Backwards (19 page)

That got my attention. “How should I act?” I said. “You want me to smile and work all the time and pretend everything’s great like you do?”

“No. Things haven’t been great in a long time.”

Her response surprised me.

Dan’s mom sighed and put down the sponge. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”

“It’s okay.”

“It’s not okay. I know this past year hasn’t been easy for you. Or your sister. But I want you to know that I’m trying. I really am. There’s just so much I have to do —”

“You don’t have to do anything for me.”

“That’s not true.”

“I’m fine, Mom.” It was the first time I’d ever called her that. “I can take care of myself.”

Her expression softened. “You shouldn’t have to,” she said. “I’m your mom. It’s my job to take care of you.”

I stepped back, hating how she blamed herself for Dan’s actions. “There’s nothing you can do,” I repeated. “Please, just let me go.”

“Dan —”

I ducked into his room and locked the door.

Things would have been better if I could have gotten the zombie to fall asleep, only I was too keyed up from the conversation with Dan’s mom and the fight at school. I surfed the Internet and paced his room for a while. I even tried doing push-ups, but it didn’t help. Sleep stayed a million miles away. Eventually I climbed out his window, unable to stand being cooped up inside a moment longer.

Going to Cat’s place wasn’t an option since I was still in Dan’s body, so I headed downtown instead. That’s when I heard the sirens. A police car approached, lights flashing and engine roaring. It rushed past and careened around a corner. I followed the sirens to see what was going on.

A fire truck, ambulance, and two police cars lined a road bisecting Main Street. Orange cones blocked off one lane, and flares burned around the accident site, casting a sickly mauve glow. Drivers slowed to see the wreck, causing traffic to back up. About a dozen people stood on the sidewalk or peered out from nearby windows and porches.

I crossed the street to get a better look. The car appeared to have missed a turn and skidded into a concrete drainage ditch. It looked like it had rolled once or twice because the windows were all broken and the roof was crushed. Skid marks snaked across both lanes. A couple firefighters circled the car, but most of the activity surrounded the ambulance where a body lay strapped to a stretcher. Two paramedics bustled around, attaching wires and tubes.

One of the paramedics, a tall guy with a shaved head, looked familiar. He’d come to Dan’s house my first day here — the one who bumped his knee on the bathtub faucet while lifting the zombie.

The other paramedic, a stocky woman, worked an air bag while the tall paramedic got out a defibrillator and rubbed gel onto the electric paddles. He ripped open the guy’s shirt and pressed the metal plates to pale flesh. The body twitched, then lay motionless. The tall paramedic fiddled with a few dials and gave the guy another jolt with the paddles. Both paramedics stood still, staring at a computer screen. The whole scene appeared to freeze.

Some blip or beep or other sign set them into motion again. Maybe the guy’s heart had started up. The tall paramedic gave the guy a shot while the woman went back to pumping the air bag. They raised the stretcher and slid it into the brightly lit interior of the ambulance. A firefighter climbed into the back with the female paramedic. I wanted to see their brisk, urgent movements as hopeful, but they might have just been putting on a show like they would when Dan died, and as soon as the ambulance pulled away, they’d tug a sheet over the guy’s face and talk about sports.

The tall paramedic shut the ambulance doors and jogged to the cab. He turned, briefly meeting my gaze before getting in. I swear he hesitated for a moment, as if he knew me.

Time sped up again and he hopped into the driver’s seat. Lights flashed as the ambulance rushed away. After a block, the driver turned on the sirens, just like he’d do for Dan twelve days from now.

A tow truck arrived and pulled the car out of the ditch. Later, a policeman swept up the broken glass. Almost everyone else had left by then. The policeman seemed to resent being the last one there. He didn’t do a very thorough job of sweeping. After a few minutes, he glanced around and scowled at me. Then he tossed the broom and dustpan into the trunk of his squad car and drove off, leaving shards of green-edged glass sparkling in the road.

Dan wouldn’t fall asleep until late that night. When I finally slipped free of him, I went straight to the Coffee Spot to meet TR. Except for a few drunk guys eating waffles, the place looked empty. TR sat in the back corner booth where Cat and her friends usually sat. He was hunched over someone’s dirty cup, as if he might pick it up at any moment and take a sip.

I slid into the seat across from him. “Been here long?”

He kept staring at the coffee. I expected him to be pissed that I hadn’t come earlier, but his thoughts seemed elsewhere.

“I saw you at that accident tonight,” he said after a minute. “At least I saw the zombie there. It was a bad one. The guy almost died.”

“How do you know he didn’t?”

TR peered into the coffee mug for several seconds. I considered whether it was Cat’s cup, but red lipstick stained the rim. Cat didn’t wear lipstick.

“I saw a rider like us,” TR said.

I straightened, wondering why he hadn’t mentioned this right away. “Did you talk to him?”

TR shook his head. “He seemed dazed. Just kept staring at the body on the stretcher. I think that’s where he came from.”

“Came from?”

TR took a deep breath. “I think we’re them,” he said. “The corpses. I think we come from them — like we’re bits of their soul or something, and we broke off. And now we’re echoing back.”

