Bad as in Good (38 page)

“Erin, where are you goin'?”

I didn't turn around as I pulled out my keys to unlock my car door. When I felt Tariq's hand on my arm, I pulled away and folded my arms across my chest. “Why are you here, Tariq?”

“I been tryna talk to you for the longest.”

“Ain't it obvious that I don't wanna talk to you?”

“Why? I tell you I divorced my wife, the shit you been grillin' me on since the beginnin', an' now you don't wanna talk.”

“You kicked me out, remember that?”

“You threw me out yo' place many times. The one time I throw you out—”

“I'm not talking to you about this, Tariq. Especially not at my job.”

Tariq glanced back at his car. A dozen people crowded around it, ogling the alloy wheels and peerin' inside, scratching their chins in amazement. He twirled around to face me again. “Well, let me take you for a ride. We can talk somewhere else.”

“I don't wanna talk to you at all. I really wanna get home.”

“Let me take you.”

Pointing at my car, I said, “I don't need a ride home.”

“Can I meet you at yo' place?”

“You're not gettin' it. I don't want to talk to you, at all. Not here and not later.”

Tariq rubbed his forehead and looked back at his car. A few more people had pulled out their camera phones to take pictures. “I don't like all these people 'round my car.” Suckin' his teeth, Tariq stared me up and down. “I want us to talk.”

“I don't.” I took a deep breath. “I'm moving.”

He threw his head back and dropped his jaw. “Movin' where?”

“Out of Florida.”

“When?”

“Two weeks, maybe a month.”

“Two weeks!” He stepped back and scratched the back of his neck. “Whatchu mean, Erin? I left my wife—”

“I didn't ask you to. I'm tired of playin' on yo' rules. You've thrown me out of your car, your home, disrespected me, and I always come back. I'm done. I had an interview for another job, and I got it. It pays more, and it's what I want to do. There's nothin' holdin' me here.”

Tariq dropped his balled fists to his sides as he looked me up and down, taking my words as salty insults. “It's like that?”

“Tariq, all we had was sex. I barely know anything about you. You barely took the time out to learn anything about me. My emotions are subject to whateva shit you're goin' through. Sometimes you treat me great, and then other times, I'm sliding down a damn fire escape to escape your wife. Did you think I was gonna keep dealin' wit' this bull forever?”

“That's why I'm here ready to talk to you.”

“Yea, because you feel like it. You could've talked to me before you threw me out of your condo. I'm not doing this anymore. It really doesn't matter what you have to talk to me about, Tariq. I'm done, for good.”

Tariq breathed deeply as he stepped away from me. “I'm not goin' make you give up a better job.” His tone changed. It was solemn and comatose. “You know the shit I felt for you was more than the shit you're talkin', but you ain't tryna hear that shit.”

I raised my shoulders. “Actions speak louder than words.”

Tariq nodded and turned on his heel. He shooed the crowd of admirers away from his car and revved the engine. It was an angry sound that roared as he drove away. As I watched him disappear from the parking lot, I couldn't shake the feelin' of calm I felt. It
was an unfamiliar feelin' that I wasn't used to feelin'. One of those emotions I only felt when I'd made a good decision. I was happy to drive home without the hope of good sex in the morning. For the first time in my relationship with Tariq, I chose myself.

•  •  •

The tattered yellow tape scattered around my apartment building left the reminder of an unspoken danger that lived across the hall from me. I stood at my door as chills ran up my spine. I hated thinkin' about Alonzo. I slid my key into my keyhole to close my door behind me, hoping to eventually forget his memories. Still, as I opened the door to my apartment, I wasn't fleeing all danger. Closing the door behind me, I turned on the lights and literally felt my heart jump up the back of my throat as I noticed the tall, black figure across from me. It was Louis on one knee, ring in tote. I couldn't stop my eyes from rolling.

My heart finally slid back into its rightful place. Louis brushed his dreads off his shoulders and stared at me. My fluorescent lights beamed off the bling from the rock in his palm and the pure white suit he'd clothed himself in. My bright lights also illuminated the purplish, blackish bruise that Tariq left on his eye. He didn't have to ask. We both knew the question. “How'd you get in here, Louis?”

