Back To Me (16 page)

              “Oh, God!” Billy cried, squishing me further into his body. “Angel, I am so sorry! I never meant for
any
of this to happen. I never meant for you to go through so much on your own!”

              I ran my hands through his hair, comforting and soothing him as much as I could. The cold hard truth was, nothing but time would make this better. Six years after the fact, I still struggled with it myself. I couldn’t and didn’t expect him to be okay with it for a long time to come; for as long as he needed.

              “You didn’t know, Billy. I didn’t want you to. I didn’t want you to think less of me. I only wanted you to get better so I could take care of you. I was so worried that I couldn’t take care of our child by myself and still be there for you, too. I was so broken.”

              We stood in the driveway, clinging to one another. It seemed like hours, but I’d have been content to stay there forever. Billy’s arms; the only place I
ever
wanted to be. He finally sat me down on the ground, never releasing my hand.

              “You’re staying with me. Here. In my room. In my bed.”

              “Okay.” I didn’t argue and he certainly didn’t have to twist my arm.

18

Billy

              A
baby?
That was her secret!? Never in a million years would that have been my guess. We’d never even talked about kids, though I’d planned on it
someday,
when my job was over and the danger was gone. Years ago I knew I’d put a ring on her finger, but none of that had been on our radar
at the time
.

              How was it possible to miss something I never even had? Was it possible to grieve over child I knew nothing about until a few seconds ago? A baby that I hadn’t even known I wanted. Yes, it was possible and it was
real
, and my soul ached worse than ever before. I’d always hated myself because of the things I’d done and who I’d become. I didn’t think it was possible to feel any lower, but boy was I wrong. I
loathed
myself.

              When she ran to her room, I knew exactly what she was doing. I saw the look in her eyes when I pushed her away. There was no way in hell I was letting her leave. She was gonna have to go through me!
              My words cut her, but they weren’t meant to. It was just easier to go back to being an asshole than to point the blame where it truly belonged.
On me
. I had done this. I had put her through such turmoil and distress;
that’s
what caused the miscarriage, and no one could tell me otherwise. I lashed out at her. I hurt her…
again
.

              I deserved the stinging slap she delivered and a helluva lot more. I deserved for her to leave me after the way I’d acted. But I had to give it one last try. I had to pull the last ace from my sleeve if I had any hope of seeing her again. Chances were if I let her walk now, it’d be the last time I’d ever lay eyes on her.

              I went ballistic. I went nuts. I cried. Wailed. Sobbed and screamed. I did everything but hit my knees and curse God above, though I wanted to.
Oh, how I wanted to
. Maybe this purgatory was my punishment. My penance for the lives I’d taken; the people I’d duped and wronged. Whatever the reason, I couldn’t let what happened six years ago dictate what I knew could be great now.

              When Heather came charging towards me, knocking into me so hard that it took my breath, I was so grateful. She could have just as easily run the other way, but she saw how much I was hurting and she wanted to take away the pain. It was nothing short of miraculous. My angel hadn’t changed after all. I held her tight, like she was the only thing keeping me alive. Truth? She probably was. If I didn’t have her, this life wouldn’t be worth living.

              I knew there was still a lot to talk about, but that could wait ‘til another day. I wanted nothing more than to take her in my arms and spend the night curled up beside her. That’s exactly what I planned to do.

              I grabbed her bags from the ground and took her hand in mine. It fit perfectly; one not whole without the other. Neither of us said a word. Our tears were enough. Leading her to my room, I shut the door behind us. There was no one here except us, but it was a habit that after all these years I hadn’t managed to break.

              I flipped the bedside light on and undressed. She eyed me cautiously, but I never wavered. Now that I stood in only a pair of boxers, I sauntered to where she waited, still fully clothed. Without a peep, I undid the buttons on her shirt until I reached the bottom. She shuttered and forced her breaths past her lips. I slowly and torturously slipped the shirt from her shoulders, letting it fall to the ground. The next to go were her jeans. Undoing the button and sliding them down to below her hips, I bent down, removing them the rest of the way.

              I studied her. I drank her in like a fine wine. Even my fondest memories, or my wildest dreams couldn’t compare with what was standing before me now.
Perfection.
She didn’t try to hide. She didn’t cover herself, or turn away. The vulnerability and beauty of it all was a thousand times more intimate than if we’d been in bed together. We were both exposed. No more secrets and no more hiding. There was no longer anything between us, and it was liberating. I hadn’t felt this free in a long, long,
long
time.

