BAD BOY ROMANCE: DIESEL: Contemporary Bad Boy Biker MC Romance (Box Set) (New Adult Sports Romance Short Stories Boxset) (156 page)

Chapter Six

Leda

I couldn’t stop thinking about Miriam, Stratton’s ex. I knew it was crazy to be jealous of someone who wasn’t even around anymore, but after he told me about her, I felt so inadequate. Of course Stratton would only date someone who was equal to him, in both beauty and intelligence. After he’d shown me her picture, he’d told me that she’d gone to college for computer science and now worked as a programmer with the United Nations in Geneva. And of course she spoke French and had studied abroad in Paris her junior year. And of course they’d had a romantic vacation together in Cap d’Antibes.

Megan’s snoring on the bed brought me out of my daze. I watched as a strand of drool transferred itself from her lip to the comforter. I knew she would feel like absolute shit in the morning and I felt bad, but dealing with drunk friends was never a favorite past time of mine. Being completely intoxicated in public was always something that frightened me; I never found the idea fun, like many of my peers.

Outside my room, the party raged on. I was thirsty but I didn’t want to risk going in the kitchen and leaving Megan by herself. And if I was being truly honest, I didn’t really want to talk to anyone else, either. My phone pinged with a new email.
Great,
I thought.
Probably something for class tomorrow that I forgot
.

But the email wasn’t from any of my professors. It was from an address I didn’t recognize, and the subject line was: “Leda – read this, please.”

A knot of apprehension formed in my stomach as I opened the email and read:

“Dear Leda,

I wish I could say I’d planned to do this, but after some liquid courage in the way of Scotch, here I am.”

Oh, god,
I thought.
It’s Matthew.
I kept reading:

“I want to apologize for all of the hurt and all of the pain I caused you when we split up. It’s been weighing heavily on my mind for the past year and a half, and I’ve wanted to reach out so many times. I’m living in California now, and I miss Virginia very much. I also miss you very much.

Leda, when we parted ways, it wasn’t healthy. It wasn’t a good idea for us to break up, although I understand now that you must have had your reasons.”

I narrowed my eyes.
Reasons? Of course I had reasons, you twit,
I thought.
You cheated on me!

“Leda, I’m sorry this is coming so late. There’s a lot I have to tell you that I didn’t share at the time. Back when we were together, we spent all of our time together. I don’t have to tell you that; I know you know, as it was one of the many things you cited when we broke up. I felt so close to you that I was beginning to feel smothered, and I wanted a way out. Not from you, because I’ve always loved you, but from the relationship. It was confining me in a way that I wasn’t used to.

At the beginning of our senior year, my grandmother got sick with cancer. I didn’t tell you because I couldn’t have stood your pity; it would have just wrecked me. I couldn’t have anyone feeling bad for me because I was already feeling so guilty myself. I believed it was my fault. If I hadn’t moved away to college and abandoned her, she wouldn’t have gotten sick. I know how ridiculous that sounds now, but at the time, it was absolutely devastating to me. I felt that I had wronged her, and everyone else in my life, by being with you. I felt like all of the love I was giving to you should have been shared more equally with my family members. I know that you’ll hate me for saying this, but we were so absorbed with each other that there was room for little else. I was equally guilty, and I realize that now.

My grandmother died, and I still didn’t tell you. I was embarrassed that you’d be angry with me for not telling you sooner, and the window for sharing grew smaller and smaller as more time went by. I hated myself for that, and I started to resent you for always being there for me, no matter how badly I treated you, Leda. I hate myself for that now. I hate myself for a lot of things that I’ve done, but none of them were as bad as hurting you and freezing you out the way I did.

When I hooked up with Amelia, I didn’t know what I was doing. I felt scared; you were pressuring me into marriage, and I felt that no matter what I said, nothing deterred you. I know you felt it was the next logical step for us because we were in love and we spent all of our time together. But Leda, I was so frightened of even more commitment when I felt like our commitment was what ruined us in the first place.

If I had to go back in time, I would have said yes. I would have bought you a ring. I would have proposed. I regret that I didn’t, and now I worry that I’ve lost you forever.

Amelia and I have split up, and we are no longer planning to be wed. Leda, I would love to see you. Please, please tell me if there’s any hope. If I had to start over again, it would just be us, the right way.  We wouldn’t let anything come between us, and we wouldn’t get too involved that we’d forget our lives. You would enjoy a wonderful career, as would I, and we’d share our triumphs. We’d share our failures, we’d share our lives. Leda, I love you.

And I want you back.

Yours forever,

Matthew”

My head was spinning, and there were tears in my eyes. I pinched myself to see if I was dreaming, and cried out when it actually hurt. I couldn’t believe that Matthew had gotten in touch after all of this time. After the breakup, things just felt so final. I figured the next time I’d hear from him, he’d be inviting me to his wedding as a gesture of goodwill.

As I stared at the screen, my heart jumped into my throat. It felt so good to have someone pay attention to me like this, to grovel at my feet and beg forgiveness. Sure, Matthew was kind of an asshole. But I’d loved him for years. Wouldn’t it be a waste to throw that all away now?

Stratton wasn’t even in my mind as I typed out a quick reply:

“Matthew,

This is a lot to say in one email; are you sure it wasn’t just the Scotch talking?

