Baby My Baby (A Ranching Family) (14 page)

It made his heart hurt for her.

But it also made him wonder if there really was any hope of scratching the surface and finding her feelings for him ready to be rekindled.

Because now he knew just how tough that surface had had to be.

And yet, as he finally forced himself to go the rest of the way down those stairs, he knew he had to give it a try.

W
hite candles wreathed in tiny baby’s breath flowers and tied with satin ribbons provided the only light in Elk Creek’s church the next evening. The flames cast an elegant, intimate glow within the high-ceilinged chapel. There were so many white roses and additional baby’s breath all around the altar that when Beth let her vision blur, the candlelight might have been glittering on pristine snow.

But she didn’t let her eyes blur for long as she sat in the first row. She needed to see clearly to be on the lookout.

The church was nearly full by the time she took her seat, and she hoped that anyone who noticed her frequent glances over her shoulder would think she was checking out the guests or watching for the bride.

But she’d been with Kansas most of the afternoon, had helped her dress and left her only moments before to have her picture taken.

No, much to her own dismay, she was looking for her former husband.

Most of the small town’s residents had been invited, and with each look up the aisle, Beth saw more faces she knew—some she’d become reacquainted with since she’d been back, others she recognized from when she’d lived here as a girl.

Everyone who caught her eye smiled or waved a little and she returned them all, but among the crowd she didn’t see Ash, and she felt conspicuously alone—the only person on the whole front bench while all the rest of the pews were close packed.

Even across the aisle, Kansas’s brother-in-law was being kept company by his parents and sister so he wouldn’t be by himself, even though Della was the matron of honor and all four of their kids were in the wedding.

Not that Beth knew for sure that Ash would sit with her.

But still...

Then, on what seemed like her hundredth glance back, she saw him.

He was dressed impeccably. He wore a dove gray suit, white shirt and a mauve silk tie she’d bought him for his last birthday. He looked wonderful, but no matter how often Beth saw him dressed like that, she never failed to think there was something about him in the more formal attire that seemed slightly incongruous.

It was his hair, she knew. Even though it was neatly pulled back into a tight ponytail at his nape, the jeans and T-shirts he’d been wearing lately seemed more in keeping with those renegade locks.

Still, to her, he was the best-looking man in the place, and her heartbeat kicked up a notch at the same moment the baby just plain kicked, as if it were glad its father was coming to be with them.

And he
was
coming to be with them.

Shunning the usher’s aid, he’d scanned the church until he spotted her and then started down the aisle. He didn’t seem to notice the heads he turned as he did; instead, his gaze was trained on Beth as if he were hungry for the sight.

And though it shouldn’t have, it pleased her very much.

“I wasn’t sure you were going to make it,” she said in a hushed voice as he stepped in front of her to sit down, leaving her closest to the aisle.

“I worked until the last minute so I could get that roof finished,” he explained, bending near and inadvertently giving her a whiff of his clean-smelling after-shave.

Then his dark gaze studied her, starting with her hair, in its usual side-parted, curly, bob style. His eyes slipped over her face to her dress—a black sand-washed silk that fell loosely to her hips, where it was cinched to form a slight bubble over the figure-skimming skirt that reached to just above her knees.

“You look terrific,” he said when he was finished taking it all in.

“Thanks. So do you,” she answered before even realizing she was going to return the compliment.

Music began to play from the choir loft just then, and Linc and Jackson stepped from a side door to position themselves as a procession of two flower girls—Della’s daughters—and three tiny ring bearers—Danny, and Della’s two sons—started things off.

Everyone in the church stood to watch them coming, all five children very serious about what they were doing, but still wandering a little if they saw someone they knew along the sides.

Next came Della, dressed in yellow and looking slightly teary-eyed already, but working at keeping a smile on her face.

And then the opening bars of the wedding march heralded Kansas.

Her hair was sprigged with flowers and she looked beautiful in the gown Beth had made. The bodice conformed to her body from the narrow waist all the way up the high collar and down her arms to her elbows. The satin skirt was floor-length and ended in a slight train in back, all of it edged in the lace that had been Ash’s contribution.