              “Lay with me,” I ordered.

              Heather nodded her head and took my hand. Together we laid on the bed; both on our side and facing one another. I stared at her beautiful, tear-streaked face. I studied her, burning to memory all the wonderful attributes that I’d forgotten over the years. We stayed like that for hours, until both of our eyelids slowly closed.

              It was the following day before we woke. I guess emotions really can drain a person.

              “Hey,” she whispered, sleepily.

              “Hey yourself. How are you feeling?”

              “Honestly? I feel better.” She quietly studied me, gauging how I would react.

              “I’m glad,” I responded, brushing her hair away from her face. “Me, too. I mean it’s hard, you know? We never talked about kids. I can’t believe the loss I feel over something I didn’t know even existed.” I was growing frustrated; afraid I wasn’t explaining myself clearly.

              “I understand. I was so scared when I found out I was pregnant. I was afraid you wouldn’t be happy about it. But the more time I had to get used to it, the more excited I became. When my world turned upside down, when you got hurt and I lost our child, it felt like everything I had to live for was gone.”

              “I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you,” I muttered. And I was. No one should have to bear a loss like that alone.

              “Can you forgive me?” I asked, hopeful.

              “There’s nothing to forgive. You couldn’t help what happened to you. Can you forgive
me
?”

              “Nothing to forgive, angel. These things just happen. How about we start fresh?”

              She gave me a dazzling smile. “I would love that.”

              I sat up and clapped my hands together once. “Okay, then let’s start today! I know just what we’re going to do!”

              “O-kaayyy.” Heather looked at me like I was crazy.

              “We’re going to a birthday party. Sam’s turning four today, and we’ve been invited.” I was beaming, excited to be with my friends, Sam, and most importantly, Heather.

              My smile turned to a frown when I looked her way. “What’s wrong?”

              “Well,” she explained, “I was being nosy and I overheard you say that you should’ve listened to Lauren. That you shouldn’t have come after me.” Heather stared blankly at her hands, which she was wringing together profusely.

              “Angel, I was just mad. They knew I was bringing you home and they told me to invite you to the party. They’ll love meeting you.”
Home? Yes, home. That sounded about right.

             
“If you’re sure, Billy. I don’t want to impose.”

              I took her face and lifted it gently. “I’m sure. They’re my best friends and I would love for you to meet them. I want them to meet you.”

              She nodded her head. “Okay, so do we need to go shopping? For a present, I mean.”

              “Indeed we do. Let’s get dressed!”

              “Mind if I take a quick shower first?”

              “Not at all,” I responded. I was just about to propose we shower together, but I didn’t want to ruin what was going so well.

              Heather had left me to the quiet of my room while she went to get ready. It felt empty without her and that confirmed just how badly I wanted this. I had been alone for years and I had been okay with that, but having her here with me now?
It felt good
. It made
me
good, and I wasn’t about to let that feeling go.

              I stood and stretched with renewed energy and a positive outlook. Maybe,
hopefully
, this would all work out. Maybe Raul would give up and move on, and Heather and I could live out our days here, happy and in-love. I knew it was only wishful thinking; Raul didn’t just
go away
. There was no reasoning with a drug addict, especially a wealthy drug addict who had thousands of people in his back pocket, foaming at the mouth to do his dirty work. But I had to hang onto the hope that Heather and I would make it through, together and unscathed. I just had to. We had gone through too much and come too far to lose now. 

              I sighed, letting go of the gloomy thoughts. Today was about showing Heather off, and of course about Sam. I was excited to see her, as it had been months, and I knew she’d be surprised to see me. They all would be.

              I showered and shaved, and did all the other grooming necessities to be presentable. I dressed, made up the bed, picked up a little and waited for my angel. I had forgotten how long it took for a woman to get ready and how much I hated waiting, but she was worth it. She was worth
everything
.

              I was sitting on the couch, thumbing through a magazine when I heard her clear her throat. I turned suddenly, and the very sight of her rendered me speechless. I’d never seen her, or
anyone
, look so beautiful.

              “Is this alright?” she asked. Her fingers played with the soft fabric around her hips, nervously.