“I told your maintenance man I wanted to surprise you. As a recent newlywed, he was happy to participate.” I dropped my things on my kitchen counter and took a deep breath. “Are you going to answer me? I've been sitting on bended knee for hours.” He smiled a smile of hope—a blinding hope that meant nothing to me at that point.

Inhaling deeply, I responded, “No.” Although it was a firm and steadfast rejection that needed no explanations, one would be needed.

His smile dropped as quickly as it appeared. He didn't move. The ring still stuck out, begging me to try it on while his knee dug a dent into my floor. “…no?”

“No, Louis. Wit' all the shit we been through, why would you even wanna marry me?”

“It's my fault you cheated. I fucked up a lot. But I wanna prove to you that you're who I wanna be with.”

“I don't need reassurance.” It was time to stop beating around the bush. “I'm moving to North Carolina in a few weeks.”

He stood up and reluctantly closed the ring box. My heart leapt a quarter of a centimeter when the box slammed shut. Every girl wants a diamond ring shoved in her face, and it's gonna hurt when it goes away, no matter what. “What?”

“I got a promotion.”

“Erin, I…”

“Louis, I'm putting myself first. I've put myself in these crazy situations, and I'm too grown for this. There are a hundred reasons why I know what we had wouldn't work and—”

“So, you're runnin' back to him?”

“No.
He
is not the problem. My heart's not in this. I need to do what's best for me, and that means turning down your proposal and taking a job that I've dreamed about taking for years.”

“Did you even consider how this would affect me?”

My eyes went to rolling again. “I have thought about it. I know that
this
isn't what I want. Maybe in the future we can be—”

“I'm not gonna sit around waitin' for you.”

“I'm not asking you to.”

“I can find someone who won't put me through this shit. You cheated on me and—”

“Look, Louis. I understand you're hurt…”

“Hurt?
Since we first got together, I've put everything into this relationship while you've been lettin' another man put everything into you.”

“Louis, we're not gettin' into this.”

“Why? Because you say so? I'm not the little bitch you might think I am.”

“Louis, you have to go.”

He tied his dreads up. “No, we're goin' finish this shit. I put my all into you, Erin. I treated you with respect, and you dogged me out. You don't get to throw me out until you give me an explanation. Was I not man enough for you? Was I too much man for you?”

Louis was changing. In the beginning, Louis was soft and gentle. Now, due to my actions, he was someone else. I hadn't realized how my actions would affect Louis. He was hurt, but I justified my actions with his transgressions. After he kept things from me, I let Tariq do to me and be to me what Louis wanted to do and be. I never gave my all to Louis, and now he was left picking up the remains from his shattered emotions. I was guilty. He was my judge, and the anger and pain in his eyes dealt me my sentencing—the fact that my selfishness would undoubtedly be the cause for Louis's mistreatment of his next woman.

I took a deep breath and let my hair down while I threw up the white flag. I was done with the innuendos and ambiguity. Louis was my man once. At one point in my life, Louis was the man I spoke of when I rejected a number of suitors. Yet, I threw him aside without respecting him with the effort of treating him right and giving him the true benefits of a real relationship. Leaning up against my kitchen counter, I spread my feet apart and twirled a strand of hair as I channeled Loraine's frustration habits.

“One minute I'm here wanting to be with you, then next thing
you know, I'm battling my feelings for someone else. I got into a relationship with you way before my feelings for him were completely resolved. I excused my actions because I shouldn't have feelings for him. I was forcing myself to be with you while searching for reasons to give up on you.” I shrugged my shoulders at him. I was hoping he'd find resolve in my muddled explanations.

He stared at me with motionless irritation. His lips curled up into snarls, unsatisfied with my words. “You are so full of shit, Erin.”

Regardless of how confusing or erratic my thoughts may have sounded, they were all I had to give. I opened my door and pointed my head in the direction of the hallway. “I'm not throwing you out, but I have nothing more to say to you. This isn't working. If you need to blame it all on me, do what you feel is best so long as you leave. This situation is done.”