“That’s ridiculous.”

“Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about it,” said TR.

I had, of course, but that didn’t mean it was true.
“I’m. Not. Dan.”
I stood and walked through the wall into the parking lot.

TR followed me out. “That’s exactly how I felt at first. Like I’d ever want to be Waster. But then I thought, what if the reason Waster acts the way he does is
because
I broke off,” he said. “What if he gets drunk all the time and crashed his truck
because
he lost me?”

“Look, even if I was once part of Dan, I’m not anymore. I’m my own person now.” I cut through the back lot and headed toward Cat’s place.

“You’re not the only one who’s done bad things,” said TR.

I slowed, not sure what he was talking about. I hadn’t done anything bad. Granted, losing control and letting Dan attack Finn hadn’t been good. And harassing Cat with the figurines was a mistake. But I’d fix that. Ever since I’d arrived, all I’d tried to do was make things better.

“Waster messed up, too,” continued TR. “He did something terrible. It’s not easy for me to admit that I’m him — that
I
messed up like that. But maybe it’s the only answer.”

I kept walking.

TR jogged to catch up with me. “The rider I saw merged back into the guy,” he said.

“So? That doesn’t prove anything. We get pulled back into the corpses every morning.”

“Yeah, but this was different. This rider didn’t fight it. Instead, it was like he surrendered himself. And then everything was okay,” said TR. “The guy’s heart started to beat again.”

“Don’t be stupid,” I said. “If you surrender like that, you’re done. Waster will take over, and you’ll be lost. No more TR.”

TR nodded, seeming to agree with me. We passed through some bushes into a neighborhood.

“What if that’s the sacrifice we need to make?” he asked.

I couldn’t believe this. After all we’d been through, was he trying to convince me to give up? “Waster isn’t going to make things right,” I told him. “And neither will the zombie.
They’re
the ones who messed things up. That’s why we have to take over completely, so we can undo what they did.”

TR paused. I turned to see why he’d stopped.

“Do you ever wonder if maybe, instead of saving Cat, you’re supposed to save Dan?” he asked.

“Dan’s dead. Or he will be. He doesn’t deserve to be saved. I’m glad he’s going to kill himself.”

“Why?”

“Because the world’s better off without him.”

“You really hate him that much?” asked TR.

I thought of all the suffering Dan had caused — not just the rape, but the empty, self-absorbed way he went through life. The first thing I’d seen, coming into this life, was Dan turning his back on it and hurting everyone who cared about him. “Hate is a mild way of putting it.”

TR shook his head. “You have to forgive yourself, Dan.”

I clenched my fists, wanting to punch TR. But what was the point? My hand would just pass through him. “Don’t ever call me that again,” I said. “You might think it’s okay to give up, but I don’t.”

I cut through a yard to get to Cat’s apartment faster.

TR didn’t follow me.

“What’s wrong with your head?” asked Teagan. She stood in the doorway, mouth agape. For some reason, she looked younger.

“It’s makeup,” I replied. “From Halloween.” I don’t know why I said it. She’d know soon enough it wasn’t true. Lying for no reason was something Dan would do.

“Did you get in a fight?” she asked.

“Shhh . . .” I glanced at the doorway, afraid their mom would hear.

“Mom’s gone, genius,” said Teagan. “Day two of her sales conference, remember?”

“Right.” I checked the clock on the bedside table: 10:43 a.m. I’d wasted most of the morning sleeping. Only two days left to figure things out before the past was set.

“Is that why you wore that stupid hat yesterday?” asked Teagan, pointing to my forehead.

“Don’t you have something better to do?”

“Nope. It’s Sunday. The only thing on my list today is to bother you.” She perched on Dan’s desk and grinned. “Did someone kick your ass at Finn’s party?”

Dan stirred. “What do you know about Finn’s party?”

“I know it was pretty wild,” said Teagan. “And I know you were there.”

“Did you go?”

She squinted at me like I’d just asked if turtles could fly. “Who’d invite me? You?”

“No. I’m glad that you didn’t go.”

“Thanks, dear brother. I like spending time with you, too.”

“That’s not what I meant,” I said. “The party wasn’t much fun is all. It was a waste of time.”

Teagan scoffed. “You don’t have to worry about me embarrassing you. It’s not like any of your friends would talk to me.”

“They’d talk to you,” I said, remembering how Finn had said hello to her outside of school. Then again, for Teagan that was a week from now. “Why would you want to hang out with them, anyway?”

“Doesn’t everyone want to hang out with them?” mocked Teagan. “And dress like them? And
be
them? I should try out for cheerleading, then Kendra and I could be BFFs.” She flipped her hair back, imitating Kendra. “I think I’ll dye my hair blue. Or black. That would look cool, wouldn’t it?”

“Yeah. That will make you real popular,” I joked.

Teagan’s shoulders slumped. I realized she’d been asking seriously. That’s why she looked younger — her hair hadn’t been dyed yet, and she wasn’t wearing dark makeup around her eyes.