              I jumped up, anxious to be near her. “Angel, you look gorgeous!” I took her hand in mine and twirled her so I could get a full view.

              She wore an ankle length, green strapless dress that fell flawlessly around her. It was amazing, but not too much. Her hair was pulled to the side in some kind of a hairstyle all the celebrities wear, but I had no idea what it was called. All I knew was she looked beautiful. Fashion really wasn’t my thing, but even I recognized a knock-out when I saw one, and Heather was definitely that.

              “Are you sure. I can run and change….”

              “Angel, don’t change. I’m serious, you look beautiful.” My palms were sweating and my tongue felt thick, and I was as nervous as a pubescent boy. I hated the feeling and loved it all at the same time.

              I kissed Heather on the tip of her nose. “Are you ready to go?”

              “As ready as I’ll ever be.” She took a deep breath and tightened her grip around mine. “Please don’t leave me at the party. Just…stay with me.”

              “Of course, angel. I won’t leave you, I promise.” Little did she know I meant that in all facets of life. I wasn’t leaving her. Not ever again and she wasn’t leaving me.

              She followed alongside me on the way to the truck. I opened the door for her, gracefully lifting her in my arms and setting her up in the cab. She’d had a little difficulty getting into the truck before and I didn’t want her to get all tangled up in that long dress. 

              “Thank you, sir,” she grinned.

              “You’re welcome, ma’am,” I tipped my hat to her jokingly.

              I climbed in next to her and fired it up. “Don’t worry,” I implored, “I’m telling you, they will love you. You have nothing to be afraid of.”

              “I trust you.”

              Those three words broke every block of ice around my heart, setting it free.
She trusted me
.
She believed in me
. And she loved me, I knew she did. It was the same love we shared before, perhaps even stronger now that we’d opened up about our pain and struggles. Her feelings for me were clear and there was no denying it, I was a better man because of her.

19

Heather

              Billy undressed while I watched, salivating so much that I thought I would choke. He was just as chiseled as I’d remembered in my feverish dreams. Every muscle was taut, moving like a well-oiled machine as he removed his clothes, right down to his boxers.

              When he walked towards me, I was unable to utter a sound. There was so much I wanted to say, but in reality the silence spoke volumes. I shivered at his touch; my body automatically reacting just like it had in times past. The years that had distanced us floated away like a mist, and I was right back there with him, the last night we’d been together. He touched me softly and reverently, as if I were a precious vase ready to crack. I felt like I would as he slowly removed my clothing. His eyes never left mine until I was standing in only my bra and matching thong.

              Billy circled me, like a predator stalking its prey, though I didn’t feel threatened. I wasn’t scared. I wasn’t embarrassed and I didn’t feel dirty being ogled so shamelessly. In
this
moment, I’d never felt more beautiful.

              I floated on a cloud, anxious to be in his arms for the second time in two days. We laid facing one another, gazing into each other’s eyes. Words weren’t necessary. Words would have been inadequate and would have ruined the moment. Everything that needed to be said was expressed with a mere look and nothing more. Billy wrapped his arm around me, pulling me closer until we were touching.

              My body tingled in every spot that connected with his and though I longed for more I wouldn’t rush it. He’d just found out that I’d lost a child…
his child
and I wasn’t sure that it had sunk in completely. We still had a long road to travel before we took that next step, but I had no doubt that when the time came I would be ready.

              I was stunned when Billy mentioned going to a birthday party. I was hoping to have a nice, quiet day together at home. It was probably a good idea though. A lot had gone down since I’d been here and it would be nice to take a breather and get our minds on something else.

              I was meticulous about my appearance today; everything from my hair and makeup to the clothes I wore had to be perfect. First impressions are everything and I wanted to make a good one. I rummaged through my clothes, realizing I didn’t have much to choose from. Given that my job at Tommy’s had required
uniforms
, and I use that term loosely, I hadn’t really gone shopping in a long time. There was no one to care how I looked and I never dressed for anything other any work. I went back and forth on my attire, worried I’d be either underdressed or too over the top, neither of which I wanted. I tried on jeans, but it was too warm. I had shorts, but they didn’t seem right either. When I found my favorite dress, I knew it was perfect. It could either be dressy or not, depending on accessories, and it was comfortable, which was also important. Keeping my makeup minimal was a smart decision, too. I didn’t want to look like a hooker, especially at a four year old’s birthday party. I pulled my hair to the side, securing it in a messy chignon. It would be cooler than leaving it down, especially if the party was outside.

