Back To Us (18 page)

“I’m not ogling her.” He turned to look at his brother, but didn’t wait for a reply. “You know I’m not, right? I’m just saying she’s pretty, and she’s nice, and she bakes some damn good cookies.”

“Language, mister,” Justin’s mother said.

“I should get going,” I said again.

“Oh, wait.” Mrs. Lambert walked over to the table and came back with the half-eaten plate of cookies I’d brought. “Don’t forget your cookies.”

“They were supposed to be for you.”

“And they were lovely.” Another fake smile. “But we’re trying to watch how much sugar we eat.”

I took the cookies from her and followed Justin into the foyer where my coat was hanging. He helped me into it and the two of us left together.

“Holy crap. I do not think your mother likes me one bit,” I said when we got outside.

“She doesn’t like anyone at first.” Justin reached for my hand. “Once she gets to know you she’ll warm up, I promise.”

I didn’t want to bring up what Jeff had said. I figured Justin wouldn’t enjoy being referred to as someone’s pet, and I wanted to believe that Justin’s opinion of the situation was the right one, not Jeff’s. 

“You know you really don’t have to walk me to the train station. I’ll be fine. It’s Thanksgiving, you should be with your family.”

“It’s dark out. I’m not letting you go home alone.”

“You know I hate it when you tell me you’re not going to let me do something.”

“C’mon. You know I didn’t mean it like that.” Justin stopped walking, I turned to see why. “I don’t want to say goodnight yet.”

“It’s freezing out here, Justin. And we ate a big meal for lunch, so I’m not hungry and I’m not in the mood for a movie.” The truth was I just wanted to go home. Justin’s house was beautiful and warm, but I felt so uncomfortable there. All I wanted to do was take a hot shower and crawl under
my
covers in
my
apartment where I didn’t have to worry about doing or saying the wrong thing.

Justin reached for my hand, the one stuffed into my pocket so it wouldn’t turn into an icicle like the one that was holding the cookies Justin’s mom had given back to me. She hadn’t even tried one. I felt like an idiot for bothering.

“I want to spend the night with you again.”

“Justin, I don’t know.” His suggestion took me by surprise. “I don’t have a change of clothes or a toothbrush or anything.”

“Then we’ll get some things from your apartment first.” He had a pleading look on his face that made it impossible to say no. “Please.” Justin took a step closer and brushed his lips on mine. “I miss holding you and touching you.”

“What about your stuff?”

“I don’t need anything, just you.”

I pressed my lips to Justin’s. “Okay.” I did not know how to say no to him.

We got in a cab that drove us to my apartment. The driver waited while I ran inside to fill an overnight bag with a few things. Justin had him take us back to the same hotel where we’d spent my birthday weekend. In the room, Justin opened a bottle of champagne and poured glasses for both of us. Before I had a chance to finish mine, Justin’s lips found mine. He kissed me hungrily and reached under my shirt. His hands cupped my breasts. He pulled my shirt off, then his. The two of us tumbled onto the bed kissing and undressing each other at the same time.

“Oh God, I missed you so much.” I shivered as Justin’s tongue brushed my nipple. My fingers raked down his back as I pressed my body against his. Justin panted and moaned as he slid into me. Every cell in my body burned with desire until I was totally and completely consumed.

“I wish we could do that every night,” Justin said as we lay beside each other later.

“Who knows?” I grinned, still feeling blissful. “Maybe someday we can.”

Justin didn’t say anything, instead he reached for another glass of champagne.

“Can I ask you something?”

“What is it?”

“Did your mother like your ex?”

Justin furrowed his brow. “Where did that come from?”

“I’m just curious.”

“She liked her. But the circumstances were different. I knew her since we were kids, our parents were friendly with each other, and we went to the same school. . .”

“Right, right. I get it.”

Justin turned on his side to face me. “Can we not talk about my mom or my ex anymore? Please. Those are the last two people I want to think about when I’m with you.”

“Fine.” I got out of bed and headed towards the bathroom. Not because I really had to go, but because I was starting to get upset and didn’t want Justin to see it.

“Is something wrong?” Justin asked.

