Bactine (56 page)

Daniel felt as if someone was speaking through his voice, and yet... the things he said made sense to himself. For a momentary flash he was back on the hill, in the night, where he had talked with Lundar.

Rayko, her face pressed against Daniel's shirt, nodded somewhat. "Yes." Her fingers were entangled in Daniel's.

"It is good to grieve over what you have lost," Daniel heard himself say. "A part of your life has been shattered, destroyed, taken away from you. But it is not the meaning of life that you linger there, and cry over the loss forever. At some point you will find the courage and the strength to move on again."

Rayko lifted her face to Daniel. "You are a preacher, Daniel, and never again tell me that you are not." Slowly she let go of his fingers and raised her hand, to touch his cheek. "And how do you feel, Daniel Zacharias? Much of your life has been destroyed also. When do you take the time to cry, to feel the pain and the loss?"

Confused about this sudden change in her, Daniel reached up and took her hand. She did not want to take it off his cheek, though, so he held his hand there, over hers. "No," he said, "don't."

"Yes, Daniel. I have to, because I can feel it inside you. You are here for me, after all that happened. And I want to be here for you. After all that happened. Please... let me. Look at me." Rayko knew what she was doing, and that it was the right thing to do.

As his eyes found hers, he seemed to lock up inside. There was something in her gaze that made it impossible for him to look away. There was a gentleness, a caring, a true desire to help him in her eyes, something he had never seen before.

As she looked into Daniel's eyes and saw something happening inside him, Rayko slowly moved away from under his arm and kneeled next to him on the couch, now holding both his hands.

Daniel barely noticed her move.

"Daniel... please listen to me..." Rayko spoke in a very calm voice, as low as she could. "I really don't know what you have been through. And it is not for me to know. But you know. You told me a few things, and they felt painful to me. You had a lot of hardship since you came here. I know you almost died. Twice. Please, Daniel, if you can, tell me about how you feel."

Rayko felt a slight tremble in his hands. "Very good, Daniel. Just let it flow. Show me who you are, Daniel Zacharias." She was not now just a young woman, she now was the preacher. The roles had switched.

Daniel closed his eyes. Despite that, he was still looking in Rayko's deep brown eyes. A few small tears escaped from his eyes and slowly rolled down his cheeks.

"It is all well, Daniel," Rayko whispered.

"It's not," he whispered back. "I should not cry."

"Yes. You should. There is pain buried inside you too, Daniel. You have to let it out. Go through it one more time. Then leave it behind you. You have nothing to be afraid of, you are here, with me. I will guide you." Rayko closed her eyes and clenched her teeth as Daniel squeezed her hands hard for a moment. He was so strong.

Daniel did not want to cry. He did not want that weakness. He'd never had it, and he'd always been fine without it. But there was something in the words Rayko said, something in the tone of her voice, that poked at a hidden place deep inside him. It took away a veil and showed him a shimmer of it. Something that was lurking in the depths of his soul, in the place where he was hiding all his fears. All his pains. It was a place he did not want to go to.

"I can't," he whispered, barely audible.

"You can," Rayko said. "You must. Because it is better for you. It will make you feel light inside, Daniel. Please, listen to my voice. Go to the place that you are facing. The place you fear." She could tell by his face where he was going. Her studies and trainings in the philosophy had taught her how to interpret the signs, and so she knew, even with this man that was not from here and yet seemed to belong. Gently talking to him, supporting him, and guiding him through the trance she had put on him, she helped Daniel to enter the place he did not dare to face.

There were large shadows hanging over Daniel. Shadows the size of mountains. Dragons, fears twice their size, and they were waiting there for him. He found himself in a tunnel, its ceiling so high he could not see it. "I so very much do not want to be here," he whispered to himself.

"You are not alone," he heard a voice. It was the voice of a woman he knew. It was Rayko's voice. "But you will have to walk here yourself. I am holding your hands, do you feel it?"

Daniel was aware of her hands. It was so strange, he could hear her and feel her, but he could not see her. All he saw was the long tunnel, and its hidden dangers, the fears and the terrors lurking in the dark.

"You have to move on, Daniel," Rayko said. This was the difficult part. She could not see where he was, what he did, she just had to be there for him, and push him. The pushing was dangerous. Not too hard. Not too gentle. "Tell me, what is there to be afraid of, Daniel..."

The man in the tunnel saw the shadow of the operating table. The place where he had been taken to, after being shot up in space. "I don't want to die there, Rayko," he said, his voice coarse with fright. "It was not my fault they were there."

"But you did not die, Daniel. You lived. And you are still alive." Tears jumped into her eyes when he squeezed her hands again. "Now you have to move on again, Daniel."

Daniel tore his eyes from the shadow and started walking, deeper into the tunnel.

"Are you walking?"

"Yes... it is dark here..." He had not said it, or there was a flicker of light. Something that brought another shadow alive. It showed him his brother, Malcolm. "I see Malcolm. And his family."

Rayko was puzzled, she had never heard of a Malcolm. But there was so much she did not know about Daniel. "Face him. See what he does. And understand that he cannot touch you, Daniel."

Daniel followed her leads, one after the other, and finally he reached a place in the tunnel where there was an immense shower of light. It looked like flowing silver and gold, and as he approached it, Rayko told him to step into it, and feel how the stream was taking away all the shadows that clung to him.