              I was nervous and apprehensive about going, especially when I remembered what Billy had said about Lauren. These people probably hated me for putting their friend in harm’s way and I didn’t expect that they would roll out the red carpet for me. Still, I trusted Billy and this was important to him. It wasn’t lost on me how excited he was when he mentioned her.
Sam.

             
I glanced one final time in the mirror before going to find my prince charming. Billy was sitting on the couch with his back to me, so I cleared my throat to get his attention. When he looked my way, I knew I’d made the right decision. If he was okay with how I was dressed, it didn’t matter what anyone else thought.

              His warm breath grazed my skin as he spun me around, leaving chill bumps in their wake. I once again found it hard to breathe, especially when he looked at me the way he did. It was carnal and lust-filled, but most importantly
it was love
. I would never question again where I stood with him. Even if he never murmured the beautiful words again, I knew he loved me. I was his and he was mine.

              Driving towards town, I tried to take stock of my surroundings. Since it was decided that I was staying, I’d need to know my way around. I didn’t want to bother Billy every time I needed to go to the store or run errands.

              He lived on the outskirts of a relatively small town and outside the city limits was one sprawling field after another, just like pictures I’d seen in a magazine once. The scenery was gorgeous, from the snow-capped mountains to the luscious green moss over the rocky terrain. It truly was breathtaking. Billy beamed with pride when I told him so.

              “I like it here,” he responded, proudly. “It’s home.”

              “It kinda feels like it, doesn’t it?” It was true. It
did
feel like home.

              “Yeah, and even more so now that you’re here.” Billy lifted my hand in his and kissed my palm before placing it on his leg. He then tugged gently on my arm, pulling me closer to him.

              “Who’d have thought?” I joked. “A week ago my life was in shambles and now…. I don’t know, I feel like myself again; like I have my whole life ahead of me. Is that silly?”

              “No, angel. It’s not silly at all. It’s exactly how I feel.” He grinned wide.

              I rested my head on his shoulder, hoping he’d slow down just a bit so that I could savor the moment. Just like always, he read my mind. There was no one behind us and there was no need to rush. Billy slowed considerably until it felt like we were barely crawling and that was just fine by me.

In no time at all we entered the city limits.  We passed a high school, a church, and the post office, and soon we were in the main shopping district. There was a grocery store, a quaint little diner and a beauty salon. Billy parked in front of a rather large store; larger than any others at least. When we entered the door I could see clothing for all ages and a toy section. There was no telling what else one might find in this charming place.  This was a perfect place to buy Sam’s special birthday gift.

              “Well, hello there stranger!” I heard a woman’s voice call out.

              “Hey there, Becca. How are you?” Billy acknowledged.

              “Good. Good. Just picking up a doll house I ordered for Sam. What about you?”

              “I’m doing well. Really good actually. Becca, I’d like you to meet Heather.” Billy pulled me to his side and wrapped his arm around my waist.

              I extended my hand to the woman who stood perfectly poised with a genuine smile on her face. “Hi, I’m Heather. It’s so nice to meet you.”

              The woman looked offended and I worried that I’d said or done something wrong. A few tense seconds passed before she grabbed my hand and yanked me towards her.

              “Oh, sweetie, we don’t shake hands around here. We hug!” She enveloped me sincerely and my apprehension dissolved immediately.

              I let out a giggle. “Good, I like to hug, too,” I admitted.

              She held me at arm’s length and studied me. “I’m Becca. Billy and I go way back to when he was a little tot with my Randy. The boys always needed someone to look out for ‘em and their crazy-ass ways when they were growin’ up. And let me tell you, it was a full-time job!” she laughed.

              Billy was grinning from ear to ear, watching as the banter flowed easily between us.

              “Are you guys comin’ to the party?” Becca inquired.

              “Matter of fact we are. Just picking up a gift for the little princess.”

              Becca’s eyes filled with tears. “Oh, Billy. She’ll be thrilled to see you! Everyone will.”

              I felt like I was missing something, but then I remembered what he’d told me. That he had shut them out and avoided any contact with them. I hoped they wouldn’t hold that against me. It was just as important to me that we could all get along. I didn’t want to put Billy in the situation of having to choose, nor would I would expect him to.