“No.” I shook my head trying to convince myself that it didn’t matter that Justin’s mom had liked his ex, but that she clearly didn’t like me. She was out of his life and Justin was with me and we loved each other and that would be enough to make everything right. Still, I couldn’t help the doubts that were forming in my mind. “I’ll be right back.”

When I got my head together I went to lie back down next to Justin who was drinking another glass of champagne. I nestled into his arms enjoying the warmth that radiated from his body. He stroked my hair tenderly as I lay beside him.

“Your hair is so soft, it feels like silk,” Justin whispered. I looked up at him, his eyes locked on mine. “I love you so much, Jess,”

I reached out to touch his cheek. “I love you, too.”

We talked for a while and, at some point, I remember Justin turning the TV on. My eyelids began to feel heavy and eventually I drifted off to sleep. I awoke sometime later to the sound of Justin screaming. The TV was still on so it was light enough in the room for me to see him thrashing around in bed.

“Justin. Justin.” I shook him to try and wake him up and all of a sudden he pounced on me pinning me down flat on the bed. “Justin.” I tried prying him off me, but it he felt like he was a thousand pounds.

“Get off,” I yelled and then pushed hard until Justin fell to my side. I turned on the bedside lamp. Justin sat up and looked around the room like he was in a daze.

“What the hell just happened?” I asked, rubbing my arms where Justin had grabbed them.

“A dream,” Justin whispered. His eyes looked glazed, hollow. “I’m sorry. Did I hurt you?”

“No. You just scared me. Are you okay?”

“I didn’t want that to happen around you,” he mumbled so softly I barely heard him.

“Do you get dreams like that a lot?”

“No.” He shook his head. “I usually take medication before I go to sleep, but it’s at home. It keeps me from having dreams. But I didn’t really think about that when I asked you to spend the night with me.”

I crept closer to Justin and wrapped my arms around the middle of his back. “Is it PTSD?”

Justin rested his head on my shoulder. “It’s too much, isn’t it?” he asked.

“What’s too much?”

“Having no legs is bad enough. I can’t ask you to deal with more than that.”

“What are you saying, Justin?”

“That if you want to bail on me I get it. Who in their right mind would want to be with a double amputee with PTSD
and
have to deal with a mother like mine?”

“I don’t want to bail on you, Justin. I love you.”

“It’ll be easier if you walk away now, before I fall even more in love with you than I already am,” Justin whispered, his voice hoarse.

“Please don’t say that to me again or I’m going to feel like it’s what you want.”

“You seemed so unhappy earlier after we left my apartment. I thought if we came back here I could make you forget what an awful time you had at my house.”

“Is that why you were overdoing it on the champagne?”

“You noticed?”

I nodded. “It’s not like you to drink that much.”

“God, I’m so sorry. I was just upset about the way my mom treated you. I kept thinking that you wished you had gone with your brother instead.”

“It wasn’t that bad,” I said. “Let’s just forget about it, okay?

Justin nodded. I lay back down and pulled him down beside me. It was half past three and I was tired. “If I turn off the lights and we try and get some sleep, do you think you’ll be okay?”

“Do you still love me, Jess?”

“Of course I do,” I insisted, surprised that he could think otherwise.

Justin wrapped one of his arms over my shoulder. “Then I’ll be all right.”

I fell asleep faster than I expected to. In the morning when I woke up Justin was already dressed. 

“Hey beautiful,” he said.

“Is everything all right?”

“Yeah. Everything’s fine.” Justin came to sit beside me on the bed. He brushed my hair back with his hand. “Did you sleep all right?”

“Mmmm, I did.”

“I want to spend the day with you, but I didn’t bring a change of clothes with me. I really should get back home and shower and change.”

“Don’t worry about it. I have a ton of laundry to do and school work to catch up on.”

“Can I see you tomorrow?”

We always spent Saturdays together. “Of course.”

The last few weeks of the semester flew by in a blur of final papers and exams. When I handed in my last exam I breathed a sigh of relief. I finally had enough free time that I could hang out with Susan again, squeeze in some Christmas shopping, and still have time with Justin. But the closer to Christmas it got, the more nervous I became. First off, I had no idea what to buy Justin, I couldn’t afford to buy him the same type of presents he got me, but I wanted to get him something he’d really love. But the thing that made me the most anxious was the thought of the Christmas Eve dinner that Justin had invited me to at his house.