I couldn't think of any other way to explain myself. I was honest, and most importantly, I was done with our conversation. I needed him out of my life. Now more than ever, I needed to lock the door behind him, strip naked, and take a long bubble bath. Louis licked his bottom lip and chuckled. He chuckled one of those egotistical “this bitch” type of chuckles. He strolled out with a pimp-like stroll and stopped short of walking out my door.

Glaring at me, he closed his eyes and slammed his fist into the wall two inches away from my head. As I held my chest and slid back into the skin I jumped out of, I glared back at him, daring him to make another move he'd regret.

A breath away from my face, he whispered, “Well, since this shit is done, I should tell you. That email I sent you telling you that I loved you was supposed to go to Teona. Clearly, you were a mistake. I don't think I ever loved you.”

Cocking my head back, I pointed at the hallway and folded my
arms across my chest with that black-girl swag he was used to by dealing with a girl like Teona. After a brief pause, he stepped back and walked away with the same pimp-like stroll that was about to get the cops called on him.

Locking the door behind me, I took my finger off the call button of my BlackBerry and slid my phone out of Loraine's pants pockets, clearing out my pre-dialed nine-one-one digits. Louis's threat didn't warrant a response. However, I was prepared to call the cops had he tried me. Usually, I left my phone on my kitchen counter while I bathed; tonight, I needed my phone next to me in case Louis made his way back inside.

This day had been too crazy.

“I missed you so much, baby…ooh, yes. Please go deeper.”

I skipped my bath. I didn't feel safe at home. I disrobed, threw on a pair of flannel pajamas, and popped up at Loraine's with a bag of her work clothes in tote. Yet, as I leaned into her entrance with my ear on her wood door, I realized that it might have been best to call ahead. I thought about facing my fears and driving back home, but I was distracted by the loud thumping sound banging into her door.

“Shit! Don't stop…ooh…yes…damn, Lorenz…I want more.” The thumping sped up and grew more furious as her screams escalated. “Ah! Yes! Lorenz…keep going, no, right there…yea, right there, baby…shit!”

Suddenly, the banging slowed down and Loraine's screams deescalated to moans and whimpers. “I missed you, too,” I heard Lorenz's voice say.

Now was my time to knock before they started their next round. Silence, initially. I could hear her door unlocking. “Erin…”

I nodded as I held up her bag of clothes. Lorenz was nowhere in sight. Loraine's dreads were everywhere as she stood draped in a long silk robe. “I wanted to drop off your clothes.”

She looked me up and down and pursed her lips. “Were you listening at my door again?”

The stench of guilt had given me up. I snickered. “Don't you guys ever have sex in a bed?”

She let me in. “You are so nasty.” Two seconds later, Lorenz walked out of Loraine's bedroom dressed in a three-piece pinstriped suit; dry sweat beads tattooed his neck and forehead. “Erin's here, babe.”

Lorenz waved hello and walked into Loraine's kitchen to grab a drink of water.

“Where's he going all dressed up? Does he have a different three-piece suit for every day of the week?”

Loraine giggled. “He stopped by after he got off work. What are you really doing here?”

“I have too much to tell you about my day.”

We both stared at Lorenz, who stood in the kitchen gulping down his glass of tap water. He raised his hand and shook his head. “I'm on my way out now.”

Walking to Loraine, he pulled her waist as they fawned over each other on their way to the door. With a sweet-as-watermelon kiss goodbye, Lorenz walked out her door and left Loraine fanning herself.

“I see you talked to Lorenz.”

Loraine smirked as she fell atop her couch, the smell of sex marinating all around us. “That weekend away really helped me clear my head.” She kicked the panties at her feet under her couch in an attempt to hide her dirty sex escapade. “I was gonna call him when I got home, but he was standing outside my door. We talked, and he was very understanding. He was considerate, respectful, and compassionate. He was everything I ever wanted him to be. I had to let him claim my pussy, girl; he was askin' for it.”