to approach him. And then he seemed to think it an excellent joke. Laughed at your audacity, and tried to tease me, you know, by vowing it was my beauty that had lured you to overstep your bounds. That I had drawn you to the carriage and so forth. He didn
’
t mean anything by it. He didn
’
t really guess that we had met before. It was all in jest. But
—”
She could feel herself blushing, but she forced herself to meet Derek
’
s eyes.
“D
erek, pray understand.
”
Her voice broke.
“I
w
as so frightened when I learned... when I realized
...
”
Her voice trailed off.

There was really no decent way to tell him. Why had she not foreseen this? Any set of words she chose would still convey the insult. And an insult, she saw now, it clearly was.

But he
finished the sentence for her, in a deadly quiet voice.
“Y
ou realized that I was poor.
”

She pressed her palms to her flaming cheeks.
“O
h, how vile it sounds.
”

“T
ruth is often ugly.
”
He looked angry, but she knew it was injured pride that he felt.
“H
ow poor did you think I was,
Cynthia
? Too poor to support a wife? Did you take me for the sort of rogue who casts out lures to respectable females, with never a thought of marriage?
”

“N
o, no, I never thought that!
”

“A
t any rate, you have certainly explained the abrupt change in your behavior.
”
Disgust turned down the corners of his mouth.
“B
y the time I saw you at the ball, you had discovered that I was not the wealthy man you thought me. And you treated me accordingly.
”

“I
had to do it, Derek. Don
’
t you see?
”
She laid her hand on his sleeve and lifted pleading eyes to his.
“C
an
’
t you understand? I was trying to be
kind
.
”

“K
ind?
”
He recoiled from her.
“I
s that your notion of kindness?
”

“Y
es.
”
The hand she had laid on his sleeve was trembling.
“I
knew I could not allow you to pursue me. I thought it would be easier for you, then, if I made you hate me.
”
Her eyes filled with the tears she could no longer suppress.
“I
t worked, did it not? Derek, pray tell
me that it helped you. Tell me
... tell me my suffering was not in vain.
”
Her breath caught on a sob.
“Y
ou don
’
t know what it cost me to humiliate you.
”

He looked dumbfounded. She took a deep and struggling breath, fighting back her tears, furious with herself for betraying such weakness. She lifted her hands to her face and dashed the shameful tears away.
“I’
m sorry,
”
she said, gulping.
“I
promised myself I wouldn
’
t cry.
”
Her fists clenched in her lap.
“I
never manage to keep my promises to myself, where you are concerned.
”

He immediately reached to take her in his arms.
Cynthia
shrank back, pressing her hands against his chest to keep him at bay.
“N
o!
”
she said in a strangled voice.
“D
on
’
t be kind to me. And whatever you do, don
’
t touch me.
”
She found she was laughing and crying at once.
“Y
ou will only make matters worse.
”

Silently, he pulled out his handkerchief and handed it to her.
“T
hank you,
”
she said, trying for a little dignity. She mopped up her tears and took several deep breaths.
“I
have now wasted two precious minutes.
”