“I promise my mother will be nicer this time,” Justin said after asking me to come.

I wasn’t convinced. “I’m not going to be able to afford to buy presents for everyone in your family.” I was trying to come up with a reason why I wouldn’t be able to go.

“You don’t need to buy any presents, Jess,” Justin said. “C’mon, this is going to be our first Christmas together and I want to spend it with you.”

I agreed only because I wanted to spend Christmas with Justin. His family, not so much, but they were a part of his life.

Mike had been putting in a crazy amount of overtime so he could pay for Melanie’s engagement ring so it didn’t surprise me that by the time I was ready to go to Justin’s I hadn’t seen him. I sent him a text on my way to the train station.

Merry Christmas Mike. Tell Mel I said hi.

Merry Christmas to you too J wish me luck.

He wouldn’t need it. Mel would say yes. And with that happy thought in my head I ran down the stairs of the Carroll Street station headed for Justin’s with his present tucked under my arm.

A little over an hour later the doorman announced my arrival. Justin’s apartment had looked nice on Thanksgiving, but between the gigantic Christmas tree in the living room and the decorations adorning the rest of the living space, it looked magical this time.

“My mother tends to go all out for Christmas,” Justin explained as he noticed me staring.

The mantle by the fireplace held four red velvet stockings and was covered with sprigs of holly and twinkling white Christmas lights. Every doorway was decorated with red ribbon twisted around evergreen garlands. The apartment smelled gloriously of pine.

Justin’s dad and brothers greeted me warmly with hugs and wishes for a Merry Christmas, while his mother eyed me suspiciously. She barely spoke to me during dinner. It wasn’t until after we ate, while Justin’s family was tearing open presents sent from various family and friends that Justin’s mother sat beside me.

“I was surprised when Justin said you were coming to have Christmas Eve dinner with us.”

“Why’s that?”

She looked at me like she didn’t believe I didn’t already know what was on her mind. I didn’t, but I had a feeling it wasn’t going to good. “I love my son dearly,” she finally said. “But he isn’t exactly what most young girls are looking for.”

I kept myself from saying what I really wanted to. “What is it that you think most girls are looking for?”

“I’m sure you’re aware of Justin’s issues.”

“I am, and I love him just the way he is.”

The look of doubt still hadn’t left Mrs. Lambert’s face despite my assertion. “Hmm. So what did my son get you for Christmas?”

“I don’t know. We decided to exchange our presents later, privately.”

“No doubt he got you something extravagant. Like the necklace you’re wearing now.”

My fingers brushed over the present Justin had given me at the end of summer. How did she know it was a gift from him? “Excuse me,” I said. I was getting more uncomfortable by the minute. “I need to go use the bathroom.”

The moment I locked the bathroom door behind me I let out a sigh. After Thanksgiving I was pretty sure Justin’s mother didn’t like me, now there was no doubt. The only thing I didn’t know was what in the world I was going to do about it.

I tried to keep a safe distance between Mrs. Lambert and myself after returning from the bathroom. Every time I glanced in her direction I would’ve sworn she was looking at me out of the corner of her eyes like she was making sure I wasn’t secretly pocketing her silverware.

“I need to get some fresh air,” Jeff announced after most of the presents were opened and the wrapping paper was cleared off the floor. “Who wants to come with?”

“You want to go?” I asked Justin, eager to get out of his house and away from his mother.

“It’s okay. You go ahead. I need to talk to my mother about something.”

The cold air filled my lungs as I stepped outside with Jeff. No one else had wanted to join us and I realized why. The air felt like a knife. “You don’t like cold, do you?” Jeff asked as we headed up the street.

“No.” I shivered as a strong wind seemed to push cold air through my coat. “I actually hate it, but I needed. . .”

“To get away from my mother.”

I smiled, but didn’t reply. Jeff already knew without needing me to confirm it.

“Well, if it’s worth anything I’m glad she hasn’t chased you off. I was worried she might’ve after Thanksgiving.”

“So was Justin.” I thought carefully about what to say next. “He was upset that night. I had to wake him up from some crazy dream he was having. He was worried that between his legs and his PTSD and your mother, who obviously hates me that I’d bail on him.”