I’d like to catch up. I’m sorry for banality, but I feel as though anything I say won’t live up right now.

Call me tomorrow and we’ll talk. My number’s still the same.

Leda”

Satisfied, I flopped down on the bed next to Megan. Her snoring had slowed into a regular, dull breathing. My thoughts were swimming around in my brain much too fast for me to sleep, but I knew I could lie there and relax. While the party raged outside, I closed my eyes and thought about the last time I’d seen Matthew…

“Leda? Are you okay?”

“No,” I said through sobs. “Why couldn’t you just tell me? Why couldn’t you just tell me that you wanted this to be over, us to be over?”

Matthew looked at me, his brown eyes pleading. “I’m sorry, Leda,” he repeated, burying his face in his hands. “I was a coward, and a fool.”

I nodded. “You forgot cheating scum,” I spat as I felt my body overcome with sobs. “Why? Why, Matthew? Are you in love with her? Do you want to leave me, so you can be with Amelia?”

Matthew hung his head. “I can’t lie to you anymore,” he said finally. “And I can’t marry you, I’m sorry.”

“Like I would wanna marry someone who cheats on me!” I yelled, covering my face with my hands. “Fuck you, Matthew!”

He looked up at me sadly as I turned on my heel and walked away. The whole walk home, I was praying he would come up behind me and hold me, or grab my shoulder, or yell my name. Anything. But he never appeared, and I made it home alone.

That night I didn’t sleep; all I could think about was Matthew, and how I wished I were dead. The humiliation was too much to bear; soon everyone would know me as Leda, the girl who couldn’t even bully her boyfriend into marrying her. That wasn’t ever how I’d wanted to be known, and my cheeks burned with shame when I thought of how petty and manipulative I’d acted during our relationship together. No wonder he cheated on me with Amelia. No wonder he didn’t want to marry me. Who would want to marry someone like me, all bristle and snark?

It was almost satisfying now to realize that someone had, in fact, wanted to marry me. Someone who most people would call a lot more gorgeous than Matthew, and smarter, too. I’d come out on top, but I still felt miserable. I longed for a partner who understood me and shared the same qualities I did. No matter how I felt about Stratton, it wasn’t as though we were exactly friends. We may have believed the same things, but we had next to nothing else in common.

“Hey,” Megan’s voice was sleepy and blurred. “What’s going on, where am I?”

“You’re in my bed,” I said quietly. “We had a party and you had a little too much to drink. Do you want some water?”

Megan moaned and put her face in her hands. “Tyler dumped me,” she wailed. “I’m sorry if I messed up, Leda.”

I reached forward and ruffled her messy hair. “You’re fine,” I lied. “You didn’t do anything wrong. Everyone drinks too much sometimes.”

Megan rolled onto her back and shielded her eyes from the moonlight penetrating the room. “Can you get me some water, please?” She asked. When I didn’t move, she whined again. “I love you, Leda,” she called out. “Thanks for always taking care of me.”

When I returned with her glass, I almost expected to find Megan asleep once more. Instead, she was sitting up on the bed and looking surprisingly lucid for someone who had done over five shots of tequila.

“Hey,” she said, smiling shyly at me. “I’m really sorry. I think I was a real bitch to you last night.”

I shrugged. “You were upset,” I said. “I get it. But yeah, you kinda were. What happened with Tyler?”

Megan rolled her eyes. “I don’t know,” she said finally. “I think it’s over for real this time. I just feel so done with him right now.”

I nodded, thinking of men in general. “I get that,” I said slowly. “Trust me, it’s not hard to imagine.

“I mean, why do we spend our lives waiting for
them
?” Megan looked at me critically. Despite how awake she seemed, there was still a hint of slur in her voice. “It should be the other way around. We grow up first, and then we spend years waiting for some asshole to give us a diamond.”

I glanced down at my left hand, ringless. It would have felt weird to wear a ring in my sham marriage to Stratton, but my hand felt kind of naked without one. Maybe I’d compromise and buy something for the right hand, just so I didn’t ever forget.
Like that could happen
, I thought, rolling my eyes.
He’s on my mind almost all day long
.

“It’s dumb,” I said lamely. Megan eyed me.

“You okay?”

“I’m fine, just distracted.”

“Did something happen?” She gulped half of the water in the glass and swallowed loudly, wiping her chin.

I was almost tempted not to tell her, but the idea of keeping another huge secret from my supposed best friend didn’t sit well with me.

“Matthew emailed me,” I said lamely. “I don’t even know what he wants.”

She eyed me. “He and Amelia broke up,” she replied. “I saw on Facebook.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I wrinkled my nose at her. “Didn’t you think I’d want to know?”

Megan looked at me. “Not really,” she admitted. A blush crept up her neck. “Not after you freaked out when I told you they were getting married. I didn’t want to bring it up.”

I scowled. “You’re probably right,” I said softly. “But he apologized for everything, and told me he wanted to try again.”

Megan bit her lip. “Is that a good idea?”

I frowned. “Why can’t you take my side on this? Don’t you want to see me happy?”

“Of course I do,” she gushed. “But you weren’t happy with him, not at all.”

“How do you think I felt when you talked about marrying Tyler?” I snapped. “You’re miserable half the time with him, too.”