Beth was proud of both her creations, and for once it seemed that the feminine hobby she’d initiated to spite her father so long ago had been worth the battles Shag had waged over her squandering her time sewing.

Linc had stepped to the corner of Beth’s pew, eager to meet his bride. When Kansas reached him, she gave him her hand, and he took her up the flower-lined steps to where the minister waited for them.

It wasn’t anything at all like Beth and Ash’s wedding, but somehow Beth couldn’t help thinking about their own ceremony as everyone sat down again and the service began.

Shag had been opposed to her marrying an Indian, as well as being appalled that she and Ash had known each other only a matter of weeks. He’d refused to even attend their wedding, so they’d decided to have a private ceremony with only Ash’s grandfather, her brothers and a very few friends in attendance.

They’d held it in the backyard of Ash’s house on the reservation, and while everyone had been dressed in church clothes, there hadn’t been a fancy wedding gown or tuxedos. Beyond the bouquet she’d carried, the only flowers had been in the garden, which didn’t really come to life until after she’d married him and spent some time on it.

Still, she’d been so in love with Ash that the trappings hadn’t mattered. And as she sat there now, seeing her brother’s feelings for Kansas in every line of his face, her clearest memory was of Ash looking at
her
that way, once upon a time, too.

How did they come from that to this? she wondered.

And though she was happy for her brother and Kansas, the sadness that washed through her with the thought was almost unbearable.

* * *

“This shindig isn’t easy on you, is it?” Jackson asked when he’d insisted Beth share the first dance with him some time later.

The reception was in the church basement. There were food and drinks galore, a live band, and once everyone had made their way through the receiving line, the party began in earnest.

“It’s a nice wedding. Beautiful,” she answered, maintaining the smile she’d pasted on her face as soon as the ceremony ended.

But Jackson studied her in his quiet way, and she had the sense that while she may have fooled everyone else, she wasn’t fooling him.

“Seems to me a wedding can’t be high on the list of things a person would want to do right after gettin’ divorced.”

She knew he was itching to add something about it being especially distasteful when the person was pregnant with her ex-husband’s baby. She appreciated his restraint. Still and all, she could see her brother was worried about her, and so she was honest with him. “I’m trying to think of it as any old party.”

“How’re you doin’?”

“Not good,” she admitted under her breath.

“We could say you weren’t feelin’ well or were tired out and I’d drive you home.”

For the first time that evening her smile was genuine. Beneath Jackson’s gruff, no-nonsense exterior was an observant, sensitive man, and the concern in his offer was very sweet. Beth even considered taking him up on it.

But as he led her around the dance floor, she caught a glimpse of Ash sitting patiently at their table, and she knew a lie about being tired or sick would worry him unnecessarily.

Besides, as difficult as it was for her to be here, there was another part of her that didn’t want to end the evening before she’d really gotten to spend any time with Ash.

“That’s okay,” she told Jackson. “I’ll be fine.”

Her brother followed her gaze all the way to her former husband and then looked down at her again. “Can’t say I understand this.”

Beth started to explain about a lie upsetting everyone, but Jackson stopped her. “I mean, I don’t understand what the hell’s going on between you and Ash. You’re havin’ a baby together, he’s hankerin’ after you and you’re hankerin’ after him—unless I miss my guess—but you just keep at this divorce thing.”

The way he put that made her laugh. “Divorce isn’t something you
keep at,
like training a stubborn quarter horse.”

“Yours has that feel to me. And it just doesn’t seem right when neither of you is happy about it. Ever think that maybe this divorce just didn’t work out?”

Beth laughed again but had to admit to herself that her brother wasn’t too far off the mark—so far, her divorce didn’t seem like a great success. Not when she was still so attracted to Ash, not when she couldn’t stop thinking about him, not when she craved being with him and had to fight her feelings with forced reminders that she wasn’t supposed to be experiencing any of that anymore.

“I’m also thinkin’ that you still have a tender spot for him,” Jackson said as if he’d read her thoughts and found something she’d left out.