              “Any ideas?” Billy implored Becca. “I have no idea what four year old little girls like.” His cheeks reddened with embarrassment.

              “She’ll love anything you get her, Billy, but all little girls love dolls, sparkly clothes, and stuffed animals. Anything pink and you’ll be good.” Becca patted him on the cheek and turned towards me. “Lookin’ forward to gettin’ to know you, sweetie. See y’all in a bit.”

              She gathered her package and left. Billy was smiling and I chuckled at his expression. He could be so goofy. Almost child-like.
Who was I kidding
? Billy
was
a big kid!

              “C’mon. Let’s see what we can find for Princess Sam.” I led the way and as I did, I let my fingers skim along the dainty fabric of the frilly dresses hanging on the racks. My eyes teared up, wondering for a split second if our baby had been a little girl, but I quickly willed the sadness away. Today was not the day for that. Today was a new beginning of sorts, and one that I wanted to remember as a good one. Besides, I’d pondered that same question for years and there was no answer. Dredging it up only made the ache worse.

              “What about this,” I asked, holding up a ballerina tutu. It was pale pink with a satin ribbon tied at the waist, making a perfect bow. “Do you think she’ll be able to wear it?”

              Billy blew out a breath. “I have no idea. It’s been months since I’ve seen her, and she’s probably grown since then. And, I don’t know anything about sizes for little girls anyway,” he said, perplexed. 

              I pulled it from the hanger and checked the tag. “It’s a 4T which sounds about right.”

              “Okay, we’ll take that.” I handed it to him, chuckling quietly at how ridiculous
and
sexy he looked holding it.

              “Something amusing?” he asked, raising his eyebrow.

              “Nope. Nothing at all,” I mused, continuing my journey to find something perfect to compliment the tutu.

              I went to one side of the quaint store and Billy went to the other. Divide and conquer, I suppose. My eyes landed on a jewelry case and I just had to stop and take a peek. 

              “Can I help you with something?” the lady asked, catching me off guard.

              “Um, no thank you. I was just looking.” My eyes scanned the glass case only once before I scurried away. I needed to stay focused and on task, not looking at rings. We were far from that point!

              “Find something?” Billy’s deep voice startled me, causing me to jump and grab at my chest.

              “No. Nothing,” I lied. I knew I was busted and immediately I began pulling out all the stops to keep him in the dark.

              “Oh, what’s that over there?” I pointed. I gestured to some invisible find across the store, hoping to redirect his attention. It was to no avail.

              “I don’t know,” he answered, “but I’m more interested in what’s over here.”

              Sure enough he moved quickly and lithely to where I’d been standing. He was too fast for me to stop him.

              “Billy, just come on. We’re shopping for Sam, remember?” I pulled on his arm, but it was useless. He wouldn’t budge.

              His eyes searched the case and then me. “See one you like?”

              I huffed and hung my head, trying to hide my flushed cheeks. “Um… it’s not what you think. I just like jewelry and thought I’d take a look.”

              “That wasn’t my question, angel. My question was did you find one that you liked.” He glared at me, waiting for an answer.

              “The one on the top left is pretty,” I murmured.

              “So it is,” he agreed. “What size do you wear anyway?”

              So much for subtleness. “A six I think. C’mon, we gotta shop for Sam and get going. The party will be starting soon.”

              Billy rubbed his hand over his chin thoughtfully. “Okay, just wondering.”

              We found a matching top and leggings to compliment the tutu. Once the sales clerk had it wrapped up and secured with a pretty purple bow, we were on our way.

              Butterflies danced around in my stomach and I’m not sure but what a few didn’t try to escape through my throat.
Nervous
was an understatement. I was borderline petrified. I’d never made friends easily, and especially over the last several years. I’d done everything in my power to keep people away.

              “You’ll be fine,” he said, placing his hand on my leg. “I can see that you’re jittery, but I promise you have nothing to worry about.” He leaned over and kissed my head. Being close to him helped ease my anxiety.

              “If you say so.” I closed my eyes and prayed that he was right.

              Billy leaned slightly forward and turned on the radio. Singing and humming along softly, he just about succeeded in lulling me to sleep once again. At the very least it helped to relax me and I was thankful for that.