"It is the shower of forgiveness and acceptance, Daniel," she whispered. "It is where Nahmyo waits for you, where you open your eyes." Her hands were hurting, her face was wet with tears, but she had to push him through this. Otherwise it had all been in vain. Slowly she felt how his hands relaxed, she saw how his features eased and his breathing became more shallow, calm.

Daniel slowly rose from the trance. There was a lightness in him that he had never experienced before, not even in the zero gravity of space.

"Keep your eyes closed, Daniel," Rayko whispered. She was leaning against him, as this had worn her out quite a bit. It had been hard work for her as well as for him, and she felt drained. But happy.

"Where are you, Rayko?" Daniel asked.

"I am here. Right beside you," she whispered.

Somehow Daniel managed to raise his arm and put it around her. He pulled her close, and again she did not resist.

After a while, Sygra dared to move. He had come in and understood what Rayko was doing. She nor Daniel had noticed him enter the room, and he had not dared to stir a muscle. He was too much aware of what was going on, and any sound he would make would break the spell of the trance-work, so he had remained standing and waiting and watching.

He went into Daniel's room to fetch a blanket. The senator frowned at the mass of black fabric on the table for a moment, then he returned and covered the two sleeping people with the blanket. Silently he left the small library.

"I think I will have my tea in the garden today," he said to a servant. "And please, tell everyone not to go into the library for a while."

"Very well, sir."

Daniel slowly awoke. He did not want to emerge from the soft warm cocoon he was in, but reality was relentless and dragged him out. Then he noticed that he was not alone. Slowly he looked to the side and saw brown hair against his shoulder. His arm was around the owner of the brown hair.

With a slight frown he tried to remember what had happened, but apart from going through the tunnel after Rayko had been talking to him he could not recall how she got to sleep in his arm. He also wasn't sure where the blanket had come from, but it certainly felt nice.

Being awake was now apparent. He felt relaxed though, and understood that being awake did not imply being on the run-around. Sitting there on the couch, with Rayko close, was enough of the world for now.

It was a gentle pling-plong sound that ended the cosiness.

Rayko stirred. She too was a bit confused at first, when she found herself cuddled up with Daniel. "Oh..." She wiped her hair aside. Then she looked at Daniel and slowly sat up. "Uhm... how do you feel?" As she asked it, she reached for the pendant she wore and flipped open the cover. "Hello mother." She stared intently at the stamp-sized picture in the cover.

"Rayko, where are you? We are getting worried," the voice of Ugidra sounded from the locket.

"I am visiting with the senator, mother. I told you that I do not know when I will be back."

"Oh. I see. Pay my respects to the senator, please, and do inform us when you intend to come home." The tiny display turned grey.

Rayko closed the locket and looked at Daniel. "Is your mother like that?"

"Never had such a problem," Daniel said.

"My mother is really good and caring, please don't misunderstand. But sometimes I would like to trade her," Rayko said.

"Ah, there are people who are awake." Sygra came into the library with a smile. He laughed widely as he saw the failing attempts of Rayko and Daniel to sit further apart; the blanket held them together. "Please, do not worry. I have seen people sit together before."

The senator kept his distance. "Would you like some more privacy for a while? Just say so, I understand. You have gone through something intense. It is not like sharing a cup of tea."

Daniel was lost for words. He still had no idea what had happened.

Rayko slowly pulled at the blanket, in vain. Then she gave in and leaned against Daniel again, who did not mind. "If you would please sit with us, sir," she said. "Maybe you can help me in telling Daniel what I tried to do for him."

"Of course." After calling for fresh tea, Sygra sat down and together they explained to Daniel about the trance and the intended effect.

"You, young lady, delivered some very frightening moments to me, do you know that?" Daniel reacted, after they had done their talking.

Rayko, who held one of Daniel's hands, nodded. "I know. Are they still frightening, young man?"

Daniel grinned. This talk was going on in such a relaxed and comfortable atmosphere, and they had never before been so open and close. "No. They aren't. You did something amazing, Rayko."

"I hope you are serious about that, Daniel," Sygra said. "Because it is truly amazing what she did. It was an act of trust and care. And..." His eyes drifted off to Rayko. "Dare I say it? Or do you?"

"Love."

Rayko and Sygra looked at Daniel. "How do you know that?"

"I don't really... know. It just feels like that should be it." Daniel felt very thoughtful. He looked at Rayko. "And it is... how I feel, I think."

Rayko's eyes grew larger. Then she smiled. "Thank you. For returning the feeling."

They hardly noticed how Sygra quietly left the room.

"I didn't really know I had it, Rayko. Not with everything that has happened."

"Things like that don't matter, Daniel," she said, as she snuggled up to him, his arm going around her as if it had a mind of its own. "Those are the things that set everything in motion. The ones that bring us in contact."

"They certainly did that," Daniel said. He rested his cheek on her head.

In silence they sat like that for quite some time.

"Daniel?"

"Yes?"

"I think I really love you."

Daniel was slightly taken by surprise by that sudden revelation. He put a finger under her chin and slowly made her look up at him. "I love you too, Rayko."

"I know." She reached up and put her hand behind his head.

Daniel did not need much encouragement to sink into the kiss.

When it finally broke, Rayko's face was red. "I believe you love me, Daniel. But please, convince me again."

He did.

Both their faces were red after that.

"I need some tea," said Rayko, "now really. You are..." She smiled. Then she poured them some tea.

"I think I must go home soon, Daniel."

"Yes, you should, indeed. Before your mother calls on you again."

Rayko laughed. "Yes. I am glad she did not interrupt... this." She handed Daniel his tea. "Would you come with me if I asked you?"