“That’s what you think is it?” she asked without committing herself to anything.

But whether or not she admitted it, he’d hit close to home, and denying it didn’t make it go away. Or apparently hide it either, if Jackson had seen it.

A tender spot...

Yes, she definitely had a tender spot for Ash.

What she wasn’t sure of was if it was more than that.

Or how much more.

Or if she could deal with it.

“He’s a good man, you know,” Jackson said, just in case she might have overlooked it.

Beth glanced up at her brother from the corner of her eye. “That’s a switch. You’re the one who hit him in the jaw that first night,” she reminded him.

“Only because I thought he wasn’t intendin’ to stand up to his responsibilities. But he is. I think he’d do right by you if you’d just let him.”

“Are the two of you in cahoots or something?” she teased.

“Now don’t get me wrong,” he said, ignoring her joke. “You know that house is as much yours as it is mine, and I’m happy to have you and the baby with me. Hell, it can get damn lonely there all by myself sometimes. And I don’t mind at all bein’ as much of a daddy to this child as you want me to be. It’s just that you don’t seem happy with the way things are, Beth, and I’m wonderin’ if you should rethink it.”

As if she’d been thinking of anything
but
Ash and this situation lately.

But to rethink the divorce itself? That seemed downright crazy.

“There were good reasons for Ash and me to split up. It doesn’t need to be reconsidered,” she finally assured her brother.

But as the song ended both their dance and their conversation, she didn’t feel as certain as she sounded.

In fact, the longer she was divorced from Ash, the more uncertain she felt. And confused.

And unhappy...

But as her brother led her back to their table, she held all those thoughts and feelings at bay.

After all, it could be the wedding had just gone to her head.

And then, too, there were those hormones....

* * *

The reception lasted well into the night, and even when all the guests had gone and all the gifts had been loaded into Jackson’s truck, Beth still didn’t feel as if she’d seen much of Ash.

They’d sat at the same table and danced twice, but the wedding was the first social occasion she’d attended since she’d come home to Elk Creek. And that meant that all the people she hadn’t seen yet used the opportunity to say hello. To catch up. And—in not just a few instances—ask questions to satisfy their curiosity about the rumors around town that she was expecting.

She’d talked to more people than she could remember, but she and Ash could never manage even a few sentences before someone else interrupted.

So she didn’t mind that there wasn’t really room for her to ride home with Jackson, what with Danny stretched out sound asleep across the truck seat and gifts spilling over into the cab. Instead she and Ash said good-night to him, and to Della and her family, and stayed to close up the church basement by themselves.

“Who cleans this place?” Ash asked as they checked to make sure no one had left anything behind.

“The ladies’ auxiliary will do it in the morning.”

“Good. I was afraid you’d signed up for it.”

Neither of them had found anything significant amidst the general debris that littered the hall, so they locked the delivery entrance, made their way to the front and turned off the lights that were controlled by a main panel near the door.

“Nice wedding,” Ash commented as they stepped out into the cool summer night.

“Mmm,” she agreed as she locked up behind them and then hid the key in a small box that gripped the doorjamb magnetically, out of sight of any but those who knew it was there.

“Did you enjoy yourself?” Ash asked.

“Sure. Did you?”

He didn’t answer right away. His car was back at the lodge and they began walking in that direction before he said, “I did a lot of thinking during it.”

“I wonder if anyone who’s divorced sits through a wedding without thinking about the hopes and dreams they had when they stood in front of a minister themselves. And how they didn’t pan out.”

Ash had long since taken off his jacket and tie, rolled his sleeves to the elbows and unfastened his collar button. He carried the suit coat slung over his shoulder. When she glanced up at him, curious about his silence, she found him staring beyond the tops of the buildings they walked past, at the sky.

Finally, in a deep, quiet voice, he said, “It occurred to me as I sat there that our backgrounds weren’t the only thing we didn’t talk much about.”

“I suppose that’s true enough,” she agreed airily, hoping to lighten what sounded like a serious subject he was launching.

“And the biggest thing we didn’t delve into was why you wanted out of the marriage.”